how do we sort out finances and the cooking!!

You are in the uncomfortable position of being both landlord and lover. Your best bet would be to ask him to move somewhere else so that you can pursue your romantic role without the added issues. Yes, that's a pain, but you are really in a bad spot since lovers do things for one another and you are having trouble separating that from the landlord role. That said, what is the real problem for you? Do you want him to cook sometimes so that the division of labor is more equitable, do you want him to pay for food, or both? If you are OK cooking, he could do something else around the house to balance things out (like laundry, mowing, etc.) If it's really the money, consider stopping feeding him, saying that you'd rather keep those expenses separate until you can work out a fair arrangement. (Of course, that will either drive an agreement or an argument, probably both.) Another option would be to raise the rent to cover room and board. While he won't like that since he's eating for free today, having someone provide home cooked meals is much better than paying for lower quality food somewhere else and at leas this way, you both know the amount agreed to. The downside of this and of him chip in money is that once he's now paid you to cook he will expect you to do so regularly. If you decide it's hot dog and sandwich night, you might hear about it. Finally, if you expect him to cook sometimes, it's probably never going to happen unless you have a grill and even then, you will have to prepare everything. He's essentially already told you that. Hope that helps.

Best advise; I second engineer's suggestion.

The person that cooks, cooks. The roommate that eats the cooking washes the dishes. Both of you pay for the food, he less because your daughter eats too.

In your present situation, the relationship will suffer. Soon, you will see problems if you don't sit down and talk with this b/f. He did say he was willing to help buy the food, no?

thank you engineer it's great to get others views. The problem is that Im getting resentful over the fact that I am cooking AND supplying the food and he doesnt offer to do either! I had thought about suggesting upping the rent to cover food but he cant afford to pay any more than he does as he is paying maintenance for his 2 sons who live with his ex-wife. He does help out around the house with hanging out washing, will do things like putting up shelves if I ask him but doesnt seem keen to do things like painting (my front room badly needs painting!) or too much else as he thinks my daughter should be doing more (thats another story, she has become lazy and unmotivated but has emotional issues). I feel like a piggy in the middle pleasing everyone but myself. We have got into a habit of him joining me in my house every Friday night and Saturday and expecting me to cook - he doesnt actually say that but because he doesnt offer an alternative thats the way it has become and I need to get out of that situation before I explode!

Because I previously had a lodger who left owing me 3 months rent which I never got back I am wary of having another lodger that I dont know so that's kind of made me think its better the devil you know..

and you're right it is uncomfortable I suppose because Ive never been in this situation before its hard to know what to suggest. is it fair for instance to suggest that he buys the food one weekend and I buy it the next (I think I'll stop the cooking midweek thing and just do it for myself and my daughter) or that he pays say 1/3 of the food bill as he's only eating 1/3 and that he say cooks every saturday? I know he can cook because he has done so he just doesnt like doing it but aren't lovers supposed to do things for each other they don't particularly like to keep the other one happy??!!!

yes thanks pemerson he did say he would help out but said it very begrudgingly as tho he was doing me a favour, think I am just getting too upset about the whole situation. It's good to come on here and get it off my chest and thanks for the advice. I probably need to learn the art of asking for what I want rather than getting upset when it's not offered!

Start here with asking these 3 things of what you want:

1. ask him to move out
2. ask him to move out
3. ask him to move out

Seriously, the possibility of a lasting and meaningful relationship and things being balanced and equitable has been erased. The precedent for him taking advantage of you is now set as he's not being a 'big boy'. He should be cooking on a schedule or helping right along side you as you cook. He is getting away with things. How DARE he offer advice about what your daughter does or doesn't do.

As far as how much he should pay, it doesn't matter what he says can afford.
Why is it that you are focused on that issue when it is YOU that is being taken advantage. It's an easy math problem to deduct your daughter's food costs, but that IS NOT and should NOT be the issue. Don't allow that to fog the REAL issue.

If you're laying out all the money for HIS living expenses and food , how is that YOU can afford it? When did you apply for a adoption or a dependent. He's sure seems like a freeloader. Lose him and move on - seriously!

You're doing shopping (charge for time)
You're doing cooking (charge for time)
You're doing house work (charge for time)

His presence there is VERY beneficial to him and very convenient.

I'd charge him restaurant fees.

Yeah, sock-it-to-him!

I wouldn't be interested in anyone who wasn't appreciative for what they got and found some way to help you in return. He should be OFFERING things, not sitting back and just TAKING.

No sir. Not in my house. No matter who it was. You pay your way, buddy.

Either he pays 1/3 of the budget or he pays per meal. And stop sleeping with him unless you charge him for that, too. Okay, maybe not, but seriously, what are you getting out of this? Just another kid, from the sounds of it.

No adult I know would take advantage like that. What are you getting out of this?

Okay, he's paying support for two sons. So what? If he weren't eating at home, he would be paying for food in a restaurant. Give him a choice on where to eat, not whether he pays.

OK I admit I don't always act like an adult but we have met.

Dys, you don't count. I had a ride in your Porsche. It's different.

thank you everyone, I think events in my life over the past couple of years have worn me down, my daughters dad died suddenly and this has affected her deeply - she's 17 -, my father has been quite ill, and to top it all I was made redundant from my job so all these things have left me feeling low.

And of course you're all right he is using me I've probably just been a mug and not seen it for what it was, Ive been trying to be nice and work out arrangements that would suit us both when he has been suiting himself. My daughter has been in trouble with the police since her dad died and has not been able to find work and mostly my b/f has been moaning about her and moaning how I support her and give her money even tho she doesnt work and I somehow feel that I am not doing the right thing as a mother and I somehow feel that he's justified in not wanting to contribute towards food, dunno how I have ended up in this state, I used to be such a confident, independent person Ive brought my daughter up without hardly any maintenance from her dad but now I feel like Im going round in circles.

Your posts did make me smile though as getting tough like that and not putting up with any c**p is how I would love to be ! Hopefully I'll get there I just need to sort out how. And Im not sure that I am getting much out of this relationship, altho he is loving in lots of ways and is always telling me how much he loves me and sending me nice messages and is very affectionate.

Im so glad I found this site and having people take the time and effort to reply is a great support ...

Yikes, you have a lot on your plate! Your poor daughter (not to mention YOU). This is a relatively small issue, in comparison to that, but it all adds up, doesn't it? Yes, it does.

You sound like a strong woman but you've just lost your focus. For you and your daughter's sake, you need to get it back.

And I would NOT let him dictate things about your daughter, but she also needs to get off the pot and back in the real world. You know that, of course. I think you're going to do just fine, hon, and yes, you're welcome here any time for any darn thing at all.

Welcome to A2K - hope we can help.

And include a service fee plus a 20% tip.

amen to that. jeez...


Shelley: Wait, wait! I sure hope you're not doing his laundry, too? Say it ain't so!

You are providing room AND board, so up the rent.

Let him go somewhere else and get his food included in the rent. Yeah, right.

PS I am concerned about his lack of generosity to you. Why did you chose someone who is econcomically lower than you? He is dragging you down. He should be supportive of your issues with daughter. Instead, now you are refereeing that relationship.

The warning signs are there. Tell him for the sake of the relationship, he needs to fiind another place. You will get along better together.

PSS: And, NO, don't tell us that you do his laundry, too!

I take issue with this:


The problem here is his character, NOT his station in life. Plenty of people are poor, but some have character and want to contribute as much as they can.

Her initial decision was reasonable sound as they both had the need for a partnership. It could've been workable as he is working, but the key was to spell out all the rules and boundaries ahead of time. An agreement was not set up in the beginning and then he just ran away with the ball.

It's not too late to change this, but please understand human nature and a person's capacity to change. It's better that he lives elsewhere because he's already tipped his hand, so to speak.

You're a sweetheart and a little prone to be the one taken advantage of most probably. But you stick to A2K and we'll see you through.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything that Mame wrote here. Perhaps your daughter could help with chores at home if not find a job? Then again, the b/f should also be helping with chores because that's what housemates do.