Do I just let it go?

You mean, the cable bill shows what was watched? Now, that sounds like reckless disregard for privacy - on the part of the cable company.

No advice, but I wouldn't be much concerned with what he watches, so long as it doesn't take away from what he does. I'm not so happy with his reaction to the discussion. He is the one over reacting, and that might be a serious symptom. Again, I offer no advice.

Yeah, I think there's something wrong there to be watching it every night, especially after you're intimate. But that's just me and a woman's perspective. Also, the fact that he gets defensive about it is a big tell... he could have just said, What? What's the problem? but he knows it's kinda aberrant behaviour, so he's defensive.

Question is, what are you going to do about it? If anything, that is.

well, if he must watch it every single night even after you two have just gotten it on, then I'd say he's got an addiction. Maybe not physical but emotional and psychological. And he enjoys it and doesn't want to give it up. Can YOU deal with that?

I'm having a hard time with it, guess I feel it's bruised my ego a bit as well. I think there is a deeper underlying issue. He is also a man who takes forever to you know what! And for some reason is unable to do the deed during "intimacy"...that bothers me a bit, and he said he's been like that forever. I think too much "porn"...anyway, I do love him and really want to work through this. I'm thinking "therapist". A woman wants to think she is satisfying her man and then you roll over everynight and he's gone to watch "tv"...think I'm going to do the councelling thing with him.....right now he thinks I am looking down on him and therefore is very defensive. I do know I certainly don't feel like having sex! Thanks again!

H-m-m-m, sex every day and he is having problems ejaculating and then watches porn every night?

Try holding off on the sex with him every day. You two need to connect with each other in other ways - and then build up to the sex act. That means lots of touching and flirting without ending up doing the actual act. It has stopped being 'special' between you two.

Re: the porn watching. Is he just using it to fall asleep (like some people watch the Tonight Show or old movies) or is he getting turned on by the scenes, etc.?

Is he also a sports addict?

In any case, he seems disconnected from you.

Scratch what I said earlier. There does seem to be a physical addiction too if he can't release with you but finishes himself off while watching porn. I know that sounds harsh but basically, this seems to be what's happening.

You can acknowledge the problem all day long but unless he does too, you're fighting a losing battle.

Well now he's not talking to me! Now its about the fact I opened the cable bill and he feels I'm checking up on him! There is just no confronting him....without him storming out. He is very attentative, telling me he loves me and why can't we just be in love and he can't handle any fights. I feel in order to keep the peace I have to keep my mouth shut! Lots of thinking to do!

Wow. In most cases, I think whether or not watching porn is ok - is up to the two people. But, yeah. If he can't "come" with you - and has to have stimulation through watching porn in order to have an orgasm - I would definitely want addressed if I were you.

The thing is: What if he's loyal to you? What if he loves you? What if this one anomaly is the biggest problem between you? Wouldn't you be sort of lucky - with all the cheating and abuse and deception that so many partners have to endure?

So, think about that.

Another thing: He's likely horribly shamed by what's going on - and this is why he can't talk about it- and why he's turning the tables on you. (Or it could be what you've discovered is the tip of the iceberg and he's shaming you about opening the mail - because he's afraid you're about to discover his other crap...)

THAT is the priority, I think. What IS the worst thing going on with him?

My advice: talk to him about it through email. He's too ashamed to talk about it face to face right now. Open by being understanding and non-judgmental - and say that the two of you will be happier together if you communicate openly about what's going on.

Tell the truth about why you opened the cable bill. Was it to check his viewing? If it's a true statement, tell him you won't make an issue of his viewing anymore, but you are concerned that he doesn't come to orgasm when you two are having sex - and you think it may be a great idea to look into couple's therapy together. He may get turned on if you suggest a sexual encounter group... ( although his needs may be over in the mental health realm... )

Anyway, if you promise not to bring the issue up in person until he tells you he's ready to talk about it - you may be able to communicate by email and open up a healthy dialogue. Good luck - these are such very difficult, emotionally wrenching issues. I hope it works out for you.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reach out to me with your words of wisdom. All in all I believe we can work this out....I do feel he feels a sense of shame by the situation. He is also not used to a women actually giving a s*@t! He had three other serious relationships all of which cheated on him! Is he perfect God no! But he treats me like a princess and my child, he's so used to doing his own thing. I do not agree with his way of communicating or lack of, so I will set up councelling appointments. We're still not talking but we have alone time tonight so hopefully it will get better.

Rog- There usually is an extra charge for various optional services...................."Adult" movies being one of them. The cable company is not interested in what a customer watches, as long as they get paid!

It shows on the bill the name of the movie and or xxx

While you think the sex is fine for both of you this is unlikely. This sounds like a sexual compatibility issue, where he is kinky but trying to hide it because he does not think you will go there or approve. This will leave you not feeling fulfilled because it is always obvious that you are not enough, and he is because he never gets what he wants.

Whether I am right or wrong, it is clear that you two have things to work out.

Such hysterical selfcenterd people who can't take critisism and less, talk about it, are often overly generous and loveable which is their force that often blinds the partner.
Everything will go smoothly as long as his ends are served.

Maybe it's only his sexual need that is overstimulated, and that's it, thereby you should be able to have a reasonable relationship with him, but if his egoism and hysterical attitude also spans to other things, you should drop him ASAP like a bad habbit.

perhaps his current behaviour is directly related to having been dropped like a bad habit in the past when a woman or women found out who he is and what he wants sexually. This would be a good line of enquiry for counselling.

If he develops such multitude of irrational behaviour, then it's logical to assume he will easily have fall backs, and therapy only will have minor effect on such strong willed and selfcenterd person, as he has no rationallity to sustain a healthy mind by therapeutic counceling.

good counselling is grounded in the knowledge that humans are both rational and irrational. Being irrational is not a problem, not understanding what humans are is.

Ah, so we just need to give prisoners good counseling, good counseling solves all, doesn't it?

You have lost me,,,,,what does this threat topic have to do with the Criminal Justice System?

The counseling part, you say the boyfriend in question only needs counseling, which I doubt is the solution to the problem, as I see couseling as a weak and unrelyable tool, and to illustrate that I used the prisoner metaphor.