Girls and the "Friend Zone"

@JTT,

Oh, I fully agree that women do it too....just generally not to ME.

I was always hopeless at knowing that men were INTERESTED (my friends were always berating me when I turned away some lovely fella simply by not seeing his interest and treating him as a friend) so pining had to be pretty out there before I noticed it.

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@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

dlowan wrote:
where he is continually attempting to make the relationship more

the hopeful lurkers <gak>

I have always found this horrid. It was annoying and agonizing. In the university years, I sometimes ended up behaving badly trying to get the fellas to just go away and leave me alone already. I recall warning two in particular that if they didn't back off things were going to get ugly. They thought the warning meant I cared about them and would come around. Things got ugly.

Yes...that's awful...really awful. It always made me feel sad as well as angry (angry after a while, I mean) and really guilty in a weird way. I mean, lerve/lust is a hard, hard thing so often, and people can't help where it strikes. I guess it's all about grace under pressure and pain, really...and knowing that you get over it. Which takes experience if you're a wuss like me.

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Hm, my almost 15 year old one is still a tomboy and it seems the boys like it.
They tell her that she likes the same music as them and no "girly-girl music", they tell her how easy it is to talk to her and love to hang out with her; she's not as
complicated as some of the girly-girls.

So far, we've seen that some of the boys become romantically interested in her
while Jane is not the least bit interested. She is up front with them and tells them honestly that she only likes them as friends. Some boys accept it, others get
angry and a few try to convince her otherwise. Only recently she asked me: "Mom, how come boys my age are so terribly immature?" ....

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@CalamityJane,

Hey CJane, I'm happy to see you here, was wondering how things have been going with your Jane since I know she's a similar type.

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@sozobe,

Quote:

What happened when you hung out with Bobby, though? From his perspective -- not Sally's -- were you just someone to hang out with while he tried to decide whether to call Sally, who he liked-liked? Or did he like-like you but was too shy or whatever to act on it? (Or did you in fact meet behind the toolshed for some snogging?)

Sally was my pal so no snogging with Bobby. My snogging pal was Tom, who lived several hours away but who spent some time in our city visiting his dad. It was perfect. I like being left alone most of the time. I'm not very "needy" and don't like to feel like I'm "needed". (That's probably why parenting is so darn hard for me.)

I have no idea what Bobby's perspective was and never really gave it much thought.

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@sozobe,

Yes I thought so too that sozlet and Jane are similar types and I think that their
taste for music is very similar too. At that age, music becomes so important and
it even defines friendships as well. Being single children, I think it speaks for them that they're able to have friends regardless of their gender.

Once the "romance" starts, you will know it, sozobe.

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Dedicated to those folks, male and female, whose heart and mind is in the right place but they've just hit a wall that can't be breached.

Pretty Lady - Lighthouse

I see you each morning, and in silence I say
"Pretty Lady, I love you, but I know there's no way
You'd consider my love girl, cuz you don't have the time."
So I try to conceal it, so you can't read my mind.

All I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady
Just for once in my life, makin' love to you. Yeah!
All I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady
And maybe once in my life makin' love to you.

Every day I keep hopin' that I may see a sign.
Better give me a chance girl, to be first in your eyes.
But I just go on waitin', every day it's the same.
All my friends keep on sayin', "You're a fool who loves pain!"

But all I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady,
And maybe once in my life makin' love to you. Yeah
All I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady,
Maybe once in my life makin' love to you.

I'm beginnin' to wonder, if you know I'm alive.
Every day it gets harder to feel good when I rise.
If I just had a chance, girl, you could feel what it's like
Makin' love every mornin', every day, every night.

Cuz all I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady,
Maybe once in my life makin' love to you. Yeah,
All I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady,
Maybe once in my life makin' love to you. Yeah,
All I wanna do, Pretty Lady, is see you smilin' too, Pretty Lady,
Maybe once in my life makin' love to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh-IR5d5ywM

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Sally was my pal so no snogging with Bobby. My snogging pal was Tom, who lived several hours away but who spent some time in our city visiting his dad. It was perfect. I like being left alone most of the time. I'm not very "needy" and don't like to feel like I'm "needed". (That's probably why parenting is so darn hard for me.)

I have no idea what Bobby's perspective was and never really gave it much thought.

That sounds good though! Not "sad and lonely" as per your first post...

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@CalamityJane,

It's nice to have the little time-traveler window with Jane. Smile

A nice way to get a (rough!) idea of what to expect...

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SonofEva (now 16) goes to a small independent private school. There were only 28 kids in his grade last year, and only 6 of those were girls! (The other grades are more balanced.) This was Good News when he was in middle school, but he is not so happy with the imbalance now. 3 of his 6 female classmates are committed to other guys, and the other 3 were unappealing to him for various reasons. So he has not found a girlfriend yet, but he is looking! The good news is, the somewhat larger youth group at our church is mostly girls! There are some very cute ones there, so there is hope.

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@sozobe,

Yes, and brace yourself, Jane has cut off her very long hair in Germany (the girls there like it short) and most compliments come from boys. (I have a picture in the gallery).

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@Eva,

Oh Eva, with his good looks he won't have to worry one iota. He's such a handsome young man - give him a little exposure and the girls will flock to him
like mosquitos to the light.

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@CalamityJane,

Found the photo (had missed it before), whoa nelly! How long had it been before?

Sozlet just had a pretty drastic hair cut too, but it went from insanely long (getting past her waist) to merely long (a bit past shoulder blades). She's been taking care of her hair and wanted to keep it superlong but was convinced to cutonce pool season started (she had to have it in braids or else it'd become one giant dread). She cut off about half the length (a foot or so). I was worried she'd be traumatized since she really liked having the superlong hair, but once she made the decision she was sanguine about the whole thing, happily chatted with the guy doing it and was very happy with the result. SO much easier to take care of!!

Eva, that must be hard for your son -- how old is he now? Hope something works out with the church girls...

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@sozobe,

Jane's hair was almost down to her waist and she spent hours straightening and fussing over it. On school days, she got up extra early to coif her hair - drove me nuts!

She made the decision to cut it in a split second and hasn't regretted it once.
We did get her cut off ponytail for keepsake, perhaps we donate it later on.

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@sozobe,

Quote:

That sounds good though! Not "sad and lonely" as per your first post...

I guess it's difficult to explain.

School was pretty awful because being part of a couple made you "cool".

School is pretty much your life at that age.

So.....

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@CalamityJane,

Weird, of course. I inherited my mother's hair even when she was alive.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Quote:
That sounds good though! Not "sad and lonely" as per your first post...

I guess it's difficult to explain.

School was pretty awful because being part of a couple made you "cool".

School is pretty much your life at that age.

So.....

Thank providence that we don't have to go through school again.

And people kept telling one it was the happiest time of one's life! Not on your Nelly, thought I.

And it so wasn't.

However, what I know of US school culture suggests that the social expectations were MUCH more codified and rigid and, in my eyes, vapid...and Oz ones way easier to simply avoid...at least at the time we speak of.

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@boomerang,

Yeah, that does make sense.

Sounds like it was more by choice than imposed by tomboyhood, though?

High school sucked for sure.

Girls and the "Friend Zone"

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