Anyone got some funny jokes

The Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the
docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'


She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your

money back'.

Was almost funny, but that k keept knotting my mind in the wrong direction.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single

and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Kekeke

Grammar

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping
your uncle jack off a horse.

I have ideas of where the fun of the joke may lie, but not certainties.

Anyone got some funny jokes? No, but a funny video

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He p ut her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f---ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Patriots at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?”

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Both made my mind go "oh, thats funny", but they didnt have enough strengh to be translated in actual laughter.

M, is this any better?




Subject: When to shut up........



The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.




I said, "Why are you watching that ? You can't cook."




She said, "You watch porn."









Bitch.................!

Some neurons sent some signals.

And the meaning is ...


>>
>>
>> It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in
>> South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be
>> cold or mild.
>>
>>
>> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been
>> taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
>> the winter was going to be like.
>>
>>
>> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that
>> the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
>> village should collect firewood to be prepared.
>>
>> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an
>> idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
>> and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
>>
>>
>> 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the
>> meteorologist at the weather service responded.
>>
>>
>> So the chief went back to his people and told them to
>> collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
>>
>>
>> A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
>> 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
>>
>>
>> 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
>> 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
>>
>>
>> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
>> collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
>>
>>
>> Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather
>> Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
>> very cold?'
>>
>>
>> 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more
>> like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
>>
>>
>> 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
>>
>> The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a
>> shitload of firewood'.
>>

Thats funny!

Apple Does It Again

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

HAHAHA

I guess you are my one-man audience. How is the following:



From the BBC - by John Cleese.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled."

I have the habit of never ceasing to check back on threads as long as someone is still posting on then =)

Thats kinda funny, but I dont know much about the "personalities" from other countries to fully enjoy it. Some are more obvious though, being related to things the country did in the world wars.

Hebrew Wisdom


A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

Hohoho