Anyone got some funny jokes

HA!

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Stoning the Prostitute

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes.

Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!"

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Stupid Neighbors

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'The whole street was laughing when they saw you and your missus making love yesterday.'

Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home
yesterday.'

_____

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HA!

The second wasnt as good though.

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Tea Partiers Fishing

Sphen and Olly are out fishing and they are catching tons and tons of fish, so olly turns to sphen and says, "We should put a mark on this spot for another time because this is really good fishing."

So sphen pulls out a marker and buts a huge X on the boat where he and olly were standing.

Olly looks at this and goes "Sphen, you idiot, what do we do if we take a different boat!"

1 Reply

@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

Tea Partiers Fishing

Sphen and Olly are out fishing and they are catching tons and tons of fish, so olly turns to sphen and says, "We should put a mark on this spot for another time because this is really good fishing."

So sphen pulls out a marker and buts a huge X on the boat where he and olly were standing.

Olly looks at this and goes "Sphen, you idiot, what do we do if we take a different boat!"

Almost funny!

1 Reply

@manored,

You are a tough critic. When will we see some of your jokes. Come to think of it, I cannot recall seeing any jokes from the UK. Is the UK strictly Benny Hill and Monty Python?

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@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

You are a tough critic. When will we see some of your jokes. Come to think of it, I cannot recall seeing any jokes from the UK. Is the UK strictly Benny Hill and Monty Python?

Im not from the UK =)

Let me see... jokes... jokes... jokes...

Im not really good with jokes, nor can I really remember then. Im far better at inserting humor in conversations.

jokes... jokes... jokes...

A priest saw a drunkyard waltzing down the street holding a bottle full of booze, in a most disgraceful manner. The priest then intervened:

Priest- Oh my son! Do not waste your life like that! God loves you! Come on, throw than vile liquid away and come into the church to pray!

Drunkyard- I cannot, good priest.

Priest- Why not?

Drunkyard- Half of this bottle belongs to a friend of mine.

Priest- Oh, in that case, throw your half away and guard the rest to your friend!

Drunkyard- I cannot, good priest.

Priest- Why not?

Drunkyard- His half is on top of mine.

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Sorry, but the punchline was pretty obvious. Don't give up your day job.

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@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

Sorry, but the punchline was pretty obvious. Don't give up your day job.

Like I said, no good at jokes =)

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I am trying to determine who came up with this joke. I would like to thuffocate the guy or girl.

Donald & Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

1 Reply

@Advocate,

I didnt get it. Then again, your murderous intentions suggest it isnt a very good joke.

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@manored,

That you didn't get it hardly indicates it is a bad joke. It is a good one. Your not getting does not reflect well on your intellect.

I suggest you get someone to explain it to you, or you give it further thought.

1 Reply

@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

That you didn't get it hardly indicates it is a bad joke. It is a good one. Your not getting does not reflect well on your intellect.

I suggest you get someone to explain it to you, or you give it further thought.

So you want to kill the guy/girl because they came up with a GOOD joke? =)

I suspect "bill" can also mean some part of the body, but english is not my first language.

Eh. Just googled it and found out bill can also mean beak.

Not funny.

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I wouldn't kill the person, only thuffocate him or her. I am sorry for being a bit unfeeling in my comments. Where are you from (living)? "Manored" sounds like someone in the UK.

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@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

I wouldn't kill the person, only thuffocate him or her. I am sorry for being a bit unfeeling in my comments. Where are you from (living)? "Manored" sounds like someone in the UK.

Isnt thuffocation lethal? =)

Im from the south region of Brazil.

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@manored,

I would thuffocate just enough to punish for that joke. If it kills, so be it.

I gather that Brazil is doing very well economically, unlike most other countries. It will be interesting to see how your new female president fares.

1 Reply

@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

I would thuffocate just enough to punish for that joke. If it kills, so be it.

I gather that Brazil is doing very well economically, unlike most other countries. It will be interesting to see how your new female president fares.

Yes, economically, it is going well, but not much has changed internally in the past eight years. Since this new president is from the same party as the old one, im guessing not much will change again.

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@manored,

Did you live in an English-speaking country? Your command of English is exceptionally good.

I vacationed in Brazil about 20 years ago, and had a wonderful, interesting, trip. The food was excellent. Interestingly, the tour included a voodoo ceremony and a terrific samba nightclub.

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@Advocate,

Advocate wrote:

Did you live in an English-speaking country? Your command of English is exceptionally good.

I vacationed in Brazil about 20 years ago, and had a wonderful, interesting, trip. The food was excellent. Interestingly, the tour included a voodoo ceremony and a terrific samba nightclub.

No, I just happen to have a lot of contact with the english language, mostly through stuff I read online and games I play. Most good stuff on the internet is on english =)

Im not very good at spoken english though. I also tend to make a lot of grammar mistakes on words, such as confusing similar words (like tough and though, say and saw, etc).

Yeah, our food is good, according to my father. He is the only one on the family who has seriously traved abroad (because of his work, mostly). He said food in Europe is strange and lacks variety, and that In the United States people eat too much junk food.

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Anyone got some funny jokes

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