Anyone got some funny jokes

http://able2know.org/topic/84440-1

type humour or humor into the a2k forum search

Ready anything written by Douglas Noel Adams and you will have plenty of good jokes in your hands.

He also made some interative fiction and a point & click game filled with good jokes.

I had some over there, Ill be back.

Was that the joke?

Cause you dont seem to be coming back =)

THE RABBI'S ANSWER

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody.
It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he
went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and
woe.‚‚
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a
beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down
to the beach. Take the
beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair,
and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will rifle the
pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at
the page and read the
first thing you see. That will be your answer. That
will tell you what to do."‚
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and
children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit,
his wife in a
mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an
envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a
donation in thanks for his advice.‚‚‚
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.‚‚‚
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.‚‚
"You went to the beach?"‚‚‚
"Absolutely."‚‚‚ <
"You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?"‚‚‚‚
"Absolutely."‚‚‚‚
"You let the pages riffle
until they stopped?"‚‚‚
"Absolutely."‚‚
"And what were the first
words you saw?"‚‚
‚
"Chapter 11."‚‚

Dang! I didnt get it =)

Maybe you're not in the USA?

"Chapter 11" means filing for bankruptcy.

It refers to filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization.

Catholic Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun..
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God'.

The pat ient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Ah, internal joke! =)

Country Western Songs That Will Make You Cry

Sure, we've heard some of these before but did you remember to laugh today?


I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuk

I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy

I'm Just a Bug on the Windshield of Life

I've Got the Hungries for your Love and I'm Waiting in Your Welfare Line

If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low

If the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

If You Leave Me, Can I Come, Too?

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking my Heart

I've Got Hair Oil On My Ear and My Glasses Are Slipping Down, but Baby, I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone to Kill

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can't Stop my Face from Breaking Out

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too

You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Were Only a Splinter in My Ass As I Slid Down the Banister of Life




Actually, I am quite fond of lots of c&w songs and always try to listen for a while on long road trips!!

However, I was pretty worried they were going to mention one of my favorites :
"It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night on the Mouth that's Chewed Your Ass All Day"

Advocate

Kinda funny =)

Some of them are just plain retarded. I wonder what their makers were thinking...

I think you are a bit humor-challenged.

Naah, its just that threads meant to gather funny jokes are doomed to not have any.

I did laught at "I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me" though =)

Here is a good online comic: http://www.theslackerz.com/

Go to the "old" section and chose the one called "nothing but star wars". Most others there are as funny though.

Is there something funny there?

Everything =)

I love that comic, I also love the author's viewpoint on reality.

You didnt find it funny? If not, try looking at some of the first ones, those are the best.

Example:

WARNING, F WORD AHEAD:

To each his own. I guess we are just different people.

I suppose so...

HERESY!

Marooned With Cindy Crawford


A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and the man are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heav! en. Cindy's fallen madly in love with him, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. One day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "If it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up! half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up ! to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"