funny jokes

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.&nb sp;

2. Page Yourself Over The
Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'<SPAN
class=apple-converted-space>

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. < /I>Five
color=red size=5>Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The

Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're ; Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Ec onomy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'<SPAN
class=apple-converted-space>

20. And The Final Way</ B> To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called! Therapy.

TV - you're the best. I always liked you.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

That's me in 10 years...

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

So, the old Jewish couple goes to the doctor. The doctor says to the man, "I need a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample". The old man asks his wife "What'd he say?".

"He said he needs a pair of your underwear."

:rollinglaugh:

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?'

Hi Social, heres another, thanks for the kind words



A woman went to a store (probably Best Buy or Sears) and after having to wait in line for 10 minutes she told the customer service clerk she wanted a refund for a toaster she had bought there because it wouldn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she had bought the toaster on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming ...





'PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager approached the woman and asked, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and screamed ...






'PINCH MY NIPPLES!, PINCH MY NIPPLES!, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!' Which began to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleaded with her, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman said, 'Because, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."

"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a ******* truck hit us."

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

Hey TV - you know why women wear make up and perfume..?

Because they're ugly and they stink.

hohohohoho - just a joke I heard on the radio.

you don't like women?

I absolutely adore women - that's why there was a hint of an apology for this tastless bit of humor. heard it on the radio and laughed for an hour afterwards - a kind of a guilty pleasure thing, reminded me of the first Mrs. SoCal...

The first? Was there a second?

Thankfully, yes...for 16 great years.