In love with a girl Who's Not Necessarily Looking for a relationship

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So i met this girl Through Outrigger paddling and The second i saw her It was just like "Oh my god i have to be with her",I dont know what it was and ive only felt that way about one other woman In my Life and that was several years ago now.....Im usually not even bothering to pursue Women because Most arnt attractive to me,visiting the island or Taken which makes dating extremely difficult......

So I Start talking to this girl and we started running on the beach together and talking the Entire time,She gave me her phone number and We Hit it off rather well....So After a few Times i asked her out to dinner For her birthday and She isntantly said yes.......Only To find out that she has a boyfriend For sometime when she said that....

I asked her on facebook and she said she did and said that she loved spending time with me and hope it didnt make me feel bad and i responded by saying that its okay and She's Really amazing and Hopefully we can just be friends but that seemed to fall out of touch Shortly after......I Let go and it was Kinda all over.....

Untill my roommate came home to tell me her bf had broken up with her,So the next day i was on the phone talking with her,Picked her up From her house and things Now are going Really well AGAIN,We Spend lots of time together,We got starbucks and walked in the park today talking,We drove up to hana and back together and had the most intimate mature and personal conversation ever where we shared alot of Deep personal things with each other and it made me feel really privlidged that she would open up to me like that. Im Calling her tomorrow Night and We'll most likely Get dinner or a movie or just hang out if she feels up to it after yoga and she's stated that she'd still love to have me over for dinner or Watch a movie or something....

the only issue is that she's said she loved her ex,and That she feels like She needs to find out who she is and Love herself before she can be in a relationship....and i feel like ive made my feelings obviously clear.

I give her flowers,tell her how beautiful she smells,Called her up saying How i was thinking of her, and all our mutual friends know about it and joke rather openly about it around both of us,And before i realized she had a facebook account i posted this thing on her roommates page saying how hot she was And Whats her story blah blah blah.....

So bottom line is that She knows i like her,She Openly spends time with me and is a amazingly caring and beautiful person and we see each other rather frequently now (several times a week) Yet i dont know if were just friends? Or what? and She knows im looking for a relationship and i was thinking about just talking to her about this but i dotn want to scare her away. but if she DOENST know and she IS looking to date it would devistate me if she started seeing someone else cause she thought Maybe I liked her only as a friend? Even though i clearly dont act like that? Its hard to think A guy you just recently met asking you out to dinner is just a friendly thing.....

HELP!

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[+3] - shewolfnm - 05/18/2010are you just saying that to her to make her think differently about you? is it a ploy? She may not be interested in you for a realtionship. This isnt a realtionship it sounds like. So how...

Some streets just run one way.

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@mrhunt,

Mrhunt, I think you are a bit bereft of the hard-knocks school of relationships, even though you have had a hard time.

I recommend you read the a2k relationships forum, for however many hours it takes.

This could keep you busy for a while, with agreeing and disagreeing.

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@mrhunt,

Rent "500 Days of Summer".

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So your saying it appears she's not interested in me Dispite Wanting To go out to dinner with me and spending all this time with me? Is it possible she just needs some time after her breakup and then things could progress with us?

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@mrhunt,

Don't bet your inheritance on it. Look, women commonly like men as friends, that is, platonically. Dinner is fine. Necking, petting et al., are not.

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Ive decided since ive been rather open with her on alot of issues so far Im just going to say to her that i feel frustrated that i met her at a time in her life where she's not looking for a relationship because thats what i want and In a way Im just teasing myself with something i wont ever be able to have and thats sorta devistating to me everytime i Hang out with her.

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are you just saying that to her to make her think differently about you?

is it a ploy?

She may not be interested in you for a realtionship.
This isnt a realtionship it sounds like. So how can you call it love? And why would you push that word on her?

maybe you are being too forward.

its hard for someone to get to know another, especially a man , if he runs to her claiming to be in love with her just because he is attracted to her.
Everyone knows the " feeling" you are talking about.
Honey that feeling isnt love. Its lust. And its ok. But you need to call it like it is and stop trying to make her into your next marriage interest.

THAT is what is holding her back. She cant just GET to know you. You are coming to her with love on your lips and serious dating in mind. No time to be friends and just get to know each other.

You might be scaring her.

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Yup, you are moving too fast, too intensely. She may feel suffocated.

Give her some room. Make her miss you.

If it's meant to be, she'll come back around.

This will take a lot of patience on your part.

PS - stop with the Facebook stuff (you writing everything you feel about her). You may have embarassed her in front of god and everyone with your remarks. Don't make yourself look desperate.

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@mrhunt,

Quote:

the only issue is that she's said she loved her ex,and That she feels like She needs to find out who she is and Love herself before she can be in a relationship....and i feel like ive made my feelings obviously clear.

Well, there it is. What I see here is what has been called, a "transitional relationship". After a person has a break up he/she needs time to get her act together, and discover whom she is as a single person, before she goes on to another relationship.

If I were you, I would cool it for awhile, and give the girl her space. What you DON'T want is to be a rebound relationships, which usually does not work out too well.

Quote:

If you love something, set it free like a butterfly. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.

BTW, it is perfectly normal to feel lousy at this time. Feel the feelings, rant and rave (in private). Eventually, the pain will decrease, and disappear.

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Thanks guys,Your right and i wont say anything.When i posted that on facebook i didnt know she had one or that my friends were her friends so that she saw that post most likely.It was an embaressing and stupid mistake on my part and not intentional.

Its better to be friends with her than nothing,We might go to dinner or a movie tonight so we'll see how that goes.Alright,Thanks!

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@shewolfnm,

shewolfnm wrote:

are you just saying that to her to make her think differently about you?

is it a ploy?

She may not be interested in you for a realtionship.
This isnt a realtionship it sounds like. So how can you call it love? And why would you push that word on her?

My thoughts exactly.

She has already told you she doesn't want a relationship now, with anyone.
Why would you either (a) assume she is lying or (b) try to force her to change her mind?

but....but....but....

again, the question is WHY would you assume she's lying or WHY are you trying to force another person to feel the way you want them to feel?

but....but....but.....I....I like her, that means she should like me. Isn't that the way it works?

No.

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Yeah,and we had coffee after paddling today and she said she saw and spoke to her ex and They agreed that while they both dont want a relationship with each other there going to Have dinner a few months from now and see how things go...Which sounds like more of a Break to me than a breakup.......

Well,Im letting go but i just hate when i get all emotionally attached,It hurts and i appreciate you guys help here as always.

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@mrhunt,

yeah.
that IS just a break.
If they are planning that far in advance to talk to each other, they are still commited to each other even if it is just a little bit.
The woman for you will NOT be committed to anyone other than you. What she will appreciate is just how YOU show love, how YOU want to be really deeply involved in her and revolve around her. That is what the woman who will be with you will see, want and enjoy. Not looking tosomeone else in the furture or constantly telling you about her ex.

This is not the woman for you Smile

But be patient. She will come around.

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I would like to add a little personal note. During my sophomore year of college, a boy who was a student at Michigan State University wrote me a letter every week. I had no interest in him. I went out with once because my mother advised me to "play the field." I told him straight out that I wasn't ready to hear the words "love" and "you got me hooked."

For a solid year, I had to endure letters from him which I never answered.

And, in the meantime, I was falling in love with someone else.

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@plainoldme,

I Know,Its just difficult and it hurts emotionally.

she's telling me today on one hand that her bf was drinking constantly,Abusive Verbally and She was unhappy in her relationship but on the other hand she says she loved him,would of stayed in the relationship no matter what If he hadnt of left her and That She's going to have dinner with him a few months from now......it hurts she even told me that cause its obvious how i feel about her (Or i thought it was) and I dont really wanna know that stuff....She seems rather confused Imo when i know exactly what i want and its her.bah,**** my life.

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@mrhunt,

You know....

I don't think the odds are in favor of her having dinner with him "a few months from now"

You know how you leave a job, and there's always people who say "We'll still be friends, we'll stay in touch, I'll call you, etc. etc."

A few months go by, you don't even think of those people much, let alone do anything with them. Oh sure, once in a while. I'm good friends 20 years after I worked with this woman for a few months. That's the exception, not the rule. In fact, although we are quite close emotionally, we actually only talk about 3 times a year.

Anyway, I think them agreeing to have dinner in a few months is just something that one says.

Not to encourage you, but not to discourage you either.

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Thank you Chai,I appreciate all points of view here.

Im just Having trouble dealing emotionally With Not having Her as My Girlfriend,and Trying to figure out if im strong enough to keep seeing her as just a friend....and i think i am because She's really incredible and we tell each other everything and i feel comfortable telling her things i wont tell most anyone else and thats important to me.....And we Still get along great,So im just accepting that and The fact that while we still may never be together,Ive still made a Really Awsome Friend and thats better than nothing,You know?

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@mrhunt,

I suggested you rent 500 Days of Summer earlier and I want to suggest it again in case you thought I was being flippant. The premise is exactly your situation. Guy falls for girl who is not interested in a serious relationship. He gets serious, she takes off, he is devastated and has to get over it. They tell you up front that there is no happy ending, but there is a satisfying ending and you might both enjoy it and apply it to your current situation. (86 on the tomato rater is pretty good too.)

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Thanks cause i kinda thought you were being flippant and i'll have to checkout that movie,I appreciate the advice Smile

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In love with a girl Who's Not Necessarily Looking for a relationship

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