My wife is unhappy:

Both of you appear to be sacrificing your family lives for your working lives, thus my advice is simple: reduce expenses, reduce debt, reduce employment time and increase fun-time spent together as a family. If the two of you do not do this it would appear that soon enough there will not be a family to spend time with.

a marriage is not all family duties. What you needed was to connect in bed, and to carve out couples time on a regular basis. It takes planning to find 4-6 hours a week (or at least twice a month) that you two can use to go out and have fun together, but it is required to maintain the marriage. Your wife is missing something that she needs, and communication might be a part of it, but almost certainly the real problem is something else that she is missing.

A successful marriage does take two willing people, but let's assume for the moment she is willing. Have you asked her specifically what it would take to make her happy? Is it just a matter of the two of you having more quality time together and less money stress? It sounds like you need a financial/debt counselor as much as a marriage counselor. Could either of you even afford to have a separate household?

You write very well, greendoggy, except for putting your thoughts into paragraphs. I'll try to break it down for my own understanding, but may get the thoughts in the wrong group. You and other readers may divide it all differently...

I am 36 yrs old and have been married for 9 years. Have 3 young children. I always thought that our marriage was somewhat normal, maybe more financial issues that most people, but we get by. I work full time (50 hrs. per week) and my wife works 40 per week plus school 2 nights a week, we are very busy to say the least.

We have had "serious" talks before and have ended saying "we need to talk to a marriage counselor", but never went. Last week, after I told my wife about a comment my 5 yr. old daughter made (mom is not home very ofter because she doesn't want to see her kids) which I'm sure she heard from my mother in law, my wife laid it all out there and basically told me that she is not happy, has not been happy for quite some time, and wasn't sure what the future holds.

My wife has told me on many occasions that one of the things that she is unhappy with is the way that we communicate with each other, or don't. We hardly ever see each other due to our schedules and our kids schedules. And when we do have a few minutes, I will end up talking about bills that need to be paid or interrogating her about money she has spent. The past week and a half has been the absolute worst week and a half of my entire life!! I can't sleep, eat or focus at work. My stomache constantly has a knot in it. I don't want to do anything but spend time with my kids and wife, but she says she needs her space to think.

She did agree to go to counseling which we started last Friday, but when we were asked, "are both of you still interested in trying to work things out?" her response was, "I don't know", which is what she had already told me prior. She said regardless of whether we work things out, we need to have counseling for the kids sake. I understand this, but it's almost like she has already "checked out" and has given up on me. I love my wife, and my eyes have been so unbelievably opened the past week and a half, but now it may be too late!! I want to try to show her how much I love her and that I want to work on the things that are making the marriage not work, but I also don't want to smother her and push her even further away! I am so confused, scared, nervous and angry all at the same time.

At certain times of the day I think more positively and think/hope things will work out, and at other times I honestly don't know what I will do "when she leaves". She says she still loves me but doesn't know if she is still IN love with me. Does anyone have any advice for me??? I am at a loss...I want my wife
back!!!



There - that's easier for me to think about.

Green - your story is not new or unique. Too busy, too overwhelmed, too much debit, too much of everything exept intimacy with each other.

Young couples with children need to make time for themselves!

You MUST take her away for a romantic weekend. Or make one night a week a date night. Get a sitter if you must, but you are going to have to make time for each other so you can fall in love again.

I would love to take her away for a weekend, problems are: We have little money available for such an adventure, and at this point I don't know if she would even entertain the idea. With both of us working full time, activities with the kids, her school and to top it all off the fact that she may simply not want to go. What can I do to get her to at least want to go??

It doesn't have to be expensive and it mustn't exclude the children either.
Go rent a tent and go camping for the weekend - the kids will love it and you
also will have enough time to talk, do things together and reconnect as a family.

I think your wife is overwhelmed and she sees you as the catalyst. I think this is a woman who is maxed out in terms of stress and demands. On some level she's thinking if she gets rid of you she will be escaping all the pressure she feels. Is there anyway you can scale back on your cost of living? Sell a car with a payment and buy a cheaper one you would own outright? Could she take off a semester from school and just relax a little? What about sending the kids to stay with grandma for a weekend and the you two will have some time to just be alone and talk? Go for a walk in a park or beach and bring a picnic. You don't need to go to a resort to talk face to face.

or start small.

schedule a date night where the two of you go to dinner (not a movie) and talk to each other. Recall the things that brought you together in the beginning. Use those as a focal point for your discussion. What was it that you enjoyed doing together before? Brainstorm on ways to make those things happen again. Don't focus on why they aren't possible. Some of them ARE possible. Focus on what's doable and positive, not on what isn't and the negative.

a true recipe for disaster imo .
if you are having financial issues while you are both working ... you need to change things NOW - you both know what the result will be if you are continuing on this road ... don't you ?

if you cannot find a competent counsellor right away , you may soon be in deep trouble - think of your children !!!

hope you will still have a chance to change your course .

having three kids when one is not ready, and then both working more than 40 hours a week and/or also going to school and working full time are a recipe for disaster. WTF were you thinking greendoggy?

If this marriage is to make it work/school hours have to go down, by a lot. You can do that **** for a couple of years if you really must to survive, long term it does not work.

Some suggestions:
- Set up a date night when just the two of you go out together. Yes, babysitters are expensive. See if a local teenager can help out for a reasonable fee. Try to go for a walk together every night.
- Encourage her to take up an "adult" activity so that she gets some "me" time. Team sports are good. In many areas you can join a tennis team even if you don't really know the rules. Volleyball leagues are also generally based on skill level. This is also a good idea for you.
- Defend you wife to your children.
- Cut back on spending to open up your options. Consider using some of those savings to make life easier. Your wife isn't looking for presents, she's looking for quality of life.

Hello,

There is an issue of whether or not your wife is interested in working things out. She may, or may not be, confused about the matter. She hasn't flat out stated she wants a divorce...so there's a chance to salvage the marriage.

You said I always thought that our marriage was somewhat normal, maybe more financial issues that most people, but we get by.Unfortunately, the the phrasing seems to imply 'dull, boring, arguments, not much life, doing what whe have to do to get by'. Where in that is the time that needs to be taken to create happiness? Happiness is created, rather than just is. For some creating happiness comes easily, for others (and in marraiges, for most) it takes effort.

More to the point though. In your wifes position, I imagine that she has two major questions. 1. Will I ever find happiness in this marriage again; and 2. Will I ever fall in love with my husband again.

What are your answers to those questions, for your wife? And I don't mean, just what you wish for. Think back to when you first fell in love. Why did your wife fall in love with you? Is there any more of that? Now I realise that many people will say 'you can never hold on to what you had in the beginning - it will always change to something more mellow'...and that's true. But the essence of why she fell in love, and why she found happiness with you remains the same. The difficulty for most is, it takes more effort to re-create that anew each day. It takes a deep desire to re-create it anew each day. It takes will to grow and enrich your marriage each day. Like children, it's exhausting, but rewarding work. Other reasons may come up for not doing so...but at the end of the day, every person knows that we make time for things that are truly important to us...and if our partners aren't making time for us, then...

So you've given though to what's being going wrong. Have you yet told her your true and heartfelt feelings for her? Have you told her your hopes? At this point at time, hope is her big issue - is there hope for her, for you, for the two of you and her marriage? Before trying in any way to make things work again - this is the first conversation I'd have. I'd also give serious thought to what I've contributed, or usually more the case, not contributed to the situation (most people would use the words 'done wrong, or not done right')...for there's little doubt you've had failings in her eyes (and just as importantly, she may have had failings in your eyes that have been making you unhappy..like not speaking up sooner). It may be thatwareness of these failings will form an important part of how you see the marriage growing in the future.

As for the bills (which by the way, apparently you talk about as soon as you see her, so likely in her eyes, you made the bills number one in your life)...set up a budget detailing all the forseeable bills, and the cost of them over a year period (doing this on a spreadsheet is easiest - I've done one for myelf). Include things like repairs, emergencies, holidays, replacement of whitegoods, new car etc. Divide that total number by 52, and you know how much money has to be put aside each week. Now set up an bank account and pay that weekly amount into that bank account, and pay all your bills from there. This account btw, shouldn't include things like clothes, which may cause arguments. Now you shouldn't have to talk about bills - though you may have to refine the budget from time to time.

Usually there are a whole heap of intertwining issues, and it takes a real will to grow the marriage to bring it back to a happiness. Growing, for your marriage, takes effort. And it's a question of whether or not you want to grow your marriage each day...and are you prepared to put thought and desire and the effort and energy into that daily growth? (remember that may involve changing your priorities)

A suggestion that may get past the lack of communication. buy an A4 photoframe. Print out a list of goals/hopes for your relationship, and how you're going to achieve them. Eg. Our relationship will be ever growing. 1. I will make time daily to spend with my wife (this is really summarised just to give you an idea). 2. I will spend time learning to communicate with her 3. I will surprise her at least once a week 4. I will show my desire for her in creative ways 5. once a month, one a random day within the month, I will give her a massage 6. I will give her at least 5 naughty weekends away a year

...etc. You can of course have different goals, different methods - that's just to give you an idea. The tricky thing about it is, once it's up there for her to see, she can hold you to it...but it has a chance of generating trust and hope...being something she can see and look at and think of, without you being there to 'pressure' her. Just be sure to make sure that somewhere you put 'this is my hope for what will be'.

Good luck

Hi Vikorr,

First of all thank you for taking the time to try to help me.

I have told her my heart felt feelings. Maybe even too many times since she is insisting on "needing space" at this point. I made a list of goals and we talked last night. When I finished, she just looked puzzled and said again that what she really needs right now is space. I think I may have left this go on for too long and now may have lost my wife. All I want to do is to be with her and to talk to her, and at this point she wants the exact opposite. We even discussed "separating" for a while. This is the last thing I want, but I don't know how long I can live in the same house with her not knowing if she even wants to be here. I really don't know what to do.

Unfortunately, if you've written goals for your relationship, and she's looked puzzled, then she's probably already decided to move on. Many women just don't know how to 'end it' - they don't want to seem like the bad one / they don't want to hurt the other person / etc.

If you feel you've said your hearts feelings enough - I would let that part alone.

Just remember that there are two issues here - your wifes feelings and needs, and your feelings and needs. Neither is more important than the other (whatever she tells you).

The reality is, as she's left you in limbo - you need to decide what you want for you. While I'm sure 'her' is your answer, there are other more specific things to consider, like :
- respect (your self respect and her respect for you)
- hurt (whether you want to be hurt or not)
- security (how important is it to you)
- honesty (stems from security, and also a general honesty)
- certainty (the ability to plan ahead, which can't be done while you're in limbo.)
- trust (the longer she leaves you in limbo the less your trust will ever be)
- loyalty & sharing (she's not showing any. For her, now, it's all about her)
- your self-esteem/worth (for some, this sort of thing would really damage such)

My point is - you may want to reconsider your living arrangements while she's treating you like this.

Don't forget that, whatever 'wrongs' you've done (or 'right's' you haven't done), she's taken you by surprise because of her ongoing dishonesty/deceit (not telling you she's unhappy over a long period of time). That said, she'll probably say she tried to tell you about it many times. The question is 'did she'. She'll probably then say 'but you didn't listen'...and the answer to that is 'did you specifically tell me there was a problem'. She'll probably say 'I dropped so many hints a blind man could have seen'. The answer is 'So you never told me that you wre unhappy. She'll say "I didn't need to. I gave you a clear bread trail to follow', and the answer to that is "you did need to. Men in general, and I in particular, are not good at picking up hints"... That of course, is only a general course of how many such similar conversations run - because of how men and women think differently.

Apart from that, I can't advise whether to chase her or not. Some women want to be chased, others want to be left alone. Some want a mixture of both. My best guess would be to leave her alone for 2 weeks, see what she does, and go from there.

Well not to add a new twist to this situation. About a 1 1/2 weeks ago, a couple days after this whole thing came out, I started noticing that my wife was texting a lot more than normal and was spending more time away from home than normal. So I did the "unthinkable" and looked in her cell phone one morning. There were several texts from a guy that she knows. One of them said something to the extent of him liking her "drippin wetness". I confronted her. When I confronted her she had already deleted the messages and tried saying that there were no inappropriate messages on her phone. When I repeated one of them word for word, she then said "oh, that's just the way he talks to everyone". Me, being a bit gullible and also wanting to believe that nothing was going on, somewhat believed her. Then she became upset with me for invading her privacy and we dealt with that for a couple of days. Well over the next couple of days I noticed that the texting was getting more and more, and I had remembered her taking extra time looking at the previous cell phone bill that week and then threw it away. I remembered that I had set up an online account to pay our cell bill online a few years ago. I logged in and pulled up our recent bill and activity. In the past 16 days she has spent over 425 minutes talking with this guy on the phone and had sent/recieved over 275 text messages. Once again I became very upset and by morning, I couldn't stand it any more and looked at her phone again. This time I found several texts from both my wife and the other guy calling her "baby girl" and referring to how he is going to use his tongue and not just for kissing. She asks "what do you mean" he replies " you'll just have to wait and see". By now my knees are shaking and I almost passed out. I walked into to bathroom and waited for her to get out of the shower. I then confronted her again. As I got to the part about looking in her phone again, she began getting very upset but I "cut her off" and told her that I wanted her to leave if this is how it's going to be. We talked several times throughout the day and by the end of the day she "swears" that the only thing she is doing or has ever done is this "dirty texting", but I find this very hard to believe. To make things even worse, she is still talking with this guy and says that they are friends......We have counseling on Friday and if I am able to make that long without losing my mind, I know that by the time we leave counseling, if she has not agreed to end any and all relationships with this guy, I am going to ask her to live somewhere else. I can't even sleep at night because I know she is out on the couch texting/talking with this guy.

I truely love my wife and am going to do everything in my power to make this work, but I am starting to feel like she is just trying to get me to be the one who "ends it" so she doesn't have to live with the guilt of doing it!

Hi Greendoggy,

I'm sad to hear that, and that's not too much of a new twist. At the very least she is having an emotional affair with this guy, but almost certainly she is having an affair. That she's not prepared to stop, added with the coldness she's showing you when you are doing things to try and make the marriage work, should tell you where this is headed (well, even you've said where you see it heading).

One thing I always tell my friends when peoples behaviour doesn't match their actions - consider the words of the person, then watch what they do over a period of time. The pattern of their actions will tell you something. If their words don't match what they are doing, then believe their actions, not their words....your wifes actions say where she's at.

By the way - privacy is a load of croc in a marriage (and probably in most circumstances that people whine about it). Trust is the greater issue. She's broken your trust. Her behaviour towards you became very untrustworthy - relating to her lack of desire to make the marriage work, added with her suddenly changed texting habits, and (no doubt) other habits that suddenly changed that indicated an affair. Is your wife seriously trying to make you believe that given such 'evidence' you shouldn't look for confirmation that she is cheating? That is the most normal and acceptable thing to do (better than tormenting yourself without confirmation, that's for sure)

And she then covers it up (deletes the texts), lies about it, and carries on with it - that's the sad part, for it says exactly where she's at with your marriage. I doubt that counselling will change anything...but for it to work - her behaviour is in fact, a very important subject to discuss...and whether she's willing to change her cheating & deceitful behaviour or not, and actually willing to try to make it work (sadly, I doubt it).

Just remember one thing. People do what is best for them. They make the best decisions they can (for themselves - which may or may not include others) at the time. So your wife isn't a bad person (even while she is being deceitful, disrespectful, unloving etc towards you) - she is just trying to do the best she can by herself. That her best is flawed is a separate issue - I doubt she sees that her best will come back to bite her in the backside in this case - but it is still the best decision she's been able to make. Also remember, you have to make the best decision you can for your long term happiness - I say long, rather than short term : ie. will her heart for you, bring you long term happiness or misery.

Good luck

Btw, now you know why she wanted space.

My story is very similar. My wife and I met when she was 18 and I was 29. We were married as she was turning 21 and next month would be our 9th anniversary. We have a 7 and 4 year old together. As we met my mother was dying of cancer, my mother passed a year after we were married. My mother was everything and my dad left when I was 2. I obviously went into a depression that I was never treated for, my wife even told me to get help. She told me several times that I was getting distant, not showing her love and affection. Looking back it was true, I thought at the time I was trying.

(Forgive my poor writing) Fast forward to about 2008, we found that my was was bipolar, spending all of our money, maxing out any card she could get approved. She started hanging with new friends, going to bars 4-5 ights a week. We delt with that and she saw a psychiatrist and after about 6-9 months the meds seemed to help and I thought everything was fine.

Around the same time, her sexual desire went to zero, probably meds. I talked her into talking to the Dr and he suggested a sex therapist and changed meds. She refused the therapist. Till recently our sex life improved a little, we averaged 4-6 times month which is below what I would like.

Then about six months ago, going out to the bar every Friday night saying she just needs to get out of the house. I tried to understand because she does not work to take care of our kids, she dropped out of high school and had a few jobs here and there. It usually costed more money for baby sitters, gas and her 2 packs of cig a day habit than what she made. I work night shift and get a weekend off about every 2 months. Then it started to be ever Friday and Saturday to the point that she is best friends with the bartender. My wife really does not drink heavy. But im sure she enjoys the attention there.

I recently had to go to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. She did not even come to the hospital, only called once and blew it off because I told her the tests were all ok and it may have been a panic attack because of stress.

The day I came home from the hospital after being up 30 hours she went to the bar again. Then the next day to the bar again and did not come home till the next evening. I woke u around 9 that morning trying to call and text with no answer. I looked up our cell records and called the last number, it was her friend thats a bartender (female). She said m wife was there and they had a rough late night.

I Obviously thought the worse, she is with someone else. I sent several texts telling her there was no excuse not to text or call me and I would move out that day if there was no good reason not to.

She came home and pretended nothing was wrong. I left for a few hours, no where to go, no money. I came back and I asked her why she didnt at least call. I got lame excuses like, it was late, I thought you were sleeping etc.

3 days went by, we didnt speak, she slept on the couch and I felt like I did something wrong. My apnic attacks got worse, multiple a day trying to figure out what is going on, thinking the worse. I have had to miss work, dont wana eat and cant sleep.

The next day I finally got her to tell me that she is not in love with e anymore and hasnt been since our last trouble. That she was waiting to see if the feelings came back and they have not.

I told her everything I could today, poured my heart out and explained I cant make her feel anything and I cant control anything. If we must separate then thats what we need to do. I also stressed I want to work things out and try marriage counseling.

She barely spoke, biggest answer was "I don't know." I asked if she wanted a divorce, separate, me to move out if she would go to counseling etc.

She says she truly does not know what she wants. I confronted about being interested or involved with someone else, if she was afraid to tell me the truth and if she jus wanted away from me. She told me that she does not want to be married, she feels she missed out on the single life etc. That I am controlling because I want to know where she is and who she is with and dont like her going out. She denied ever cheating or being interested in anyone else.

I explained that I want to spend tie with her and I get jealous that she is picking going out over me. I get 2 weekends off every 2 month and look forward to it. My feelings have never changed.

I reminded her how old she was, we have kids, no matter what happens that even if she got a new person in her life they will want to know where she is going and with whom.

Tonight she went out again and didnt even tell me, I had to test to see where she was. Came home around 5 and was on the couch.

I have looked everywhere for advice. I found your post on here and it really struck a cord with me. I truly understand how you feel. It hurts like hell, I want to curl up into ball and die. If it weren't for my kids I may have done something stupid because I just dont want to feel the pain. It feels like I am mourning my mothers death all over. I am sure now that is why i withdrew from my wife when my mother died. Defense mechanism or something.

I am really fearful that my story may end like yours. But I get it that if it does, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I will have to move on.

My best advice is to talk to a couple good friends, venting has helped me alot, after about a week I started to feel better. I am still scared as hell on what might happen, we also have no money, house is in foreclosure, filing for bankruptcy etc... I would recommend a psychiatrist or therapist as well.

Good luck man, I hope we will both be fine.