my abusive xhusband says that he misses me and loves me.

Sounds like a really nice guy.

edited to say: I'm being sarcastic.
You don't have to make his problems yours anymore (unless you want to) - is what I mean.

Is there a reason he comes to your house? You're not letting him, are you?

All he misses is the fact that he loved to abuse you. I assume he comes to see the boys, but if you feel threatened you can go to the police and get an order of protection. Otherwise, just tell him you are not interested in his kind of love and don't do anything to encourage him. Maybe arrange for another family member to be there in your place when he visits the boys.

My boys are from a previous relationship, so he never visits, or ever even talks to my boys. they are all teenagers, we were together 8 years. The boys really do not want me to even talk to him, he has made it so difficult for me here. Financially I have nothing, I am doing better and am working two jobs. I am afraid that he will try to sabotage what I am trying to do. He stopped by my work last night and wants to see me this morning. I signed our house over to him and left everything because I needed to get away. He says that he loves me but that he is trying to get things taken care of but the day I signed everything over his girlfriend moved into our house. What confuses me most is although he treated me badly,(my memory is awful, I can't rem anything hardly) sometimes I still miss him and I really am confused about how I feel about him. He hasn't helped me and I feel like he will try to ruine anything I try to do. I don't understand why I miss him. Although I can't rem anything, I know it wasn't good.

Confusion is not healthy for you. Have you tried ignoring his phone calls, not answering the door when he comes over? You don't have to allow him to continue to use you while he is living with another.

Be strong for yourself and your kids. Make a conscious effort to cut him out of your life.

Good luck!

Get tough. Tell him you no longer want him to visit or contact you. The relationship is over PERIOD. If he persists, talk to the police about your rights. This guy is bad news if you don't run him off now it will only be harder to do so later. He's looking for something and it's not love.

Listen to your sons and do not engage in any way with your former husband.
There is a reason why you left him, he is an abuser!
Unless you want to be abused again, stay away from him. Don't be afraid
that he can take away what you have now. You left him the house which is more
than he deserves. He does not love you, he only loves to hurt you!

thank you. He called and texted me this morning and I did not answer his calls.
I am always afraid of him and that he can ruine everything I have worked for. He tried to convince me that no one here liked me. I was afraid to take a walk when I left him. I am so upset, but I try to look nice and be in a happy mood, I need to work hard and make some money so the boys and I can live in a nicer place. The place we are living now is horrible, I left him over a year ago and have not been able to make enough money. I am in a good working situation now, but I am so afraid that he will try to ruine it for me again....

So?

That is a good first step.

If he was absuive and he knows where you live, you may want to start thinking about how to disappear from his view. (In addition to an order of protection which does not cost anything)

Change work hours so he doesn't know where you will be and when if possible

Change your phone number and don't give it to him

Move to a new location and do not give him the address.

You may even need to move your kids in school if there is a chance he might try to get to them and consquently get to you.

so what?

Thank you for your support and advice, I don't know why I question my own judgement. Sometimes I feel like I really love him, so it is confusing. I need to do good and support myself and the boys. I don't know why I still miss him and love him, but maybe I just get lonely. I get so depressed when i do talk to him. I guess i would like to believe that he loves me, this has been the hardest thing in my life. I am doing better today than yesterday. It is good for me to get other peoples opinions because I have such a difficult time. So..thanx Sometimes I wonder if I will ever do good and be happy, I keep trying but I feel like I just can't brake out of it. Can I????? I have to brake out of this.

Utopia,

You are welcome for the advice. I know it can be hard to take action to change things. Love can make us blind to many things. I was in a verbally absuive marriage. I had been with the guy for 12 years. It wasn't until depression and sucidal thoughts entered my mind that I realized the relationship was not a healthy one for me. One day I made up my mind that I HAD to do something to fix my situation. I created a exit strategy to plan for my seperation/divorce from my EX. It was not easy. There were days I missed him because I don't like being alone either, but I took one day at a time and focused on making myself happy.

You definately can break out! It will not be easy at times, but you know it is the right thing to do. Have your sons help to keep you mind on the future you all want for yourselves. Have faith in yourself, make a plan, and take action toward your future.

I wish you good luck and peaceful thoughts.

Some people love booze, some people love drugs, some people love people that are bad for them. It doesn't mean you have to give in to these addictions. It means you have to work even harder to stay away. I know if must be tough to raise to two boys on your own, but doing it with abusive man in your life only makes it worse. It also sets a bad example for the boys. No good can come from his interaction with you and I think you know that. Listen to your feet and head, not your heart. The sensible part of you is saying walk away -fast.

I like how you said that about the addiction part, it made sense to me.
Your right it isn't good for the boys and they would be so disappointed if I started seeing him again. I can't figure out how I can get so weak, to want to see him and to talk to him. For me it is really hard to understand how someone could be so mean and than say that they love you. I just don't get it. Ihad a horrible childhood and want something so much better for the boys. I really want to brake through all of this and I want to be successful. I would like to think he is a good person and that he really does love me, but nothing he does seems to prove this. He says it, so he can see me, but his actions are different. I never have picked the right man, I am not looking for anyone, I just want to be financially independent, but if I see him again, it won't happen because it is so upsetting to me. I have done some reading, but I still don't get how someone can be mean on purpose, or does he think what he has done to me and the boys is okay???

Some people enjoy hurting other people. It makes them feel powerful and in control. The world is full of them. I once saw a study about rape and many victims described their attackers as smiling or laughing thorough out the attack. Other people (maybe you?) have been taught it's okay for people to treat them badly. Abusive attention becomes confused with affectionate attention. Any attention becomes better than no attention. If you bring this man back into your life that is what you will be teaching your boys. Girls growing up in situations where they see their female role models abused are more likely to pick men that abuse them, young boys growing up in the same situation tend to become abusers. Your relationship with this man is teaching your boys how to treat women. Plenty of cruel people in world and you have one trying to get back into your life. Lock the door, mentally and literally.



This is an interesting statement to me because I have worked with abused women. They all say this. I don't have any scientific evidence, but it's almost like the abusive man has hypnotized his victim to always draw her back. Try and think of it this way and maybe it will help you break free.

I agree you need to be as financial independent as possible. Money offers freedom and a power for someone in your situation. Keep you mind focused on that goal instead of wasting time with this man.

I would also suggest you get into a support group with other women. Even small cities and towns tend to have some type of organization that helps women like you. You are not alone. Many women have (had) to deal with the identical situation as yours . It's sadly common, but there is also safety and support in numbers.

I'm asking why this matters. So what if he misses you and still loves you? How do you feel? That's all that matters.

I read your response a bunch of times. I appreciate you taking the time to write back to me. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this website by chance. When I talked to my xhusband, he is so nice and you are right, affectionate...but it is - confusing when his actions aren't similar. I have experienced the smiling and laughing situations and have been made to feel like I was absolutely crazy and insane. My xhusband is really well known here so I can't attend any group situation. The domestic violence organization said that they couldn't help me because I was a conflict of interest, mental health said the same thing and I can't afford a counselor, I went to one counselor but she didn't tell me she was friends with his family and asked me to leave after I told her some of the stuff he did to me, she was really upset, so I have done as much as I can for self improvement and attitude.
My mother died three months before I left him and I think this is why I was so motivated to leave him. My mom and I were real close and I spent hours trying to talk about him and how I could make things with him better, sometimes the boys and I would have to stay at her house and he made every holiday horrible. I feel like I wasted precious time talking about my situation with him when we could have been doing something fun, after she died he wasn't nice to me at all and told me I would end of dead like her, so...
I like how you said, lock the door, mentally and literally.
No one here in this town would hire me, I am a hairstylist so my youngest sons dad gave me enough money to open my own shop, (he doesnt live here)the salon is beautiful and I have another job out of town. I put the shop together in one month, and some of my clients are coming back to me. I have a hairstylist working for me, I can't tell you how pretty it is. This is why it concerns me that he will try to ruine me again and why it was so weird that he stopped by like nothing and he told me how he wanted to be with me, so ...ugh!! As far as my boys go, they don't know that I have talked to him, they would not be to happy. His son is the same age and one of my sons and it has been difficult for my son in school. My xhusband and his family are relentless and they try and do just about everything they can to try and hurt me and the boys, but I try to teach and help my boys as much as possible. I will try to read on this subject and I listen to your advice.

I get your point, it makes a difference when I consider how I feel.