The Cult Of Zero

Enjoy your talent Rex and hopefully that in itself would be rewarding. I am no one great in anything I do but still I like to think that you and others find value in me.

I have always liked you RL.. Sometimes my angry comments coincide near some of your posts but I have not intended them to be even slightly or inadvertently directed at you. Although I do have a tendency to drive the people closest to me away at any cost.

Please don't transpose my frustrations about my failures as a music artist as meaning I don't value you or others here. Though sometimes I may seem angry at the world but once I come out of the fog I am not really that angry. I am disappointed that things could not have been different when I really need them to be. I am cold and baffled as to why the world could not have granted me my moment in the spotlight. We are all unworthy...

Gay marriage in Maine came too late for me. When I needed gay marriage really desperately it was there in Maine approved by the Maine legislators. Had it been left as such I might be in a better place in my life now. But the republicans put an immediate stop to it and took it away and it took three years before the electorate voted it back into law. I can chalk it up as simply another close but no cigar. Life perfectly torments me.

Google has banned me for life from advertising. By the time that gets lifted I will probably not be able to sing and play guitar anymore. Just one bad experience after another. We all got to pull the cart no matter what they heap into it.

"Never too much and never on time,
A lot of a little leaving love in the middle."
RR (from my song A Lot Of A Little)

Even if everyone on this forum did buy my music it would not be enough to raise my life out of poverty. I know that too so why should I ever let my failure drive away even those who have tried to reach out to me? My frustrations have caused me to misdirect my energies. I just spend every day scheming and plotting endless manipulations on how I can turn my failure into a success still to this point to no avail. My mind racing never stopping searching for an ethical and loving way to resolve my life's dream.

I have ulterior motives for every single thing I do, make a success of my music and try and rekindle my undying love with my ex.. I have tried to start love with others but it is just not there for me at all.

My parents warned me that my music career would probably not be fruitful yet I still value them, may they rest in peace.

You probably picked a safe career RL like accounting, construction or being a lawyer while I knowingly picked a career that left me useless for any other kind of career. Like trying to become a professional golf player or a professional billiards player... I have not totally given up yet, Grandma Moses is my patron saint..

I was told long ago that I had to make a "big noise" and if bitching about rich greedy people, corporations the government, media, the banks and rocking the boat as much as possible supplies me infamy (without the fortune) perhaps some will find my music and give it an honest listen. Doing nothing only facilitates more helplessness. At my age a big noise or a big stink it seems there is not much difference anymore.

Lately I have been thinking about writing a will... but my family has no interest in me or my music. They never if ever listen to it and care about me even less (than zero) than my friends here.

I was considering leaving my music to my ex boyfriend but he has not called me in over three years. That kills me the most. Like a skipping record in my head that never plays through. I can face failure but I can't face losing him. They both seem inexplicably tied like "Arthur and the land"... While my music would make him cry it makes others angry "because i did not write it for them". I have only one true heart left to give.

The 20 thousand dollars I owe the banks from a 5 thousand dollar student loan will perhaps be my claim to fame I guess. The banks have probably "written it off" for tax purposes a hundred times in the last 20 years. The loan people still call me three times a day...

I just wanted to sing my love songs and play my guitar but it is seeming more and more that it is not in the cards. A nice intimate theater in the round, I figured maybe the pendulum would swing in war time back to folk music but no... People today are just fine this time with the big government guns, raining bombs and the slaughter of innocent foreign civilians.

"I stand here singing to the flowers so very few people really know." Donovan (Try for the Sun)

I came very close to dying this year over a health issues that perplexed nearly 15 doctors, a subject I plan to talk about after the new year. I have been holding off speaking about it for months perhaps that has also been a motivation for my frustrations. The closest I have been able to talk about it here has been in vague parables.

I sense RL that you take things to heart and that makes you a more empathetic more understanding good-hearted person...

I think I am gonna shave my head today, maybe the change will do me good.

I feel like I am blathering... Where else better to be at a loss for words than in my "cult of zero" thread...

Maybe I am wrong but I think we can fix this and you should already know this.

I am sorry about the later Rex. Do you think that lowering your expectation might help?
I bet I could hook you up with someone that you are sexually attracted to but would you be able to accept their psychology for what it is?
I hope you the best and I know relationships are hard from first hand experience being married to a lunatic. I am not kidding her mood changes more often than the tides. I try to work longer hours on hide tide. Just kidding

I tried to fix it, I wrote Google an email and said I was very sorry for clicking on my own ads and that I was truly unaware that it was wrong... (Which is the honest truth) I actually thought that was the whole point to get friends and anyone interested to actively click on them and visit the sites... Google wrote back and denied my request to be reinstated saying I only get once chance to try and resolve this.

All you need is some one to do it in their name I would think.

I know what I have to do, I have to become musically successful and my ex will come back. Right now I have nothing but failure and a below par income to support him and his two boys with. What kind of life would that be? Me poor as dirt and always frustrated that he has to work 50-60 hours a week for us to make ends meet. If I could offer him a stable life he would come back.

I believe that I need to find success then I will have something to offer him rather than just a washed up artist. I will better myself so he will feel secure in my life. He will return when I or he finds a safe place for us. He is working himself to death to little avail and I am not sure how long he can hold up till he cracks, so it is up to me to find a solution fast as I can. So far it has been three years and I am pursuing this dream with only inches of progress every so often. It seems hopeless but I refuse to believe it is impossible.

I can't lower my standards knowing he still loves me and I am the only one in his heart.

Google would know because the ads are all going on my dotcom and my numerous youtube pages/videos. I don't want to do more wrong than I already have. It was never my intention to do wrong in the first place. I would think my sites have been "blacklisted". Besides I don't know anyone who would do this that I could trust to log into my accounts. OR someone who would be capable of adding the ad codes to my numerous pages or handle the complexity of setting up a Google ads account. I need to resolve this hopefully at some point soon.

Rex I am not sure if what you are talking about is true love or lust.
Me and my wife started out with nothing. I had a truck my grandfather was financing me and a minum wage job. Our first home we moved into was a single wide trailer "a very a small one with the wife 5 months pregnant and no electricity for the first 2 weeks. Talk about poverty. She hung in there till this day but things do get worse.
When you have been with someone fore so long it is hard to not love them but you know them so well that it is if you are seeing them through a microscope. You see every flaw about them and not only that you see the problems that they had when you first met them but at that time you were in love or lust and were able to see past all of their problems.

Even though you may love someone dearly it is not a cake walk by no means
If you want to be loved then find someone who can love you for who you are and not what you wish you were. We all wish that we were better than we are but the reality is that we are the simplistic people we are no matter how great we think we could be.

I hear what you are saying RL but just consider that homosexual relationships yes it is the same love but different situations. First off you and your wife started out childless where he has two children and an ex wife that was not only abusive to them but to him also. He has a current wife that is also abusive. He also lives in a state where laws concerning gays are not equal.

For instance until this gay marriage was passed in Maine I would not as his spouse have been permitted to even pick his children up at school.

So how do I get his boys home from school while he is working? THAT was the end of us... There was no solution whatsoever for that dilemma... But, his current Lesbian wife can come pick them up... because, "marriage is between one man and one woman." (remember?) Even if she is a lesbian and he has to "pay" her every time she lifts a finger to help him and "his damned kids" as she calls them..

She won't clean house, do dishes, and he does laundry on his day off and all house work, car repairs etc. She has to be paid to help HIS children with their homework and watch them the hour or so 'till he gets home from work..

His ex wife (the mother of his children) is much worse than his current wife. She was raising his children only for his alimony check and the money from the state of Maine. She beat on the oldest and starved the youngest while she dressed like a tramp and flaunted her sexuality in front of him towards other men. While she had custody she was having sex with numerous men.

This is not my own personal indictment against women in general many men are no better. There are deadbeat mothers too. Yet he and I never have even had sex but he spent a year with me every day he visited me. We kissed a few times and hugged a lot and cried together many times.

Since gay marriage was not recognized by the states were his custody ever contested by their real mother she with one of her "a rent a husbands" could have succeeded in taking away his children and then continued the abuse of them all for a free meal ticket at his expense.

When he first got custody of his boys he brought them over for dinner one night. I made homemade pizza dough and a loaded pizza.

The youngest almost ten years old said I have never had meat on a pizza before. This breaks my heart...

His two boys wanted to learn music from me. Instead they simply have no goals now.

I think of him working ungodly hours while his children waste away with an angry "pay me for anything I do for you" mother. He does not even wear their wedding ring, she wears thick clothes at night so her skin does not even touch his and she never kisses him. She blows up at him any time he asks her to help him

If his ex wife ever got wind that he was seeing me she could successfully use it in Maine court to take away his custody. Does that sound even similar to the experience you and your wife had to endure? I am sure he would not mind living in a tiny trailer with me.

He is also bisexual which comes with its own problems where he has never come out to his family. With all the problems he has on his plate as it is would it be a good time to come out so his family could shut him off of any support both monetary and basic encouragement?

The last thing he said to me was, "if she (his ex wife) ever found out about us she would take away my children."

He is stretched out to a breaking point and he has not seen a doctor in years (this kills me) because he is too busy being bled to death by his current wife. I don't expect him to even be alive long the pressure is so great on him.

I am his hope and my music is our hope. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

So he eats beef jerky and junk food for lunch (**** he calls it) 'cuz he saves his money to buy Christmas and birthday gifts for his boys and she would never fix his lunch before he goes to work. She sleeps in while he gets up and gets the boys off to school.

And people wonder why I write slow love songs. Should I be dancing in the streets and boogieing in the clubs with "night fever"?

I have been out to the local clubs maybe twice in three years. I spend every waking hour on trying to make my life sufficient for him.

As you know here on A2K trying to overturn laws so Maine California and any other place in the world will allow our love to exist. He knows this too. I have gone on to create a safe place for us.

I have a thousands of contacts with gay advocacy groups, the ACLU of nearly every state and country in the world and any other LGBT community that I can subscribe to and monitor on every and any social network worth being apart of. Did you have to go through that to keep your wife?

In all due respect RL, this is nothing at all like your life, I wish it was...

Just me and my man in a tiny idyllic trailer, sounds like a dream actually.

"Love Of My Life"
http://indieland.com/song/4323

Rex I just feel your pain and would like you to have the joy you are looking for.

RL thanks, They say It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

At times like these I just say to the powers that be, "Thanks for the dream."

Even three years later I am not one bit closer to letting go of this dream.

Love is both prison and paradise.

When is a Christmas card a nice kick in the face?

When you are gay and your check you mail and find a Christmas card in your mailbox you turn the card over and where the envelope is sealed it says proverbs 3:6

New International Version
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Comment:
I find myself forgiving Christians more and more these days... Like I am crooked or bent or something... Something that is supposed to bring joy pretty much ruined my day.

Sorry Rex but I fond humor in that, No harm intended.

Well I did not really look at it from the side of humor, maybe irony... Your perspective does help. I do have a healthy sense of humor in most cases.

Your music is closer to hard rock when you compare to others.lol