Birthday parties for the dead?

Forums: Relationships, Birthday, Family, Social Experiment, Social Etiquette
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February the 12th would mark Lilia's 11th Birthday.
It would mark a date that my parents were happy, the entire family celebrated her birth. We didn't expect that she wouldn't be here to celebrate her 11th brithday and had no idea that she will never celebrate her 18th or 21st. She'd never be a teenager or go to high school.

But anyway, i was wondering what everyone thought. When people die do they still get older to you.

Say someone died when they were aged 70, 20 years ago, would they now be 90, or would they always be 70?

Do you celebrate the Birthday without them, get presents, or just let the date pass without mentioning it?

What does everyone else do/think?

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@AbbieMcKenley,

I take gram to visit my grandfather on his birthday.

she spends a little private time, and we change the flowers.

the first one is always the hardest.

do what feels right to you...

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@AbbieMcKenley,

The public sometimes dwells on the rare celebrity regarding the possible aging-what-ifs of say ... Elvis Presley. It's an odd gimmicky celebration to his past and still existent status as pop icon.

That said, it's an intriguing idea that might be difficult for most people to follow through with, especially considering your sister had died not so long ago.

The best way to approach this prototype of a social experiment is to personally celebrate her life this year (a MODEST celebration of one). Clearly you understand and need this to remember your sister. Next year, you might be able to bring in a few family members into the whole concept (if you can gather they can emotionally sanction and humor the offbeat idea).

Obviously, don't buy your sister a gift. Maybe you should write a poem, an essay, whatever and have it published somewhere (newspaper, online, wherever....) Next year, perhaps you can progress to a small token gift for the parents for thanks and gratitude for allowing you to share your life (no matter how briefly) with your sister.

Hope I'm making some kind of sense. Celebrating her birthday would be a greater way of keeping her memory alive then the annual grieving on the day she died.

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Absolutely celebrate her birthday and her life - no matter how long you had her.

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my best friend lost her 16 year old son along with 3 of his friends in a tragic car accident, we recently celebrated his 21st Birthday and we all had a great time in celebrating his life....

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Please don't let it pass without mentioning it. It will be on everyone's mind so bring it out in the open.

My suggestion on a way to celebrate would be to do something honoring her.

Did she like animals? Take what you would have spent for her birthday and buy a bunch of food and drive it out to the humane society. Stay and pet the cats/dogs/rabbits/whatever her favorite was.

Did she like to go to the movies? Go and pay for the tickets for the group behind you in line.

You get the idea.....

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I haven't had anyone young that was close to me die. I have had my parents die, a long time ago. I never forget the days of their deaths or their birthdays. They are not only when they were old in my mind, but, more, in our best times together. With my father, it was talking about a book or about his understanding of what I'd seen on the tv news that day and the background for it, or about whatever interest I spoke of, much of it him listening. With my mother, in the good days, it was to go together on the el to downtown Chicago to shop a bit (not all that much relative to how I have seen people shop - maybe to get one of us a coat), and then go to, in New York, Schrafts, or in Chicago, some food area upstairs at Marshall Fields. Just being mother and daughter.

There were harder parts of their lives and mine. With passed time, those are the brain photos that flash forward.

On her birthday, remember it. You can't help it, you always will remember it.
Don't ever feel guilty if you move on in life. Your sister will always be in your heart.

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@Rockhead,

Rockhead wrote:

do what feels right to you...

RH's advice is what I would recommend.

Discuss it with the rest of your family, too. Perhaps they have some ideas you could pool.

Many folks put a memorium in a newspaper to remember loved ones by, but I'm sure if ones puts one's mind to it, some fresh ideas will come to mind.

Please let us know how it turns out.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

February the 12th would mark Lilia's 11th Birthday.
It would mark a date that my parents were happy, the entire family celebrated her birth. We didn't expect that she wouldn't be here to celebrate her 11th brithday and had no idea that she will never celebrate her 18th or 21st. She'd never be a teenager or go to high school.

But anyway, i was wondering what everyone thought. When people die do they still get older to you.

Say someone died when they were aged 70, 20 years ago, would they now be 90, or would they always be 70?

Do you celebrate the Birthday without them, get presents, or just let the date pass without mentioning it?

What does everyone else do/think?

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I am guided in this by what the decedents THEMSELVES
have said about it, to wit:
when young children or babies have died, (those who remember)
after being revived have said that when thay were out
of their human bodies, thay were fully adult
and remained so until their material bodies were revived.

The person herself shoud not be confused with the vehicle she used.
She was alive b4 your parents met and she remains alive now.
Only her body is out-of-action.
People who have died in hospitals have indicated
that thay were not sentimental about their material bodies.

As it was expressed by Deepak Chopra, M.D.:
people believe that thay are human beings
with occasional spiritual experiences,
but thay are actually spiritual beings
with occasional human experiences.

As a person who has had a few (not enuf) out-of-body experiences,
I agree with that observation.

Take a consensus of your family members
as to whether thay wish to celebrate her birthday.
Make it a happy event. Be as happy as u believe
that Lilia woud want u to be.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

when young children or babies have died, (those who remember)
after being revived have said that when thay were out
of their human bodies, thay were fully adult

That's a wierd thought, an adult Lilia.
I prefer that though, to her just being a kid on her own.

I have brought it up a couple of times to my uncle and dad. My uncle said to wait and discuss it with everyone once their thinking straight again and my dad just looked simply alarmed.

The kids want to make a memorial garden for her at the school but obviously they won't be able to do that until it's a little (lot) warmer.

Quote:

Did she like animals? Take what you would have spent for her birthday and buy a bunch of food and drive it out to the humane society. Stay and pet the cats/dogs/rabbits/whatever her favorite was.

Did she like to go to the movies? Go and pay for the tickets for the group behind you in line.

That's a really good idea, my dad wanted to decided to spend the money we'd have spend on her presents on lots of toys for kids at Great Ormond Street, "in her honour" kinda thing.

Thanks;

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

David wrote:

when young children or babies have died, (those who remember)
after being revived have said that when thay were out
of their human bodies, thay were fully adult

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

That's a wierd thought, an adult Lilia.
I prefer that though, to her just being a kid on her own.

I hope that u will take comfort in this, Abbie, to ease your emotional pain:
many, many 1000s of people have been revived in hospitals,
brought back from death (meaning no activity of heart, lungs nor brain).
It has been typical that such a rescued person expresses annoyance,
or even angry denunciation and complaint to physicians
who brought them back, saying "I was FINE! Y didn 't u leave me alone!?"

Some have compared being brought back to Earthly life,
back into their bodies, to being put back in jail.
One of them said it was like being forced back into a mayonnaise jar.

I don 't remember ANY of them who were brought back
from so-called "death" being happy about it. Some grudgingly accepted it
as a necessity of taking care of their children, who needed them.

I wish that my own out-of-body experienes had lasted longer.

Be happy for Lilia 's liberation, Abbie; surely, she is.

If u like to read u might like to get books on near death experiences
from bookstores or a public library, or try www.IANDS.org for free

David

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Birthday parties for the dead?

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