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Dating a Widow, Feelings of being Secondary

 
 
southerninak
 
  2  
Reply Tue 16 Feb, 2016 06:49 pm
@Rover,
Wow , I so want to know what happened in your relationship ,Since I have experience with both sides . I married a Widower and I am now a Widow.

I married my late husband in the same year he lost his wife . He spoke of her so very often I was scared that I could never fill her shoes , So I asked him about her and told him about my feelings . He spoke of her so often in the beginning that I felt like I knew her.
Now that he has gone, I know why he did it. She was a part of his life not to be forgotten . and so was he for me ..He will be a part of my life forever. I know I will remarry , in fact I am dating a wonderful man that I have known for the last 5 years of my marriage through work , so he's heard all the stories while we were married and knew of our relationship ..He's amazing . My husband would approve .

Amy
0 Replies
 
coco5cindy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2016 01:50 pm
@riverclark,
Thank you for your understanding. I just want you to know that your comment really helped me and took a load off my shoulder.
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atk1960
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jun, 2016 05:35 am
@feelingsad,
its way too soon for him to be even thinking about a relationship with someone else...hes still grieving...you have to decide if you want to wait it out or leave and give him time to grieve while you get on with your life...when hes ready to move on let him come to you...then and only then will you know hes ready to open his heart to a new love in his life.
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carey m
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Sep, 2016 10:19 pm
@Bobby2,
Thank you for your post. I, too, have been with a widower for almost 2 years, who has been very sweet and kind but has a hard time fully letting me into his heart and reciprocating emotional support at times. Although his late wife has been gone for 6 years, he seems to still have a hard time really moving forward. It was just the 6 yr anniversary of her death and the family was posting pics and quotes by the late wife on FB, and she received some award a moth later, so it seems that every year, there is a few months that I feel pushed aside. He has even told me he feels preoccupied. I think widowers who have low coping skills become inundated with trying to keep their own heads above water, that their capacity at seeing other's needs is greatly impaired. I do not feel like I am being met and might be ready to let our relationship go. I feel like we are in limbo and I am becoming resentful.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2016 08:58 am
@carey m,
As you said, he might have poor coping skills which might be the cause of him being unable to let go. Perhaps you could suggest counseling so he can learn how to let go and have a meaningful relationship again. Should he refuse to go then I think you're wasting your time and it's best to part as friends before you become too resentful.
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High Strangeness
 
  0  
Reply Sun 25 Sep, 2016 02:15 am
@Rover,
Quote:
..I felt like if she could have him back she would..


Only start worrying if she calls you by his name when you're kissing and cuddling..
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justaguy205
 
  0  
Reply Sat 8 Oct, 2016 11:14 pm
@A widow,
A widow: Your a very mean person, why would you expect and use someone who only wants to be loved in return as they would love you.

Why would you only use them for your own selfishness, loneliness and leave them broken and bitter after they have realized that they would never have the same love in return that they have given.. How rude..........
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Neens
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Jan, 2017 04:44 am
Wow I am a widower for 3 years now, our daughter was only 2 months old when he died suddenly & unexpectedly. I only started dating last yr as I felt ready to get out there, 2nd date was a great success and we have been dating for 6months now. I felt ready to move on, taking things slow but I've introduced him to my daughter with no drama's. He has met some family members but I had ufortunately i lost my Mum in Sept 2016. I have yet to tell the in-laws but had planned to do this once we have been dating for 1yr. Is that a bit harsh....I just need to make sure it will work out before i do. I saw a future with him living together and enjoying life because life is too short and you need to do things that make you happy right! However last night he asked would I ever love anyone as much as my late husband......I actually could not answer that question and now I don't what to do for the best and now questioning the whole thing. Will I ever love someone more than my late husband, it would be easier if we had just split up but that was not the case. I know my late husband would want me to be happy so that's not the issue for me. The issue is that being 2nd best is not fair for that person, if they feel hurt or awkward. What do you for best, he's such a beautiful soul and i love him so much and he has better qualities than the late husband & I love being with him, he does have similar character to my late husband but at the same he is completely different which I appreciate but he said I do compare even though I had not noticed this. Anyway I hate to think he feels second best & breaks my heart that feels like that. I thought he was amazing to deal with my circumstances and strong enough. Now after last night conversation I feel I should let him go to be happy as he deserve to be 1st. It must feel awful for them. I will always have moments that I miss my husband, thats just part of grief and ot just gets a bot easier but always there, my daughter is a lil mini version of him and it hurts more to think she doesn't have him here with her. I just don't know what to do for the best for all 😓
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sat 28 Jan, 2017 02:32 pm
@Neens,
I think what you're feeling now is perfectly normal. You have had a much longer history with your husband and you've had a child together. Your new partner is ...well, new and you have to build up to a solid relationship and a deeper love for each other. Don't dismiss him because you couldn't answer his question yet. Time will give you the right answer, just give yourself and him a chance to prove it. Good luck!
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jan, 2017 04:35 pm
All loves are DIFFERENT.

You say this man has good qualities that your husband did not. And your husband had qualities that this man may not have. Learn to appreciate the differences. This man, with all his good qualities, is your today man.

You can tell him that things are so different now. There really is no comparison. That was then, and he is now. Express your love for him that way.
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Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sat 4 Feb, 2017 10:20 am
My sincere condolences to all the people who lost their spouses. I feel your pain.
Personally, I have decided to not try and date anymore. In my case, there is no one else, and yes, anyone else would seem lacking. It would not be fair to myself or to the other person.
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Iouman
 
  0  
Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 04:51 pm
@Rover,
You will always be 2nd and you can't compete with memories of a good man, especially if he is deceased. If you want to continue this relationship, I would spent a lot of quality time with her, and then take some time off from her. Not long, but sometimes absence makes a fond boy fonder. This way she'll be missing you, moreso than her deceased husband. You can comfort her, he cannot. See the logic?
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BT
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Mar, 2017 08:13 am
@eoe,
I am in a similar situation. I adore my widow friend and we have a wonderful time together but I am hesitant to jump right in. I am not afraid of her deceased husband, I am concerned I will never have all of her that I want to have. I want all of her intellectually, emotionally. spiritually and physically. It's like dating someone you love but they love someone else too. It's difficult. I understand his role in my widow friend's life prior and I respect that totally. Their love was a beautiful thing and I hope to have that one day. I am being patient for now. Let me challenge EOE's view if I may. Do not feel guilty or made to feel ashamed that you are't the "certain kind of person to date a widow" because you want someone to love and cherish you like this woman loves and cherishes her deceased husband. That's EOEs opinion. You deserve to have that, and you may one day with this woman. EOE's response comes across as if you are inadequate. You are not. I assure you. You have reservations because the widow is still holding onto her past love and the life she had. It makes sense in a way. Her former husband still has her heart. It's difficult for any human to give ALL their heart to two people. No matter what they say. God did not design it that way. We all will lose loved ones in our lives and we will grieve. How long we grieve is different for each of us. If you love this woman and are in no hurry to be in a serious relationship may I suggest you continue to spend time with her and express your concerns with her openly and honestly but you are only willing to give so much at this time. If she isn't ok with that, you know she isn't right for you. You know that she isn't showing you the same understanding about your feelings as you are about hers. You are in control here regarding your feelings and what you are willing to give. If her former husband is her "everything" still, then you will not be her everything until he is honored in a way that honors you as her new love. Until this happens you will be her companion and will not receive all of her. If you are ok with this, go for it. If you aren't, then she can't give you what you need. You sound like an amazing, respectful and patient man. I pray you gain clarity and directions.
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EmmyJane
 
  2  
Reply Tue 25 Apr, 2017 04:32 pm
@A widow,
Wow! You mentioned mature love but I think your statement, "Do what you have to do to get over it," sounds pretty selfish. If you have the "right" to feel in love with your late spouse, and cherish every memory...Don't you think the person that you're dating or new spouse has a right to their feelings too? Most divorcees experience incredible loss as well. Although the loss looks different… It can leave feelings of vulnerability and create insecurities. I suppose this is what you want people to just "get over!" I date a widower, and he is incredibly sweet to me. He has three young children and was married to his wife 14'years. I've fallen in love with all of them, including his late wife. She is a part of us, but there are moments when I do feel second choice and my feelings get hurt. We respect each other's feelings and our recognize that our losses still hurt.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Apr, 2017 11:04 am
Everyone brings "baggage" into the next relationship.

Albert Einstein said:

If one hears the angels singing a couple of times during one’s life, one can give the world something and one is a particularly fortunate and blessed individual.”

I'd say that allowing oneself to "hear angels a couple of times" (loving more than once) we do ourselves a great service.
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iamok4now
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 May, 2017 08:26 am
@Neens,
Could you answer a similar question about how deep your love would be when you were with your late husband for only 6 months? It's rather early in the relationship to know such things. I lost my husband of 18 yrs a little over 2 years ago to an accident. I was 43 with 2 teenage boys. I've been dating a man for a little over a year. It does take a special person to take on our "baggage".
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msddiamonds
 
  1  
Reply Mon 16 Oct, 2017 09:03 pm
@Rover,
I am now in the same sort of relationship....She says she loves me but then she will grieve and not be seen or heard from...its hard on me as it makes me feel not loved....but i must say some of the replies are good...i understand that this is normal for her....i just wish she could be a bit more considerate of my feelings....doesnt she get how 2nd class this makes me feel? Im trying my best
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stefos
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Oct, 2017 01:31 pm
I myself have been divorced, dated divorcees, and am now dating an Amazing Woman with 2 young children who is Widowed. She truly loved her husband and saw him as the love of her life. She also had many years to deal with Cancer and being the strong and supportive spouse. The realization I had was that there is NO Way to compete or even compare with the memories she will have of her late husband. But, she has been very open with me, shared her feelings on every matter you could imagine, especially the most important ones to her heart - her late husband and her children. I have realized how amazing it is that she has been able to open up and love again, and am proud to be the 2nd love of her life. Think about how very special you are to her that you can become the best friend, the person she shares everything with, and now her lover and soon to be husband. No matter what the past carried, I am now her Love, and with that I am also her best friend and confidant. So I feel proud to listen when she hurts and know that I am the one there for it all. So, her late husband may be her husband when she relives the past, but I am the one she's opened her heart to and I am the one with her and I am the one she has chosen to open herself up to. This makes what we have something doubly special and simply amazing. So, relish in the fact that she can share her past with you her present and that he is still a part of your lives for the sake of her amazing children. Be his hands for her children and they will love you all the more.
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Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Oct, 2017 06:19 pm
Dating a window? That’s a pane!
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