Dating a Widow, Feelings of being Secondary

How sad for you and your next love easternwoman. Especiallyyour next love before you have even met him you have already deemed him "second" do you honestly think any man should enter into a relationship with a woman and be told by the way you ARE second place? How cruel and selfish of you to inflict that upon another human being.... If you are too wounded or grief filled to truly love another person wholey and completely like you did your first husband then you shouldn't get into a serious relationship at all. Basically you are just using a person to fill the hole in your heart. I can emphathize and sympathize with your loss and feel incredibly sorry for you for the pain you are in, but you must be careful to not use other men to fill a void and go into relationships with established agenda that hey Mr. you are second. It's certainly not very fair to some innocent guy. Really possibly you need more time to heal before you consider dating. You are really limiting yourself. Honestly you may find Mr. Wonderful twice.... then you would be blessed indeed. But if you go into relationships wiht agenda established and walls up you arent' likely to find much but dissatisfaction and also hurt some innocent guy who is simply trying to be himself and find love

A widow: It's not only the divorcees responsbility to educate themselves but also the widows responability to be a healed person who is ready tgo be in a relatinship and have an open heart. You said divorcees are HURTING Ws but there are Ws who are also hurting new partners by comparing, by being emotionally unavailable, and expecting a new partner to settle for second-best status. The point being if you are not emotionally available to give your heart to another person thenit's unfair to engage in a reltaionship to meet your own needs. That is selfish / A relationship should be reciprocal and equal. Would you entier into a relationship with a man in love with another woman and who point blank told you were "second" in his heart. I think you wouldnot . There is a constantly posting here about W's seeming to think that the divorced want you to forget your last spouse. I generally don't that that is true. However the fact is your spouse is not here.. your spouse is gone never to reutrn. You ARE here and the new person you are in a relatinship should have your complete love and attention. Of course you will remember your lost loved one. Of course you will still grieve . But if you cannot balance that wthint your heart and just expect divorced men or men in general to just tip toe around you forever AND be ok with second-class status forever - well it's really YOU who is being both selfish and hurtful. There is no rule that says YOU MUST DATE... but if you do date and you engage in a seroius committed long-term relationship with another man it's YOUR responsiblity to be totally in it for HIM and NOT make him second. If you find you cannot do that because your grief or love for previous spouse is too strong - that is ok, but then you MUST ressign yourself to being ALONE and not inflcting that second-class crap on another man. It's simply not fair . How many dating profiles says "40-something Widow looking for a guy to fill my a hole in my heart, spend time with, take long walks, gaze romantically into myeyes AND he MUST accept he will always be SEcOND to the memory of my dead spouse" ok how many men do youthinkwould be takers on that? Be realistic.... You MUST heal. You can keep your memories and not forget your spouse, but a relationship is two people not a threesome. Your spouse may remain in your heart but he is indeed gone...

My goodness, Mr. Riverclark, you certainly sound angry. It is truly sad to think that widowhood makes you feel this way. If you are involved with a widow, I wish you the very best. I hope you find an avenue to talk with your loved one, find common ground that is comfortable for both of you. Anger isn't the answer. Perhaps mutual compassion might be a better option. You are entitled to your feelings, and vice versa. But keep in mind that widownhood isn't the worst of issues to deal with. And, as there are many keys to a succesful relationship, gathering yourself calmly, communicating compassionately about yourself and your loved one can go a long way. You can't speak for your partner, but be mindful of your dispositon and ask yourself, what is it about you that you are so angry? Has life taught you to feel low about yourself that your anger is a remote frustration spueing not at the deceased or the widows thought of him, but more at your unfulfilled efforts in life to find love? I think if you soften your heart, take a deep breath, all will go well for you and your loved one. Sincerely, A Widow.

More frustrated than angry.
He's talking about widows/widowers who are unwilling or unable to "move on" in their lives and perhaps love again.

Actually not angry but I have had the misfortune of seeing a lot of people being hurt in this particular type of relationship. I was a part of a dating a widow/widower online support group. Oh mygoodness the stories one would hear . Widowers doing all kinds of hurt things to new spouses or girlfrineds in the name of keeping a memory alive. Expecting a new woman to live amongst the late wife's possesions with her photos on all the walls including even the bedroom. Having children with the new woman and still proclaiming undying love to the first spouse. It is sometimes something that makes me angry in that when a person makes marital vows it is forsaking all others. You are committing to THAT particular person and forsaking all others including your late spouse. I am not personally angry but I do feel for and have heard so many hurtful stories . I know enough about grief to know it's a very very selfish emotion. It is very self based and does not regard others feelings very often only their own . I say this having just recently lost my own father. I feel for the terrible loss the bereaved have for losing their spouse, but so many jump into relationships where they do not or are not fully emotionally available to give of themselves and an innocent party is hurt (the person who is dating them). So often Ws will even assure their new date they are are indeed "ready" for a relatinship when honestly what they seek is to ease their own loneliness and pain and grief by essentially using another person. They don't set out to this, but oftentimes, they do and then find out weeks or months into a relationshp they really are not ready and pull back breaking the heart of a new man or woman. I only say these things because I was privy to story after story and heart break after heart break. Grief is a tricky monster . People don't always think rationally.

Not angry - frustrated. See my other response

I hear you. I dated a widow and it was the biggest mistake of my life. She played games with my head. Widows have crazy baggage!

Time and earthworms work wonders . . .

Anyone who has lost a spouse has to be willing to let "go" of the person. Not let go of the memories, but to put it all in its place. There has to be a willingness to let the new in.

That is very hard to do, since there may be a sense of "betrayal" to the deceased if certain feelings are allowed to fade and be put in their honored place.

After 4 Thanksgivings, I now am willing to let another male sit at our holiday table. Believe it or not, that is a HUGE thing, because that particualar holiday meant so much to me and my husband. So this is a big step for me.

the dying have the ability to help here....my dad was pretty much a **** but on his death bed he told my mom that he expected her to find somebody new with-in three years, he pushed her to not shrivel up and die just because he had to.

I have just ended a relationship with a widower because of the constant feelings of being second best, photos everywhere in the house, clothes and shoes in the wardrobe so that when I use to stay every weekend i had to live out of my bag, makeup and magazines kept ( it has nearly been 3 years since she decided to take her own life)- the toothbrush disappeared very recently , yes he does have children so of course accepted the need for photos and reminders but to have photos of his pregnant wife in her underwear was perhaps too much for me. The final straw came when he had thrown away some cards from myself to him which were kept on the kitchen window shelf next to a card from his deceased wife only to then find hers has been kept and put on the notice board. When I asked for his reasons he said he kept it because of his children, I would be able to understand this if the card was addressed to everyone but was a personal card between my ex and his wife, this action is yet another reminder of the value he places on his deceased wife and how incidental I am to him and of so little worth. For my own sense of worth and self esteem the relationship has ended . V

I'm sorry that you felt you needed to leave this relationship. That must have hurt like crazy.

Yes, he may act like he has not moved on, in fact, has dug his heels in. He really needs to go to grief counseling.

Go find someone who is free to love you.

i dont deduct bad behavior points on the basis of there being kids around, I add to them. The need to model good behavior to children is all the more reason to not curl up and die when those we love do. Resilience, making the most of our lives and opportunities, taking joy....these things get lost when the family home is turned into a mausoleum enshrining the life of the departed.

Hello. My first time on this site. I m recently divorced. I was in a loveless marriage for 14 years. The last 2 years were spent in the guest room where I did much of my grieving the end. I feel freer and happier than ever now that I am out on my own. 8 months ago I met a widower on a dating site. He was married for 20 years to who he calls his best friend who he will always love. We hit it off right away and things seemed great....until he began to share how much he missed his wife and what an amazing person she was...it began to hurt and I had feelings of competition. From time to time he gets sad, either after we've seen a movie or it could be out of the blue. He recently asked that we be exclusive and I be his girlfriend and we talk about the future from time to time..Things haven't changed though and I'm feeling even more vulnerable. I don't know whether to break it off clean or take time off... Either way it will kill me as I have really fallen for him. I want to do the best thing for myself.... Any thoughts?

Thanks to all who have posted to this thread. I'm a 40+ divorcee dating a 40+ widow (of 5 yrs) and have enjoyed reading this thread for insight. We're only 3 months in, but things look very promising! My partner is now in a good place after years of support and counseling and I wanted to offer something she shared with me and she said most eloquently explained her situation. It's just one of many conversations we've had along with other things we've done to set healthy boundaries and respect each other's needs and feelings. This quote undoubtedly helped me understand and better empathize with her. So I wanted to post it in hopes that it might serve others the same. It is a quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler:
"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."

It works exactly the same way in recovery from any trauma. You are who you are in part because of the trauma, it never goes away but it does not inhibit or otherwise control you either. We call this healing.

However, the grieving does stop, what replaces it is a wish that the departed were still here with us. To use the word grieving gives the impression that we are still emotionally torn up the they are not, which is false if the survivor has healed.

The husband is dead, so he's no threat to you. It's normal for a widowed person to talk about the former spouse with sadness and affection. A divorcing couple builds up a great deal of hatred, so different from losing a spouse by death. So relax and enjoy. If you're meant to be together, you will. Otherwise, you'll part and go on to find new lovers. Just don't glomm onto her or get all jealous and possessive. She will run away from you in that situation. Instead, be self-confident, kind, and loving. You can't control the outcome, but you can behave well. I am a widow of three years. At first I was too needy and sad when dating. Then I fell in love with an alcoholic womanizer. Learned about those two deal breakers gradually and that ended after sixteen months. Now I am dating a kind man who really likes me, and I like him. It may go on, or end, but right now it's a happy relationship and we're taking it easy. So sweet.

I see the date is 2009, but as a widow in 2015 who lost her husband 5 years ago, I can tell you one thing, which hopefully you figured out back in 2009. That one thing is that I, as a woman with a good first marriage, know that a human being has the infinite capability for love, and yes, the second time around would be different but still wonderful. The important thing for me is that special chemistry. There are those who might "settle" and that would be a deal breaker for a good remarriage. I haven't found someone yet, but I'd welcome a special person again. Never be jealous of a lost spouse! It isn't your fault they died. Be glad she cared! A widow/widower brings the knowledge of two people into a second union. But the woman does have to recognize that second loves are possible and has to seal off the first love in that special place that only hearts have. I have children grown, grandchildren, and I'm not dead yet. That must be why I feel lonely and want that special friendship that comes with love for a good man/husband.

I think it's a very judgmental comment that "maybe that's why you are divorced " comment. There are many reasons why people are divorced, the majority is because one person decided to have a relationship with a third person. Thus the hurt half of the married couple deciding that they will not accept to be treated in such a way. How do you know that the marriage of the widow wouldn't of ended up in a divorce. It's all about a relationship ending without either partner opting out. I am with a widow .

Dear me A WIDOW, you are very cruel and judgemental.

I have in relationship with Widow from last 5 years, and she was my coworker also in past. Waited very patiently that someday she will be able to put her past back and come along with me as her only man in this world. But i am loosing hope now. We had great 5 years together, doing everything a man and woman can do. Loved weekend outings, cooking together, visiting each others families but she is always connected to her ex husband's family or visit their parties or celebrations .....does not leave any single event out, won't even communicate with me those visits. I thought it will fade away....but it is still there, although i exressed her my concerns so many times. I expressed her that you can still do some visit's but it should not be done without letting me know or asking....treating me that I am the relationship prime partner in her life. Her answer.....you cannot dictate me what to do. They are in my life from so many years. To me......then why you are in relationship with me then. Just to fulfill your life pleasures and treat your past separate and my relationship as separate entity ? Then live as a widow with sweet memories of past and why to drag me with you, although she said in past that with time it will get better.

I have lost hope.