Dating a Widow, Feelings of being Secondary

A lot of similarities here with guys who get messed up with women who have been warped by Childhood sexual Abuse. The big one is that you were deceived, you were lead by her to believe that she was available, and then long after you find out that she really is not and whats more she knows that she is not.

At this point you should get out, before the love you felt for her all turns into bitterness, as it will. Tell her to look you up when and if she is ready, but dont wait for her, move on.

I think you look for the "ability" to love again.

If the widow/widower thinks that they have lost the ONLY love of their life and will NEVER love again, then it's best to move on.

If that person can at least see that there was a nice past but there is a future and new advertures are possible, then there's a chance.

Like I said before, you can look at the person's life patterns to see how they handle things to get a clue.

I have been reading some of these posts and hope to get some advice...I have been dating a man who lost his "significant other" of 6years in an accident while she was on vacation without him. this was 18 months ago. His home is a shrine to her. photos covering every inch of space, walls, tables, counters. Nothing of hers has been moved or touched since she left for vacation. It as if she is going to walk thru the door any moment. Is this normal??

Normal or not, is this the kind of guy you want to get involved with? He is clearly trying to hold on to dead woman, this would indicate to me that he is very possessive and obsessive, which would not be a plus in my books.

Hello, I'm a 30 year old woman dating a widow who has two kids. 6 and 4. They were together for over 10 years and I will be the first to say that there are times in which pictures, stories, and their love, literally knocks me out cold and causes me to lock up inside of myself because I feel that insecure. She is great, treats me wonderfully, I adore her kids, etc. Nothing in terms of how we are with each other is bad. However, I do at times feel second best and like I will always be in the shadow, which is a pain that only people dating widowers can understand. I love her more than I have loved anyone else before and it hurts deeply to know that she can't say the same about me.
My advice for anyone dating a widower is allow yourself to feel those feelings, talk to your friends, and try not to let it get the best of you because if you do, it will eventually paralyze you with fear to move even one step forward.

Do yourself a favor and don't ask about or even think about comparisons. And don't try to "live up" to the past. You will never be able to do it.

That was then, this is now.

Create your own memories with her.

I am a female dating a man who has been widowed 2 years. He is incredible, says he loves me, includes me in his life, is kind and gentle. after 6 months however i have heard enough about his late wife to totally turn me off dating a widow in the future if this relationship does not turn out. In fact I hear enough about his remaining emotional involvement in that relationship that the current effect is that i fear i will not be emotionally able to keep giving myself to this person as I want to be with someone who is devoted to me, that i am the only current love in his life. Emotional faithfulness is vital to gain trust. I wouldnt expect any less from a person who was divorced or single if they said they were available to build a relationship with me. Being ready to start a new relationship doesnt just mean you are ready to receive love and affection - it means you are ready to give yourself to a new person and respect their place in your life. This is just the plain honest truth - taking out compassion for the other person and looking at what happens to me in this relationship. There is a responsibility that falls on the widowed person in terms of caring for the emotions of the person they are with and who is with them 'here and now'. Do not expose your new love to your grief, sentimentality, remaining love for someone else. Full stop. Regardless of your situation, dont expose your current lover to sentimentality from your last relationship - it is just unthoughtful.

You got some valid points here, Bobby. Have you discussed this with your "widow-man"? I agree that there is a fine line between having compassion for
his situation and being emotionally taking advantage of. If he's using you to
lick his wounds and won't reciprocate towards your emotional well being, then
your lacking the essential part of a relationship and it would be better to leave him.

So . . . 2 years is nothing in the grief calendar. - and if this was a sudden death, then it is just the first "thaw".

So what you have is a griefing individual who wants to be held, listened to, and to be able to tell someone what's going on in his life. He needs to do this in a grief group or counseling - not with you.

Insist he get some counseling - group or individual - and stop trying to be his listening board about his griefing issues. That's not your job.

When he starts, gentlely say, "Dear, take that to your group, OK? I am not able to talk to you about that.'

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I understand you pain and grief, but it seems to express itself in anger. The person who posted never date a widow may have hurt you by his comments but obviously he had a very bad experience and for him he would not recommend it. However, that doesn't always hold true for every widow and every relationships. Must take each on a case by case basis. However, some things you stated about never finding love again because no one could hold a candle to your LH etc... well these are the very raw feelings most people who a widower or widow fear. While we understand your grief and deep love and loyalty to your LH what sane person would want to get seriously involved with someone in a committed relationship where they heart so obviously belongs to someone else. No one is saying you must forget your LH or take all your photos down and treat him as an "ex" but neither should you expect any other man to walk into your life and be treated as a Pale comparison or what you are settling for because you cannot have your LH. I think truly from YOUR post you are not ready to date and certainly not ready to give your heart to another. You have to make room in heart for someone else - this doesn't mean forgetting your LH or his memory but nor does it mean making your new potential partner feel like they are not #1 in your life and heart. When you can some reconile both your LH and a new man in your heart w/o comparing the new man and the new love to one you had previously (and finding the new person lacking or unable to hold a candle to the LH) then you have found true love. Grief doesn't mean forgetting but it also doesn't mean holding on so tightly to the past that one cannot live today.

It's true death is not divorce. And you are right on in saying when people divorce they want to move on. They remove photos and in some cases may be trying to fill a hole. Widowers are in a different mind set. But what another poster said is true - we all want someone who is faithful. Not just physical fidelity but someone who was is emotionally faithful. If you chose to engage in a very committed serious relatoinship with another person after you have become widowed and are seriously considering sharing a life with that person then you DO indeed owe emotional fidelity to that person and not to your LH ot LW. Does that mean you simply forget the love your shared for 20 some years, the family you raised, the in-laws you came to treat as your own family? Of course not. But you have to make room in your life for the your new partner - room in your heart - and not make them compete with the love you had for your former spouse. And you have to realize that some time-honored traditions might need to change. Some of your relationship will also begin to change and adapt. When you comitt to someone else they will have a family also. Eventually they may become your new in-laws. This doesn't mean you forget the first set of in-laws, but that relationship priority may have to shift. Just as a man cannot serve two Gods neither should a partner serve two spouses.... you have one spouse hopefully (LOL) at a time. The one you are currently married to- you can remember and have feelings of love for your late spouse but it has to be put in perspective after your grieving process has had time to heal and realize you cannot live a life that no longer is.

In the case ofdating and you are widowed well then you have NO spouse. you are not married any longer - But you still have an obligation if you are seriously dating someone to be present for that person and not be so lost in the past and grief that you lose sight because it unfair to the person you are currently with.

When we engage in a relationship we putting ourselves out there to be emotionally and physically available to a new partner. You cannot be with someone but hold back and be emotionally committed to someone else whether living or deceased. - if you do its selfish indeed. Again - it's about readiness. If you are not ready to take that step then don't!. I realize widowers and widows become lonely but it's not right to satisfy your own loneliess at someone else's expense if you are not truly emotionally ready to give your whole self to another. If you are still fighting to hang on to your past life and grieving - then you are NOT ready to begin a new life. We all have terrible stuff happen - death, divorce. Of course if we could reverse these terrible events and have back a nice happy life from the past we all would. But none of us can. All you CAN do is embrace the past as that --THE PAST. Cherish - remember, but please don't live there and certainly don't date and get seriously involved and expect another man or woman to join you there.

Remember a new person deserves the same love, attention and fidelity as your prior spouse had - if you are not capable of doing that w/o comparisions and holding back then don't get involved - pretty simple. Don't try to ease your own pain and loneliness at the expense of another

I am a widow, I loved my husband. We were togeter for almost 16 years, and I have two young children a 3 and 5 year old. My husband loved/loves me and wants me to be happy. He can never be replaced, I work hard to keep his memory alive for my small children. He died of a heart attack at 37, it was so hard and still is. I think thearpy is important and support is important, and moving forward and living life again is key.
Part of being a person is connecting with people. I became very close with one of my husbands best friends, I have been friends with this man for over 18 years he worked and lived with my husband when they were young. He has known my husband sense jr. high school. He became my best friend and ate a lot of "Tear Soup". I feel in love with him about a year after my husband died. He is very kind, and we moved very slow, I feel blessed to have him.
So to be with a widow you need to be strong, because it is a lot, it just is. But a widow knows more than anyone that life is short: so live it, be loved and love again. Because at the end of the day all we can take with us is love, it really is all about love. Real love, be open to it, and you will be open to more joy. I read somewhere the more you cry the more room you make for love and happiness.
To all the widows out there: I send you a huge hug, and I am so sorry for your loss!! Keep moving!!

Boy, do I echo your sentiments exactly. I was with my husband and father of our son for 32 years, all of my adult life just about. I never ever thought about him or I cheating -- it just would not happen. We were committed to our family and to our relationship. Through the struggles and the good times and the creating of a life together, we became one. I remember him telling me months before he died that he did not love me -- he was instead still "in love" with me. I stopped working for a year and a half to be his 24-7 caretaker as he died daily in front of both of us. He died in my arms.

Do I want to be alone forever? No. Do I know how to be in a long-term relationship? Past behavior says so. But I grow more and more troubled by what I read online from divorcees dating widows.
In a recent grief group hosted by our hospice, I was told that the loss of a child and the loss of a partner are losses that cause a different pain that loss of a parent or sibling. I would have disagreed with that before my experience. Now I agree. I was also told in that group that those who have not experienced this type of loss simply "don't know" and require our patience. It seems that walking in another's shoes is the only behavior that will change your thinking.

We have one burial plot for both of us. And I will be buried with him. The next man I love will be second. There's no way I can fix that. It's simply how the math adds up -- my departed husband was first and the next will be second. Can I love more than one? Parents do it all of the time. But if you want me to completely forget the life that has been most of my life than you lack the qualities that make for a good and long-term relationship. Perhaps that is why you were divorced.

right you are correct

hello

In case you unaware, if you check the datestamp, Rover wrote this thread about 3 yrs ago and is no longer active here.

Rover, I am a widow for the past several years and am dealing with the same issues from my boyfriend that you are experiencing. I've done a lot of soul searching over the years. Regardless if someone is widowed, divorced, or never married the bigger issue is about mature love. Can you accept, lovingly, the person you're with exactly as they are? Everyone has baggage, issues, past experiences that affect who they are today. Embracing your loved one in whole is demostrating that you have the confidence to do so. It is true love when you can honor both past and present with open arms and say I love all of you, and all of you is my future. The late husband is gone. You're here now. That is an honor given to you, to embrace your new loved one for the gift she is in your life. So be happy with her and everything about her which might include memories and issues of the late husband. He's gone and you're here. That's a good thing for both of you.

Dear Easternawoman: my sentiments to you regarding divorcees dating widows. They don't get it. And if they do want to get it, it is their responsibility to educate themselves about it personally and professionally. I am sick and tired of personal account stories from divorcees strugglling with an issue they know nothing about as if the widow should make accomodations to comfort their poor ignorant souls. TO ALL OF YOUR DIVORCEES DEALING WITH THIS, GET HELP! READ A BOOK, TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL, CONSULT WITH YOUR SPIRITUAL ADVISOR. Do whatever you need to do deliver mature love and acceptance to your widow girlfriend, and be loving. If you have to look at pictures, look at them. If you have to create a relationship with the late husband, create one. . . If you have to step out of your naive comfort zone because you love this woman enough to do so, then do it. But do whatever you have to do to get over it or move on. Go date another divorcee so you can compare stories of how miserable your ex-spouses were and how much you hate them. You are hurting the widow even more with your lack of. . . many things that you are lacking. Thank you, A Widow.