Is sex essential in pre-marital relationships?

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Now, I am aware that for many - if not most - people, the ultimate expression of a united relationship is sex, and that for many sex is the ultimate goal of being in a relationship with someone.

I address these questions mainly to those who - like me - seek a partner for life (especially what I call "absolute/complete/eternal monogamy", as opposed to "serial monogamy", which means being with one person at a time but without consciously aiming at marriage or family with that person), but others' opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

Do you think that, in our time and our (contemporary Western) culture, it is essential to develop sexual contact in the early phases of a serious relationship (e.g. first six months)?

Is sex part of "getting to know each other" or can we afford to wait until we know for sure that we are with the right person (to be in a long-term union with)?

Is it harmful to put our sexual drive on standby until we know we will be "together forever"? Could it be decisively negative to turn down sexual advances by your partner?

I ask these questions from a non-religious perspective. So I could also ask: Is chastity acceptable for non-religious people (where one or both partners are non-religious)?

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 4,354 • Replies: 27

@PatientChaos,

Quote:

Is sex essential in pre-marital relationships?

Yes. At least two.

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What is acceptable is what works for you and your partner. This can involve sex, or not. Who the hell cares what anyone else says? They won't be in the marriage. Only the two of you will.

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No.

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I do not think it is essential by any means, but it does make sense to me that people would want to have sex before they decided to be together for the rest of their lives to make sure they were compatible.
Sex is a major part of a relationship and can be a subject that would make or break a relationship. I dont understand the idea that people would NOT want to have that kind of contact before marriage.

But as Jes said, who cares.
It is no one elses business but yours. :0) No matter what they say

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Absolutely.

But it must be in addition to, not the basis of , the relationship.

It excites the relationship at the beginning and sustains it later on.

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What I am asking is whether sex is an essential part of the "experimenting" phase...

I don't understand why sex should determine the compatibility of two people. Why?

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@PatientChaos,

I think having sex is essential to determining sexual compatibility.

If you don't plan to have sex in your marriage (which is fine, just make sure your partner's OK with that), then you don't need to have sex to determine compatibility.

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@sullyfish6,

sullyfish6 wrote:

Absolutely.

But it must be in addition to, not the basis of , the relationship.

It excites the relationship at the beginning and sustains it later on.

I think that Sullyfish has it exactly right. Often, couples are caught up with their raging hormones, to the detriment of developing a complete relationship. If sex is the only "glue" that holds the relationship together, eventually, the entire relationship would fall apart.

I remember a girlfriend of mine who told me that the only time that she was happy with her husband was when they were in bed. Needless to say, the marriage did not last.

IMO, in an ideal situation, the partners are friends first, and have sex later. In that way, the relationship can develop, and the sexual compatability can be ascertained before the couple marries.

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@PatientChaos,

PatientChaos wrote:

So I could also ask: Is chastity acceptable for non-religious people (where one or both partners are non-religious)?

It is acceptable but I would not recommend it!

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It depends on how the couple's sexual energy is redirected. On one hand, they could distract themselves by starting a bridge club, or taking a calligraphy class together. On the other:

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g163/SophieGao/NaturalBornKillers.jpg

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I don't understand what is meant with "sexual compatibility". Could you please clarify?

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@PatientChaos,

Being sexually compatible.

Do you have similar sex drives? Do you enjoy the same sorts of things? Does your partner enjoy giving what you enjoy receiving? Is your sex life mutually satisfying? Etc.

Edit: and more generally, what happens if there is a sexual disconnect? Can you communicate and get past it? Is anyone defensive and closed-off? That kind of thing.

I know too many people who held off on having sex until they got married and then were rudely surprised. Some marriages survived that, some didn't.

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@PatientChaos,

PatientChaos wrote:

Could it be decisively negative to turn down sexual advances by your partner?

Depends on the partner. Could it be? Absolutely.

Pre-marital/marital/post-marital/extra-marital. None should be discounted. Again, it all depends on the specific partner and the relationship.

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@PatientChaos,

Have you ever had sexual relations with a partner?

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@Gargamel,

Gargamel wrote:

Mickey: The whole world's comin' to an end, Mal!
Mallory: I see angels, Mickey. They're comin' down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin' a big red horse, and you're driving them horses, whippin' 'em, and the're spitting and frothing all 'long the mouth, and the're coming right at us. And I see the future, and there's no death, 'cause you and I, we're angels...
Mickey: I love you, Mal.
Mallory: I know you do baby, and I've loved you since the day we met.

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@ehBeth,

ehbeth, that's nosey Wink

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The light is dawning. I now understand this thread as advanced sublimation.

Should I happen to be right (who knows), I'm more interested.

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@Sglass,

Sglass wrote:

ehbeth, that's nosey

Yeah, but inquiring minds want to know!

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

Well, did anyone find out?

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Is sex essential in pre-marital relationships?

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