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Mon 14 Sep, 2009 10:17 am
Over a year ago an expensive and quite valuable item was stolen from my daughters' friend parent's house. There were a handful of kids in the house the night the item went missing, and all were questioned by the police (with no outcome known). My daughter was 17 at the time and insisted she had nothing to do with the theft. A couple of weeks ago I discovered the missing item when I was cleaning out her closet. I really need some advice on how to handle this situation.......I realize the item must be returned! How do I bring this up to my now 18 year old? As a parent I understand kids do stupid things, but it's a tender age and I need to handle this with the upmost sensitivity, as I feel my daughter is not mature enough to handle the outcome (whether the family wants to press charges; suicial attempt). I do not believe my daughter would go to such extremes as suicide, but I know the littlest of things can set them off and they think it's the end of the world and situations cannot be rectified. It's a bleep, and I really need help on how to handle this. Thank-you.
Why not send it back anonymously?
@Ceili,
I am planning to do that, but I also want my daughter to know I know she was the guilty party
Sending it back anonymously is the easy thing to do but you'll be teaching your daughter that you'll lie to get her out of trouble and that's a pretty bad lesson to teach her.
She needs to own up to it -- not just to herself and to you, but to the people that she stole the item from. She needs to return it and apologize.
Chances are they'll be happy to have it back and won't press charges. It's a risk you have to take.
Just my opinion.
@boomerang,
Thank-you for your advice boomerang! I have thought of every senario possible.........I think this might be the right one. But I always go back to how my daughter is going to take this (she did wrong yes and she needs to pay the consequenses, so be it if it's jail or a record! I'm worried about her emotional state, and this could set her back with working situations etc.
I agree that she should apologize. I have a problem with a stupid kids getting a criminal record if it can be avoided.
I believe you should learn from your mistakes.
I would make her volunteer at a homeless shelter for a couple of weekends in a row. Not that all homeless are criminals, but many have made bad choices and maybe she can learn a lesson from that while doing something good for her community. I wouldn't let her get away with this at all.
I'm not a lawyer but the fact that she was a minor when it happened might keep her from having a criminal record.
But the consequence of hiding her actions are larger than the consequences from the theft, in my opinion.
If it were me, I'd sit her down and explain that I love her no matter what and that I'll be there to help her through this but that she is going to have to return the item. Go with her when she does it but don't defend her actions no matter how tempted you might be.
Get her in, get it done, get her out.
She'll be scared but what she's did is probably eating her up inside and she'll find it's a relief to have it over with.
They'll be rightfully pissed that she took it, and lied about it. Your daughter is just going to have to deal with it.
@Ceili,
She's the type of kid when things get tough, she gets going........and I mean I won't see her for awhile. She's like a gypsy when confronted with anything, or she things somethings brewing. She just stays away and I won't see her.
If she lied about taking the item in the first place, why wouldn't she lie and say someone planted it in her closet.
and how do we know someone didn't?
Your daughter appears to have a problem with running away from (literally) her problems.
She needs therapy.
@chai2,
I have also thought about that. The friend (who's house the item was stolen from) could have asked her to stash it for her. Bottom line it's in her posession and she needs to come clean with what happened and why. I'm intervening tonight. Chai I think your right, she definately needs therapy if she's stealing and running away from her problems, only problem is she won't attend.
@trickysitu,
trickysitu wrote:
She's the type of kid when things get tough, she gets going........and I mean I won't see her for awhile. She's like a gypsy when confronted with anything, or she things somethings brewing. She just stays away and I won't see her.
Sounds like all the more reason why she needs this little face-up-to-it exercise. You'll feel bad if she takes off for a while in response, but this isn't about your feelings. You've got a job to do...
@FreeDuck,
Thanks for everyone that responded and the feedback.........."The Intervention" is tonight, I'm somewhat apprehensive, but your right FreeDuck in your face is exactly what she needs........tough love is so hard though, you just want them to be safe. I will let all know how things worked out tomorrow! Thanks again for the advice.
@trickysitu,
She's putting you at risk by having stolen property in the house.
Eighteen is well past the age where she needs to understand that her actions have consequences.
My suggestion: either she returns it herself with your support, and possibly avoids criminal charges by talking to the family, or you return it for her and let them make their own decisions.
@trickysitu,
How did you know to call me Chai and not Chai2?
@chai2,
just forgot the 2....why?
@Phoenix32890,
Phenix32890 thank-you for your responds....this is what brings me to the conclusion that maybe she is stashing it for her friend. It is valuable, so she could have sold it and made some money. However having said that, she might have possibly been spooked when the police were involved, and didn't want to draw attention to the item at hand. Any thoughts?
I am curious to hear the daughter's explanation.
Taking responsibility for ones action is something every parent should teach
and it has very little to do with tough love, it's really a prerequisite for a future healthy life.
I definitely would send my daughter to the friend's parents house to give back the stolen item and have her apologize. There is just no way around it.
Whoa. Send it back anonymously and punish her yourself. Too often these things can blow up and cause a lot of fuss. You have no idea how the people will react to finding out your daughter stole their object. It's expensive and time consuming when authorities get involved.
Best bet, clean it very well to get rid of any fingerprints or identifying marks of who had possession of it and leave it on their doorstep or back door or what ever. Take caution if it is breakable.
Then sit her down, explain to her what she did wrong and then work out a punishment. Community service is always a good idea and there is nothing wrong with that. Take away some privileges as well. Punishment is suppose to suck.
Let her know that this was also her one get out jail free card and if she ever does something like that again, you will take to the cops yourself.
I would certainly be wary of letting the other family know it was your daughter though. You are just asking for meaningless trouble.
@McGentrix,
I believe your right! Quick question though, would you yourself involve the police if your item was returned by a stupid teenager that made a mistake?
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