Stealing Teenager

@trickysitu,

Personally, no. But I am not the people that had something stolen from them and I can't speak for them. I have seen too many situations where good meaning actions end up with bad consequences. Once your daughter has admitted her guilt, you are stuck with whatever decision these other people make. Do you really want to put your daughter at that risk? Do you know the family? Do you have any idea what their reaction will be?

They already involved the police once according to your original post. Chances are they wouldn't hesitate to do so again.

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@trickysitu,

trickysitu- I have no idea. All of us can only speculate as to what is the true scenario, based on the limited information that we have.

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I've had first hand experience with this. My newphew did one thing wrong. A stupid, stupid thing. He stole 5 chocolate bars. I was all for punishment. I wanted him to pay for his mistake. I wanted him to realize what he'd done.
My sister-in-law was angry. She punished him then made her son confess.
The other party pressed charges. Made a big deal of it. Everybody found out. He now has a record. Nobody trust's him. He's an angry kid now, doesn't trust his mom or any adult. He was a good kid, goaded by his friends into something stupid and he's paid the price. But for what?
The court ordered counselling too. He went, they reported he was angry, never got the parents involved. It never went further than that. 5 stupid chocolate bars... Court costs, counselling, lawyer....
I'm afraid the lesson was lost.

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@McGentrix,

Quote:

Then sit her down, explain to her what she did wrong and then work out a punishment. Community service is always a good idea and there is nothing wrong with that. Take away some privileges as well. Punishment is suppose to suck.

IMO, community service is the wrong way to go. What is the message that the daughter would get if her PUNISHMENT is community service? What the mother would be saying is that community service is aversive, and that is not the right message to give a young person.

Your remark reminds me of those teachers who would give extra homework as punishment for a student's infractions. So, instead about being excited about learning, the student would correlate studying with punishment.

Quote:

I would certainly be wary of letting the other family know it was your daughter though. You are just asking for meaningless trouble.

Ideally, the girl should be made to "face the music". The problem is, that we don't know the other people. They might cause the girl legal difficulties. If the girl were 12 or so, I might say definitely make the girl own up to what she has done. At eighteen, I could see that the ramifications could be very serious.

It is a tough call. On the one hand, if you clean off the item, and give it back anonymously, you are giving the girl a double message. (It is not ok to steal, but it IS ok to be sneaky.) On the other hand, you don't want the possibility that the girl's life might be ruined, over what may be an isolated indiscretion.

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@trickysitu,

I agree with mcgentrix, and I wouldn't get the police involved.

I don't know that I would call the police if someone returned an object to me, it would depend on the situation. I might if I knew the thief had a history of bad behavior.

It doesn't matter though what I or mcgentrix would do, it's what we could do.

The people will just be happy to get their stuff back.
Don't give them any ammunition. They could be flaky and/or hold a grudge.

Frankly, I don't know if a punishment would do any good. Would the girl see it as "you're doing this to me" as opposed to "this is what I deserve"?
If she doesn't have a sense of accountability for her actions for the sake of being an ethical person, punishing her might just make her feel put upon.

From what you said, i.e. her leaving and not coming back for a long time (which btw, you put up with), she may not have much empathy for the worries, anger, etc. that her actions cause others.

You say she wouldn't go to therapy. Why? Does she feel she's fine? Maybe it's others fault she runs away, steals stuff?

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@Phoenix32890,

Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
Then sit her down, explain to her what she did wrong and then work out a punishment. Community service is always a good idea and there is nothing wrong with that. Take away some privileges as well. Punishment is suppose to suck.

IMO, community service is the wrong way to go. What is the message that the daughter would get if her PUNISHMENT is community service? What the mother would be saying is that community service is aversive, and that is not the right message to give a young person.

Your remark reminds me of those teachers who would give extra homework as punishment for a student's infractions. So, instead about being excited about learning, the student would correlate studying with punishment.

Should she end up in family court, her punishment would most likely be a fine, a number of hours of community service and probation.

So, I suggest bypassing the process, saving the money and following up with punishment. I am not sure why you would think a court imposing community service is any worse then a parents.

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@McGentrix,

Quote:

I suggest bypassing the process, saving the money and following up with punishment. I am not sure why you would think a court imposing community service is any worse then a parents.

I never said that a court imposing community service is any worse than if parents do it. What I said is that I think the community service, as a PUNISHMENT, is giving the perpetrator of the crime a very bad message. IMO, community service is something that is best given out of the goodness of one's heart, not out of force.

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So you prefer jail time?

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@McGentrix,

Quote:

So you prefer jail time?

Of course not. That is why I am so uncertain about telling the person whose item was stolen. If you are talking in general, I think that fines and/or house arrests are appropriate punishments for crimes that are not serious enough for incarceration.

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I could be wrong but when a court orders community service it usually means wearing an orange vest and picking up trash along the highway and you have to show up at scheduled times, etc.

Mom mandated community service probably means putting in time at a food pantry, with some pretty cool people, and having fun.

Depending on how expensive the item was I'll wager they won't involve the police as they have probably already collected the insurance on the item and they won't want to give that money back.

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@McGentrix,

McGentrix wrote:

Best bet, clean it very well to get rid of any fingerprints or identifying marks of who had possession of it and leave it on their doorstep or back door or what ever. Take caution if it is breakable.

Your advice is really great - in doing so, the mother would make herself an
accessory of the crime - and in case you don't know: stealing is a crime.
We don't know what the item is, but it must have been very valuable for the
parents to involve police.

What if the daughter has stolen before? Clean it and get rid of fingerprints
and bring it back? I think not!!

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She wouldn't be charged with theft, there is no continuity. It would be possession of stolen property. But Boomer is right, they've probably already spent the insurance money, I doubt they'd call the police...
Let this be another lesson learned, even the wronged can be wrong.

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@trickysitu,

Welcome to A2K - and yes... it is a tricky situation!

Mmmm.... this is difficult to answer. You haven’t said if your daughter has been in trouble before or has a history of taking anything. Quite understandable not to say that " but it’s difficult to give an opinion believing you are going to make a decision based on these replies, to the information you have given us here.

If your daughter hasn’t been in any trouble before and struggles with anxiety (you mentioned suicidal " that’s a big statement which I wouldn’t imagine someone says without having cause, which says to me there is something far more deep rooted going on) " well, I would not take the risk of an 18 yr old who has had a “clean sheet” possibly ending up with a criminal record, if that’s what could happen. (I wouldn't know that)

Kids do a lot of things " and yes, should be held accountable for their actions. This is a year down the line and I think, from what you have said, even your discovery of the item may cause her a serious issue. This needs to be addressed.

I’m not sure really what would be the right thing to do " yes, I think kids ought to be accountable " but then again, kids do make mistakes. If your daughter had stolen something that was not valuable from someone else, or say, for instance, taken some money from your purse, would you call the police? I wouldn’t call the police but my child would be sanctioned in some way. If she takes things from others regularly or is in and out of trouble all the time ... well, that’s a whole different scenario again.

Sorry " that’s not much help really " I would advise talking to a close friend at home who knows your family and your daughter " the decision you make here could have huge consequences (yes, everyone should have consequences to their actions) " I don’t know the law, especially US law " if your kid has not been in any kind of trouble before, then I think it’s a big risk to take. Of course, if she hasn’t been in trouble before, then the law may just caution her or the family would not press charges and let it go.

Hopefully a legal expert may come along and let you know how the law would view this. If not, I would try and find out the legalities before going back to the parents and returning the item.

I hope you are able to resolve it and that your daughter will learn by her mistakes when you talk with her about this - and that the family have their item returned (tho insurance company would need to be notified) " but I do hope that the consequences of her actions a year ago will not affect the rest of her future adversely if the other family decide to press charges (if they can, don’t know the law).

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@CalamityJane,

CalamityJane wrote:

McGentrix wrote:
Best bet, clean it very well to get rid of any fingerprints or identifying marks of who had possession of it and leave it on their doorstep or back door or what ever. Take caution if it is breakable.

Your advice is really great - in doing so, the mother would make herself an
accessory of the crime - and in case you don't know: stealing is a crime.
We don't know what the item is, but it must have been very valuable for the
parents to involve police.

What if the daughter has stolen before? Clean it and get rid of fingerprints
and bring it back? I think not!!

I am sure you would have no problem with your child having to go through the justice system. That's fine for you and your children. I would rather have me as the judge and jury for my childrens actions pertaining to something like this. We all make our own judgment calls based on our own experiences. You offer your advice, I will offer mine and that way people can see two directions to go.

Critiquing my advice does not help the poster.

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McGentrix, I didn't critique your advice, I am just telling you that you advice
the mother to be an accessory to a crime - that's no criticism, that's stupidity on
your part.

Incidentially my daughter's rather expensive cell phone was stolen the other
day by a classmate. I did not involve the police but I let my daughter handle
the affair herself, as she a) will learn to choose her friends more wisely,
b) will appreciate her possessions more , and c) take responsibility.

The only thing you would teach a teenager with your advice is that Daddy
will bail you out when the going gets tough. You of all people, McGentrix,
who advocates morality in your political posts, tell someone else to be an
accessory of crime. Hypocrite!!

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@CalamityJane,

CalamityJane wrote:

McGentrix, I didn't critique your advice, I am just telling you that you advice
the mother to be an accessory to a crime - that's no criticism, that's stupidity on
your part.

Incidentially my daughter's rather expensive cell phone was stolen the other
day by a classmate. I did not involve the police but I let my daughter handle
the affair herself, as she a) will learn to choose her friends more wisely,
b) will appreciate her possessions more , and c) take responsibility.

The only thing you would teach a teenager with your advice is that Daddy
will bail you out when the going gets tough. You of all people, McGentrix,
who advocates morality in your political posts, tell someone else to be an
accessory of crime. Hypocrite!!

Oh please, stop the nonsense.

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Just another thought...

if there was an insurance payout on the item, depending on what it was and what the value was, would the insurance company then be the ones who could press charges. Of course, it could be that the item was a family heirloom which may not be so much of monetary value.... but heritage value...

surely, if an insurance company pays out for an insurance claim, they then own it. So, if the mom/kid goes to the family to return the item, and the police/insurance folk get involved, it may not be down to the family press charges, but the insurance system - who may or may not have their own policy.

dunno..... hopefully someone with legal knowledge would know that.

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@Izzie,

Izzie thank-you for the warm welcome! I have no idea what the family will do, and that's what scares me! If the shoe was on the other foot, I would welcome the item and be thankful it was brought back (knowing or not knowing who took the item) and like you said me be the judge and jury! She's a good kid, making bad mistakes. As far as the suicide issue, like I said before kids think things like this are the end of the world. I know when I was 18 even little things like not talking to a friend for whatever reason felt like a big time tragedey! Kids do foolish things in the heat of turmoil.

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Thoughtful post, Izzie. And welcome, tricky.

I can see every poster's pov, which ain't no help, eh? It also doesn't help that I just finished the book Sleepers, a primer for what can happen to those jailed young for crimes when they are still retrievable as moral humans. Though I'm not thinking jail is likely as an outcome.

I hope to see more comments, still thinking on this, and see Izzie's point about making a legal inquiry before returning the Object of Desire (whose ever desire, as it is possible your daughter is just keeping it for someone, maybe someone's get away from home fund). At this minute, I might see the lawyer before talking with the daughter, though my instinct would be to confront the daughter first.

1 Reply

@trickysitu,

Things that I don't think we know yet that influence my response (and sorry if you did say this and I missed it):

- Has she done anything else like this? You do use the plural re "good kid making bad mistakes"

- How much is this item worth, ballpark? (Like, under $200, $200-$500, $500-$1000, whatever.)

hmm, I had some other things I wanted to ask but now I forget. I'll start there.

I do agree that talking to a lawyer seems like a good idea. Perhaps before the "intervention," so you have more information and more of an idea of how to respond. (As in, if this is actually an offense that could cause her to go to jail or whether community service is the worst she'd be looking at.)

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Stealing Teenager

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