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Can men and women be "just friends"?

 
 
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:24 pm
Amongst my friends I have been getting alot of different responses... Just wondering how the majority of people feel about this. It can be a sensitive subject. This little discussion among my friends started because my friend Stacey recently got a phone call from one of her exes. Stacey is a very attractive woman and guys have always really liked her. There was this guy in her past (Mike) who she always had a pseudo-relationship with. They never quite got together due to circumstances in one of their lives or another; but everyone knew they were "in like" with each other and really had something special... Talked all the time and did hook up a couple of times but the time was never really right for them to really get together (basically chalk it up to immaturity). So fast forward a few years (they had lost touch for about 3 years), and Stacey starts thinking about Mike. She Googles him and finds a very old email address and sends a "what's new?" email, figuring he didn't use this address anymore she was surprised when he responded. He gave her his number and told her to call him, so she did. They had a somewhat awkward at first conversation but eventually got back into their old comfort zone. Turns out Mike is married!!! Stacey, thinking nothing of it asks Mike to get together sometime if his wife was okay with that sort of thing. Mike said his wife would probably not appreciate it, but he could probably "work something out". They left the option open and didn't make any plans. So here's the question... Does Mike have alterior motive? He could have easily just emailed her back and never gave out his number... Most of my male friends think he probably still has feelings for Stacey and wants to see her (they are convinced guys don't call "just to check in"). Most of my female friends think that it could be totally innocent... I'm not sure what I think. How about you?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 11 • Views: 3,147 • Replies: 50
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mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:50 pm
Mike is a married guy. There is no benefit to Stacey by remaining 'friends' unless she can also be upfront about the frienhdship and possibly friends with Mike's wife. They are a couple now. Infringing on one part of the couple makes for bad karma is certainly not any relationship that would be healthy in the long run.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:52 pm
@mm25075,
So are you saying that men and woman can't be just friends? That there is always alterior motive?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:56 pm
@missywho,
http://able2know.org/topic/135026-1#post-3726269

kinda deja-vu all over again
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:58 pm
@missywho,
They can be friends under the right circumstances but the friendship should be upfront and out in the open with nothing hidden from the wife. Hopefully she is confident enough in herself not to be jealous of the friendship. Note in my world friendship means strictly a platonic friend, with no kissing or sexual connotations of any kind. It doesn't sound like that is the case with the situation given between Mike and Stacey.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:58 pm
I agree with mm25...
Stacy should have invited Mike and his wife to meet her. I have quite a few
male friends from way back when, and when they got married, their wives
became friends too, sometimes better ones than the guys. Though there was never any sexual tension towards the male friends in the first place.
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:59 pm
@ehBeth,
Yeah, I noticed that too ehBeth.
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DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 12:59 pm
@missywho,
Men and women can definitely be friends.

But the previous romantic relationship definitely affects the scenario, here.

Plus he's saying that his wife wouldn't like it, but he'll go ahead with it anyway.

Bad juju.



But you can't draw a line from one data point. One situation cannot be extrapolated into a global rule.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:01 pm
@ehBeth,
That's way too much for me to read... ha! But in this case, I'm just really trying to see what people think about the good old "can't we just be friends" addage...a simple yes or no would do!!!
0 Replies
 
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:04 pm
@mm25075,
True, I agree with you... But my POV is that men and women CAN just be friends in general... I don't really mean in this specific case... I was just giving an example. I've gotten alot of interesting feedback from my friends. It's particularly interesting to hear from friends that are married opposed to those who are not...
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:07 pm
@CalamityJane,
Well the thing is that Stacey has no residual feelings for Mike, she really just wanted to catch up... Interesting about the whole "bringing the wife into the friendship" scenario...
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mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:08 pm
@missywho,
I don't see a friendship as a true friendship unless one can be honest with their romantic partner (spouse). That is one of the things people look for in marriage. If one cannot be honest, then he/she should not be married.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:10 pm
@DrewDad,
I see, so your POV is that men and women can only be "just friends" if there was never any romantic interest to start with. That makes sense to me, although feelings CAN fade over time! I agree that he should tell his wife if they choose to meet up.
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:11 pm
I say listen to your guy friends who are telling you what the real deal is.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:11 pm
@mm25075,
I totally agree on this point! Been there, done that!
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missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:12 pm
@eoe,
But why not listen to the girls? And what is your opinion eoe? Can guys and girls be just friends?
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:12 pm
@missywho,
missywho wrote:
I see, so your POV is that men and women can only be "just friends" if there was never any romantic interest to start with.

No, that is not my POV.

I said that the previous romantic relationship complicates things. I did not say that it makes a friendship impossible.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:14 pm
@DrewDad,
Thanks for clarifying!
0 Replies
 
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:30 pm
@missywho,
missywho wrote:

But why not listen to the girls? And what is your opinion eoe? Can guys and girls be just friends?


Because many women will put on blinders, play dumb/innocent and act like they don't know that a guy who they consider 'just a friend' is really trying to get into their pants. In my opinion, it's just like what Billy Crystal said in "When Harry Met Sally". (I'm paraphrasing):
Harry: Men can never be friends with an attractive woman. He'll always want to screw her.
Sally: So, you're saying that men can only be friends with ugly girls?
Harry: Nah. They pretty much want to nail them too.

If you can accept this, that your male friend is just waiting for his moment, then yes, men and women can be 'just friends'. It may be years before they reveal their true desire but nine times out of ten, your male friends would bed you down in a hot minute given half the chance. That's been my personal experience.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2009 01:46 pm
@eoe,
Harry Met Sally is a great movie, isn't it? Very interesting eoe, I like that response! And I will say, though I love my girl, Stacey she has def been a little naive (read: played dumb) in the past for sure!!!
0 Replies
 
 

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