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Can men and women be "just friends"?

 
 
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Sep, 2009 02:10 pm
@chai2,
My point, Chai was not that having problems makes it okay to take up with another person... I only meant that if someone is consistently unhappy they should seperate AS OPPOSED TO taking up with someone else. I agree that people should work through it if they can, you can't assume that marriages will be all sunshine and roses.
I disagree with you about the copout business; why should she assume he's married? He wasn't a couple of years ago! So are we just never to contact people from our past throughout our lives because they MIGHT be married? I certainly would have far fewer friendships if that were the case.
And why are you assuming that Mike is out to cause trouble? Or that Stacey is for that matter? She did the right thing in my opinion in deciding not to contact him. However, she can't control if Mike calls her or not that would be his adult decision to do so or not to do so. It's also his decision (and responsibilty) to tell his wife that he contacted Stacey. Who knows if he ever will contact her again? Maybe he really just wanted to "check in" and that's the end of it...
0 Replies
 
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Sep, 2009 02:12 pm
@eoe,
I totally agree eoe... Actually I think that is the case most often. People get married that shouldn't be married. Unfortunately, that's why the divorce rate is so high today Sad
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BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Sep, 2009 12:04 pm
Late reply, sorry, but very interesting post.

I have a male friend from college (25 yrs ago), and found him via Internet about 3 yrs ago. He's married, I'm married.

This friend plans to visit me sometime soon, at which time, of course, my husband will be present. I think my friend will like my husband and hopefully become friends with him.

What disturbs me is that the friend does NOT plan to bring his wife for the visit, nor will he even tell her he's visiting us.

Well, actually, I did kinda know her back in college and she and I never liked each other, at all. Maybe that explains his exclusion of her.

I can't control what friend tells his wife, but I can control the visit: My husband will be there.

From my POV, yes, males and females CAN be friends. If they're married to others, however, I think it's really important to include the spouse in the friend relationship.
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Sep, 2009 02:18 pm
@BorisKitten,
Let us know how that goes, BorisKitten. The fact that he's not telling his wife about the visit has ulterior motive written all over it. My guess is, there's something she knows about your relationship with her husband that you don't know.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Sep, 2009 02:59 pm
@eoe,
Kinda interesting, isn't it, EOE? I'd guess you're right about what his wife knows.

Also interesting is that college-pal plans to bring with him another college-pal, also male (and another friend of mine from way back when).

A Chaperone? He won't need one. Hubby's perfectly willing to do that for me!

Despite my high level of trust with Husband, I'd want to be with him if he met an old female friend from college, too. I think Husb has a right to be there.

Maybe it's naive of me to think H and Pal will make friends, but that would be ideal for me, and they actually do have a lot in common.

Will sure let you know how it happens in Real Life, if it ever comes about!
eoe
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Sep, 2009 06:52 pm
@BorisKitten,
BorisKitten wrote:

Despite my high level of trust with Husband, I'd want to be with him if he met an old female friend from college, too. I think Husb has a right to be there.


This is how I judge these kinds of things too. Do unto others... I don't respond to emails from former boyfriends via social websites and such, sending along their phone numbers and asking me to call them, for the simple reason that I would not appreciate it if my husband was chatting with his ex-girlfriends. That may appear paranoid and controlling but, it keeps the potential for trouble out of my marriage and that's my goal.
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Sep, 2009 08:23 pm
@BorisKitten,
It's interesting BorisKitten, how often this kind of thing happens lately. I guess it's all thanks to technology!!! Did you ask your friend why he doesn't plan to bring his wife? Does he know your husband is joining you? I also agree with you that it's your friend's decision wether or not to bring his wife, you can only do the right thing for YOURSELF and that is to bring your husband... Definitely keep us posted!!!!
missywho
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Sep, 2009 08:24 pm
@BorisKitten,
Just another thought... was your relationship always purely platonic?
0 Replies
 
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Sep, 2009 07:29 pm
@missywho,
Hi Missy, and let's see... I did not ask pal why he didn't plan to bring his wife, because he's already made it clear that he plain doesn't like her.

Why does he stay with her? (I Have asked that!) "She's a good mother."

Yeah, well, in my world, this is NOT a good reason to live with a person for the rest of your life. I've hinted a bit strongly that that's what I think, and Pal is smart enough to understand my comments.

In fact, I've told him quite clearly, in the past, that if he doesn't love her, he should leave her, and find someone he Does Love. (This would make me very happy for him.)

I don't think it's fair, honestly, for him or for her, to "Stay together for the sake of the children." Kids know all about their parents' Real relationships, and I think it sets a poor example for kids when they know their parents actually don't like one another.

Still, it's not in my power to make my old friend live his life in a way that I think is correct, or happier. He has to do it himself, and want happiness himself.

Worst of all, this is not the only couple I know who are staying together "for the children." The kids know it, learn it, and grow up to live it.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Sep, 2009 07:30 pm
@eoe,
I don't think your actions are negative in any way! I think they're healthy.
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missywho
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Sep, 2009 08:13 pm
@BorisKitten,
I agree with you BorisKitten that if Pal is not happy/doesn't love his wife he should not be with her. So many people (even on this post) think that you should "stick it out" whether it's for the kids or the spouse or simply for the commitment you made. I personally think that you are not doing anyone any favors by staying in an unhappy relationship... kids or no kids. Sometimes people make mistakes or simply outgrow each other, we are only human after all. But honestly if my partner wasn't happy with me, I would hope he would be honest with me and do the right thing. How horrible it would be to wake up every day just KNOWING that my partner isn't happy but is just sticking it out for MY sake or the sake of the kids. And you are right, staying in an unhealthy relationship is not good for the children either. They are far more perceptive than people give them credit for! I have too many friends that grew up in a "no love marriage" house and they have such warped views of love and happiness... it's very sad. All you can do is stick by your friend and support the decision he makes. Keep us updated Smile
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