Need some advice... please help!

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ok, this is a bit of a long story, but here goes.
about 9 years ago when i was in college i met this guy (we'll call him "kyle")who was visiting a friend of mine at our school. we hit it off immediately like nothing i have ever experienced before (or ever again). we were attached at the hip all night and this guy at the party even said you could "visibly see our connection". at the end of the party we had an innocent kiss. at this time i was broken up with my on again off again boyfriend. before we were leaving some drama happened with one of my friends and we didn't say goodbye.
i couldn't stop thinking about him so a few days later i asked his friend for his number (so unlike me). we started talking pretty often and had this ridiculous connection. but my ex and i were kind of getting back together and i was really confused, which i let kyle know. so kyle said "i would never want you to be confused for any reason on my account. i'll step down and we can stop talking for a while, i know it will work out eventually". i stupidly got back together with my ex.
every time kyle came up to visit we would hang out... he was a gentleman and nothing ever happened, but still our connection was like nothing i could even begin to explain. we would talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say. when i thought about him he'd sense it and call me; when he thought about me, i'd sense it and call him. he even used to call me his soul mate. then he had to go to iraq with the military. i was devastated, but still with my boyfriend and started seeing someone else (he was gone for two years) I was one of the first people he called when he got home and i was so happy to hear from him.
he always used to ask me 'if i was happy' and 'when i was going to be with him'. i was torn once again but remained loyal to my boyfriend. i stopped talking to him for a little while when my boyfriend and i were getting serious. i graduated college and before i left, kyle's friend came to talk to me. "don't lose kyle's number" he said "he really cares alot about you and you're going to want it someday. i just know it". that statement has always haunted me.
a year or so later i had lost touch with all of his friends, so i couldn't even get an email address or anything. i basically accepted that he was out of my life for good when one day my best friend called me to let me know that she started dating a guy from another part of the state. then she said, "i know this is weird, but i think that my new boyfriend is friends with kyle... what's his last name?" so i told her and we confirmed that indeed, kyle and her boyfriend were good friends. she told me that kyle was back in iraq. but he had came into my life in a whole new way... things with my current boyfriend were starting to deteriorate and i missed kyle more than ever.
when kyle got home, my friend and i made a double date with he and her boyfriend. i never even considered the fact that kyle may have a girlfriend by this time. unfortunately he did, but he didn't tell me at the time. we were so giddy to see each other. we ran to each other and he picked me up in a huge bear hug like in the movies..we hung out all night and it was just as wonderful as it always was. we never skipped a beat, we cuddled and kissed and just really enjoyed being together all night. when we got back to my friends house, we ended up having sex. we talked for a while and he told me how much he always liked me and then we went to sleep. when we woke up he was so strange. very quiet and just really not himself. he gave me a kiss on the forehead and left saying he would call me the next day. he never called.
i found out from my friend's boyfriend that he had a girlfriend, but he stil liked me so much (as he always had). he told me that Kyle felt really guilty because the girl he was dating waited for him while he was overseas and that she was a good girl. i called him a week or two later and he never returned my call. i was devasted, but knew he probably felt guilty about having a girlfriend and all... maybe it was easier for him to just never talk to me again? as upset as i was... i know him so well that i never thought he was a jerk or harbored resentment or anything like that. take my word for it, he's a great man.
so i let a sleeping dog lie. i wanted him to do what he needed to do, just like he had let me all of those other times. i always missed him, but i moved on with my life. i officially broke it off with my boyfriend and took two years of "me time" before getting into the relationship i'm currently in. i still always thought of kyle though. then a few weeks ago i had a dream about him and couldn't shake it. i suddenly became overwhelmed with this awful feeling that we really are supposed to be together and started panicking. so i started doing some research and found out that he's married! just 3 months ago... i don't even know if it's the same girl he was with before or not. i am so devasted and depressed i don't know what to do. i know in my heart we are soulmates and should be together... it's so hard for me to think that it was all in my head and he never really was...what do i do?
i don't have his cell number (i changed mine a few years ago and lost all the numbers) all i have is his parent's number. i don't have an email address for him and he's not on myspace or facebook. i wish i could just send him a casual email, but that's not an option...
also, maybe he didn't enjoy sleeping with me and just figured "that's it?" and ran back to his girlfriend... the thought that 9 years of all of this amounted to nothing really upsets to me a level i can't even explain...i also dont even know if the girl he's married to is the girl he was with when we slept together. if it's not, that's even more devastating because it means that he didn't even think of me when he was single.
i feel so much regret for not getting with this wonderful man when i had a chance...why is this happening and what can i do??? i'm so depressed...

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Well . . . two ships passing in the night. Can't quite get together. I notice he is often an after-thought of yours during your lull times.

But the truth is that he DID have time and opportunity to find you IF his feelings were as strong. He didn't make the effort. And you didn't when you had the time.

So . . . You are going to have to accept that this is one that got away. He is married and you need to step back.

Explore EXACTLY what it is about him that you just loved, and then go and find and find another guy that has those qualities.

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I see two possibilities: 1) You dream of Kyle because you are not happy with your current boyfriend. 2) You have never given your current boyfriend (or last boyfriend maybe) a real chance because you never got over Kyle.

#1 seems more likely and is something I have seen a lot. First, you need to understand that the connection you had with Kyle was real, but its not unique. You can and should find someone you have that kind of connection with. If you are still thinking about Kyle then it sounds like you don't have that kind of connection with your boyfriend and have never had that kind of connection with anyone you have dated. You need to change what you look for in men and spend some time dating in earnest. Don't go past the 3rd or 4th date if you don't feel that kind of connection. Don't settle for less. Also, don't overlook guys just because they don't meet some ridiculous requirements (you are less likely to find that connection with "buff" guys, or "hot" guys with motorcycles or lots of money... they know they can "get" hot girls and are often too conceded because of that to ever make a real connection with anyone... though this generalization doesn't always hold true and you can find egotistical assholes among any demographic)... the key is to search for that connection. Some guys get nervous and shy so you might want to give them a couple dates to "warm up", but after 3 or 4 you should have your answer... if its not there it probably never will be. This might sound odd coming from a guy, but: DON'T SLEEP WITH THEM! You will separate the ones looking for a real connection from the ones looking for physical satisfaction by just holding out for a few dates. If the connection is there then go for it after a few dates if you feel like it, but not without that connection and not before a few dates have passed. Another key is that YOU need to approach THEM! I know that's not how it usually works and I'm not saying you have to ask them out... just start conversations with guys and they will do the rest.

I'm not saying you should give up on Kyle entirely. Talk to him and see how his life is going. Get him to speak honestly about what his life is like. If he has a deep connection with his wife (he probably does, but there's a chance he settled) then give up and go home. If he doesn't then just play it by ear but don't give your hopes up. There is no reason you can't date as well.

The main point is: don't chase hot guys or cave to guys because they are "interested" in you when you have no real connection with them. Believe me, far more guys are interested in you than you realize, they are usually just too nervous to say so. Girls have an incredible amount of power over guys, especially the ones that are too nervous to show their interest. There are so many great guys out there you have simply overlooked that can probably offer a deeper connection that you had with Kyle. Don't settle. Leave your boyfriend. Date nice guys. Rinse and repeat until you find your Kyle 2.0... he really is out there.

Oh, and if Kyle's door is closed then GET OVER HIM! Don't bring him up to other guys, they will get jealous and clam up, especially the good ones. Don't compare other guys to Kyle (at least not to their faces)... guys have more fragile egos than they let on. You can maybe be friends much later in life, but for now don't even talk to Kyle as it will be counter productive.

If I'm wrong about my assumption and your problem is #2 then get over Kyle first, give your boyfriend a chance, and if you don't have that kind of connection with him in a VERY short period of time... leave... and then follow the rest of my advice.

Being alone is never desirable, but its infinitely better than being with someone you've settled for. You don't have to settle. Keep searching for as long as it takes and if you never find a real soul mate again you will be alone, but you won't be miserable with someone you isn't your soul mate, and that really is the better outcome. If you really date in earnest and don't overlook the nice guys you won't have to worry about either of the possibilities... you will find someone even better than Kyle and you will share your life with someone you didn't settle for.

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@akay,

Welcome to able2know akay.

akay wrote:

why is this happening and what can i do???

Why is this happening?

You both made a series of choices over the years. His most recent one was to marry someone else.

You had a couple of opportunities in the past to possibly develop a solid relationship with "Kyle". For your own reasons you didn't.

~~~

What can you do?

Continue with your life as "Kyle" did - and as you did until you discovered that he'd made a decision that cuts you out completely.

Are you going to break up with your current boyfriend today in hopes that you might make contact with Kyle sometime in the future and maybe find out that he doesn't love his wife dearly?

~~~

Quote:

9 years of all of this amounted to nothing

"all of this". I think you need to be honest with yourself about what "all of this" was.

It seems that "Kyle" was always in the background of your past and current relationship as an "if only" fantasy. Now that he's married, you have to give up that fantasy. It can be harsh when it becomes obvious that a fantasy is just that - a fantasy.

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@sullyfish6,

hi there, i really appreciate your post. i'm at such a low point right now, it's comforting to listen to different points of view Smile

the thing is, he was never an afterthought, he was always there... i just was always in a relationship and deemed it inappropriate to pursue two things at once. i kept passing him over as a relationship prospect because i wasn't looking for something super serious and i somehow knew that if we did get together, it would be serious. basically i was too young and immature to know what i really wanted. i know myself alot better now, and would have done things completely different.
we never went through a period of not talking...he DID always find me or i DID always find him. this only ended with our last connection (when he had a serious girlfriend/now wife).
i'm not making any moves... i wouldn't mess with marriage!!! i just can't help but wonder if we'll ever reconnect. i really miss having him in my life, even if it was only as a friend... i mean i would really like to congratulate him on his marriage and just check in, but i have no way of getting in touch with him. i lost his phone number and i never had any email address for him... it's just tough to take that i may never talk to him again.

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@examancer,

hi there, i really appreciate your post... i need all the advice i can get right now!!!
basically what i think is not option 1 or option 2, but perhaps a 3rd option?
when i was younger, i didn't know myself (i was stupid and immature and chased the wrong guys. read: egotistical assholes as you so poetically put it!!!). knowing myself the way i do now, i would do everything differently. sucks as it may, i do realize i can't go back in a time machine! here's the thing: i have had connections with every one of my boyfriends (or i never would have gotten serious with any of them); but being older and realizing now that what kyle and i had was special. more special perhaps than anything i will ever come across again...
i love my current boyfriend, i honestly do, we just don't have as intense of a connection as kyle and i had, believe me when i tell you it was extraordinary... i don't think most people (even married people) have this connection. i know it sounds crazy, i just wish i appreciated it when it was in front of me.
i would love to send kyle an email or make some kind of contact, but it's impossible. i don't have his cell phone number anymore (lost in a phone that got misplaced) i never had his email address and he's not on facebook or myspace. (i know, WHO is NOT on facebook! lol) the only contact number i have for him is his parents home phone number and i think thats inappropriate to hunt him down that way. also, i really just MISS him... not just in a romantic way, but were SO close. i miss his friendship. i miss the hours long conversations... i would settle happily to just be his friend.
i never bring up kyle to other guys, actually its weird, but we had felt so special that really only my best friend knows about him... i felt like i could never explain our relationship to anyone else...

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@ehBeth,

hi there, thanks so much for taking the time to post back to me... i need all the help i can get!
i did want to set a few things straight...
i did make many bad decisions not to be with kyle over the years because i was young and stupid and didn't know what i wanted or what is important in life. i have and continue to go on with my life, i just have a void and have had that void since we stopped talking... i don't wish anything bad on him or his wife, if they are happy then c'est la vie! i missed out... it's just hard for me to believe that he could have our kind of connection with someone else is all. i never stopped thinking about kyle, i've always cared about him and hoped he'd be there when i got through all my immature crap... i guess i took too long.

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@akay,

First, welcome to a2k.

I do understand how you feel. But - there's always a but, no? In my opinion, love isn't all the good relationship at the beginning of spending time together. Strong 'feelings of love', feeling of connection, sometimes with good friendship are to me just a start. What I call love can develop from that - but to me it's a product of being together on a day to day basis, dealing with aggravations, problems, working out how you are together through trial and error, simply constantly dealing with this other person, sometimes with more difficulties than times of romance - it's a continuing process of growth when it works and joy from that growth, really being with that person as a life partner, as corny as that sounds, though enthusiasm for that may wax and wane from day to day with one person or the other. Love is a development, I think.

You will find another person to connect to and develop love with. It doesn't have to be this one guy who is off on his own new road.

Move on.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

thanks for replying to my post!
well i never really said i "loved" him in those words. we did share alot of time together (not necessarily physically, but especially on the phone) we would talk for hours and hours and hours. we did help each other with problems and we definitely had some arguments along the way as well... but i think we really loved each other in a friendship way because that's the only way we could love each other at that time... my whole thing is that i just wish i got the chance to explore it, because i think it would have been something really special. it just stinks to 'never know'.
and yes, i totally agree that love is a development. i'm just wondering... i know he is married and all, and i would never meddle or try to come between them... but isn't it the case sometimes that people realize a little later on that the person they married is not the person they were meant to be with? i mean, it happens every day, i'm not completely hopeless, am i????

1 Reply

@akay,

Of course his marriage may not work out. You, on the other hand, would be holding yourself at an emotional standstill ' waiting for the day' for someone who you also might not have been happy with in a marriage situation 0ver time. Really.. move on.

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@akay,

I'm going to boil this down to two harsh points...

he slept with you while involved with someone else, and did not tell you.

he did not return your calls after sleeping with you.

he's no prince.

(sorry if blunt hurts)

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

To edit myself, I shouldn't be telling you what to do. Consider it a strong suggestion.

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@Rockhead,

i see how an outside point of view can see it that way, and believe me... i know it looks pretty damn lame. i'm the first person who admits when they've been screwed over by a jerk. however, i know him too well to ever think that. i know why he did it and i understand it. do i think it's right? hell no, but he still had feelings for me, and wanted to see me. one thing led to another and something that probably shouldn't have happened did happen. i know that he didn't call me back because he thought it would be easier to just never talk to me again and do the right thing (stay with his girl). i felt that way with him many times. the only difference is that he would continue contact after i didn't call him and i didn't try to contact him again. i guess that's the difference between guys and girls! but he knew that if he did talk to me, he would have to deal with the feelings that went along with that. as much as i would like to, i don't hold it against him.

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@ossobuco,

i have moved on, i'm in a relationship with someone i love. i'm simply saying that i don't think i'll ever have that deep of a connection as i had with him and it sucks. also, i guess it kind of comforts me to think that someday this whole thing may work out...i don't mind strong suggestions Smile

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@akay,

I think that as long as you think about it as unresolved, you are right, that kind of bond will indeed be hard to find with another.

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@akay,

Ah, but you've said you want to email him, but don't have his number. I'd strongly say a 'no' on that, even if you suddenly got the number. You'll never have this kind of connection again, you say.. how old are you? eighty two? You are going to keep maturing and changing over the years, if you'd get started on that.

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@ossobuco,

Meant to add - before I leave the computer - that I agree with Rockhead's points, including about the fellow's behavior... and looking back, agree with ehBeth's too.

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@akay,

I feel that way about someone in my past , and someone in my past feels that way about me - but they're not the same person. Those feelings don't always coincide as much as we'd like to think. You have to get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. Enjoying an occasional indulgence in the pathos of the situation is a harmless, bittersweet pleasure.

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@akay,

So, find a way to contact him. What's the worse that can happen? Him telling you that he doesn't want to be friends? You don't have a friendship now. Then nothing would change and you wouldn't be left wondering.

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@akay,

This is an incredibly frustrating Original Post....

Seriously, while I feel for you in what you've missed out on...were I a guy similar to Kyle, I think I'd have done the same thing.

Quote:

we hit it off immediately like nothing i have ever experienced before (or ever again). we were attached at the hip all night and this guy at the party even said you could "visibly see our connection". .. at this time i was broken up with my on again off again boyfriend.
i couldn't stop thinking about him so a few days later... we started talking pretty often and had this ridiculous connection.

You recognised what you had...but didn’t do anything about it.

Quote:

but my ex and i were kind of getting back together and i was really confused

You chose your boyfriend, who you weren’t sure of, over Kyle...so Kyle was second best.

Quote:

, which i let kyle know. so kyle said "i would never want you to be confused for any reason on my account. i'll step down and we can stop talking for a while, i know it will work out eventually". i stupidly got back together with my ex.

Perfect gentleman really...and your actions say he was second best anyway.

Quote:

every time kyle came up to visit we would hang out... he was a gentleman and nothing ever happened, but still our connection was like nothing i could even begin to explain.

You recognised what you had...but didn’t do anything about it...relegating him to the ‘lets just be friends pile’, or ‘second best pile’

Quote:

we would talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say. when i thought about him he'd sense it and call me; when he thought about me, i'd sense it and call him.

You recognised what you had, but didn’t do anything about it...see above.

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he even used to call me his soul mate.

He was telling you...but you didn’t take the hint. Did you ever say it back to him?

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then he had to go to iraq with the military. i was devastated, but still with my boyfriend

Didn't do anything about it? What do your actions say to a guy like Kyle?

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and started seeing someone else (he was gone for two years)

Of course, not prepared to wait for him. Did you try writing to him? Or just ignore your connection and choose the quick and easy path?

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I was one of the first people he called when he got home and i was so happy to hear from him.

Hint...he thought of you the whole time. How did you react to him returning (ie. what reaction did you show him, that he could see and hold on to)?

Quote:

he always used to ask me 'if i was happy' and 'when i was going to be with him'.

He was hinting to you again, really directly. I bet you treated him as second best again...despite you being torn.

Quote:

i was torn once again but remained loyal to my boyfriend. i stopped talking to him for a little while when my boyfriend and i were getting serious.

Loyal to what exactly? By this stage you’d known for years what you had with Kyle, but you kept choosing your boyfriends over him...what does that say about your priorities to Kyle? Relegate him to second best again?

Quote:

i graduated college and before i left, kyle's friend came to talk to me. "don't lose kyle's number" he said "he really cares alot about you and you're going to want it someday. i just know it".

His friends letting you know he talks to them about you in a special way...you ignored it.

Quote:

that statement has always haunted me.

No, your lack of action haunts you.

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a year or so later i had lost touch with all of his friends, so i couldn't even get an email address or anything. i basically accepted that he was out of my life for good

Pfft...there’s usually a way to find someone if you really want to. This was just an excuse.

Quote:

i never even considered the fact that kyle may have a girlfriend by this time. unfortunately he did, but he didn't tell me at the time. we were so giddy to see each other. we ran to each other and he picked me up in a huge bear hug like in the movies.. we never skipped a beat, we cuddled and kissed ... we ended up having sex.
we talked for a while and he told me how much he always liked me and then we went to sleep. when we woke up he was so strange. very quiet and just really not himself. he gave me a kiss on the forehead and left saying he would call me the next day. he never called but knew he probably felt guilty about having a girlfriend and all...

Seriously, he wanted it to happen to remind him of what he had with you. But you never offered him what he really wanted. Now he has to make do with second best for him, because he wasn’t prepared to accept second best from you.

Quote:

i feel so much regret for not getting with this wonderful man when i had a chance...why is this happening and what can i do??? i'm so depressed...

Go about growing, and changing the reasons why you didn’t invite this man into your life...but not for him, because you will cause him great pain.

Personally, it seems you are prepared to settle for mediocrity, rather than risk excellence in your life. Probably, having your heart open to someone that much frightens you. Growing then, would mean learning to accept your fears and living life anyway, in the hope of the great joys and rewards life can bring our way. It's a hope Smile

1 Reply

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