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Tue 1 Sep, 2009 02:20 pm
I am a happily married women of 35 years to the same man.
Nine years ago my husband had prostate cancer and had radical prostatectomy. Which left him totally sexual dysfunctional.
I miss having intimacy with him.
Anyway, about 3 years ago I met this man on line on a regular chat board. He lives in Canada and is married as well, I live in the States.
There is something about him and his ways that always gets my heart racing.
About 2 months ago, we became very friendly. What started as a fling, has now become a serious committed relationship. We chat and talk on the phone, daily.
He has sent nude pictures of himself. And for some unknown reason I started to do the same. We have also done cybersex using our webcams. He turns me on. I feel the spark back into my life. He also stated that he hasn't felt like this since he was a teenager. He says really nice stuff, that he adores me, complimenting me. He wants to take things further, loves everything about me. We constantly are sharing all of our desires. He is a very kind, caring, loving individual. I think if we met years ago we would have had something special, even marriage.
This weekend my husband and I paid him and his wife a visit just as 'friends'.
During the stay he would pay extra attention to me and my needs. Touching me, patting my behind. We tried to have sex. We went at it with some hot kissing and feeling each other bodies, but was distracted by our spouses. It was amazing. Both of us wanted more.
Now, he wants to come to my area, stay in a hotel to visit me. He says he can't get enough of me. Which I believe since, he is always seeing what I am doing on line, writing e-mails, texting and calling me. He also said that he needs to talk about the future, but needs to do face to face. Rather than on line. So I agreed to meet with him when he comes. Just don't know how I can lie to my husband. I love my husband dearly. However, I have this deep feeling for this other gentleman. I think I am in love. I am at the point I am contemplating ending the marriage just to be with man.
Yet, I don't want to ruin my marriage. Guess you can say I want the best of both worlds. A husband and a lover. I am struggling with the guilt of all of this.
Hello Twinkles,
Your husband is sexually dysfunctional but certainly not paralyzed i.e. he should
be perfectly capable of satisfying your sexual needs and being intimate with
you. Have you talked to him about the void you feel?
You have been married 35 years and it is understandable that the grass seems
greener on the other side, but do remember it's fertilized with manure too!
@Twinkles,
Which left him totally sexual dysfunctional.
I miss having intimacy with him.
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Having a penis inside of you is hardly the only way to have/share sexual intimacy with your husband!
If I loss the ability to get an erection I would not be a happy camper but on the other hand it would not stop my sharing sexual intimacy with my wife.
Are you a teenager or a grown woman and wife?
@BillRM,
'She' doesn't string words together like most older people...'her' thought patterns seem to be juvenile. I'm guessing this is a complete hoax.
@vikorr,
Why should it be a hoax? Even if it is, either you answer it to the best of your
abilities or leave it alone. To discredit someone based on their writing would
eliminate half of a2k.
@CalamityJane,
I hadn't realised Cal that your standards are that low.
@spendius,
I don't understand what you're trying to convey, spendius.
Am I right to think that you actually have not had intercouse with this man?
If so, you have done everything with this man that your husband is capable of (petting, cyber sex, etc .etc)
You need to get your husband to a Dr. or sex therapist to figure out how you two can put sexual activity back into your marriage.
I fully understand your frustration, but it is a lack of communication with your own husband that is the real problem.
@Twinkles,
You and your boyfriend have messed this up......it should be about sex and having fun, but you have both involved your spouses and gotten emotionally attached.
What you should do is dump your boyfriend, and then find some other guy to ****, preferably local. This time make sure that you both are in agreement that this is about sex and fun only, that the primary relationships on both sides will not be effected.
Ideally you should ask your hubby for the freedom to do this, and he should agree. If you know that he will never go for it then cheating on him might be your best option....this being one of the rare occasions when cheating can be justified in my opinion.
However, the fact that you have gotten yourself emotionally entangled in your first attempt is cause for concern, it may me that your husband should not trust you to keep your priorities straight.
@hawkeye10,
My my Hawkye10 so it is your position that direct intercourse is the only real sex?
If blood does not build up in the her husband penis then the lady should run out and find another man?
In any case I see zero reason why the lady would need another lover then her husband unless he is unwilling to have other sexual activities with her.
His medical problems is just an excuse for her to cheat on him and little else assuming this is a for real posting.
Second note it is never a good idea to get a second party involved in a side sexual relationship as that just take away from the primary relationship in a very harmful way and people are not design to not mixed feelings with having a sexual relationship.
@BillRM,
for that matter why does she need to have another person at all, she should be able to make due with solo sex.......right?
But maybe she does not want to make due with less, and who are we to tell her that she must. She has the option of functioning hole / functioning rod sex, and I dare you to tell me that their is any other sex that measures up.
IN my mind the loss of sexual ability or willingness to participate in full sexual relationships requires that the other partner be allowed to get sex outside of the relationship. Refusal to grant this permission to the functioning mate justifies divorce.
My experience with this is having a wife recovering from childhood sexual abuse, who at times has been unable to be sexual. We partners are told to suck it up and drive on, which leads to a lot of relationships being completely non sexual. I agreed with that advice for a long time, and followed it. Now I don't.
@hawkeye10,
What part of in sickness or in health do you not understand in the marriage vows Hawkeyet10?
As far as your sad example it would seem that your wife pick a poor example of manhood for a mate, even if your penis was in working order.
Divorce would be the more honest way to go if you were not man enough to honor your vows then cheating behind your wife back however.
Next time maybe you should modify your vows to state I will love and honor you as long as you are able to put out 24/7 at my whim.
@BillRM,
Quote:What part of in sickness or in health do you not understand in the marriage vows Hawkeyet10?
I am not unsympathetic to that argument, however I have come to the conclusion that one half of the couple being sexually non functioning AND ALSO demanding sexual fidelity from the other is cruel and unusual punishment. Compassion dictates that the sexually non functioning person release the other from the sexual fidelity vows. Honesty is still required from both sides, and if the release is granted divorcing the sexually injured person is in violation of the marriage agreement. If the release is not forcoming divorce is justified on the grounds that the one impossing the suffering has violated the "Cherish" clause of the agreement.
@hawkeye10,
I should add that while I am not Catholic all of my family is, and I agree with the Church position that individuals in Marriage do not have the right to withhold sex, as sex is a celebration of God. To withhold sex is to violate Gods will, to withhold sex after it has been requested is a sin.
Thankfully my wife and I agree on this point.
@hawkeye10,
Withholding sex and not being able to be 100 percent functional sexuality at all times is not the same thing my friend!
And no your then wife had zero duty to released you from your vows if she had a medical problem that reduce her ability to hang from the ceiling fan for your enjoyment.
So you found a women to be your wife that agree if she had a medical problem that interfere with your sexual enjoyment you are free to go outside the marriage?
I can only wonder how you would feel if you get a bad back for example and as a result your wife cheerfully head for a bar to pick up a added sexual partner.
Not my idea of a marriage.
@BillRM,
Quote:I would hope that you are honest enough to make your position clear in this matter to any future mate so she can decide if she would wish to be your mate under those conditions.
23 years and counting my friend, plus she just got my name tattooed on her bikini line......I am not expecting to ever be on the market again.....
@hawkeye10,
I would not count on it as you could throw out your back or a medical condition due to aging reduce your abilities in the bedroom by your world view she could go and get that tattooed removed in short order.
Somehow I had the feeling you had a one sided view where if she could not preform that is one thing but not if you can not preform.
Not my idea of a marriage in any case.
@BillRM,
Quote:Somehow I had the feeling you had a one sided view where if she could not preform that is one thing but not if you can not preform.
we are swingers, she has had sex with more guys than I could count....
Marriage is a negotiation, and fair is fair. You must take all the attacks on me being immoral and abusive with a grain of salt, most of that is gut reaction of revulsion towards my radical sexual openness. If you pay attention to my arguments and then the responses that they get you will see that the vitriol in the responses has more to do with where my attackers are than where I am.
You have been blinded by the mob....WAKE-UP!
@hawkeye10,
we are swingers, she has had sex with more guys than I could count....
You have been blinded by the mob....WAKE-UP!
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One thousand percent not my idea of a marriage in any way or in any manner.
There is no way that I would agree to having my wife having sex with someone else and she feel the same way.
Your life style is not so must of a moral problem in my world view as if all parties are in agreement what the hell however why would you wish to cheapen such a private and loving part of life by acting like a drunk teenage sailor on short leave?
To me the sex act without the love part mixed in is just mildly enjoyable. It the pleasing/sharing with someone you love that give it any real meaning or enjoyment.
Whoa - this has gotten off track from the original post.
These two casses are NOT the same.
She has not even explored how to regain the intimacy that she misses, much less the sexual activity. And I agree that a stiff dick is not all there is to sex (heck, you can buy those. He could learn how to please her that way)
There is a larger problem here. Lack of communication. She needs to re-connect with her husband and TOGETHER they need to learn how to get back the sex in their marriage.
(This other guy is just exciting and came along at a time she was vunerable. She hasn't even bedded him yet.)
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