Relationships

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

we are swingers, she has had sex with more guys than I could count....

Marriage is a negotiation, and fair is fair. You must take all the attacks on me being immoral and abusive with a grain of salt, most of that is gut reaction of revulsion towards my radical sexual openness. If you pay attention to my arguments and then the responses that they get you will see that the vitriol in the responses has more to do with where my attackers are than where I am.

You have been blinded by the mob....WAKE-UP!

You know, I don't care if you are a swinger or not, everyone does as he/she
pleases as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

My problem with you is, that you don't respect women and you have
misogynic tendencies. You are under the impression that it is okay to
denigrate and demote women as would they be slaves, worst of all you
think they enjoy this kind of behavior. Your belief that when a woman
says No means in actually Yes is downright criminal, as is your idea of
marital rape what you call "taking what's right". You are despicable
no matter how you turn it.

0 Replies

First let me say Thank you for all your replies.

Let me start off that even though my husband is perfectly capable of satisfying my sexual needs and being intimate with me, he chooses not to.
He no longer holds my hand, hugs me, or kisses me. For 9 years now. When and if he does, it's not the same. Something is missing in the full relationship\sexual experience .

I tried several times telling my husband that he doesn't show affection to me. I also suggested to see a Dr. or Sex therapist, but he refuses.
He has tried Viagra, which didn't help.
Having sex with myself is not my idea of being fully pleasured. I like a man fondle, exploring my body.

Instead of lying to my husband I would rather tell him honestly why I need a sexual partner / lover to get sex outside of the relationship. But, I have a fear of hurting him. Not sure how he would take it.
I don't know what to say, how I should ask.

3 Replies

@Twinkles,

Twinkles,
if your husband flat out refuses to sexually satisfy you, all bets are off.
You have endured this for nine years and he must know that you won't
accept a sexless marriage without any intimacy for such a prolonged time.

Please talk to him and tell him of your needs and wants. If he's still
unwilling to cooperate then you should tell him that there is someone else
who will.

2 Replies

@CalamityJane,

well, yeah.

0 Replies

@CalamityJane,

Calamity ~
I have spoken to him.
And when that occurs that's when we have some sort of intimacy.
Which is usually when we're on vacation.
Then it fades.
I have to wait until the following year for him to show some interest in me.
Other than that, our relationship is fine. We still like doing things together. Yet, I feel our relationship is not as strong as it use to be.

On the other hand, the gentlemen that I have become involved in shows interest in me morn, noon, and nite. He told me he can't get enough of me. I believe that. When I wake up I see a love note in my inbox.
He signs on to certain sites just to see if I am there. And then pops on to chat.
Each evening, he wants to use messenger and talk for hours on end.

1 Reply

@Twinkles,

Twinkles,
the honorable thing is to talk to your husband first and tell him
that you have fallen in love with someone else. I think after 35 years of
marriage you owe it to him to be honest and straight forward.
Afterward you can pursue your relationship with the other gentleman.

1 Reply

She has not fallen in love - she has fallen in lust.

Please don't leave your husband because you want another man. (By the way, doesn't he have a wife??!! No one is talking about her at all0

You need to decide if you want to live in a marriage that has no intimacy without threatening him to pay attention to you. Perhaps he does not know how serious you are. You need to tell your husband that your marriage is intolerable and you have needs.

Don't tell him about the other guy. That relationshhip is built on sand, ALSO.

You need to stop thinking with your clitoris.

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

Quote:

Why should it be a hoax?

That was already answered in the post you replied to. Why do you pretend it wasn't?

Quote:

Even if it is, either you answer it to the best of your abilities or leave it alone.

We obviously disagree on that 'value'.

Quote:

To discredit someone based on their writing would eliminate half of a2k.

We disagree on the intention of this sentence too.

The OP seems illegit to me. Still does.

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@CalamityJane,

Quote:

Twinkles,
the honorable thing is to talk to your husband first and tell him
that you have fallen in love with someone else. I think after 35 years of
marriage you owe it to him to be honest and straight forward.
Afterward you can pursue your relationship with the other gentleman.

I would ponder the matter a bit more if I was you Twinkles.

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@Twinkles,

Quote:

I don't know what to say, how I should ask.

How about tell?? As in "I love you, I want to be with you forever, but this no sex thing does not work for me....it needs to change" After that either asks for his ideas or else give him yours, that you be allowed to go outside of the marriage for sex.

1 Reply

@sullyfish6,

Quote:

You need to stop thinking with your clitoris.

I would be concerned about the health of any woman who did NOT think with her clit after years of a completely sexless marriage and with none on the side. YOu try to go even just one year in a marriage without ANY sexual intimacy and then report make to us what it does to you.....hell, even six months.

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@hawkeye10,

You make it sound so simple.

If he had an open-mind like yours, it would be easy.

1 Reply

@Twinkles,

Twinkles wrote:

First let me say Thank you for all your replies.

Let me start off that even though my husband is perfectly capable of satisfying my sexual needs and being intimate with me, he chooses not to.
He no longer holds my hand, hugs me, or kisses me. For 9 years now.

That is enough of an explination.
It wont hurt him because he feels it too. He is human as well.

Quite simply put, if you DONT think with your clitoris, you will forever spend your life in a sexless marriage having to betray him and yourself by seeking sex outside of the marriage.

Marriage does not have to involve your entire life. Especially when it is fulfilling. You marry someone to be your partner AND your sex partner. If it is not working and something is lost for that long...... really.. I mean?

I do understand. i do i do i do.
But there comes a point when you just have to SAY so and move on. That is the hardest part but the sooner you start it , the sooner you can move away from a marriage that does not give you what you need.

0 Replies

@Twinkles,

Quote:

You make it sound so simple.

If he had an open-mind like yours, it would be easy.

it could be easy, though it sounds like in your case it is not. In life we all have to play that cards that we have, not the ones that others have or that we wish that we had.

Another thing, I did not get to where I am by magic, there was a lot of pain/failure/miss-step between who I am now and who I was as a youth. I have lived most of my life as the mate of one damaged by childhood sexual abuse, and while I would not wish that on anyone I would not be who I am today without having traveled that difficult road. You can not reasonably expect a man who has had a reasonably normal life to be able to adjust to major relationship trauma (loss of sexual function) as well as I could.

I have a take on your situation that has not been mentioned yet. I suspect that hubby can not be sexual with you because every effort to do so would reinforce what he can no longer do. It hurts him to be confronted with the reality that he can no longer give you what you should have, and so he does everything possible to keep from being reminded. This means being completely nonsexual. He is in pain, trying to avoid pain.

But here is the thing: we only heal and change when the pain of not healing or changing overruns the pain of healing and change. Your husband is going to be in pain no matter what you do, but you still must do what you need to do for yourself, and in doing so he may decide to either learn to be sexual with you or cut you lose so that you can find somebody else or else find sex outside of the marriage. You not wanting to cause him pain is admirable, but misguided. You are enabling him to avoid the problem, you are facilitating your own suffering, and his.

2 Replies

@hawkeye10,

Quote:

I would be concerned about the health of any woman who did NOT think with her clit after years of a completely sexless marriage and with none on the side. YOu try to go even just one year in a marriage without ANY sexual intimacy and then report make to us what it does to you.....hell, even six months.

Hawkeye, have you ever talked to any woman about this sort of thing? Because I know of at least one who thought she had simply lost her sex drive...which wasn't the case. I'm sure that goes for many more.

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@hawkeye10,

I too was damaged by childhood sexual abuse, mentally, and physically.
So I know where you're coming from.

You hit the head on the nail, saying that it hurts him terribly.
He is frustrated that he can not preform in the bedroom.
He rather avoid the disappointment than confront it.
Yet, there are times he says he wants to satisfy me.

We have great memories of what use to be.
We had a very active sex life together.
And in a split of a second, our sex life changed
Now, there will always be pain and hardship.
As long as we both have sexual minds, capable of thinking of such acts.

The gentleman that I have become involved with has a boring, dull sex life with his wife. She only wants it a certain way. He doesn't find pleasure. We have chatted on this and he longs to make love to me because I have an open-mind.
He also expressed that he wishes we were caught so we could go on with our lives together. He tells me that he loves me and that we have something very special. He is afraid I'll break his heart if I decide to end our relationship.

What a difficult situation this is.
Never in my wildest dream did I have think this would happen to me!

1 Reply

@Twinkles,

Quote:

The gentleman that I have become involved with has a boring, dull sex life with his wife. She only wants it a certain way. He doesn't find pleasure. We have chatted on this and he longs to make love to me because I have an open-mind.

Interesting. I know that for my wife as well as many that we meet in the BDSM lifestyle abuse is a factor. For many after being sexual so early and learning so early the power of sex, and well as often learning of kinky sex early, a normal lay bores them to tears. It is almost a why bother. When you know what sex can do and find that you are not doing any of the good stuff with your mate there are only two options, go through the motions and pretend that you like it, or else seek out good sex. If your mate is not up for good sex that means that you go outside of the primary relationship.

I am not in favor of cheating in almost all cases, however it may be right for you. If you can keep your sex life in perspective, if you are able to separate sex and love, and if you can keep your sex mates in proper relationship to the love of your life.

I wish that I had a book to direct you to, but I don't. The subject of abuse survivors needing sex outside of their primary relationships is almost always (like 98% of the time) considered by the pros to be a symptom of the abuse, one that must be rubbed out. You are supposed to learn to deal with what you have, and if you can't then you must try harder.....is the line that must never be contradicted. I don't buy this malarkey anymore, but you will be hard pressed to find an alternative view. You are mostly on your own to do what you think is best. Listen to yourself, and if you make a mistake be quick to change direction.

I am sure that there is a lot more to you than being a survivor of sexual abuse, however I bet that your sexual history is intimately related to why you are not willing to walk away from sex for the rest of your life, as well as why you are on the doorstep of sexual exploration.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Clarification: Cheating to me means having sex outside of the marriage without the knowledge and/or consent of your mate. My wife has sex with a lot of guys, and I know and consent to all of it, but if I chose not to know but still consented then she would not be cheating on me. Basically, cheating is short circuiting or avoiding the negotiation.

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