10
   

How do you handle this?

 
 
Joeblow
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 12:51 pm
@Gala,
Bob: “Do you want to go out some time?”

Gala: “I don’t think so Bob, but thanks.”

Bob: “Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

Gala: “Thanks Bob! Have you seen these green beans?

Or:

“Thank-you, but no.”

(Shake head a little making direct eye contact. Small but determined smile.)

If he persists, be straight:

“No pheromones.’ (Shrug shoulders, put up hands in a *what can we do? * manner).

~~~~~~~~

I’m not sure how you back out now that you’ve made plans. I’d probably chalk it up to experience, go, and be determined to have a fun time. Cut it short if it becomes too awkward. If you just can’t bear to do it, cancel as soon as possible.


Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 01:54 pm
@Linkat,
That's what it boils down to-- no chemistry.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 01:57 pm
@Joeblow,
Joeblow-- I already backed out, and I feel way better about it. Thanks for posting. It'd be one thing if the guy was married, because then I could just use the excuse "I can't go out with you, you're married." I find bringing up the whole pheremone thing to be too much. The only time it works is if you're attracted to them.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 01:58 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

I agree - this would be giving the guy false hope. If you don't like like the guy - aka chemistry, then you don't - it really doesn't have to do with boring and stuff like that - just one of those fluttery type feelings vs. nice guy, but does nothing for me sort of thing.


I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this "chemistry" thing.

I had a job at one time where I got to meet a lot of people, and went out on a few dates with 3 or 4 different men I met through my job. To be honest, none of them tried any funny stuff, or at least not much. One guy who lasted just one date tried to get smootchy wootchy with me, but without the chemistry, it was like kissing my computer monitor....or your brother. Either felt nothing, or it felt a little weird.

One guy I did get involved with for awhile. 99% of it was because I was bored. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way.


0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 02:49 pm
I was going out with a guy a few years ago only because I really wanted a boyfriend at the time. It's amazing how you can talk yourself into "this can work" thing. Dumb. It lasted 4 months. I won't do that again.

ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 03:07 pm
@Gala,
Quote:
I was going out with a guy a few years ago only because I really wanted a boyfriend at the time. It's amazing how you can talk yourself into "this can work" thing. Dumb. It lasted 4 months. I won't do that again.


It seems to me there is a big difference between avoiding spending one evening ... and going out with the wrong guy for 4 months.

Maybe the smart course of action is somewhere in the middle.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 04:01 pm
@Gala,
Glad you resolved the problem to your satisfaction.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2009 06:32 am
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

I mean, I wouldn't want you to lose face.


Gala
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2009 07:25 am
@ebrown p,
Ah. but I'm older now. My instincts have taught me to heed to feelings of dread. The 4 month thing was just denial, and a learning experience.

0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2009 07:27 am
@chai2,
No picture displayed.
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2009 09:39 pm
Answers to questions like this are usually quite obvious. Think of this in reverse. If it was you asking, and the person wasn't interested, how would you want them to communicate that?

T
K
O
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 07:40 am
@Diest TKO,
I don't agree-- if I call someone on the phone and want to make plans and they decline in a backwards indirect way then I wouldn't pursue it. I've definitely gotten signals from people in this way. In many ways, this behaviour is way clearer than being direct.
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 07:50 am
@Gala,
Sorry Gala. Having been on both sides of this interaction, I disagree strongly.

I far prefer when people are honest and direct with me. This way I can move on and I don't have to wonder.

When people are indirect with me, I feel completely disrespected. If you care about my feelings, you will be honest with me with no drama.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 07:53 am
@ebrown p,
gotcha. with you, i will always be direct.
0 Replies
 
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 08:51 am
@Gala,
Gala wrote:

I don't agree-- if I call someone on the phone and want to make plans and they decline in a backwards indirect way then I wouldn't pursue it. I've definitely gotten signals from people in this way. In many ways, this behaviour is way clearer than being direct.


Erg...

I think that SOME people would correctly interpret this, but the fact that interpretation is involved is what allows for errors in communication.

T
K
O
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 09:19 am
@Diest TKO,
you're right--my approach is the long and more difficult way to go.

i need to clarify the last part of the statement-- it's not that being indirect is is clearer, it's softer landing. if i know a person well, that's the only time i want them to be direct, in the scenario that's been spelled out in this post, i don't know the guy well at all...
0 Replies
 
 

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