10
   

How do you handle this?

 
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:32 pm
@engineer,
no, i'm using the excuse of money. it's a beaut and it's a backdoor way of asserting my independence. i like him, he's a nice guy, he's even a mensch, i just can't take it.
0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:37 pm
@sullyfish6,
of course i heard that ridiculous thing about the frogs... but it doesn't work for everyone. i have never been a desperate woman when it comes to men, if there's chemistry then i go out with them and sometimes we become a couple and sometimes not.

experience has taught me to not go out with someone if i am not attracted to them-- it gets too weird and dumb.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 04:00 pm
@Gala,
OK, then sounds like the "pre-existing friendship" thing doesn't fully apply, in that you're not trying to preserve the friendship while simultaneously letting him know that you're not romantically interested. If he's boring, he's boring. Cut ties.

This would be easier/ cleaner if you hadn't accepted the card -- a future reference thing, I guess.

What was the jump from the card to dating? Have you actually gone out with him? Where do things stand/ what do you want to happen next? I don't really have a clear picture of that yet. (Like, is he asking you out on dates and you keep demurring and he's not getting the picture?)

edit: I re-read -- it sounds like you've made plans to go on a date but it hasn't actually happened yet, and you dread the date? In that case, (unless you fear for your safety), I'd say go, and then when he asks for a follow-up say no. Without excuses, just no. (Unless, of course, you go on the date and surprise yourself by enjoying it...)
Froth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 06:00 pm
@Gala,
You seem to be answering your own question. Just say 'no thank you'.
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 06:12 pm
I guess young people can have this attitude.

As you get older you start appreciating things like intelligence, experience and manners.

When you're young, you only want him to be "hot"

You'll learn.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 06:25 pm
@Gala,
You just say you're not really into dating right now. You're pining over someone. Your heart is still broken, shattered even. You wish you could get on with your life but it's so damn hard. Each day is a struggle and you don't know how you're going to get through it. It's hard to get to sleep at night, you're so distraught. You've often thought of drowning your sorrows in booze, you're so upset, but you hate the taste, so you suffer soberly and in silence. You tell him you can't even look at another man because he reminds you of 'him' and it starts you crying, and once you start crying, you can't stop.

I think you get the picture.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 06:52 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:

Mame wrote:

Nice of you to give her a hand, Dys.


I thought his advice was dis-arming.


You haven't got a leg to stand on, chai.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 07:12 pm
@Mame,
But that's okay, I've got your back. Do you have the stomach to continue?
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 07:18 pm
@Mame,
I mean, I wouldn't want you to lose face.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 06:35 am
@chai2,
Well, I certainly can hear what you're saying about Jim and the awkwardness of it all. It does come down to chemistry.

In my experience, and it's taken a while to learn this, if a guy asks to get together, whether it be a movie, coffee, dinner, etc, they're usually hoping for some action. In the past, I've accepted the invitation with the mistaken assumption that this could be a pleasant outing, only to find out they want something more.

I don't find this to be flattering if there is no chemistry.
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 06:54 am
@Gala,
You don't seem to have much respect for men Gala. That might be part of the issue here. Men are people too. We are idividuals-- each of us has our own ideas and opinions (saying that we all just want "some action" is quite offensive).

Now this might be a big surprise to you, but as humans we can communicate. If you are honest and open with us, we will generally respond in kind and there can be a conversation leading to a friendship.

There is no need for all this drama. If you tell this fellow human being your reason for being uncomfortable there would be a quick discussion where you could agree on an outing (and a level of friendship) that would be enjoyable to you both.

Then again-- if you accept the fact that men are human beings, you could just say a simple "no thank you". There might be a little conversation (this is a human trait), but again, if you are respectful and straightforward, there is no need for drama.

If you keep in your mind that men just want "some action", then it is you who are forcing yourself to choose between an intimate sexual relationship or no relationship at all. I understand the uncomfortability inherent in this type of choice-- but it is not men's fault.

If you learn to respect men as fellow human beings, this awkwardness will go away.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 06:57 am
@sozobe,
Thanks for your thoughtful post.

The gift card from the health club was a freebie from the club-- a way for them to potentially boost membership by offering a trial period. Although it cost him nothing, he was considerate and gave it to me. At the time, it did not register with me what he was doing.

What I liked about working at the Farmer's Market: it gave me a chance to be really social, to be around tons of people for an intense 4 hours selling this produce, moving from customer to customer, each interaction lasted no more than a few minutes.

In those interactions each one had its own sort of fast-paced jovial character. This goes for the "Bob", he'd always show up about 10 minutes before the Market closed, buy a bag of green beans or such, the money and pleasantries would be exchanged, and then poof-- he'd be gone. Just like all the others.

What he's seen of in me is the high energy. He's never witnessed my temper, my moodiness, he thinks I'm this cheery person who excersises a lot and is super friendly. So the level of my acquaintance with him is based upon this one facet, which I am comfortable with as long as it stays superficial.

One more note-- I love to travel for the very reasons I've stated: I get to meet a ton of people in short spurts and eveything is in the moment with no expectations of a future.

I have never gone out with him. I know what you're saying about going and being pleasantly surprised, but I have to tell you, I have gone out in the past with men with this objective in mind and it doesn't work for me.

0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 07:00 am
@sozobe,
Thanks for your thoughtful post.

What I liked about working at the Farmer's Market: it gave me a chance to be really social, to be around tons of people for an intense 4 hours selling this produce, moving from customer to customer, each interaction lasted no more than a few minutes.

In those interactions each one had its own sort of fast-paced jovial character. This goes for the "Bob", he'd always show up about 10 minutes before the Market closed, buy a bag of green beans or such, the money and pleasantries would be exchanged, and then poof-- he'd be gone. Just like all the others.

What he's seen of in me is the high energy. He's never witnessed my temper, my moodiness, he thinks I'm this cheery person who excersises a lot and is super friendly. So the level of my acquaintance with him is based upon this one facet, which I am comfortable with as long as it stays superficial.

This is why I love to travel: I get to meet a ton of people in short spurts and eveything is in the moment with no expectations of a future.

I have never gone out with him. I know what you're saying about going and being pleasantly surprised, but I have to tell you, I have gone out in the past with men with this objective in mind and it doesn't work for me.

As for the card-- it was a freebie from the club. he was considerate and thought of me knowing about my swimming habit. I had no idea he wanted more...if I had, I would have declined it.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 07:14 am
@Gala,
Thanks for the further info. My point is not really that you'll be pleasantly surprised -- from what you've said, I doubt that too. My point is that IF you've already made plans with him,* I think you missed the window for turning him down. Unless the stakes are really high -- like if you're worried about your safety -- if you've made plans, carry out the plans. Then go from there. It's just fine to turn down the second date if the first was not enjoyable for you.

* Still not sure about this, sorry if you've said and I missed it. DO you have plans with him?
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 07:14 am
@ebrown p,
don't be offended ebrown. it's way more complicated than meeting someone who can communicate-- it's about chemistry. but i understand why you would think i'm being high drama about this, which is fine.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 07:40 am
@Gala,
You may be reading more into the health club card than was actually intended. The card was probably just the off-hand gift you assumed it to be unless he suggested you meet there or something to that effect.

If you don't want to go out, just say no politely and be done with it. If you wouldn't mind going out, but not really on a date, set the expectations early and go for the conversation. You can say something like "I'm not really looking to date right now, but if you want to go out for coffee after work, I'm game for caffine and conversation." My guess is he'd go for that as a foot in the door chance. If that doesn't work, count the frog as kissed and move on.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 08:43 am
@sozobe,
I did make plans with him, but I called him last night and cancelled-- because I have to pay some unexpected bills and don't want to spend money going out at the moment. I refuse to let him pay. It's weak of me to not be up front, but sometimes the soft landing is better.

Thanks for taking an active role in this, you've gone above and beyond.

0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 08:48 am
@engineer,
I didn't think the health club card meant much. I give stuff to people all the time. Anyway, it's been solved-- no chemistry-- I didn't put my foot down soon enough, now I have, albeit not the most direct way, but it's done with. So thanks for your input.

One thing I have to say about setting limits/expectations as you've described-- I am all for drawing boundary lines. However, in my spare time, my absolute own personal time, I don't want to have to do that much work.
0 Replies
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 09:01 am
@sullyfish6,
I am so not young. I'm not old either. I don't need hot, I need chemistry.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2009 09:14 am
@chai2,
I agree - this would be giving the guy false hope. If you don't like like the guy - aka chemistry, then you don't - it really doesn't have to do with boring and stuff like that - just one of those fluttery type feelings vs. nice guy, but does nothing for me sort of thing.
 

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