10
   

How do you handle this?

 
 
Gala
 
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 07:30 am
What do you do when someone asks you out and you just are not interested in them? I find it so hard to be up front in a situation like this, especially when they're decent, and they're greatest crime is being a bore.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 10 • Views: 2,858 • Replies: 55
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 07:59 am
@Gala,
Straightforward (but not brutal) seems best. You don't owe anyone an explanation, really. If you're not interested, you're not interested, and the guy should accept that and move on.

If it's a pre-existing friendship, that's harder.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 08:07 am
@Gala,
I used to thank them first - I mean it is a complement to you and that is the way I always took it. Along the lines, like - thank you, and then say I am not interested in you in that way. Keep it short and to the point so to minimize embarassment and uncomfortableness for both of you.
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 08:09 am
@sozobe,
In light of sozobe - it is difficult if it is pre-existing friendship. I had one good friend who did this to me - it was hard, but I told him, I really like you and value our friendship, I honestly don't feel that way for you.

I'm not saying it is easy, but to be straightforward, but kind is easier for the both you in the long run.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 08:30 am
@sozobe,
I agree, up front. It is a pre-existing friendship and I've never been too good at deciphering what their intentions are. In other words, I suspect, but don't want to assume he is interested in a romance. Does that make sense?

This guy kind of snuck up behind me and caught me off guard.

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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 08:36 am
@Linkat,
So true. I have told him in the past I work a part-time job as well as a full-time job and in my free time I like to make no plans. He didn't get it.

I made plans with him and began to regret it later. I do have an excuse-- money. I have some outstanding debts that need to be paid and I don't want to spend money going out to eat. If he offers to pay, that's a big NO from me. That's when I tell him I'm not comfortable with that.

sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 08:37 am
@Gala,
Do you enjoy spending time with him as a friend? (I don't consider many of my friends "boring" Wink)
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 09:39 am
Tell him you're not interested in dating anyone right now or that you're seeing someone.
dyslexia
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 09:42 am
@Mame,
tell him you have leprosy and your interest in dating has fallen off.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 09:50 am
@dyslexia,
Nice of you to give her a hand, Dys.
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 10:09 am
First, how would you want to be treated if the roles were reversed? If someone I ask out doesn't want to spend time with me-- I would prefer they be direct and honest with no drama. I can get over a "no" quickly... if it is a clear, easy to understand "no". Just say a simple "no" with no drama.

Second, what the heck! What's wrong with just spending an evening with this person? Life is for living, and going on a date doesn't hurt. Am I the only one who finds it a bit funny that you don't want to go out with him because you say that he is boring? Money is a silly excuse, there are lots of interesting things that non-boring people can find that cost little or no money.

Say a simple direct "No" if you must.... but why not live life a little.

chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 10:23 am
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

Nice of you to give her a hand, Dys.


I thought his advice was dis-arming.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 11:31 am
@Gala,
Gala wrote:

I do have an excuse-- money. I have some outstanding debts that need to be paid and I don't want to spend money going out to eat. If he offers to pay, that's a big NO from me. That's when I tell him I'm not comfortable with that.

DON'T MAKE AN EXCUSE. Just say you are not interested. The excuse will come back to bite you if the guy can't take a hint.
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 12:00 pm
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12766498@N03/3222945504
0 Replies
 
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 12:01 pm
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3098/3222945504_da60770b60.jpg
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 02:26 pm
@ebrown p,
Geez - the guy asked you out - not to marry him.

Didn't your mama ever tell you that you are ging to have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

Agree to meet him somewhere you choose - dutch treat - and just keep it casual.


chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:06 pm
@sullyfish6,
I dunno sullyfish. I think you have to have some sort of chemistry going on before going on a date.

I'm with the others that say don't make excuses, just tell him you're not interested in dating right now.

Back in high school, I had a guy friend, Bob. We were always going to the movies, out to eat etc. Just as friends.
A couple of times a friend of his, Jim came along with us.
While we were all together somewhere, Jim asked me if I wanted to go to a movie that weekend. I said sure. Bob had to clue me in later that Jim had asked me on a date.

No way! I just thought we were going to the movies, like Bob and I always did.

I didn't know how to get out of it, and for me it was an extremely ackward evening. Ever after that whenever I saw Jim I felt ackward.

If you're not interested, you're not interested.

I guess I take a date more seriously than other people do.
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:19 pm
@sozobe,
I've never really hung out with him. I know him because he used to buy vegetables from the organic stand where I used to work. He'd buy stuff and we'd chat, etc.

but I consider him to be a friend because he once gave me a card that allowed me 12 passes to his fancy sports club (the club supplied them as a promo). I wanted to join this club but it was too expensive and it was so close to where I lived. This gave me a convenient, albeit brief and temporary alternative to the place I usually swam. It was considerate thing for him to do. Little did I know...
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:29 pm
@ebrown p,
I don't agree with you about spending an evening in this fashion-- although I totally understand your point of view. Trust me, ebrown, I have gone out with men for that very reason. Because it was "something to do." Unfortunately, that backfires on me-- and I dread it. If I knew he was just a pla, it would be fine, but I do not want to be in the midst of all the weird crap like the end of the night, his picking me up. Feh!
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2009 03:30 pm
@Mame,
eeesh, this is what i mean when i say he snuck up on me. i can't do that, because too much time has passed with me never having mentioned a boyfrind. trust me, had my instinct kicked in early about this, i would've, because it saves everyone the fuss. i'll learn.
 

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