Workplace Courtesy

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

The guy is a jerk, he's not on your team, so what do you care?

TKO said:

Quote:

He is amongst 4 people who also ultimately decide how raises turn out.

That's why it's probably not worth it (if he care enough about the job, and raises).

Don't get me wrong, a good revenge prank is what I'd love to do and I got out of the corporate rat race just so I don't have to suck up to others to make a living but it isn't a great career move if you aren't ready to let the job go.

0 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

**** all this 'passive response, do nothing' noise. The guy is a jerk, he's not on your team, so what do you care?

Glue his stapler, tape and various other items to the desk, and next time you see him, give him a casual salute and a little wink.

Cycloptichorn

Revenge (synonym vengeance) is a harmful action against a person or group as a response to a (real or perceived) grievance. Revenge is what children do. Mature adults should be above this nonsense.

Besides, didn't you notice that this person has rank and some power of authority as it pertains to raises etc?

1 Reply

@Intrepid,

Intrepid wrote:

Cycloptichorn wrote:

**** all this 'passive response, do nothing' noise. The guy is a jerk, he's not on your team, so what do you care?

Glue his stapler, tape and various other items to the desk, and next time you see him, give him a casual salute and a little wink.

Cycloptichorn

Revenge (synonym vengeance) is a harmful action against a person or group as a response to a (real or perceived) grievance. Revenge is what children do. Mature adults should be above this nonsense.

Besides, didn't you notice that this person has rank and some power of authority as it pertains to raises etc?

Well, I accept that is your opinion, re: revenge. I have found it to be quite satisfying in the past. You are welcome to think whatever you like about my level of maturity.

Well-plotted revenge leaves very little traces, so the fact that this gentleman sits on a review committee is immaterial.

I don't condone letting assholes get away with bad behavior, just b/c you are too afraid of what might happen by confronting them about it or doing something about it. It's a poor way to go through life, and I highly doubt that anyone lies on their deathbed saying, 'Geez, I wish I hadn't stood up for myself so many times.'

Cycloptichorn

4 Replies

Diest, you can't change people - a jerk is a jerk is a jerk.

If you want to resolve the issue however, you could approach him and tell
him that you over reacted the other day concerning your mug as it happened
to be a special mug given to you by someone dear to you. In other words
be apologetic towards your reaction and see how he responds. My guess is
that he'll react apologetic too. He is one of these types who needs to save
his face no matter what.

Since he's part responsible for your financial welfare within the company,
it wouldn't hurt you to give him a way out and be gracious towards him.
Knowing that he is a jerk should be satisfaction enough!

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

You know...sometimes these passive aggressive types misunderstand a peaceful overture as a form of groveling. I think it's best to let him hoist himself by his own petard. Somewhere down the line...it's gonna happen.

1 Reply

@panzade,

Agreed panzade, but this guy is part of the team who evaluates and promotes
pay increases. Sometimes it's better to be diplomatic and bite your tongue.
Giving the guy a way out to save his face, makes Diest the bigger person who
is more secure with himself - me thinks! Very Happy

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

You've got a good point...if it were two women...but the dynamics with two guys...well, it's just different

Quote:

Sometimes it's better to be diplomatic and bite your tongue.

Right....what I said Very Happy

2 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

I don't condone letting assholes get away with bad behavior, just b/c you are too afraid of what might happen by confronting them about it or doing something about it. It's a poor way to go through life, and I highly doubt that anyone lies on their deathbed saying, 'Geez, I wish I hadn't stood up for myself so many times.'

Cycloptichorn

I agree with that as far as being afraid of someone. However, me personally, would look at it as this person not being worth my time.

ok, kinda off subject (ok, really off subject) your comment about being on your deathbed and thinking "I wish I had...." reminds me of something I thought of while driving home the other day. I think I may have even said this already on another thread.

I was driving home, and for no apparant reason a person I hadn't thought of in decades popped into my head. I remembered how something about the way this person behaved caused me to alter my behavior in some way...to a way that really wasn't true to me. I got a chuckle out of remembering that person, and I thought "Why did I let that persons demeanor change my actions? She had absolutely no influence on my life" Well, actually, this was someone who influenced any pay raises I got at the time, but....WTF, that was over 20 years ago, like that made any difference to me now.

Anyway, I had that flash of insight at that moment how unimportant it is to please most people by avoiding behavior that would displease them. In the big picture, they don't effect your life at all....then I immediately thought "Damn, if I had realized that back then, I would have had a lot more sex with a lot more guys"

jeez, I could have been a real slut and had a great time, and no one I associate with today would even know, or care.

anyway, that's why I advocate just blowing the guy off.
It means nothing.

0 Replies

@panzade,

panzade wrote:

You've got a good point...if it were two women...but the dynamics with two guys...well, it's just different

If he gets away with this, he'll likely just escalate his behavior next time. Might be with TKO, might be with someone else.

That's why I say a low-key bug in the ear of the right person can help. Doesn't need to be whiney or defensive.

0 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

Well-plotted revenge leaves very little traces, so the fact that this gentleman sits on a review committee is immaterial.

What's the point of revenge if they don't know you did it? Losing a mug, and thinking it just disappeared isn't going to phase most folk.

Losing a mug, and finding it in little pieces all over your desk however....

1 Reply

@panzade,

panzade wrote:

You've got a good point...if it were two women...but the dynamics with two guys...well, it's just different

I dunno, I think what she said would work very well with guys too. It doesn't have to be grovelling, it can just be a "that was much ado about nothing by the way" kind of a thing, and can be very useful in de-escalating the situation.

If the guy is gunning for a fight it can often put them in an awkward and uncomfortable position when you refuse to play foil to them. I've seen many guys turn sheepish when dealt with in that way.

1 Reply

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

**** all this 'passive response, do nothing' noise. The guy is a jerk, he's not on your team, so what do you care?

Diest is an adult, trying to work out an adult solution. Being a jerk in response to a jerk rarely helps a career.

And it's not about doing nothing - it's about working out an adult response to a jerky kid behaviour. If Diest had another job lined up - in another industry - in another community - he might be able to go jerk/kid to jerk/kid.

As much as you apparently don't want to die wishing you'd taken advantage of every opportunity to be a jerk, it's not a tremendous life plan.

1 Reply

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

Well-plotted revenge leaves very little traces, so the fact that this gentleman sits on a review committee is immaterial.

the little ceiling cameras in every office I've worked in for the past 15 - 20 years (I LOVE working in the financial sector) means there are always traces. And the guy has likely already put the word out about Diest and his mug - people will tell the guy if Diest does anything. Offices can be lovely that way.

The working world's different than life on campus.

0 Replies

@Robert Gentel,

Quote:

It doesn't have to be grovelling,

I didn't say Diest was gonna grovel..I said dick-weeds like that would misconstrue Di's earnest and conciliatory effort to get along

1 Reply

@Robert Gentel,

Robert Gentel wrote:

Cycloptichorn wrote:
Well-plotted revenge leaves very little traces, so the fact that this gentleman sits on a review committee is immaterial.

What's the point of revenge if they don't know you did it? Losing a mug, and thinking it just disappeared isn't going to phase most folk.

Losing a mug, and finding it in little pieces all over your desk however....

Haha, that is better.

Cycloptichorn

0 Replies

First, thanks for all the replies. I see there is a bit of diversity on opinion for this matter.

On the topic of revenge. Absolutely not. I don't entertain the thought. Even cheeky antics designed to provoke or annoy would be easily considered workplace retaliation, and I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction.

The mug is gone. There is no getting it back. I'm not interested in him buying me a new one or anything. I'll gladly purchase a new one. I have a good sense of humor, so I'll get a fun one from http://www.thinkgeek.com or similar.

As for moving forward, I'm still concerned here. I perhaps didn't emphasize this enough earlier, but now I have a trust issue here. I should elaborate. The four team leads meet and do what we call "rack and stack." This is a process in which all the team members are sorted from highest contributor to lowest contributor. Teams 1 and 2 have a lot of interface, we give turnover to each other every day we work. Teams 3 and 4 are the same. I'm on team 2 and this is the Team Lead for Team 3. My fear here is that he will attempt to hurt my score, to put me in my place. This assertion of power whether well founded or not, I think should be addressed. In other words, I shouldn't have to feel like that at work.

The reason, I would pursue a mediated meeting is that on a matter such as this which is unrelated to work but rather the workplace, I need to feel like my grievances are heard. A mediated meeting would place us on even ground.

Gotta get ready for work. I'll add more when I get some free time. (I hate unfinished posts...)

T
K
O

3 Replies

@Diest TKO,

Maybe you should go that route. Don't take that as advice, because good jobs can be hard to fine. Remember, though, he didn't throw your mug away. He threw your mug away, and told you so by email. That's so hostile, it sounds like the opening shot in a major campaign.

Someone (Intrepid?) suggested there was probably some history, here. If you're not aware of what it is, you should be trying to find out. Not that doing the job shouldn't be enough, but you probably need to know what is going on.

0 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

Cycloptichorn wrote:

Quote:

Well, I accept that is your opinion, re: revenge. I have found it to be quite satisfying in the past. You are welcome to think whatever you like about my level of maturity.

Thank you. As for the level of maturity. I was not pointing specifically at you. Only at the need for revenge in anybody.

Quote:

Well-plotted revenge leaves very little traces, so the fact that this gentleman sits on a review committee is immaterial.

Revenge with no trace seems to be of very little value. Especially to the one whose intention it is to wreak revenge for the satisfaction of getting back at someone.

Quote:

I don't condone letting assholes get away with bad behavior, just b/c you are too afraid of what might happen by confronting them about it or doing something about it. It's a poor way to go through life, and I highly doubt that anyone lies on their deathbed saying, 'Geez, I wish I hadn't stood up for myself so many times.'

It takes a big man to let assholes get away with bad behaviour. Fear has nothing to do with it. I accept your opinion that it may be a poor way to go through life, but to me it is an utter waste of time and only demeans the person who feels compelled to get even for every little thing. I guess, again, it goes back to a certain maturity within one's self. It is sad to think that someone would waste their death bed thoughts on such trivial things.

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@Diest TKO,

finding it damned hard to comprehend how a jerk like that has managed to rise in the ranks to be "amongst 4 people who also ultimately decide how raises turn out."

if i were in your shoes, i'd be seriously (but silently) questioning management's judgement, and starting to look for another gig...

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@panzade,

panzade wrote:

I didn't say Diest was gonna grovel..I said dick-weeds like that would misconstrue Di's earnest and conciliatory effort to get along

I understood, I just don't think that is the case most of the time. Even jerks tend to have a hard time being a jerk when someone else refuses to play their foil.

Nothing takes the wind out of a bully's sails than not giving them the reaction they are expecting (e.g. aggression or timidity). Being firm but non-aggressive is something they are ill equipped to deal with.

And if the guy's going to be aggressive no matter what TKO does, then he's in the same boat anyway.

0 Replies

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