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please give me some suggestion of my writing

 
 
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 08:09 am
Hi, guys. I wrote about a hotel that I have stayed in. I'll talk to my classmates about it in an English class. I'd like to know whether you can understand it and if so, please give me some advice on it. Thanks a lot.

The En-Ze-Tang Hotel is situated in Tongli, Jiangsu. Tongli is one of six most ancient towns on the south-east China, and it is renowned for its bridges and streams. The streams run across the whole town, while the houses lie on both sides of the stream. So the En-Ze-Tang Hotel is time-honored, as well.
I stayed there in July this year when I was travelling in Tongli with my boyfriend.
We went there to celebrate our second anniversary. We looked for information on the Internet about which hotel was better for us to stay while we were travelling Tongli. Thus, we found that the En-Ze-Tang Hotel raised a lot of praise and the price ratio of it was pretty good. So we booked it on the Internet.
I liked the hotel for its antique beauty. You know, I live in Shanghai so I rarely saw time-honored stuffs. The door the hotel was built 100 hundred year ago, and there was still two stone lions in front of it. In my room, all the furniture was made of wood and in carmine color. The bed was the most different furniture, as it copied the bed in the 19th century of China.
 
Robert Gentel
 
  3  
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 08:46 am
@jinmin1988,
Pretty good. Here are some edits.

jinmin1988 wrote:
The En-Ze-Tang Hotel is situated in Tongli, Jiangsu. Tongli is one of the six most ancient towns on the in south-east China, and it is renowned for its bridges and streams. The streams run across the whole town, while the houses lie on both sides of the stream. So the En-Ze-Tang Hotel is time-honored, as well.
I stayed there in July this year this July when I was travelling in Tongli with my boyfriend.
We went there to celebrate our second anniversary. We looked for information on the Internet about which hotel was better best for us to stay at while we were travelling in Tongli. Thus, we found that the En-Ze-Tang Hotel raised received a lot of praise and the price ratio of it was pretty good. So we booked it on the Internet.
I liked the hotel for its antique beauty. You know, I live in Shanghai so I rarely saw see time-honored stuffs stuff (Note: sentence still awkward). The door to the hotel was built 100 hundred year ago, and there was still two stone lions in front of it. In my room, all the furniture was made of carmine wood and in carmine color. The bed was the most different furniture, as it copied the bed in the 19th century of China 19th century Chinese beds.
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 09:21 am
@Robert Gentel,
I had a tiny tweak:

Quote:
The bed was the most different furniture, as it copied 19th century Chinese beds.


The bed was the most interesting piece of furniture, as it was a copy of a 19th century bed.
0 Replies
 
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 10:34 am
Overall, a very good start! Your descriptions were well thought out and showed that you are grasping the language well.

The ordering of the sentences is a bit awkward. My preference would be to have it time ordered.

I researched a place to stay.....

I found the hotel.....

Description of the hotel.....

What I liked about it.....
0 Replies
 
jinmin1988
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 06:09 pm
@Robert Gentel,
hi, Robert.Thank you for your reply, I have changed one of my sentence which you think it awkward.
You known, I am a Shanghaiese so old stuff is always appealing for me.
Now, it that ok?
Robert Gentel
 
  2  
Reply Tue 11 Aug, 2009 06:12 pm
@jinmin1988,
"Shanghaiese" makes it even more awkward. But you fixed the part that was weird, which was "time-honored stuff". If you mix the two I think it would be even better:

You know, I live in Shanghai so old stuff is always appealing to me.

Note the collocation of "appeal to" which is better than using "for".
0 Replies
 
proofreadmyfile
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 12:57 am
@jinmin1988,
Hi Jinmin1988,
Some mistakes in your writing.
I live in Shanghai so I rarely "saw"but it should be "see" time-honored "stuffs" and here it should be "stuff".

0 Replies
 
 

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