Need some advice... please help!

It is incredibly frustrating... especially for me (and I'm sure it was for him all that time)!!! I don't blame Kyle, I blame myself. I admit that I was young and immature (and stupid!!!)and wasn't ready for the relationship that I knew would come along with getting involved with him. I was in college and he was in the military (and often getting deployed). It wasn't the right timing for me, and then when I was ready, it wasn't the right timing for him.
It just hurts me so much that we can't be together now. I wish there was a way to work it all out... I really just wish I could tell him how much he meant to me all those years, even if we can't be together now... I want him to know.

hello akay,

I read your initial post a couple times and I got stuck on the paragraphs above both times. I think you're misreading what your friend's boyfriend told you. I don't think that he felt guilty for having a girlfriend. I think he felt guilty for having sex with you. She isn't the source of his guilt - you are. That's why he's stayed away from you all this time. Is that fair? Probably not, but life's seldom fair.

Move on. I know it's easier said than done but he's known how to find you for 9 years and has chosen not to do so.



I think getting in touch with him now would be a mistake. He knows how much he meant to you. Many people have pasts that haunt their dreams with "what ifs" and "why nots". It's life. Live yours by looking through the front of the windshield rather than staring at the rear-view mirror.

I guess I'll pipe up some more, this time about this whole soulmate business.

Also about the searching for the soulmate so you won't be alone business.

I was a little slow to come around to the idea myself, that the soulmate thing is a construct made to fail. I don't think people understand this point of view until they end up agreeing with me, or perhaps agreed to start with. What a giant deal to always have to fit one's mate's sense of self and myself and ourselves, with whatever changes that mate goes through over a life time, or that I do, or we do together, or don't do together. Talk about a dodgem car ride, trying to weave, interweave, and not crash. You are two people.

Secondly, being alone can be quite a growth time on its own. I feel sorry for (but not to be condescending, I remember the feelings) people who simply have avoided being alone their whole lives. I think of it as fear of self.

Glad to hear you've grown.



At a guess, from the way he treated you (as in, wanting you to come some part towards him), this would not be a good idea...for his sake (though I understand how it would be a good idea for your sake)

i may have not written that correctly... i meant he felt guilty about sleeping with me because he had a girlfriend, not that he felt guilty for having a girlfriend. i've just always wondered if it was guilt that stopped him from calling me or if it was the fact that he was over me at that point. we've only not been in contact for a few years and i changed my number a while ago... so i'm not sure he would know how to find me. i don't know how to find him at this point... the thing is that i know how much i meant to him because he always told me. i never really reciprocated by telling him, so i don't think he does know how much he meant to me. i just hate thinking i never told him...

i did spend two years alone to get to know myself better, but i just came to the same conclusion that i miss him.

i'm not sure what you mean "from the way he treated you (as in, wanting you to come some part towards him), this would not be a good idea... for his sake"
could you elaborate?

He obviously believed you were the one for him, and he wanted to know that you believed he was the one for you.

Your actions said that you didn't believe he was the one for you (whatever you felt).

When you were with a boyfriend, he respectfully did not pursue you. This says a lot about his character.

When he came back from serving overseas, he spent the one night with you despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. After that he did not return any calls. This again says a lot about his character.

Basically he wanted something to remember you by because of how much you meant to him... but his nature is loyalty (despite the fact that he slept with you).

I realise you have regrets and want to set things straight, so that you can have peace of mind, but I don't think you've thought through what giving yourself peace of mind will result in (that is, his lack of peace of mind).

Given what he wanted from you (but never got) - If you let him know what you feel for him (what he previously always wanted), what does that result in for him?

Are you prepared to go through all the way with this? Or just tease him with it? What happens if he has kids? Are you prepared to ruin his wifes life? How do you think he'll feel about the hurt he causes her if he leaves? What about the frustration he'll always feel knowing that his wife is keeping him from the love of his life? Who'll he blame that on (even subconsciously) and don't you think that will cause him more unhappiness?

It may be good for your sake, but there are so many ways it can be bad for him.

Either you go all the way and live with the consequences (which has a small chance of eventually being the best thing you've ever had), or you live with the consequences of your actions to date....but don't go half assed and screw his life up (though there is a chance that won't happen...there's a definite chance it will to an unknown degree) purely so you don't have regrets.

Stuck in the past and re-living a fantasy dream.

Time to grow up, lady.

You may have a few of these "near misses" in your life.

More important, what life lesson did you learn from all this?

I hear what you're saying... I agree with all of it too. As much as I truly appreciate all the great insight I'm getting from people, I feel like you REALLY get my situation. I have definitely considered what contacting him would do to him... which is why I haven't done anything. I mean, I really have nothing to lose, he's not in my life right now anyway, so if he blew me off, I would be no worse off. My thought is more about him. But then I also think, if we are really meant to be, don't we deserve that? It would be much easier to walk away and never look back... and maybe never have that connection with anyone again... which is worse? Also, there is the possibility that he has just as deep of a connection to his wife as he does with me. Who knows? He doesn't have any kids, but I definitely don't want to hurt his wife. However, if I was married to someone who always wanted to be with someone else, I would rather go find my own soulmate (I don't know this woman, I don't know if she shares the same sentiments). And I'm not saying he even does want to be with me... I'm really just torn about the whole thing, as I'm sure you can tell! Thank you so much for each one of your thoughtful posts...

UPDATE!
So, I did find "kyle" on a social networking site. He hadn't been on in two years... but figured I'd give it shot and say hi. So I just wrote "how are you?" assuming I would never get a response since he hadn't been on in TWO YEARS! To my suprise a couple of weeks later he did respond saying "you look great, how are you? give me a call" and he left his phone number. This made me really nervous and after a week of deliberating I called him... only to find it was a non working number!!! I'm assuming (maybe stupidly) that giving me the wrong number was an error on his part, because I don't really see why he would bother giving me a fake number (it's not like I asked him for it). We haven't talked in years so it would be very easy for him to keep it that way. In any case, I sent him a message back just saying that I tried calling and it was a non working number. Then I said I'd love to catch up and left my number. So now it's his decision whether or not to contact me. The status of the message says he read it Monday night, but I still haven't gotten a call... What do you think of this situation???

The same thing I've always thought of your situation. Life is best lived moving forward. You know he has your number. He can get in touch with you if he chooses, so let it go.

He's newly married. You knowingly dropped back into his life at a time when he's begun a new commitment with someone else. I think your action was thoughtless and selfish.

I will have to disagree with you JPB. I do not think I was being thoughtless or selfish. We were friends for a really long time... I know we can't be together because he's married (and even if he wasn't, we probably still wouldn't be), but that doesn't mean we're not ever allowed to speak again! I have exes call me and email me frequently and they know I live with my boyfriend. I've never thought them to be "thoughtless" or "selfish" for contacting me while knowing I'm in a relationship. I'm happy that someone that meant something to me at one time still cares enough to catch up. All I said was "how are you?"; nothing inappropriate. I think you are being overly sensitive about the situation...

The upside of posting on an internet forum is that you get diverse opinions - take what you want and leave the rest.

The downside of posting on an internet forum is that we can only respond to your own words -- we aren't in your shoes, nor do we have the luxury of knowing both sides of the story. You said,



There's no way these words reflect the idea that you're simply interested in "how are you".

Why do you ask what people think? you clearly aren't pleased if people disagree with your view on this.

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In any case, I agree with JPB that you seem pretty selfish in all of this. Leave the poor man and his wife to get on with their lives.

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It's starting to feel a bit creepy.

True JPB that I do still have feeling for this man. I think that the fact that he was married was a bit of a shock to me at first and I was very overwhelmed by the feelings that I had. However, in the past month I have come to terms with the fact that yes he is married and yes I probably will always have feelings for him, BUT I am perfectly capable of keeping them in check. I do want to talk to him because I miss having him in my life (even if only as a friend). My point was simply that I don't think a "how are you?" between two people that used to have something between them is SUCH a bad thing. I know MANY people married or not who still keep in touch with exes... some still have feelings, some do not. I think it's the way that you present yourself in the situation that matters. I am not posting to get "positive feedback", I haven't thus far... I just simply need an outlet and trying to see if anyone else has any experience with this sort of situation.
And ehBeth, I simply disagreed with JPB that I was being selfish, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate their input. I don't think that with all the tools in this day and age sending someone a message that says "how are you" is creepy... He had the option to either answer or disregard the message. I'm not interferring in his life or his wife's life. I'm not calling or showing up at the house and I never would... THAT is creepy.