Hello you - been a wee while a? Questions keep coming back, I understand that.
On the other Hand This is something that haunts me on a DAILY basis.....
I get daily hauntings too.... not very pleasant, is it. However, you are not alone. I'm sure there's a lot of us around - tho, personally, I don't another person who feels the same as me. Or you.
Now, the thing is - you've made your choices here. You need to look at your achievements. Try to put the past back where it belongs, in the past. Try and look forward.
You see, since you made your choices - look at what you've done. You've got an apartment, your friends, your job, you passed your driving test, you've had contact with your Dad, you've been kayaking...and prolly a million and one things that you've achieved - and yep, you've have some rough moments !!!!! But, they're another story. Look at the achievements.
Now.... you've seen your Mom, albeit silently, and she was looking good, right? Her achievements, or whatever they are, she owns.
You own yours.
If you open up the lines of communication - you're taking the chance of being sucked back in - the guilt then can be unbearable - so you need to think really long and hard about what it is that YOU want. Not your Mom. Not your Dad. Not anyone else. Just about what YOU want and who you choose to take with you on that journey - or whether you can do it by yourself.
Alanon.... they could help you if you do decide to open up the communication.
The question is - when does it turn into too long, too much?
It's too long and too much when you go down a path you already know is going to hurt you - unless you are really, really strong and understand the consequences.
Right now, Mom is doing OK.
Dad has been OK.
You have been doing brilliant.
Keep talking a while and work out whether going back down that path could end up doing you, or Mom, more damage.
I know that feeling - I've done it a lot. It's taken a long time to realise that "those circumstances" "those situations" - I didn't have control over - it takes a lot to walk down a different path when you feel you "ought" to be a certain way, "ought" to do a certain thing - at the end of every day - YOU are the one who is important.
If YOU feel broken - then everything feels broken.
Take a look at the pics you posted MrH - and see your smile. You felt really good then. Keep that feeling. You can't control what others do, but you can keep control of what YOU wish to do and how you wish to act.
It's good to see you again - keep talking if you can/wish to - there's a lotta good folk here to give you some perspective.
Hoping you will post up more pics of the beautiful place you live in - and show us the handsome lad who has the world in the palm of his hands. Keep enjoying life MrH.