When Does it turn Into Too Long? Too much?

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this question is regarding my Mother and Her Past alchaolism.As your aware After Her Last bout It Got especially bad and I was basicly Like "**** it" and broke off all contact with her and all financial Support.....

Once she realized this she started trying to contact me at my work Etc...Long story short its been about a Year Without seeing my mother.She's left me notes at work saying she's Making "positive changes" In her Life and Etc...I even Saw her the other day (She didnt see me though) and She looked very good....Like maybe she wasnt drinking..........

It took me a long time to realize That Im NOT a terrible person for breaking off contact with my Mother like that and That She's an ADULT and If she's going to continually make Extrodinarily bad choices then theres going to be very serious consequences such as her son not wanting to be around her anymore.....This was further validated when i started watching That Tv show intervention and Families WOuld say how They would break off contact with their Loved ones if they didnt break their addiction.....I did This before seeing it on the show but it was nice to know im not alone in my decision.

On the other Hand This is something that haunts me on a DAILY basis.....Its clear from my mothers Notes She sent to my work that she's not upsett with me (hopefully) but Everyday that goes by becomes more difficult to See her again and I just cant bring mysefl to do it......What if she Dies and Ive never gone back? Its a serious Though Considering her extremely poor health She could die at any time and I Know It would be Extremely devistating to me To Have her pass away and Never Of Even seen her....

So the question is When Does It cross the line From I want Her To be better and Do this on her OWN and Realize that Untill then i Refuse to associate with her....To Me being an absolutely horrible son and Just abandoning his mother?

One Course of action ive considered was writing her a letter saying my feelings and Possibly opening up a line of communication with her that way...It might be better To ease into it that way possibly?

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Some serious questions....

Can you please verbalize WHY it would devastate you to not see your mother before she died?

Do you miss seeing her as another person, or simply because the fact she is your mother?

There is a difference between how you feel, and how you are "supposed to feel" Where do you fall?

If she were to die, whether you saw her or not, would that make her any less dead?

I imagine the reason you'd want to see her would be to reconcile. How would you feel if this meeting went one of the million different ways it could go, that is not in your plans?

If she was to apologize for whatever happened between you and her, do you feel that "whatever happened" would simply cease to exist? Even if she apologized, you'd still have to live your life from this moment on. If she didn't apologize, you'd still have to live your life from this moment on.

It's how you live your life from this moment, regardless of the past. You can do that in a positive, productive, loving way regardless of whether you ever see her again.

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I would suggest that you get in touch with alanon and attend meetings. You can plug in Maui alanon and get a list of meetings on Maui. Alcoholism is a family disease.

It is so obvious that "mom" is an important person and that you are angry with her disease.

I have a great friend on Maui that I could put you in touch with to talk story.

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@mrhunt,

mr. hunt, your post fills me with sadness. I wish I could provide answers but my home never was occupied by an alcoholic. There are some great people on this site with a lot of insight and compassion.I'll be watching and reading, hoping this will be resolved and you will be comforted.

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@mrhunt,

What do you think of contacting her again, conditionally?

She looks better and says she has made positive changes in her life. What about saying that you're willing to see her and see if that's true... but if it's not, or if it changes back, you're gone again?

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@mrhunt,

Hello you - been a wee while a? Questions keep coming back, I understand that.

mrhunt wrote:

On the other Hand This is something that haunts me on a DAILY basis.....

I get daily hauntings too.... not very pleasant, is it. However, you are not alone. I'm sure there's a lot of us around - tho, personally, I don't another person who feels the same as me. Or you.

Now, the thing is - you've made your choices here. You need to look at your achievements. Try to put the past back where it belongs, in the past. Try and look forward.

You see, since you made your choices - look at what you've done. You've got an apartment, your friends, your job, you passed your driving test, you've had contact with your Dad, you've been kayaking...and prolly a million and one things that you've achieved - and yep, you've have some rough moments !!!!! But, they're another story. Look at the achievements.

Now.... you've seen your Mom, albeit silently, and she was looking good, right? Her achievements, or whatever they are, she owns.

You own yours.

If you open up the lines of communication - you're taking the chance of being sucked back in - the guilt then can be unbearable - so you need to think really long and hard about what it is that YOU want. Not your Mom. Not your Dad. Not anyone else. Just about what YOU want and who you choose to take with you on that journey - or whether you can do it by yourself.

Alanon.... they could help you if you do decide to open up the communication.

The question is - when does it turn into too long, too much?

It's too long and too much when you go down a path you already know is going to hurt you - unless you are really, really strong and understand the consequences.

Right now, Mom is doing OK.

Dad has been OK.

You have been doing brilliant.

Keep talking a while and work out whether going back down that path could end up doing you, or Mom, more damage.

I know that feeling - I've done it a lot. It's taken a long time to realise that "those circumstances" "those situations" - I didn't have control over - it takes a lot to walk down a different path when you feel you "ought" to be a certain way, "ought" to do a certain thing - at the end of every day - YOU are the one who is important.

If YOU feel broken - then everything feels broken.

Take a look at the pics you posted MrH - and see your smile. You felt really good then. Keep that feeling. You can't control what others do, but you can keep control of what YOU wish to do and how you wish to act.

It's good to see you again - keep talking if you can/wish to - there's a lotta good folk here to give you some perspective.

Hoping you will post up more pics of the beautiful place you live in - and show us the handsome lad who has the world in the palm of his hands. Keep enjoying life MrH.

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I'm not really big into self-help books, but I got one the other month as it came as a freebie with other items I've ordered.

You've heard of Dr. Laura Schlissinger? I've heard her radio program, and to me, she always gets right to the point, sometimes shocking the caller who is expecting sympathy. Instead she might say "Oh come on now, stop making excuses" with whatever they are calling about.

Anyway, this book was called Bad Childhood, Good Life. I think you might like it. Or maybe you wouldn't

It's a quick read, and it was comforting in a way to hear others come to the same conclusion I eventually did about dealing, or not dealing with family members.

To me, it doesn't matter that your mother has the label of alcoholic. She could be labeled child abuser, promiscuous, absent, neglectful, passive agressive, manipulative, or a hundred other things. Alanon may, or may not be for you. That's your choice. I don't like it when someone makes a all encompassing cure-all stance like "this and such program can help you." Maybe you need a group, maybe you need an individual therapist...maybe you need to work this out on your own.

The fact is, whatever the relationship you had in the past, you can move forward with your own life any time you want....with, or without her....your choice as well.

Only you can answer this question mr. hunt....was she a good mother? Is the relationship worth salvaging?

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@chai2,

Thank you For the responses,That was a terrific set of questions chai2 and i'd like to answer them:
Can you please verbalize WHY it would devastate you to not see your mother before she died?
Because its Something you always hear about,Children saying "I never got a chance to say goodbye" Or whatever and its obviously something thats very devistating to alot of people and I dont want that thing hanging over my head...Id Like to know That I at least TRIED to do the Right thing...

Do you miss seeing her as another person, or simply because the fact she is your mother?
I Dont really "Miss" Her Per say,but i feel Like its something im supposed to do.I feel like if i told people who didnt know my circumstances "Oh,Ive not seen my mom in over a year and she lives 5 minutes from my place!" They'd think i was the worlds worst son.So i suppose Its simply because the fact that she's my mother and im supposed to.

There is a difference between how you feel, and how you are "supposed to feel" Where do you fall?
Well,I think i should see her because im supposed to.but how i currently feel whenever i think about her is just sad,And Angry at the person she's become.And although she may be doing better now i dont believe that will stick,and her racist Drunken Self abusive nature will apear again and its just a matter of time.

If she were to die, whether you saw her or not, would that make her any less dead?
No,No i suppose it wouldn]t

I imagine the reason you'd want to see her would be to reconcile. How would you feel if this meeting went one of the million different ways it could go, that is not in your plans?
I guess id know after It happened........but someone said that What if her old nature came out again......your gone again? thats a good point,What WOULD i Do?

I never meant this to be a Punishment towards her of where "if you dont clean your act up your son wont see you!" Type of thing,thats dick and not my intentions.....It was Just that i was so sucked into the situation and not living my own life and Even after i moved out.I felt like For Me to live my life and Make my own choices and For Her to Hopefully see The wrong of her ways that distance was needed.I never thought of how long or Temporary or permanate it would be....

Let me ask you this,What if i never DID ever see my mother again? What would you guys think of that? What type of person would that make me? A terrible son? a terrible person? Be honest,I really care to know Even if its hurtful.What would you guys do if you were in this situation?

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@mrhunt,

Mr H....

In my opinion..

It doesn't matter what we or anyone else thinks or believes.... it's how YOU feel hun.

No-one has the right to judge you, they don't know what you went through before making your choices. You know why you did, what you had to do. You had to walk away - and for all the right reasons. That has resulted in huge positive outcomes and made a better life for you, and also your Mom, if she is now helping herself and taking responsibility for her life.

Thing is. when you make decisions like you've made - it is hard to come to terms with, no matter how right everyone can tell you it is, or was. It takes time, it takes a lot of time to come to terms with walking away from your family, when, inside - you feel as tho it shouldn't be that way.

Your choices were good choices. They were yours - therefore they had to be the right decision at that time, for you.

From what I've read since you came here and your various threads - I think you are a good lad - not that you know me - but I'm really proud to see how far you've come and what you've achieved. I wish you could see your achievements too.

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answer to you question....I wouldn't think any less of you.

I'm off to yoga, gotta run.

I'll be back.

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There are many people who have "cut off" relationships with someone who is "toxic" to their own mental health. That's how we survive!

Don't feel guilty about not seeing her on HER terms. When you are ready, you can say yes to her invitation. But make it in a public place, like an outdoor coffee shop, so you can walk away if necessary. And under no circumstances should you feel obligated to trust her. She has much to do to earn back your respect and trust.

Put up some healthy walls around yourself. Expect nothing from her. She is what she is. If it starts to pressure on you, then make yourdistance.

There is a group called Adult children of Alcoholics that could help you to establish healthy boundaries for yourself.

d

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@mrhunt,

mrhunt wrote:

Thank you For the responses,That was a terrific set of questions chai2 and i'd like to answer them:
Can you please verbalize WHY it would devastate you to not see your mother before she died?
Because its Something you always hear about,Children saying "I never got a chance to say goodbye" Or whatever and its obviously something thats very devistating to alot of people and I dont want that thing hanging over my head...Id Like to know That I at least TRIED to do the Right thing...

Let me tell you something mr hunt, alot of people "say" they are devistated, because they are "supposed" to feel that way. That doesn't mean they feel as badly as they say they do (or at all). It seems to me that you have TRIED to do the Right thing many times, over a long period of time. You have paid your dues sir, and I will be sending you your membership card to the Happily Living My Own Life Club via the U.S. postal system.

Do you miss seeing her as another person, or simply because the fact she is your mother?
I Dont really "Miss" Her Per say,but i feel Like its something im supposed to do.I feel like if i told people who didnt know my circumstances "Oh,Ive not seen my mom in over a year and she lives 5 minutes from my place!" They'd think i was the worlds worst son.So i suppose Its simply because the fact that she's my mother and im supposed to.

You'd be surprised at how few people you need to tell about your relationship with your mother. Instead of doing what gives you peace of mind, you would worry about what people (who don't even need/want to know the situation), think about you. Remember mr hunt, when these other people go to bed at night, they are not wondering why you don't act the way they think you are supposed to.

There is a difference between how you feel, and how you are "supposed to feel" Where do you fall?
Well,I think i should see her because im supposed to.but how i currently feel whenever i think about her is just sad,And Angry at the person she's become.And although she may be doing better now i dont believe that will stick,and her racist Drunken Self abusive nature will apear again and its just a matter of time.

Since you feel she will go back to drinking I don't know how seeing her now would help. Either way she's going to be abusive to you again when she starts drinking.

If she were to die, whether you saw her or not, would that make her any less dead?
No,No i suppose it wouldn]t

I imagine the reason you'd want to see her would be to reconcile. How would you feel if this meeting went one of the million different ways it could go, that is not in your plans?
I guess id know after It happened........but someone said that What if her old nature came out again......your gone again? thats a good point,What WOULD i Do?

That's a good answer. In the dozens of encounters I had w/ my mother after I became an adult (and by adult I don't merely mean I was now of age), not one conversation ever went any of the scores of ways I imagined and tried to prepare myself for. The woman had so many aces up her sleeve I never had a chance. I never truly realized until very near the end of her life, how totally emeshed she was in this world of her own making. The terms reconciliation, love, conversation, where just words that had letters arranged in a certain way.
I'm not saying any of this to convince you our situtions have any type of similarities, or to avoid contact with her. Maybe it will ground you in the reality of your relationship with your mother, whatever that is.
I never meant this to be a Punishment towards her of where "if you dont clean your act up your son wont see you!" Type of thing,thats dick and not my intentions.....It was Just that i was so sucked into the situation and not living my own life and Even after i moved out.I felt like For Me to live my life and Make my own choices and For Her to Hopefully see The wrong of her ways that distance was needed.I never thought of how long or Temporary or permanate it would be....

Let me ask you this,What if i never DID ever see my mother again? What would you guys think of that? What type of person would that make me? A terrible son? a terrible person? Be honest,I really care to know Even if its hurtful.What would you guys do if you were in this situation?

IMHO, those who think you would be a terrible person are merely jealous that you did what they never had the guts to do.

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Well,I dont have much to say right now but i do want to greatly thank chai2 and Especially izzy For ALways being there and Helping me on here.

Your a terrific person izzie and it means the world to me that I know i can come here and Have your help,Ideas and support.Its extremely comforting....

Thank you So much to the both of you For your Help as always Smile

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