Is a relationship without sex just a friendship?

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OK, so I have 2 scenarios - both are late 20s/early 30s couples in years-long relationships, and they both have not been having sex for over a year.

In the first scenario, the guy isn't interested in sex anymore due to side-effects from an antidepressant. The woman was okay with this at first because they still cuddle and kiss, but she's starting to feel needy. The guy was a wreck before he started the meds, so going off them isn't really an answer.

In the second scenario, the couple have had chronic problems communicating in bed. The guy does the stereotypical rush-through-foreplay thing, and the woman isn't the most assertive person, so after a few times trying to explain what she needed and not seeing a change, she went the passive aggressive route and cut him off, thinking it would motivate him to do what she asked. Instead he just gave up trying to have sex with her at all.

In both of these relationships they are affectionate with each other in a nonsexual way; there aren't any other major causes of strife. Also in both cases it was the woman who brought up the possibility of ending the relationship, the guys both claim to be very committed and want to stay with their girlfriends.

I'm really kind of stumped on both of these so any thoughts would be appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 12 • Views: 14,041 • Replies: 23

[+3] - joefromchicago - 05/21/2009As long as they have to put up with each others' crap, they're in a relationship.

As long as they have to put up with each others' crap, they're in a relationship.

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@joefromchicago,

That was very profound!

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@joefromchicago,

joefromchicago wrote:

As long as they have to put up with each others' crap, they're in a relationship.

well yeah.

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@TR,

I've never taken antidepressants so I've no basis for understanding how overwhelming, or not, the side effects can be, or if the meds can be altered, etc. This is probably well discussed in that field. At the least, it would be hard to have a full relationship in those years without benefit of sex, but I suppose it's possible. As to is it just a friendship? No, more complicated than that. More like a waning sexual connection. Maybe all the way to fully weaned, maybe not.

In the second, they both could do some reading, and they are not very tuned in to each other. I wouldn't call this either friendship or sexual connection.

So, what is your role in all this, TR?

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@ossobuco,

I'm friends with someone in the first relationship, related to someone in the second. I've known about the first one for a while and the second was just related to me during some late night drinking/bonding. I am The Person People Tell Things To in my social network.

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@TR,

Ah, now I understand. I was that way too.
Well, wiser folk than I am will show up to answer at some point. That post of mine was off the cuff.

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what would be mystifying would be an unmarried woman choosing to stay in a relationship where the sex is not working.

I think the answer is that a primary relationship where the sex does not work is a relationship that is too low power to be continued. Only the marriage commitment changes this.......maybe......sometimes

1 Reply

@TR,

group sex with a fifth wheel is one possibility

or a date where each couple knows well in advance that its on for young an old later that night

sort the skills out as you go

1 Reply

@solipsister,

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

what would be mystifying would be an unmarried woman choosing to stay in a relationship where the sex is not working

Yeah, I had a friend from college and we were both in our twenties and she was living with this guy and he was in his twenties too. Apparently outwardly healthy- although I can't speak to the antidepressant issue with him- but she didn't mention that at all.

Anyway - she told me one night that he was impotent and they didn't have sex. And I was sort of bowled over by that. I tried to contain my surprise though, and I guess I did because she went on to ask me what I thought about it. I think she was trying to work out if someone not being able to have sex with you was 'reasonable cause' for dissatisfaction in a relationship.

I told her that I thought that would be very difficult- in fact- so difficult and stressful that it wouldn't really be a kindness to try to function in the relationship which really obviously wasn't working for either party.
Although - who knows- maybe it was working for him - maybe he was asexual or something and just WANTED the close friendship.
I don't know - anyway - she ended up moving out.
And her next boyfriend looked very virile. We never spoke about that aspect of their relationship, so I don't know- but I remember thinking that in terms of looks, at least, she seemed to be hedging her bets in that department.

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@aidan,

GOOD for her......I am convinced that most people whom are in an intimate relationship with one who won't/can't **** them are buried deeply in self esteem issues. They generally try to pass themselves off as virtuous, which is such a crock. They seem to get away with the sales pitch a good bit of the time though....

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Quote:

I am convinced that most people whom are in an intimate relationship with one who won't/can't **** them are buried deeply in self esteem issues.

Maybe- there must be some reason they don't feel deserving of what they really want.

Quote:

They generally try to pass themselves off as virtuous, which is such a crock.

I don't know about passing themselves off as anything though- I think motives can often be misinterpreted- from both sides. Like in this quote:

Quote:

In the second scenario, the couple have had chronic problems communicating in bed. The guy does the stereotypical rush-through-foreplay thing, and the woman isn't the most assertive person, so after a few times trying to explain what she needed and not seeing a change, she went the passive aggressive route and cut him off, thinking it would motivate him to do what she asked. Instead he just gave up trying to have sex with her at all.

I don't know how the behavior outlined in the part I've bolded could be interpreted as 'passive-aggressive'.

This is how I read it:
1) The woman doesn't find the sex satisfying
2) She tell the man what she needs
3) He doesn't change what he's doing to at least try to meet her needs
4) She withdraws from the sexual part of their relationship

Okay, at this point- if I were the guy- I would say to myself- 'It looks like I have two choices:
1) I can try to change my methods to at least try to meet my partner's needs
2) I can say, **** it - I'm not changing anything...

Which is what he apparently did - and the woman continued not to enjoy the sex, so she stopped having it with him.

But SHE'S the passive-aggressive one?

Interesting assessment.

I'd read it that the guy decided it wasn't worth it to him to change and now there's no sex- so maybe HE's the passive agressive one. Maybe he said to himself, 'I don't care enough about her to try to satisfy her needs - but I won't come out and tell her - I'll just show her by my actions.'

Maybe the outcome of ' no sex' was what he wanted in the first place. After all, he was the one who could have tried to change and decided not to.

Motivation is always a hard thing to read in someone else.
I wouldn't even try most times.

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@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

I've never taken antidepressants so I've no basis for understanding how overwhelming, or not, the side effects can be, or if the meds can be altered, etc. This is probably well discussed in that field. At the least, it would be hard to have a full relationship in those years without benefit of sex, but I suppose it's possible. As to is it just a friendship? No, more complicated than that. More like a waning sexual connection. Maybe all the way to fully weaned, maybe not.

In the second, they both could do some reading, and they are not very tuned in to each other. I wouldn't call this either friendship or sexual connection.

So, what is your role in all this, TR?

There's a number of anti-depressants that make sex virtually impossible for guys.

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Wilso wrote:

There's a number of anti-depressants that make sex virtually impossible for guys.

I don't know about that but I'm inclined to think that guys take anti-depressants because they are not having sex.

And sex is the most powerful anti-depressant..

1 Reply

@Francis,

Francis wrote:

Wilso wrote:
There's a number of anti-depressants that make sex virtually impossible for guys.

I don't know about that but I'm inclined to think that guys take anti-depressants because they are not having sex.

And sex is the most powerful anti-depressant..

I've been on a couple of anti-depressants. They completely shut down sexual sensitivity. Arousal is not a problem, but orgasm is impossible.

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Is a relationship without sex just a friendship?

That or a marriage!

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My girlfriend couldn't imagine sex without orgasm, but I can, I always got more enjoyment out of the means, not the end (not that she's complaining).

That sounds pretty good, right? Not really, I cannot get to 'the end' anymore. I just can't. It's gotten to the point I don't even worry about it anymore (mabee a little bit). I know that she's more worried about my 'non-arrival' than I am (she doesn't seem so worried 'in the moment' though, aslong as she's good and done then that's it).

Is there anyone else in a similar situation?

1 Reply

@Xenoche,

Being able to last a long time has been considered a good thing, in both Tantric sex and porn. If you can stay hard for extended periods without cumming then you are a stud......

Still, if you cant cum then you should figure out why, maybe you are twisted and need kinky sex, which you are not getting. If you don't figure this out then you will eventually loose your stud status, first you will have trouble staying hard, and then you will even have trouble getting hard.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

I'm not gonna lie, I don't find my partner as sexually attractive as I once did, everything still works well manually (ie masturbation). This, I imagine, is a situation where many a bloke has 'jumped the fence', I can't do that to her.

So I guess I should just live with it, though the last line of your reply is abit alarming, is that for real? I wont get 'it' at all? I might do some searching.

0 Replies

Is a relationship without sex just a friendship?

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