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Mon 20 Apr, 2009 11:15 am
Details. Married 14 years. 4 months ago I felt something was not right and checked her phone, found text that proved she was having sex with her best friend (female). I blew up. She begged me to stay and I did. Thing were very hard on me though. Her kids and ours were best friends and I would see her, but ignore her. One day, 3 weeks ago,I came home early and found this woman naked in my house! It was about to happen (they say.. whats the diff anyway). At that point I thought it was OVER. Many details but the fact is my wife says she is bi-sexual and needs this in her life. At the point I was ready to leave the house (3 hours after finding her) it was suggested I should let her do this. I really dont care about the sex part, it was the lies and behind my back that gets me. I suggested I would have to be there EVERY time they did it... meaning I watch. Not involved, just watch. The other woman is married but has agreed to this... though it has not happened yet. I actually like the other woman very much. We too were friends. Her husband is an ass though and I want him to know nothing about this. Its only been a week that we agreed to this and nothing has happened yet. I have allowed them to be friends again as much as the other woman can without her husband finding out. She told him 4 months ago and they too have been on the brink.
Here is the deal, I want my wife to be happy. I don't care about the sex part if I can watch. (I know it will turn me on, not make me upset). What i am worried about is I dont know if the other woman will follow thru. Will it happen again behind my back. Maybe, after some time, I would even be ok with that... just not now! Also, letting my wife "experiment" like this, am I risking losing her to the other side?? But, I was losing her anyway so its worth a try, right?
Its a pivotal point in our marriage and my life. I know, this could save our marriage... but could also kill it. But, it was going to be dead anyway at the time we came to this deal. I"m sure I could be happy if this works out going forward... but what is to come down the road? Where can this go? I'm not looking for threesoms (wouldnt say no, but not my goal). I love my wife more the life itself and just want her to be happy. This is about what she needs, not what I want to see. Seeing it will turn me on, i know that. And the deal is, no rush for her to leave, but we then have sex when she is gone.
My question.. am I the only one ever that is dealing with this, or has ever delt with this? I'm excited about keeping my wife happy and being happy myself but worried I'm just making things worse for me down the road if this happens.
Bisexual or lesbian, she should still be able to be monogamous.
@lucend99,
lucend99 wrote:(I know it will turn me on, not make me upset).
I'm not sure you can know this ahead of time.
Then it should be agreed that the friend should watch every time you and your wife have sex.
but hey, why stop there. I would demand the right to be able to watch every time my wife goes to the bathroom, so that you would be informed as to if she's urinating or moving her bowels.
It's important for you to know what she's doing every moment.
@DrewDad,
I agree. It isn't the sex, whether male or female - it is that she is cheating on you.
Are you prepared that your wife could also be having feelings for this woman beyond sex? What if she has sex with a different woman? What about stds?
@lucend99,
lucend99 wrote:...I really dont care about the sex part, it was the lies and behind my back that gets me. I suggested I would have to be there EVERY time they did it... meaning I watch. Not involved, just watch.
...
I have allowed them to be friends again as much as the other woman can without her husband finding out. She told him 4 months ago and they too have been on the brink.
Here is the deal, I want my wife to be happy. I don't care about the sex part if I can watch. (I know it will turn me on, not make me upset). What i am worried about is I dont know if the other woman will follow thru. Will it happen again behind my back. Maybe, after some time, I would even be ok with that... just not now! Also, letting my wife "experiment" like this, am I risking losing her to the other side?? But, I was losing her anyway so its worth a try, right?
Perhaps it's just your writing style but you sound kind of controlling. I don't get the sense that this is as much about your wife having sex with someone else (male or female) as it is about you being surprised that it was happening and wanting to turn it into something you control.
You say you're interested in your wife's happiness but it doesn't really come across that way to me. You were shocked by your initial discovery and were surprised again to find them together. She (they?) have convinced you that they need to be together and you can stay and watch if you want. It doesn't sound to me like you're a very important part of her emotional happiness. It also doesn't sound like they're overjoyed with having a voyeur even if it means that they get to be together. You're looking at is as two women having sex. Chances are they are looking at it as something else -- something that doesn't require an observer or controller.
She had an affair. She continued to have the affair after it was discovered. Would you have the same response if the affair had been with another man? Would you want to put yourself in the room and watch her with him? I somehow doubt the answer is yes.
It doesn't much sound like what you've described - a caring husband concerned about his wife's emotional happiness. What it does sound like is a mess!
Dude - cheating is cheating! If she goes to "the dark side" (full-bore lesbian) what will you do? And what if she is having a LOVE relationship (not just sex) with this woman, where does that leave you in her heart of hearts? I'd put the cat out on the streets unless you just like being cuckolded by her. If she's a sneak, she's a sneak and will cheat at other things...Just my nickel...
I know this sounded cold and I'm sorry to hurt your feelings, but it's reality.
@NMGliderPilot,
You need to realize that she had an affair with a woman. She is bi sexual at least. Was it just sex? Doesn't sound like it. I believe she is still in love with this woman. You are only keeping her. You need to walk away. Tell her you need space and she needs space. This marriage will fail. Take it from me, I know. My wife cheated for 7 months. I watched everything she did. I checked emails saw all the phone calls, and still I did not want to lose her. She confessed cause her friend made her feel guilty, but I know she wanted more. So i left and met a new woman. She eventually went back to her"affair" Straight woman do not have affairs with gay chicks.
@chai2,
This guy sounds like he is the reason his wife cheats. Control freak. I bet she is in an abusive relationship with this creep. I feel sorry for her. Go to your woman and get the hell away from this troll.
Whats the problem? Two for one sounds pretty damn good to me.
Unless your so mind fucked by the monogamy ethos that having two will turn you into a paranoid freak, 14 years of marriage does have a tendency do that ya know.
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