Why am I such a lousy husband?

One golden rule - don't be selfish... that is the most romantic thing, and what everything else stems from...

I know. That's the key. But I'm afraid I am selfish. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing a chromosome or something. I really WANT to be that guy. But for whatever reason, I just fail at it every time. I'm so self absorbed, so caught up in all these little things that don't amount to a hill of beans, while at the same time forgetting all the things that matter most. And by the time I realize what I'm doing, it's too late. And the worst part of all is that I KNOW better. Maybe some guys are just supposed to be bachelors.

Take it one thing at a time... put something small in a private diary, and do it... something simple like - next wednesday, make her favourite dessert... next friday, leave a little note on the fridge... once tiny little thing every week... it's not the big gestures which warm a ladies heart and keep the relationship ticking over. Even something as simple as making the effort to tell her she looks amazing - this usualy works when you suspect she may be feeling run down, or tired

The point is.. do it! Don't think about it... just do it. Do something now... tell her you love her right now, and kiss her on the head :-)

I don't buy the very premise of your post.

The idea that there is such thing as a "lousy" husband (assuming this word has nothing to do with sucking insects) implies that there is such thing as a "good" husband. This would mean that there is some set of traits that, should a man possess, would make a marriage works.

Of course this is hogwash. Since all people are unique, each marriage is unique. There are things that work very well in my marriage that would be a disaster in another.

Focus on your particular relationship. Terms like "lousy husband" and "good wife" don't help at all. Marriage is a partnership and you and your partner have to work it out as equals.

It seems to me that the best relationships are between to people who are happy with who they are, and accept who their partner is. The fact is you are who you are... it isn't realistic to expect someone to change who they are for a marriage.

My advice is to accept who you are and focus on the relationship. Sure there are specific things you can do. Buy a calendar and write down important dates. Make an effort to do little things.

Your wife obviously chose to marry you... and like all spouses, she did this knowing that you aren't perfect. Obviously you have enough good qualities to make this choice worth it.

But, lousy husband? I don't think so.

Ouch, Carrie has given such good, and such bad advice.

Your short introduction suggests you suffer from 'nice guy' syndrome, where you try to please people.

Your issue appears to do with not being true to yourself, probably because you been lead to believe that doing so is selfish.

If you can't be true to your own needs, your own wants, your own views, your own beliefs etc...if you don't respect them, then why should your wife/partner/girlfriend?

If you don't believe in yourself, why should your girlfriend? Your self belief while you are interacting with her is a reflection of how you react to the world. If you are giving in to her to 'please her', you will do the same to others. Contrarily, this idea does not please her.

If you can't create your own world/reality (something that you believe in, and are true to), then you will inevitably reside in your girlfriends world/reality. This means she has to create a world for two (rather than you both creating a life together)...which drains her of energy. This trait is otherwise known as being clingy/needy (my own belief is that this one particular point - about creating our realities, and it's implications - is why nice guys finish last)

The greatest gift you can give her...the most romantic moments you will ever bring her...will be something given and done from the absolute heart of who you are...without a single string or need for love attached. That can only come from a strong/deep sense of self, which only develops through being true to yourself.

I would suggest 2 books that I found very useful. "The way of the superior man" by David Deida (which btw, is not about being superior, but about being true to yourself), and "No more Mr Nice Guy" by (well, I can't remember who by, and I can't find the book atm, but again, is about being true to yourself)

It is 'who you are' that should please her...not what you can do for her.

The second book actually makes the claim that being a 'nice guy' is deceitful, and that bad boys are actually 'more honest about their wants and needs'.

My own thoughts on the topic are here (if you can get past the use of the term 'selfish')
http://able2know.org/topic/129648-1

Here here, I agree completely. My fiance and I are cmpletely comfortable around each other, and aren't particularly romantic on a grand scale, but the day to day is full of acceptance and support... we love each other as we are...

Does your wife expect grand gestures? I'm just wondering if she acts disappointed which makes you feel useless...

Is your wife asking you to be a more romantic husband?

the sensitive caring routine normally comes off looking wimpish, which will not get you any girl worth having. You want to demonstrate that you are invested in the girl, and in your life together, which is a different thing altogether. You write as if you are very young, you probably have not lived enough to know that what women say that they want and what they really want are rarely the same thing. Do what works, don't listen to the claimed desires of women very much.

Also, the advise to stay true to yourself is spot on...women can smell a fake from a mile away, and they will not want the fake even if what is being faked is exactly what the woman has claimed that she wants.

NEVER, EVER, BUY YOUR LADY A WASH MACHINE AS A "GIFT". Im afraid that They will never find your body.

Now my wife loves fishing gear and craft things.

Um farmerman....

My wife bought me a washing machine as a gift.... what are you suggesting I do?

OMG, that is so true. And I don't mean that in the sense of a guy who is looking for any excuse to justify my behavior. My sister has tried to tell me that I let people walk all over me, but at the same time, I tend to ignore the needs and feelings of others as well. My behavior is almost sociopathic at times. And you may be right. At the root of it all may be a failure to address my own needs. Until I do that, I will continue to ignore the needs of others as well.
Keep it coming guys. This is helpful.

Well here's a story - I never had a planned birthday by my partner - except like maybe once when he gave me a surprise party when I was like 25 - he always bought me a present that I could tell he picked up on his way home from work the day of.
Well, he bought me this bubble bath and it looked GOOD- I mean nice bottle with a fancy printed label and I thought, 'Hey, this didn't come from the BP station or Spar (the equivalent of convenience stores in the US). So I was impressed and I used it and I LOVED it and soon it was all gone, so I said, 'Where did you get that rose scented bubblebath you gave me for my birthday?'
And he was like, 'Why do you want to know?' all evasive.
So I said, 'Because I like it and it's all gone and I want to get some more.'
So he says the name of this fancy store I'd never heard of and didn't know where it was, so I'm all disappointed thinking. 'I'll never have it again - I just can't see making a special trip for it.'

The next week I'm grocery shopping and I'm figuring I'll pick up some cheap bubble bath and I'm looking on the shelf - and there's my nice rose bubble bath - £285 at Tesco.
Well, I was thrilled. And I'm still thrilled. I buy it every week. Quality and value for money - who could ask for more?
I consider that one of the best birthday presents I ever got.

if they can walk over you then they don't respect you......then you are toast. No way to come back from that.

No, she doesn't expect grand gestures. She has very normal and valid needs. She just wants me to once in a while take the time to think of her and to put some effort into doing something special to show her I love her without having to be reminded.

Hi, your statement is the gist of the post I linked. When we aren't true to ourselves, we actually become more selfish, more confused, less able to give unconditional love, less able to see others needs clearly etc.

The truer you are to yourself, the greater your sense of self will be, and the clearer you will see others (because you no longer need to dwell / be distracted by the confusion in your head...and for this reason, you will see others clearer, and be more compassionate towards them)

From another point of view...do you enrich peoples life by -
(a) being all of who you truly are, or by
(b)being what you think others want to you be?

Read those books...give them to your wife if you like, see what she thinks of them.

If only that were true. The fact is, I'm very much old enough to know better. In fact, there's a good chance I may be older than you. I'm just a dumb ass.

At a guess, your mother was very much a central figure in your life (your father was more of a background father, or similar), and she taught you that you must respect your elders / be nice to people /please your wife etc....

...certainly that was the way it was for me (among many other contributing circumstance), and I didn't learn the problems with being a 'nice guy' until I was in my early thirties (only late thirties now). These days, I'm actively involved in 'creating who I am' on a daily basis. It's fun, I'm calmer and more thoughtful of others, I have more friends, and am more loving...I resolved dispute better, and rarely feel attacked or unfairly treated anymore (can't actually remember the last time I felt unfairly treated)

I found a quote from that other linked post of mine :