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Mon 23 Feb, 2009 04:48 pm
It is not just good to be selfish, it is essential to our happiness.
I would like to say that I think the word ‘selfish’ is wrongly tarnished in the English language, mostly because we have only the one word for ‘focusing on the self’, whether we focus on ourselves for self development, growth, and self esteem…or we focus on ourselves because we simply don’t care about others (the bad part).
The benefits of being selfish :
We become fearless :
We can sing, dance, experiment, shout out for joy, show anger, be impulsive, be childlike…in fact, anything we feel in the moment, we allow ourselves to express. We don’t fear what others think, because our validation comes from within. It is what we think of ourselves and what we feel for life that truly matters. Fear of failure, fear of looking foolish, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of loneliness, in fact fear of anything resulting from social interaction ceases to have a hold over you when your validation comes from within.
We can give more genuine love :
This is because we take responsibility for having all of our needs met. When our needs aren’t met, if we are trying to meet someone else’s needs, there will always be this voice in the back of our heads going ‘but what about my needs’. This voice subconsciously influences all of our actions towards the other, undermining the genuine-ness of our love (until we respect ourselves by meeting our own needs " by showing love towards ourselves and our needs).
We can give greater love :
True selfishness means we place the highest importance on our own lives. This does not mean you have to believe you are higher, or better than anyone else. Looking at it from a reverse angle, let’s say that you think the world of your spouse…if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?
Basically, the greater importance you place on yourself, the greater importance you can genuinely give to your spouse. The greater you love yourself, the greater you can give unreserved love your spouse.
Having your needs met also means that you can give love without strings attached (needing something in return)…your giving of love becomes unconditional " it is not based on having that love returned. Ie. You can take joy in the giving of your love.
We generate high self esteem :
By placing the highest importance on our own lives, we place high value/worth on ourselves. High sense of worth is by definition high self esteem.
That said, it is our self-respect for ourselves and needs that maintains and nurtures our self esteem. Without self respect and selfishness, we may put others (emotional) needs ahead of our own. As our minds seek congruence….
We are most stable within ourselves :
…anytime we disregard our needs to please others, our mind will adjust our belief to meet the new reality (usually by suppressing the old belief, and ‘justifying’ actions with a new belief). This often leads to unresolved emotions, and to our subsconscious pulling us in contradictory directions
By respecting our needs, we allow a genuine respect for others needs to flow from the core of us.
We enrich lives by contributing our true selves:
If you are living to please others, are you contributing the unique individual that is you? If you suppress your desires/needs/wants in order to (meet another persons needs / not seem odd / conform) does the rest of life see who you truly are? How do the character/personality traits that are truly you express themselves if they are suppressed? Our lives are enriched by the true giving of others character.
We create :
That’s right, every man made thing in existence started as a picture in the mind of someone who was interested. Interest, even while it can be focused on an object/issue in the outside world…interest always comes from within. All manmade creation is only possible through the self.
We create our reality:
The people with the strongest realities are the leaders (they have a vision), the fanatical preachers (they absolutely ‘see’ the light), the best architects and engineers (visionaries), Artists (they strongly ‘feel’ their reality), the elite sportsmen (they envision/see each stroke, each hit, each pass etc " the clearer, more detailed the vision, the more likely it is to be).
The easiest way to see that we create reality is to look at a musician, and the ‘reality’ they create in their songs (the subconscious mind btw, can’t tell the difference between ‘reality’, dreams, and imaginations). As a note, I came across an interesting thought regarding musicians. They put spirit and energy into their creations (spirit being the sense of connectedness to ourselves, our environment, and to other people. Energy is self evident)
We allow women to feel safe, to be protected, to surrender:
Say you approach a woman at a bar and she snobs you. If you buy into her ‘view’ of you (ie. you enter into her reality), you are showing that your reality is weaker than hers. If yours were the stronger reality, then you would realise that her ‘reaction’ is not a reflection of you (because she doesn’t know you from a bar of soap), but has to do with her own reality. If you keep your reality and subsequently bring her into your reality (showing that yours is the stronger reality), she knows that she can ‘surrender’ to you.
Your strength and resolution of your reality when approaching a girl at a bar is a reflection of the strength and resolution you can bring to reality in regards to most all aspects of your life.
All leaders do this (pull people into their own realities). In the same way, all seductions eventually also do the same.
The "Me Generation" seems really out to validate itself.
@George,
Hi George,
If you have a look at my post, you will see it's theme is actually "you can give greater and more genuine love by first looking after your own needs"
Do you worry about your finances? That's selfish
Do you set a budget? That's selfish
Do you try to sort problems in your life out? That's selfish
Do you try to meet your needs? That's selfish
Do you want acceptance? That's selfish
Do you have goals? That's selfish
Do you strive for a better paying job? That's selfish
Do you want a better car/house? That's selfish
Do you want any possession? That's selfish
Do you want recognition? That's selfish
Selfishness has little to do with a 'me generation'. The truth is, every single person on this earth is selfish.
Without some part selfishness, we have no sense of self (the true meaning of 'selfish') and become just slaves to other people (because everything we are and have is given to other people).
Do you agree that meditation is good? And that it has many benefits? Meditation of necesitty, focuses inwards on the self (ie it is selfish)
For the two responders so far, instead of consdescending (which is btw, a self centred behaviour), why not say what you specifically disagree with?
@vikorr,
Quote:We don’t fear what others think, because our validation comes from within.
When our needs aren’t met, if we are trying to meet someone else’s needs
let’s say that you think the world of your spouse…if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?
Without self respect and selfishness, we may put others (emotional) needs ahead of our own.
If you are living to please others, are you contributing the unique individual that is you?
All so many needless and arbitrary polarizations.
@Shapeless,
Quote:All so many needless and arbitrary polarizations.
Hi Shapeless, let's have a look at your claim :
Quote:We don’t fear what others think, because our validation comes from within.
A polarisation is pushing contrasting subjects further apart than they actually are - to the extreme.
My statement, reworded, is not even a contrast, but a sequence - If your validation comes from within, there is no need to fear other peoples 'judgement'. That should be self evident.
Quote:When our needs aren’t met, if we are trying to meet someone else’s needs
There's no polarisation at all here, and not even a contrast, but a sequence...
Quote:let’s say that you think the world of your spouse…if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?
Again no polarisation, but a simple question. Perhaps you'd care to answer it?
Quote:Without self respect and selfishness, we may put others (emotional) needs ahead of our own.
This is part of a whole paragraph. This should be self evident. Would you care to explain your claim that it is polarised?
Quote:If you are living to please others, are you contributing the unique individual that is you?
Again, a simple question. Perhaps you'd care to answer it?
If you are going to make claims, at least make ones that make logical sense.
@vikorr,
vikorr, I'm often in agreement with you on given situations, but I can't even read this. Don't be dismayed, I couldn't listen to Deepak either and threw the tape from my italian teacher out after a few minutes running.
I've no interest in countering each point, it is all a ball of yarn. Are you working to gurudom?
Do you answer your clients/patients questions with sonorous sentences that you bless them with?
@ossobuco,
Hi Osso,
Actually, I don't blame you for not being able to read it. Most people have great difficulty with the concept because of the generations of negativity associated with the word "Selfish" (as I mentioned earlier, this is a fault with the English language only having one word for this topic)
Let me put it in a much simpler form:
-By looking after our true selves, we can give from our true selves.
-There is a balance to most everything in this world - the selfishness I am talking about is balanced by (and allows) a selfless giving.
Another way of looking at it :
Your self esteem is dependant upon :
-a sense of self
-a sense of your value/worth
-self respect
Much of my original post was looking at this, and the affects on you and your relationships if you allow those things to slip. But I took it one step further and also said "what then if I were to build my self esteem very high...what affect would this have on my relationships"? The answer was somewhat surprising (the greater the love we have for ourselves, the greater the genuine / unconditional love we can give to others)
The concept can be extended further than self, to give an understanding of who we follow and why.
Understanding of the principle can be extended to how we create our 'world/reality' that we live in.
@vikorr,
Quote:My statement, reworded, is not even a contrast, but a sequence - If your validation comes from within, there is no need to fear other peoples 'judgement'.
I'm glad you reworded it, since it is now saying something different. You went from "we
don't fear other people's judgment" to "there is
no need to fear other people's judgment." Your first formulation puts the two kinds of validation at odds ("if you do one, you won't do the other") while the second formulation more accurately points out that there is no logical necessity linking the two. You can care about other people's judgments, or not, whether or not you are selfish or selfless. This should be self-evident.
Quote:Quote:When our needs aren’t met, if we are trying to meet someone else’s needs
There's no polarisation at all here, and not even a contrast, but a sequence...
Quote:let’s say that you think the world of your spouse…if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?
Again no polarisation, but a simple question. Perhaps you'd care to answer it?
To the extent that these are, as you say, not polarizations, then the first halves of each of the questions are redundant and pointless. If you are not trying to imply a logical necessity linking one's feelings for a spouse with one's feelings for oneself, then why did you find it necessary to mention the spouse at all? It would have been possible to cut to the chase and simply ask, "if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?" You're right that it is a simple question, and if I read a polarization into it, it is because you implied one by padding the simple question with what you now seem to be implying (and which I agree) are unnecessary stipulations.
Quote:Quote:Without self respect and selfishness, we may put others (emotional) needs ahead of our own.
This is part of a whole paragraph. This should be self evident. Would you care to explain your claim that it is polarised?
See above.
Quote:Quote:If you are living to please others, are you contributing the unique individual that is you?
Again, a simple question. Perhaps you'd care to answer it?
Again, to the extent that you are not assuming polarizations, then this simple question could have been made even simpler by eliminating the first seven words. That you saw fit to put them in is what led me to believe that you saw an imaginary causal connection between the two.
@vikorr,
No, no, I don't have difficulty with the concept, I haven't gotten to the concept itself, and there wouldn't be, I hope, a need to simplify it - I have difficulty with the tone of guru-ness.
I don't know if that is cultural or not, but I'm guessing it is.
@ossobuco,
To explain, I'm not charmed by anyone coming on, from whatever culture, as teacher to the needy of teaching.
Whereas that may be a mode in your culture. And certainly has been well developed in my own, in at least some ways.
@ossobuco,
Lol, Osso, I really like your reply.
I'm not trying to be a guru, but simply to explain my thoughts on the topic - which is a topic that's interested me for a while. It's one that I anticipate would have a lot of objections, so I try to be thorough. Granted in discussing this sort of thing, I have used words like 'our reality' etc in there...for which there are no more accurate words in our language (that I know of). I doubt whatever it is you see in my posts is a cultural thing...Msgola disagrees with me almost in the same way you do
Hi Shapeless
Quote:I'm glad you reworded it, since it is now saying something different. You went from "we don't fear other people's judgment" to "there is no need to fear other people's judgment."
My apologies then, for the poor English
Quote:You can care about other people's judgments, or not, whether or not you are selfish or selfless. This should be self-evident.
I would say only if the selflessness is balanced by the ‘sense of self’ (ie. selfishness). If there is not sense of self, and only selflessness, then by definition, you very much care what they think.
Quote:let’s say that you think the world of your spouse…if you don’t think the world of yourself, what is the result?
Quote:To the extent that these are, as you say, not polarizations, then the first halves of each of the questions are redundant and pointless.
When taken to the end of logic, that sounds right. However, for the purpose of painting the experience within the scope of most peoples ability to visualise, I think it’s easier to do so the way I wrote.
In the case of dealing with your spouse, the worth that you assign your spouse compared to the worth you assign yourself affects your relationship (and taken all the way, all truly matters is your own self esteem).
Quote:If you are living to please others, are you contributing the unique individual that is you?
Quote:Again, to the extent that you are not assuming polarizations, then this simple question could have been made even simpler by eliminating the first seven words. That you saw fit to put them in is what led me to believe that you saw an imaginary causal connection between the two.
Same principle as above
@ossobuco,
Oh dear, please forgive me, but that amuses me more than your first reply, heheh (because now I understand where you are coming from). On the one hand I have the first two posters dismissing my post out of hand, and then I have you saying that I'm teaching to the needy of teaching...I find the contrast humourous.
Anyway, as mentioned in my previous post (and some more cause I just realised other reasons) - It's written that way because I think that selfishness is misunderstood (as evidenced by the first two posters), the word has a bad wrap, because I anticipated a lot of objections, and because I would like to start a discussion on it (in which case showing my own thoughts on the should be done first)
@vikorr,
Vik, I'll read more. We'll see. I'll probably explode at various phrasing. Will try to separate phrasing from ideas. And then deal with ideas.
Not tonight.
@ossobuco,
Quote:I'll probably explode at various phrasing. Will try to separate phrasing from ideas. And then deal with ideas.
One of the lovely things about the English Language - what I intend to convey when writing...the person reading it doesn't always interpret it the way I meant it to be interpretted...or there isn't enough information when I thought there was...or some other.
Leads to interesting misunderstandings.
@OmSigDAVID,
Psst David, did you understand that the other side of the coin (the balance) to my view of selfishness is that it allows truely selfless giving?
Only mention that because I know you are a hedonist, and it looks like you may have missed the point of my post
@vikorr,
Quote:I would say only if the selflessness is balanced by the ‘sense of self’ (ie. selfishness). If there is not sense of self, and only selflessness, then by definition, you very much care what they think.
No argument there, and I don't imagine many other people would disagree either. It's hard to argue against balance. That's why I don't think there is much utility in aligning oneself squarely with the "selfless" or the "selfish" camp, especially if we're going to acknowledge that one can easily accommodate the other.
Further thoughts :
Everyone agrees that Self Esteem is a necessary and good thing. But we (society) think of as bad the one thing necessary to a high self esteem - selfishness.
-Having a sense of self is necessary to high self esteem. A sense of self essentially involves spending time looking inwards (towards yourself). It is a 'selfish' pursuit (in the sense it is done for yourself and no one else).
-Being true to yourself is necessary to a healthy self esteem. When phrased that way (Be true to yourself) everyone agrees it's good.
Being true to yourself means not compromising your beliefs (ie putting them first), respecting your views/beliefs, and doing what is consistent with your beliefs/principles. If you are faced with a choice where you be true to your beliefs/principles, or meet someone elses need - then being true to your beliefs/principles is essentially selfish.
-where self esteem isn't selfish is in the value you place on yourself. If you consider everyone equal, then the higher the value you place on yourself, the higher the value you will ascribe to other people...without making them more important than you. The more love you have for yourself, the more love you can freely give to others.
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