What incredibly dumb (that you would NEVER share) things do you say to your pet/s?

pet names, not pet talk

one of my favourite threads, ever

Woohoo.

so what do the dogs and I talk about? pretty much everything - no topics are off limits but they don't like to hear me when I mutter about Set - seems to make them unhappy - so I try to stay in a happy place with them


what I'd really like to know is what hamburger and mrs hamburger say to Cleo when they're talking to her on the phone. Bailey doesn't "get" the phone. Cleo really seems to. If I hold the phone up to her ear when it's the hamburgers or brendalee, she gets all giddy and happy - til she gets sad that they're not here. She doesn't care to listen to people she doesn't know.

The hamburgers seem to talk about things that positively fascinate her. Ears up, ears to the left, ears up, ears to the left, ears up - and then a kiss on the nose for me.

They probably tell her how lovely she is.

Miranda just came in, and I am ashamed to say I said something like HELLO my little bubbalooby booby.

She answered, so it can't have been that bad.

Then Mandabandabandabandabandabandabandaranda!

She likes that. I got a cat hug (eyes blinking slowly)

It's time for her pill, so her love shall suffer a violent interruption momentarily.

Damn, I think she read that...she's gone.

Pacco dono pacco dono pacco dono pacco dono (repeated) to sound like a train gaining speed - rather like Do Des Ka Den, the Kurasawa movie with the title sounding like a train, or so I remember. Accent on the Pac' ... (rolls eyes)

I talk to Diamond the dog all day long, or sing to him.

I say "Who's my boojahboojahboojah?" and he'll put his nose in my neck and burble and snuffle.

It really makes Mr. B. crazy. "What the hell is boojah? Is that Russian for boyfriend or something? You and that dog blahblahblah....."

Or I sing (to the tune of "The Wicked Witch is Dead"

Ding dong the Diamond dog
Which old dog
The Diamond dog
Ding dong the pretty Diamond dog.

Then I'll make up a verse depending on what we're going to do like:

We're going to the park
We'll stay till it gets dark.

or.....

He hates to walk in the rain
He thinks it such a pain.

or.... whatever.

So his nickname is Ding.

Mommy's little sweetheart
the guy with the feet*
sniffin' all around 'cause
our Jakie's really neat

*we used to tell him all the time that his paws smelled like grass, like a meadow on a Summer's day

I sing to the dogs a fair bit. They each have their own song. Walk Like an Egyptian is Cleo's song, though Set sometimes sings Brown Eyed Girl to her. You are My Sunshine is Bailey's song. I can get pretty dramatic with that one, cuz you know I have to act it out. You'd think I was channelling Al Jolson or somethin'.

I used to make my dogs endure a bit of soft shoe before handing them dinner. Those two dear friends are gone. These days, I will sing to Punky:
"You'e the fattest little puppy
That I have ever saw
You're fat fat fat
Fat fat fat
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat."

When she stands for me to scratch her back, I tell her she's a big old juicy turd.

My mother's dog and I usually exchange expert opinions on catching mice in the fields. Her input to the conversation tends to be practical, paws-on so to speak, or rather snout-on. She basically shows me how it's done. (Basically she goes through her normal catching routine, but in between she gives shoots me "do you get it yet?" looks. I never get it, never manage to catch one, but she's very patient with me.) I give her feedback on how good she is doing, and to "look I think there's one over there" when of course there isn't. Generous soul that she is, she never gets frustrated with me. When we're back home, I give her knowledgeable theoretical feedback on what a good job she did. (And unfortunately, she is an excellent catcher of mice. In summer she gets about one on every other walk.)

I'm sorry I can't give specifics about the language of the exchange. I speak nonsense-German with her, and I don't really know how to translate that into nonsense-English for you. But I assure you that German bystanders would think I'm nuts if they listened to me. Fortunately most fellow hikers choose not to stand by. They quickly disappear into the background instead.

Flash Gordon..

Oh dear. That cat is so spoiled it isnt funny.

He is " my big strong man"
He is my 'boyfriend" , my hairy lover, asshole at times.. prick when he is teasing my older cat
But mostly when I see him he comes running and purring and humming. And my typical greeting is " hey guy. Whats up my sexy man?"

Or, when he is rubbing and kneading on me its ' whos my big stong man.. yeah.. das my big stwong manohmanohman yeahhh"

I don't acknowledge the existence of sally-dog or dante-cat let alone speak to them.

And how, exactly, does one ignore a 25 pound dog landing in the middle of one's lap?

Riiiight.

I talk to my cats about my sexual escapades. they have an extremely short attention span, so this is a perfect subject.

dys, of course, dallies with bullshit as tantalizing.

To the cat: "Hey stink-anus-kitten-breath!"

To the dog: "Hey dog-dog-dog-dog-dog!"

These are hilarious!!!


Cleo and "walk like an Egyptian" eh?

Boomerang, I think we are psychic twins, or something.

Osso and Jes...awwww...

Edgar began the journey toward the scatologiacal and sexual!

That was a WHOLE new side of Thomas.... ...just to start with , I always kind of felt you sprang fully-formed from someone's forehead, so even the mother bit is interesting. You so should try to catch a mouse! And the german baby-talk and the horrified hikers....well...

Dys is talking out his arse..

Bi-Polar..I am sorry to hear that..

Shewolf...you're almost scary...

Chumly's love call is fascinating...

Shewolfnm you talk to me like that and I'll come running too!