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How can I still be intimate with my wife of 13 years?

 
 
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 03:08 pm
She keeps saying I don't love her and I'm not intimate with her anymore. How do I do that? I don't think anything I'll do will please her. I do believe I still love her. But she keeps saying I'm not attracted to her anymore. We make love 2-3 times a week. I know that's not much but she says she is okay with that.
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 03:51 pm
@Jeremiah,
Have you asked her what you can do to please her?
Has she told you what makes her feel that you are not attracted to her?

What kinds of things do you do to reach out to her on an emotional level?

Do you have children? Do you both work outside of the home?
Jeremiah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 03:57 pm
@ehBeth,
Quote:
Have you asked her what you can do to please her?


No I haven't. But she did mentioned just a simple hug or touch will do fine.

Quote:
Has she told you what makes her feel that you are not attracted to her?


That I'm not being close or intimate with her. That I'm not attracted to her looks. And when we get close and intimate (before sex) I'm expected to get turned on right away. In other words...my penis has to be fully erect.

Quote:
What kinds of things do you do to reach out to her on an emotional level?


I don't know what things I can do to reach out to her on an emotional level. Do you have any advice?

Quote:
Do you have children? Do you both work outside of the home?


We have two daughters ages 3 and 10. And we both work outside the home.
Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 04:18 pm
I would recommend that the two of you go on a Marriage Encounter weekend. It sound like you two have more of a communication problem than anything else and Marriage Encounter can do wonders to fix that while you're having fun learning how to do it.
mismi
 
  4  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 04:30 pm
@Foxfyre,
My husband told me this not long ago...I started paying closer attention and he was right. I was not being very affectionate with him. I didn't flirt and hug him, put my hand on his face...all the things I use to do. I get so caught up in doing and in my own "mom" world that I let that I am a wife slide to the side...he is much happier now...and reassured I think.
0 Replies
 
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CalamityJane
 
  5  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 09:35 pm
@Jeremiah,
Don't mind gungasnake, he's our resident clown.

Why don't you start courting your wife again? Just like you did when dating.
Bring her flowers, ask her out on a date (get a babysitter), take her to a nice
restaurant, a movie or play after dinner, then a nightcap at a bar, perhaps some dancing. Try to bring romance back into your life. Make her feel that
she is the most important thing in your life and then act accordingly.

You should have a date night once a week, just the two of you.
0 Replies
 
JTT
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 09:49 pm
@Jeremiah,
You don't have to be intimate with someone to be intimate with them. Being intimate on a daily basis will make the intimate moments/times truly intimate.

Change your thinking from "I don't think anything I'll do will please her" to "I think everything that I'll do will please her".
0 Replies
 
javeediqb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Oct, 2008 04:01 am
@Jeremiah,
well ....some woman are like that .. she is loving you and attracted to you ..You dont believe? just see what will happen if you pretend to going away from her ..like you too do not have any interest to her ...it worked on me ..hope it will also work on you..
0 Replies
 
javeediqb
 
  0  
Reply Tue 28 Oct, 2008 04:04 am
@Jeremiah,
well ..you wont believe she still loves you ..may be she have some job stress and always thinking about that...you can do one thing ..just pretend as if you dont like her too.. for a week ..see how she comes to you ..it worked on me ..hope it will work on you too...
0 Replies
 
sparky779j
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jul, 2010 11:11 pm
my wife told me i give her all intimacy but she does not feel intimate with me during sex. She cheated on me and is stating that it is because i am inadequate in bed.... i don't touch her the "right way". It NEVER feels good. no mater what i do.

Please help me. I do not understand what i am doing wrong.
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2010 04:52 am
@sparky779j,
Much of it "feeling right" has to do with with the chemistry between couples. The chemistry of passion is fueled by love and attraction. Did your wife ever feel it was right with you? When you were first together did she feel sexual intimacy? Has she just lost this feeling over time? I don't think it has to do with you being inadequate, I think it has to do with her falling out of love (or never having been in love) with you. If she is feeling passion with another man it means she is capable (some people lose sexual passion as they age), so I think her lack of feelings with you has to do with her heart and head and not her body.
0 Replies
 
Jeremiah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2010 10:41 pm
So now she's accusing me of fantasizing other girls when I make love to her. She says every time I close my eyes during sex I think about other women. I told her I close my eyes because I'm in ecstasy but she doesn't believe me. I do admit sometimes I lose focus on my wife and my mind wanders off to a Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie but I think that's normal, yes? I don't want to tell her about this for fear we might fight again.

What do you think I should do?
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2010 11:18 pm
@Jeremiah,
Consider talking with her.
0 Replies
 
dyslexia
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Aug, 2010 08:07 am
@Jeremiah,
The only good, reliable, dependable and PASSIONATE sex I ever had was the years I was single (divorced) and that was between the ages of 33 and 44.
0 Replies
 
mister kitten
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Aug, 2010 05:55 pm
@Jeremiah,
Go out dancing with her right now in the middle of the street. If you can't, either you have deathly dangerous traffic or you don't want to dance with her.

I'd be spontaneous and loving...but that's simply my nature
0 Replies
 
rmg1203
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jan, 2011 01:39 pm
@Jeremiah,
Coming from a woman, it sounds to me like she feels unappreciated. Honestly, it is not that difficult to remind her how you feel about her. The best way to do this is the little things. Write her a note and leave it behind in the morning. Buy her flowers for no particular reason (bonus if she gets them at work). Ask her to not make plans for a saturday night and plan a romantic dinner out. Order her favorite bottle of wine or call ahead and have dessert ordered before you get there. It might not sound like much, but turning a typical saturday night into a surprise dinner date (don't forget to hold the door) is the easiest way to remind her of how much you care.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jan, 2011 02:20 pm
@Jeremiah,
Uh, if you're fantasising about other women during sex, then you are bored with your sexual partner. Boredom = not that much attracted to them sexually. So your wife is quite right (regarding that particular claim at least). That doesn't mean you don't love her btw, not that all her claims are legitimate (some were just wrong), and that's not to say this is entirely your fault either.

You will have to change some things, but make sure you make those changes for both you and her, not 'just to please her', but rather 'to please me' and 'to please her'.
0 Replies
 
Chuck1969
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 Apr, 2011 03:18 am
@Jeremiah,
Hi Jeremiah

I think sex 2-3 times a week is more than a lot of married couples can claim. Ask her what it is she expects or wants from you. Are you still attracted to her?
0 Replies
 
trulylost
 
  3  
Reply Tue 13 Dec, 2011 06:51 am
@Jeremiah,
your wife wants to be loved, women respond good to flowers, massage, and most importantly sincere sweet talking. Call her during work and tell her you missed her so much you'd love seeing her during lunch break, kiss her once you wake up and tell her how sweet her sleepy eyes look (maybe have a morning quickie), hug her from behind while she's doing the dishes (maybe offer to help). Women, especially after having kids, become overwhelmed, they need to satisfy the husband, the kids and their idiot manager. Kids are usually not appreciative (at least they don't show they are), the manager is never satisfied and the husband is busy with his job, kids and life that she feels totally ignored and worthless. Be the guy you used to be before you got married, send her dirty sms's, let her lay naked on bed and tell her she looks so perfect then kiss every part of her body passionately, she deserves that, offer some help around the house, tell her you had a wet dream and she was the diva (even if your diva is Megan Fox), change positions, do such stuff and pray she responds.
 

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