Is it just me or is it all wives?

I'm going to risk damnation and say it's a woman wife sort of thing. You see it as "your job" and since you'll be away you feel it is necessary to make things easier for the substitute. He maybe also sees it as "your job" and so you can handle it.

I wonder about that - and that is why I purposely said we both do household chores - I did not want to state my husband helps me because we should be equal in house hold duties. And typically we are. He is bathroom man - I am kitchen woman for instance.

Maybe it is still ingrained in our heads no matter how equal we try to be...

Although I take my turn cooking, doing dishes, etc., I struggle if I'm asked to pick out outfits for the girls or plan a menu.

I don't know. I think things are pretty even in my house -- my husband is the cook, for example. But when it comes to the kids, I'm the one who keeps track of what they are doing when and what goes on at school and usually I pack the lunches. That doesn't mean my husband doesn't do his part, he absolutely does, it's just that I started owning responsibility for that job a long time ago and never found a need to completely hand it over. So because I do it most of the time, my going out of time would leave him in a position of having to change his routine, which I would probably take some measures to alleviate. Likewise, when he leaves, he cooks and freezes several meals ahead of time because he knows that cooking would be out of my routine.

Yeah, that's more like what I'm getting at. It's a division of labor of sorts.

But why does a wife feel the need that they need to get everything ready and make it easier for hubby - but yet hubby does not have that same "need".

I would agree that it is you. Linkat, taking on the responsibility because you feel it is your job. I think you would find that to be the case in most American homes if not around the world.

The only time I have seen it work opposite was when we had guinea pigs. The mom had the babies and grudgingly fed them. Dad played with them, licked thm clean, and when mom died he took over nudging them to the dish to eat and comforting them when they cried. It was amazing.

I know Dads can do what Moms do. I think we are taught from birth that Home and kids are our domain and so WE take over.

I take 'em outside to dig in the mud....

Of course it's you. Not every wife does what you do.

Having said this there probably is a much better chance that the wife, rather than the husband would do what you do.

Does it really matter why?

Good deeds should be done for their own sake, and I'm sure you usually feel this way. Nothing wrong with every once in a while wondering (with some annoyance) why the other guy (in this case your husband) can't do the same, but the chances are pretty good you will continue with your behavior --- and, if so, good for you.

Chances are also pretty good that

1) If you discuss the topic with your husband (as opposed to scolding him) he'll feel contrite and express his gratitude - he may not change his behavior but he probably will express appreciation.

2) He can tell a story of how he does things you don't and which you don't really appreciate. Odds are it has nothing to do with the kids, but I bet it's something you appreciate when you think about it.

Women are hardwired to focus on the kids and the nest, while men are hardwired to focus on "protection" and making things work.

In a healthy relationship, focus and actions compliment rather than mirror one another.

Now...

It does seem to me that women tend to overestimate their contributions and underestimate those of their husbands.

I say this in terms of externally expressing their sense of inequity.

Men may do the same but keep it to themselves, but I tend to think they just don't focus on it.

This, of course, is in relation to relatively healthy relationships

I think you are being assumed on, given what you outlined in your first post was understood by both of you.

Is there something that he generally takes care of around the house? I mentioned my husband is the cook and that if he knows he won't be around he does feel the same "need" to make my life easier for that time by pre-cooking meals. I'm wondering if there isn't something that he sees as his responsibility that he would feel the need to help you prepare for if he isn't going to be around.

There is nothing in the first post that says the husband is "assuming on" anything.

If her husband were demanding that she do these things, that would be "assuming on" her... but there is no indication that this is the case.

Quite the contrary... if my wife did these things to me I (as the husband) might feel assumed on.

When my wife takes care of our kids, I assume that she is competent and capable of making decisions and talking responsibility for what the kids need. I don't feel the need to set everything up for her.

When the kids were younger, I did the same thing as you, Linkat. I didn't think of it as Bear being incompetent or me needing to make things easier for him though. I did it more for the kids since I knew more about their routine, likes and dislikes, habits, what is normal for them, etc. I bought the right foods and stocked the fridge, made a menu, washed the clothes, covered what projects were due and if one had a planned sleep over and another had arranged to get off the bus somewhere else. Those aren't things Bear would have known back then and it all would have caused a scene if a cub went missing!

Before my grandfather would leave for a few days he made sure grandma's car was filled, oil was changed if needed, tires properly inflated, bills were paid up to date...

Before Bear would leave for a few days he made sure I knew what bills ere paid, that there was money in th bank, (I was a stay at home then), would ask if there was anything I needed done...

Do you think you take these things on to help him? The kids? to ease your own mind? All of the above?

I agree with what you say other than - I am not annoyed by this, just curious if it is common about being a wife/mom or if it is just me.

I realize that I do this and almost feel no control to stop. I guess in general I like to help and make things easier for others even if it causes more work for me.

I also realize how much hubby does do - like I said we usually do what we do best and it works well for us.

This situation isn't even about just the kids - it is just he didn't do anything to make it easier for me when he left - it may come out as I am annoyed, but honestly I didn't expect or ask him to - I know he felt bad about it and said he owes me without me even saying anything. But yet I have this weird complusion to make things easier for him without expecting him to do the same for me. This is not different from other aspects of my life - like work - I expect more from me than others.

The one other thing I disagree with is the statement "Men may do the same but keep it to themselves, but I tend to think they just don't focus on it. "

Odd but I always thought the opposite - whenever my husband does something around the house - he announces it - I did so and so. Great I say. However, when I do the same there is no verbal announcement from me - just part of the daily routine. I sort of put it in the category of the old hunting thing - there is a big to do when the men go on a hunt whereas when women do work every day gathering and stuff - no peep.

Yeah - cleaning the bathrooms/kitty litter/watering the plants. He was planning on cleaning two of the bathrooms (and we would only use one to make it easier and have things ready for the open house), but he didn't have time - and did mention he felt bad about leaving it for me. The others are things that you can't do ahead of time so you can't prepare.

He also helps the kids with homework (or we split it) and sometimes depending on who is more busy in the morning - getting the kids ready for school - he usually picks them up and I usually drop them off. He usually gets them supper, I usually get them breakfast.

I guess it is more that with having only parent, there is double the work so whatever you can do ahead of time to help and cause less work was what I was thinking and actually did discuss about when I let him know about my traveling for work.

I think it is a combo. I know how much more work it can be so I want to help my husband and yes there are some things I know better about the kids than he does and visa versa. He has become more of the homework guy and I have been more - ok what would the kids want for lunch/snack, etc. And also the clothes - the kids can be picky about that even with a dress code. And the kids' schedule - make sure gym clothes on gym day, etc.

And definately to ease my mind. I obviously know he is competent, but to be honest I am a bit of a control freak.

I do it too. It's like a disease or something.

And it overwhelms me sometimes. But it really doesn't occur to me until it's too late to ask for help.

I'm not interested in your instruction about my opinion, ebrown. Just give your own without the teaching.