Help! What can I do for my daughter?

You're right, as usual, Izzie. I don't think he did a shitty thing - he did what he felt what he had to do. And when would be a better time?

I'm mainly here because of her hurt and shock, etc.

My feelings and opinions aren't germane. It's her that has to get through this.

I did not misunderstand Mame, and I agree that we need to do our best to leave relationships honorably. what I am saying is that from what little I know this sounds like a case where Greg broke. For what ever reason he could not stay and fight anymore, he had to go and he had to go fast. we see it happen all of the time, fight or flight, and there is no middle ground.

It is different for those of us who don't view leaving as an option, for us we will stay and fight even if we are sure that it will kill us. Those who think flight is an option will literally wake up in the morning, know "I can't do this anymore", and be gone for good by nightfall. There is nothing the mate can do to change this, a conversation would be pointless, as the one who needs to leave rarely knows themselves why they must.

the universe and human stupidity

RG wrote-



That sounds like a claim to be more retro than the rest. A sort of projection.

Do you really think an A2K thread of this nature could take a real retro post. If you do you're not all that retro. I can't speak for Hawkeye but I'm in bottom gear. I'm being sweet. There are ladies present.

hellokey wrote-



I don't agree with that. It's arrogant and complacent.

Nah, I don't identify as retro. I don't like the scabs on the knuckles thing.



My point wasn't whether it could take it but whether it's appropriate at all. I don't think making this kind of thread the front lines of the chauvinist gender war is sweet.

You're in favour of waving the white flag then I presume.

Your previous post was provocative. Emphatically.

What I favor is not politicizing someone's personal story and I won't contribute to it further by arguing with you guys here.

The deaths and mutilations in Iraq are just personal stories are they? The differential infant mortality rates the same I suppose.

The whole point of referring to my father's generation is that this story, one of a large number of similar stories, is caused by political forces and by drawing attention to that some of the responsibility for it can be fairly laid to where it belongs rather than entirely at the door of the participants and that failure to do that will lead to an increasing number of such stories. Which outcome will, of course, provide more opportunities for hypocritical posturing some of which is financially advantageous.

Here's an update... sounds like good news (she said cautiously)...directly from the horse's mouth:
~~~
Monday morning was a breakthrough. He came over and basically broke down. He admitted that he became so overwhelmed with stress that he became impulsive. He ended up acknowledging responsibility for all the pain he caused by making the decisions he did. He knows it was wrong and hurtful (not to feel the way he did, but the actions he chose). He asked if I would be willing to work things out and was very embarrassed to ask me this, thinking it was too late.

So after talking about it for awhile and establishing a plan, I agreed that it was worth every effort. I, of course, have strong feelings for him and did not want to be hypocritical by walking away from him without giving our marriage a fair shake.

There are many, many many things to talk about - Laura, money, the house, our assumed roles, freedom, parenting, and other various needs in our relationship. He has the added issues of properly processing his mother's death and "finding himself". So he will attend individual counselling on his own and we will do the couples counselling together. He is well aware that I am wary of trusting him and that I will not go down this road again. So until we've had a few sessions under our belt, he will remain at Steph's. I think we need to court each other again (as much as we possibly can with a limited budget and a toddler in the house).

He knows people are upset with him and he is prepared for some damage control. I am just happy he is owning this mess and trying to make it better. I am still wary.

What have I done for myself today, you asked? I am eating a strawberry/rhubarb crisp.
~~~
Well, thank goodness! I am much relieved. I don't know how he came to this realization but it confirms all the things I thought about him. sigh. This drama is so exhausting. I pity parents everywhere.

Steer the course, sailor...

It sounds like they're on the right path, Mame. Glad to hear it and good on you for being so supportive.

I am relieved too! Counseling will help them both, and if they take it slow,
they'll learn to trust each other again. Much love to you and them - I keep
my fingers crossed!!

Sounds like it's on the path to as good a resolution as possible. Hoping for the best for Denise, Greg, Lucy, the little unborn one, you and even the other gal (Laura, I guess), who I suspect didn't want to be in the middle of all of this.

Wallow in your victory girls.

What would Professor Clendening have said?

Mame,
I'm hoping for the very best with your family. I'm glad to hear he realized how much hurt he was causing. I hope things work out for them.

Hey Mame

Yep… it is worth the effort of trying to make it work for both of them " especially with the littlun on the way.

It sounds to me as tho Greg isn’t so much of a “running away and finding himself” (tho of course he may be) " but more of a “staying there when it was all too much to bear with the responsibilities bearing down on his shoulders” was just too much for him to cope with and he needed out (possibly his perception of responsibilities and the loss of their child and another baby on the way " maybe / maybe not) " he doesn’t sound like a BAD uncaring or spiteful person " he sounds as tho he was looking for an escape from uncertainty. Perhaps he will realise that his marriage is worth fighting for. Who am I to judge " no-one, nope, won’t do that. He’s done what he’s done and Denise is far from a silly little girl who wants to avenge her pride " GOOD FOR HER for giving him the chance and more importantly, for realizing that they both need to work at making the marriage work. That takes guts to do " it’s all too easy sometimes just to give up.

I hope that they can find their way through this " infidelity is not pleasant, causes much harm and angst (there was the understatement of the year) " but ….. trust, hope and love " those three words, when they are not just words, can put the infidelity to the side " it will take time. I don’t believe partners can “forget” it " but they can move past it if they choose to.

Denise is a strong woman, Greg wasn’t strong enough for a while " hopefully now they can help each other and find a good counselor, if that is what is required, to assist them in finding a way forward together.

I don't see any victories here yet but hoping so much that their marriage will be won back tho and it will last. They both deserve a shot at that IMO.

Thoughts to you and yours girl. x

That's encouraging... even if it doesn't lead to them getting back together, counseling should at least smooth the transition. (But since your daughter seems to very much want to stay married, I'm rooting for them to stay together...)

Thanks for the update...!

Whoa. Roller-coaster here.

Wishing them well, Mame.

You look after yourself and all, too.

It is heartening to see so many devout Christian ladies gathered together.

Lord Halifax once remarked- "The charm of the problem is that the farther you get away from it the easier it seems."