Ok ... Ive read all your posts. and I thank you for your advice. yes he was married for 5 years before, and we got married about 2 months after his divorce came through.
He came home today, I tried to be happy and busy. He ignored me totally, went off into the other room to play on the computer.
Its not easy all this rejection.
sozobe--I'm so glad you pointed that out. As I said--it was late, and I should've restricted myself to a few lines, and gone to bed.
Though my sentence reads like
Anyhoo-- I bet my butt the extreme insecurity has made you very clingy. I bet you are sucking the life out of your husband, and causing him to say things he wouldn't normally say.
It should read-- Anyhoo-- I bet my butt the extreme insecurity has made you very clingy. I bet you are sucking the life out of your husband, and this constant pressure is causing him to say things he wouldn't normally say.
tinan-- Didn't mean to hold you responsible for his actions. As soz said-- You aren't responsible for or to blame for what he does or says.
But-- just as your environment, and his lack of attention has led to you insecurity-- your (my opinion) high level of insecurity and neediness have led him to retreat from you even further.
It pains me to write this tinan but it needs to be said and no one else has said it quite yet. From everything you've written, it sounds to me like your marriage was a mistake from the very beginning and working things out just doesn't seem feasible. It started out as a rebound situation for him, you were his port in the storm, and it became a marriage when it never, ever should have gone that far. But it did, you allowed it to happen just as much as he did, and now you're forced to deal with the consequences.
I say the sooner you put this whole thing behind you, the better. The horse is dead. Bury it and move on.
I know this is so much easier said than done tinan and I feel your misery. We all do. But wallowing in it won't help. It just prolongs things.
Focus on your children. If you're miserable, more than likely they are too. Get them and yourself out of this mess any way you can. There has got to be someone that you can turn to for help.
I agree with eoe, but I think there's a possibility it can be saved.
The red flags are what I referred to as the big problems in the beginning of the relationship.
You were living with him and his wife...
Because he felt sorry for you...
It was a friendship, but HE changed that; you tried to talk him out of it???
You just assumed you'd be married.
More...
Sweetheart, you had self-esteem problems before hooking up with this guy--and no matter what else happens, please get counselling on self-esteem and personal empowerment before getting in one more relationship.
I suggest--
Taking responsibility for your happiness and the healthy raising of your children. People in your situation often place responsibility for their happiness on their mate. From what you have shared, you have done this, and even though your husband may have his own issues, I think you have intensified them by needing him so much. You are pushing him further away.
You may find if you get your own stuff going, and stop the negatives, he will be more interested in you and your marriage. (Of course, by this time, you may not be interested in him...)
Maybe a week of a more independant you, and a more appealing you will soften him for the conversation that may make or break the marriage. As eoe says, it seems to me he didn't really want to marry you. It just sort of happened.
My advice, such as it is--
1) Build a support group. Join a church, if you're so inclined; meet a neighbor, go to a gym, get a pT job, volunteer for a couple of hours somewhere--GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AROUND NEW PEOPLE. Do this thing, or see these people on a regular basis. Maybe arrange a play date with someone's kids nearby--stay and socialize.
2) Start therapy. There are free clinics, and the ones you talked about. If childcare is the problem, offer babysitting or school pick up to a neighbor as a trade off. Some of the barriers you mention are really self-imposed, though you may not realize it. If you can state a reason why you can't get outside help, you can still rely 100% on your husband.
3) Realize that you will now be responsible for your own happiness. Stop needing your husband.
How long you are willing to do this is how badly you want the marriage to work. Both of you need some help. You can start yours now. He may want to join you, once your neediness ends, and he doesn't feel so pressured by you. --Or, he may never want to. If you are in therapy, getting healthier, loving your children and not fussing with your husband--you may as well stay married, during this time (stowing away some savings, and making smart plans about your next move--while still leaving hope alive for the marriage).
You may get a point, where you are ready to leave him, or to tell him you aren't interested in continuing in a marriage with him if he doesn't make changes-- But you do it from a position of strength, not desperation, or fear...
Oh yeah. If you are going to be so nice to him, and bite your tongue when you want to fuss,
4) Find an outlet for your anger. A brisk afternoon walk, an exercise class/video, get a punching bag...
I've heard Dr. Phil, that hulking bulk of pomposity, say this, and he's right. You can't change other people. But you may be amazed as how changing yourself can cause other people to change.
You said it, sofia. Pearls of widsom.
We've all been in lousy relationships, tinan. I spent six years with a man based on potential, what I thought we could do together, not what we were actually doing which was nothing more than pissing away six years of our lives. It's difficult to walk away from your dreams but when you're the only one doing the dreaming...
Concentrate on what you CAN change, tinan. YOU.
[You were living with him and his wife...
Because he felt sorry for you...
It was a friendship, but HE changed that; you tried to talk him out of it???
You just assumed you'd be married.
More...}
I understnad what youre saying everywhere else, but I have to clarify some points, I was living with him and his wife, but that ws for a week, and also during that entire time, I was ready to walk out, because I didnt want to stay there and be a part of something I had never asked for. My husband was the one who begged and pleaded with me to stay and that he couldnt go through with life if I wasnt there, and that if I cared anything at all for him that I would. I know I shouldnt have without a doubt, but I did it only for his sake, not because he was feeling sorry for me. Funnily enough even though he was the one who helped me out a lot, it was always him almost begging to let him do it while I was trying to run away from being so dependent on another person.
Yes, I did try to talk him out of it... repeatedly. I tried really hard to make him understand that this would mean the end of our friendship because you cant go back to being friends after something like this has happened between two people. I admit I didnt try as hard as I should have and I didnt push as much as I should have but there were extenuating circumstances. 1. I trusted him like a family member... he was always incredibly protective of me. 2. I had just been through the death of my younger sibling less than two months ago, and had to be the strong one for my mother through that, meaning I couldnt express my own grief... so I was totally shattered. I needed comforting too, and while I know the last person I should have turned to for comfort was a married friend, that was a mistake I made. I trusted him though and I was vulnerable beyond belief. So I know what youre saying, but believe me, when I read what you write, it SO does not sound like what I went through.
tinan--
I didn't mean for the list to represent an overview of your relationship with your husband.
They were some of the red flag issues. They show you negating your own self-determination, common sense, and making (what I consider to be) bad choices. Hey. We all do it, sweetie.
You mention a bit of a struggle for independance--telling him you think it would be a bad idea to have sex in his home, where his wife lives, while you're griefstricken over the loss of your sibling, when you've only been friends, while you are completely beholden to him for a place to live----And boy were your instincts on target. But, you relinquished your better judgement, after a week if I'm not mistaken. To me, and others, it has the strong appearance that you were being used and manipulated. It almost looks like husband positioned you in his home as his on-site concubine, but I could be wrong.
His statement that sex with you made his marriage better....please, don't let me respond to that. Honey, don't believe **** like that.
Any way, I've said more than plenty. I wish you well!!! Make yourself strong!!!!
Hmmm.. I'm coming into all of this rather late in the game but just let me pop this in here.
tinan - Whether your husband chooses to talk with someone of not YOU should. You DO have resources avaialble to you.
Every military installation (excpet for the most remote locations but they don't allow family members at those so I'll presume you aren't at one of those..) has a chaplin, mental health services and a Family Support Center. These are professionals who are trained to deal with, and help you deal with, the type of situation you are currently in. Everything is 100% free of charge. You should also have insurace coverage through your husband's military policy (TRICARE) for couseling off-post/base if necessary.
I afraid I can't help you with your problem directly but if you need help locating people to contact feel free to PM me and let me know which military installation you are at and I'll find the info for you (I'm retired military and have plenty of sources for that kind of stuff.). I don't need anything more than the installation name if you choose to go that route.
Best of luck to you.
Tinan333....like everyone else has said, I'm sorry that your marriage is going downhill too. But hard as it may be, if for no other reason than the kids, you need to get out of this. If you go back and
re-read some of your posts, you constantly use PAST TENSE words like "were", "was", "previous",
etc. You can't move forward if you stay stuck in the past. And just because a couple may be "married" does not automatically mean that they have a "relationship". He said you probably deserved all the physical abuse from your previous marriage. If you tolerated PHYSICAL abuse from your first marriage, and are now tolerating EMOTIONAL abuse out of THIS one, then it seems to me like your self confidence has gone downhill. Marriage is like links on a chain....if the links aren't bonded you don't have a chain. If a relationship isn't bonded, you don't have a marriage. And think of this too...if your kids ever get married when they grow up, what kind of advice will you give them if they just so happen to get into an abusive relationship? If you know that you would have the strength to advise your kids to get out of it THEN, then guess what....you have the strength to get out of it NOW. I know divorce is a strenuous thing, but tolerating abuse just makes your self esteem diminish. And he has made it quite clear that he wants a divorce. I know you wish that he would try, but it seems obvious that he's not going to. You shouldn't stay in a relationship like this just because you don't want to be alone. It can pretty much be boiled down to one sentence....If you tolerate someone abusing you, you are just abusing YOURSELF. You're stronger than you think you are.
I wonder how tinan is doing?
Me, too.
How are things, tinan?
You might be getting divorced because marriage is a real game of chance.
Just a thought, maybe he wants a little space. Ease up for a few days and let him do exactly what he wants. Just a passing thought.
