somebody please help... I think I am going to be divorced

As I stated in the other thread, I truly feel for you in this situation.

by staying with him you are depriving your children from their mother too. They need stability and they need to see happiness. Call socail services perhaps (if you have that, I'm a canandian) and a lawyer who does consultations. ask for advice from some professionals just to see where you stand. don't tell your husband. do it for you and your kids.

We're here, hon, but you need some guidance from a professional aswell.

Thank you all so much.... I dont know what to say... I never thought Id feel comfort from unknown unseen people spread out all over the world...
Im hurting , Im numb, I feel dead inside, I cant think straight.
I feel like the one person I trusted above everyone else in the world , the person I wanted to build a future with, for me and my children, the one person I thought was my own in this whole entire world, is an impostor...
worse still, an impostor who had my heart and squeezed it dry of all its love and hopes and dreams.
I know I have to talk to professionals... I know I have to start taking steps in the right direction, I know I have to think about my children... but not now. right now I just want to curl up and die.

Well, you can't. You've got children to think about. They are totally dependent upon you so curling up and dying is a self-indulgent whim that you simply cannot afford.

I agree with Eoe. You need to pull yourself together for their sake.

Poor sweetheart.

I'm going to go back and read the backstory sozobe so kindly provided. In the meantime, I reached a point where I said goodbye to a marriage. It did eventually work out, but I summoned the strength to give it up.

Whether or not it works out, and I hope it will, you have to reach down inside yourself and commit to these truths--

1) You can make it on your own. You may not see how right now--and you may not want to-- but you MUST KNOW YOU CAN.

2) You are a valid, wonderful, unique person. By yourself. Not dependant on anyone else. YES YOU ARE.

I'll read back, and try to find some practical advice.

Detective Sofia, reporting for duty.

You said you have placed lubricant near his computer. Why, and why not now?

You say you have sex approx 7 times a month. Do you think this is average, less than or what?

Is masturbation the major problem in the relationship?

I think I may be able to help you see this objectively.

I placed the lubricant near his computer to show him that even though I had a problem with what he was doing, I wanted to be supportive, I thought if I would be more accepting of it he would be more open to hearing how I felt about things.
I dont know about averages or anything, but I do know that we are both in our early 30's , we've only been married a little over a year, and whatever we have and how much we have isnt enough for me.
No masturbation isnt the major problem, its just another one of the things that is creating the distance. I feel rejected, neglected and inferior, apart from feeling unattractive.... but that isnt just because of the porn... there are a lot of other things that go towards my feeling this way.

If you will, list the top five complaints you have with your husband/marriage in order of their importance.

This will help us not go down the wrong road, and discuss Problem #23, when problems 1-7 are the kickers.

I had a friend, who came to me about lack of communication and distance in her marriage. We discovered, to her surprise, she was the source. He did/said some of the same things your husband is doing/saying. To her--it 'looked' like it was him--but he was reacting to her.

Feel free to say you don't want to continue with this, if you don't. Just offering an objective, supportive opinion--but to do so, I need some more facts.

Whether you decide to continue or not--I wish you well.

thank you, but no. I would definitely like to continue, I want to know what the problem is, or if that is the case, who.
The very first complaint I have is that my husband
does not communicate. He doesnt like talking, and when he is upset, which is about 80% of the time, he goes into his shell. At this time I cant reach him no matter how much I want to comfort him. Also, at this time he is extremely selfish, and nothing else matter but his needs. I could be dying of saddness or depression or illness and it would make no difference to him. I would understand and let this go only this is not something that lasts a day or two... Im talking months on end. Thats a long time for me to wait to have a husband.
I can leave him alone, but you know what? I have needs too. I live in a brand new country where I know no one, have no friends or family. He is the only adult I can talk to, but he says this is too much pressure on him and he isnt a performing monkey. I dont want to be entertained sofia, I just need to be loved a little, not all the time, not every day, just once in a while.
Secondly, he has never made an effort with me, I feel like everything was taken for granted from the get go. He never wooed me, courted me or made me feel like the "special someone". I was his friend, and that how I feel I was always treated. He never took me anywhere romantic, never out to dinner or bought me flowers or even had a wedding....i dont even have a wedding ring for that matter.
I feel like I was what he settled for and not something he actively went out and tried to win/woo.

thirdly, I used to be an independant, confident woman, I am not anymore. The other day during an argument, I was telling him that I was trying so hard to make things work, that I was trying to be the best wife I could be for him, and that all I wanted from him was a little appreciation, do you know what he did? he yelled at me to go and get on the scale, once there he told me I was more than 10lbs over weight.
This coupled with the fact that he is more intimate with porn than with me doesnt really give me the confidence a loving husband would.

Fourthly, he doesnt like to socialize, he doesnt like to make friends, he doesnt introduce me to his friends from work, and while he knows their wives, I know no one. This isnt a big deal, but when you think of how I am in a new country (ive been here about 10 months) with no friends, it matters to me.
Fifthly, and maybe most importantly though, i HATE it when he ignores me. annd he does it SO easily... everytime I have an issue (which he calls an argument) he totally ignores me and becomes downright rude and insulting. The only reason our discussions turn into arguments though is because he ignores me when I talk, I hate having my feelings minimized. He does have a very high stress job, and I understnad that. He insists that I am mean and inconsiderate because I dont let him get enough sleep, and that I always start the arguments right before bed on purpose. this isnt true, he does not talk, he does not like to talk... I cant bring things up before because then he's online or playing computer games. The only time he is not actively doing something is when he goes to bed. All other times he just continues doing what he's doing and I dont even know if he's listening to me. He never even faces me when we talk to Im invariably talking to the side of his head.

I think I have more, but I am so tired I cant think straight. He gets back home tomorrow morning and I already have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because I dont know how to react... am I supposed to pretend that the argument never happened? am I supposed to be nonchallant? am I supposed to pre-emp his move and ignore him first? I just dont know anymore.

<hug to you>

How did you wind up married? From what you've said, it sounds like you were sort of the pursuer. It seems like he hasn't changed (still an uninterested clod), but your expectations have changed.

Did he ask you to marry him? Or did you sort of 'work it'? Or were you co-habitating, and found yourself moving with him?

If he was never romantic, why did you stick with him (before marriage)?

I despise his 'get on the scales' comment. Don't take that crap to heart!

(I promise, I don't plan to do nothing but ask questions. Still getting a feel for the relationship.)

We were best friends.... we helped each other through some serious crises and tragedies, and when his marriage was breaking up I was there to talk to them both and try to resolve issues. He changed the dynamics of our relationship... I didnt want anything more than friendship to start with, but he changed it. After that he got divorced and then I think we took it for granted that we would marry, just beacuse we were so close. I never pursued him... I know that he is capable of romance because I knew what he was like in his last relationship... I know how much time and energy and effort he spent in his last relationships... I know I shouldnt compare, but thats the person I thought he was.
yes we were living together for a bit... but it all happened very suddenly. We were friends, and I thought of him as an older brother almost... because he was so protective of me. Then I had a death in the family, a sibling infact, which left me shattered. He offered to take me and my chldren in because I had lost my job. we lived together in a purely platonic level for about a month, then after that he took the relationship to another level. I tried to talk him out of it, reminding him of his marriage and how this would ruin our friendship, but he told me to trust him and I did. Also I was so vulnerable that I really couldnt think straight. Once the relationship changed I didnt know what to expect, I was just living dday to day, thinking that maybe our friendship was ruined and that as soon as it would finish playing out he would go back to his wife. Infact, now that I am thinking about it, I remember him telling me that he haad never loved his wife more than after being with me...that in effect I had improved their relationship by sleeping with him. I know I should have had more sense even back then but believe me, I was not myself after the death. anyway he told his wife, they thrashed it out, (all the while we were all living in the same house mind you) anyway... this all happened then eventually she agreed to give him a divorce.... only after fleecing him thoroughly though. We have only just now recovered from paying off all her bills.
anyway, thats how it happened. I think after that we both kind of took it for granted that we would be married...

Its 4AM here, and this issue deserves a clearer head than I have at present. I will return tomorrow.

Advice for tomorrow: Nothing negative from you. No unhappy pronouncements, no arguments, no complaining. He's expecting more of the same ole same ole. Surprise him. Smile at him. Be for him, who you wish he was for you. Just for one day. Don't need anything from him tomorrow.

(Meanwhile, we'll dissect this thing.)

Preliminary diagnosis--You are incredibly insecure, and its easy to see why. There are MAJOR red flag issues in the history of your relationship, moreso than what's going on currently, IMO. Before your last post about how you got together, I was confident your marriage could be improved. Now, I'm less confident, because of the red flags. But, it is possible. I guess first--you'd have to look at it all laid out and decide if you WANT to save it. To me, a marriage is always worth saving, unless someone is suffering--and the likelihood of stopping the suffering is poor. Everyone suffers in a marriage from time to time. The issue is how much, and how often... You are suffering. Before too much longer, you will have to find out if your husband and you are willing to make the changes necessary for your suffering to stop. I am betting he is suffering, too.

Anyhoo-- I bet my butt the extreme insecurity has made you very clingy. I bet you are sucking the life out of your husband, and causing him to say things he wouldn't normally say. This happens to stay-at-home moms all the time. Throw in the fact that you're new to the country, and have NO support system--and it is so easy to see how you must feel--and how you must be making him feel.

These things can be resolved, if you love one another somewhere deep down beneath all this other stuff...

See what happens tomorrow if you are happy, independant and non-negative. Fake it if you have to. Spend some time with the kids, or in a luxurious bath. Good luck tomorrow, and I'll get back to the thread for more later.

Keep it simple tomorrow. If you are tempted to nag him about something, or complain, or force another deep, searching conversation about the state of your marriage--take your kids out to play-or to get ice cream, or go for power walk---do something! No negatives tomorrow.

Hugs to you. You will be better. One way or another, you are going to feel better soon.

If he insults you, tell him simply "That hurt my feelings." Nothing further. He will be baffled.

(Disclaimer--You are free to reject any of this. I'm just another person with another opinion.)

A very good opinion at that Sofia. I know I couldn't have said it better ;-)

Honestly, when I look at the history of why tinan and her current husband got married, I can't really see why they got married. It seems like they both thought they'd be more comfortable married than single,and just sort of fell into it. Well, it's not always the case. Some professional counselling for tinan might be in order - determine if this is a good relationship for her in any way. She often mentions that she doesn't want to take the childrens' father away from them, but when she describes his schedule, it doesn't seem like he spends that much time with the children.

Tinan, what is there in this marriage for you and the children? (it might be something to think about telling a counsellor)

ehBeth, yes, I had similar thoughts. This seems to be a rebound situation for at least the husband, and you know what they say about rebound relationships...

tinan333, how long was your husband married to his first wife? How long since he has been single?

One tiny quibble with Sofia's post, where she says:



He is an adult and can and should take responsibility for what he says. He can be exhausted, he can be frustrated, he can be annoyed, but that doesn't give him the right to say things like she deserved to have been abused by her first husband. She might be contributing to a stressful situation in whatever manner, but she is not causing him to say hurtful things. That's all him.

It does sound horribly messy. tinan was brought into her current husband's home, while he was still married to his previous wife. They were friends, it seems he took advantage of tinan while she was vulnerable following the death of her sibling, he got divorced (I can't believe his previous wife didn't get everything), they got married without a wedding ... The whole computer porn thing seems more like an avoidance strategy on his part than anything else. He may know intellectually that he got himself into a mess, and can't figure out a decent way to get out, and now is forcing tinan to be the 'bad guy' in the situation.