almost raped last night and still in love with a married guy

LostGirl, your instincts are right. Let the Married Man go, don't see him and don't talk to him, make a clean cut for good. Do it for yourself.
Four years is a very long time.... he's not leaving his family, all this does for you is make you stuck in a dead end situation.
Even if he left his family, could you live with a guy who had an affair on the side of the marriage (even if it's with you) for so long? How would you know he wouldn't do that to you? How could you ever trust him?

Of course there are men who not only measure up, but far surpass this guy. You don't see it now, but if you allow yourself to move on, I'm sure you will.
Sorry about the douchebag guy, that truly sounds horrid and I'm glad you got out of it physically unharmed.

Lostgirl,

Does your married man have enough respect for you to help you distance yourself from him? Can you look back on the time you have spent with him as an experience in your life and that you can move on from?

Somehow a relationship with a married man can seem safe. You always have an out. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life as the other woman who only gets a part of who he is? 4 years is a long time and I can totally relate to how you feel. Of course you love him but you know that you deserve something much more fulfilling.

You're bound to meet a nice guy that you are compatable with. But you do need to weed through the bad ones too.

I'm sorry to hear about last night. That's horrible. It's excellent to hear you report that you are ok. Ok, as far as ok goes after a scary situation like that.

After something like that, sometimes it can kick a person's world and perspective a little open and into another direction. Sometimes it gets people thinking...ok, so this is my life... and it's happening now...and as horrible as it may be to feel to think of these things, the truth is, what is this life you have built for yourself and is it enough for you? Because the truth is that horrible things can happen in a snap and change your world, and none of us ever really knows how long we get on this planet for either.

So let this experience be a catalysis for something positive for you. You KNOW what you need to do.

Don't get lulled into the sensation that married man is safe - he isn't. An hour or two to be there for you today costs you all those other hours of your days, plus missing out on a real love.

Cause what's the truth. Would married man be there at the hospital with you if (tg it didn't happen) this situation had turned out for the worse?
Would he have explained to his wife that he had to be with you - the mistress - or would you possibly have been lying there alone while he takes care of his wife?

I truly wish you the best, and think you are still in some denial, to be frank. Denial to all this is costing you.

As far as other men go - I'm sorry, but in my opinion, you can't say you have given it a try or truly 'dated' UNTIL and UNLESS you have let go of and dealt with the affair you are having with married man.

Why? Because even if you are there physically, you are mentally and emotionally checked out and tied to married man. That's not offering up the true or all of you to potential men.

And let's say Mr. Great for You and Not Married were to meet you now, by chance even? (cause sometimes it happens when we aren't paying attention or trying). Do you think he will be ok with finding out you are involved with a married man ...I mean, as he gets to know you..is that giving off the true version of you that you want a partner to know, and love, and to accept?

just think..and hope you have a good week recouping and feeling better...Call a friend and have a good dinner or something .

Re: almost raped last night and still in love with a married

No one measures up to a douchebag that is cheating on his wife and is using you for sex?

I think you need a new yardstick.

If you do what you are told you should be you will be cutting yourself off from one of your main means maintaining your emotional well being because your relationship with a married man does not pass muster with the morality police at a2K. That is nuts.

Get what you need from where ever you can, and keep looking for better options.

it has nothing, zero, nada, squat to do with morality.

LostGirl ........ I really can't add more than has already been said to you. Some excellent advice here. I hope you take it. Otherwise I fear you will remain on a dead end street with little hope of being able to turn around.



PS- Please forgive Hawkeyes delusional mentality.

Sorry, dag, I disagree. It has everything to do with morality. Not just the poster's, but her lover's as well. They are both disrespecting the man's marriage vows. Like it or not, that is a moral issue.

I find it very strange how people on this forum tend to support women who are involved with married men, but almost universally tell wives to "kick the bum out" when their husband cheats. Why is this? Do we automatically support the woman and blame the man here?

well, my post wasn't about morality, but primarily about LostGirl's well-being. That was my priority,is all i'm saying.

Okay.

In this case, then, well-being and morality coincide.

(I know, sometimes they don't.)

because this is patently wrong.

Well Lostgirl, if you were happy with the situation, you wouldn't write here
to ask advice.

4 years is a long time to "wait" for someone, and in your case, your
wait isn't over for another 10 to 15 years - if at all. The basic question
really is: do you want to play second fiddle in someone else's life
or do you deserve better?

No one can answer this for you, Lostgirl. You do deserve better, but
you have to feel it yourself, and realize that you are selling yourself
short.

And yes, please disregard hawkeye.

The morality debate aside lol...

I don't agree that needs are being met, truly, in this situation.

Needs are being met in the way that taking out a credit card, running it up to buy what you need/want right now, and not paying attention to what it is costing you - really costing you - and it running you in the hole further and further is more the situation.

And throwing the bills away without opening them or even acknowledging them, that's more the case IMPOV.

But IF you want to talk morality then, I have no problem stating my position that staying with a man who you know is in a committed relationship is basically wrong (no excuses, no situation is different to make it right or ok) all around.

If you can't even admit that to yourself, and see what a rip off it is - human beings are worth more than an arrangement like this can ever offer - than you'll not really get out of it. "IT" being more than just sleeping with married guy...but basically living your life as a woman from a position of meager power.

The unfortunate, and sad situation this lady - OP - went through last night can either push her one way or another.
Closer to herself, or more desperately relying falsely on married man for security and power.

and that's my cents for the day. Drew dad sure has it right. She needs a new measure stick, not only that - to look at the measure stick, for real, first.
peace.

Ya, because any woman who sleeps with a married man must be either stupid or a victim, right? We will completely ignore that what she gets out of the relationship, needs that will go unfulfilled if she takes the advise and breaks off contact. True enough that the resulting desperation will likely drive her in some direction to get her needs fulfilled again, perhaps as well as they are now, perhaps not as well. But the process will be a painful one, and a destabilizing one, and tragic results are possible.

But then looking for a better situation is painfull as well. How much worse position would lostgirl be in if she did not have this man to make love to her, to physically show her that she is wanted, to show her my example that not all men try to force her into sex as her date did? Maybe she is better off having a man who will give her these things until she finds a better situation than she would be by cutting herself off from this part of her support system.

I understand that I must be called names and she must be convinced to ignore what i say as a result of my unmitigated gall of speaking such heretical opinons....so be it.

you said, hawkeye, that the relationship with the married guy is LostGirl's source of emotional well-being. I don't think you are right here. If you were, she would not be here, telling us how tired she is of the situation, that she is thinking of leaving him, and so on, and so on. It does not seem to contribute to her well being whatsoever. Searching something new will be painful, too, yes. But much healthier.

We don't know lostgirl, so we can't know why she is here or why she asks what she asks or why she has been with a married man for four years and feels like she loves him. Maybe she is here to get told to dump him, because she wants a kick in the butt to do what she has already decided to do, maybe not. I also don't think that you or I are in a position to decide what is best for her, what is healthy for her. To have an opinion on that we would need to know her. The girl is here asking questions, it is our job to give her our individual answers to her questions, and then it is her job to decide what if anything she should do. No where is it appropriate for the rest of us to make assumptions about her motives, or to act like we know better than her what is best for her.

Hello all....thank you for redsponding so far....

I think what everyone says (including even hawkeye) does make sense in its own right. To be fair, I know that continuing to see married man isn't really helping my emotional status in the long run. I don't delude myself into thinking he's going to leave his current family to come be with me. I think it's more like a band-aid on a gushing wound.....it holds back the pain for just a little bit but afterwards it comes out twice as much.

Ive had horrid experiences with men lately, and my date a couple nights ago was just the icing on the cake. It made me feel like, why am I even bothering with trying to date, that it never works out for me, so what the hell is the point. and yes, when I see married guy I get a sense of emotional (and pretty good physical) fullfillment that I'm not getting anywhere else right now.

I don't know what it is about me, but relationships, they just never work out. A guy I hooked up with once told me I was intimidating, but I don't know if I believe that. I would imagine a guy would like having a girl who is both pretty attractive and very intelligent and independant, no? I mean, really, what do they want?

I have a job I hate, I work full time and then go to school four hours a day, so Im out of my house from 5 in the morning and dont come home until 9 at night. I sleep 3 hours a night, technically I'm depressed, I have no time to see family or friends , and I crave that feeling you have when someone just...well....loves you. I have my family, but that's different. Familial love is jsut not the same as romantic love, and people, I think, really crave both.

When Im with him and he strokes me hair and kisses me, the rest of the world melts away. I forget that I have to go to my crappy job tomorrow, that I have five million bills to pay, that I basically hate almost everything about my life right now. He is everything I could want in someone, apart from the whole married thing. Physically we have ridiculous chemistry, we get each other's sense of humour, intelligence, everything. I mean, for the first two years of the "affair", we didn't even have sex! It was stealing away to kiss and cuddle and maybe a bit more than that (ok, everything except for actual sex), but he was always too "guilty" feeling to sleep with me. Maybe about 8 months ago we started having sex on a regular basis. He still tells me that I am a huge source of conflict for him because he loves to see me and yet he can't leave his family.

I know that this is a temporary, and momentary, solution. Like I said, I am not delusional. I am just at a loss on what to do sometimes. Part of me thinks it's better to be alone than dealing with that dread and horrible feeling I get everytime he walks out of my door and I know he's going home to his wife. But that dread is balanced and confused by the euphoric feeling I get when I'm actually with him.

When I say I've tried to find a replacement and no one ever "measures up", i mean, that no one else ever makes me FEEL the way he does. I almost found it a couple times, i really did, but like i said, it just didnt work out. It never does. Im so tired of trying to make things work, I just want to give up. Im so stressed out all the time, one of the only things I look forward to anymore is seeing him for those couple of hours. I'm applying to medical school next year (yes, I decided a tad later than usual, I'll be 26 years old in a couple months) , and maybe, maybe, if just ONE good thing, like getting into a school, happened I might be happier, but Im not sure if would give me that fullfillment I need to totally push him away.

I think , most likely, that until someone else comes along that gives me that same spark that married man does, it will be near impossible for me to say no to him and to tell him to bugger off. Who knows why? Maybe its his looks, his charm, his cute accent, the way he makes me laugh, the way he does silly things to go out of his way for people, the way he really does care for people- who knows why someone falls in love with someone else? It's a combintion of qualities that I am convinced no one will ever be able to pinpoint.

You either feel it....or you don't. Tht whole "growing to love" someone thing, it's possible. But in my opinion, if you don't feel it from thebeginning, that that POTENTIAL for love is there, that it will never reach perfection. I was in a 4 year relationship with someone because he really loved me, and i grew to love him, and it was comfortable. He wanted to get married and it occured to me it wasnt fair to say yes, because there was never a day, from the beginning , that I was excited to come home and see him that day. It was always "meh", ok, he treats me good, I guess I'll stick around.

*sigh* apologies on this being so bloody long....

Why isn't he paying your bills?

Seems he's getting the best of both worlds.

I am, totally in agreement with DrewDad's post on the previous page.



You don't know your own worth, and I don't mean that in a monetary way.

Question...Doesn Mrs. Last Trimester know you're (still) around?

I think the best thing that could happen to your is if she catches the 2 of you together. Then you'd see how he'd drop you like a hot potato.

That's all I have to say about that.

Hi Chai, nice to "see" you again

You're probably right. No, the Mrs. does not know I am still around. I think she has assumed that since I don't work there anymore that he hasn't seen me anymore. And for about a year she was right because I didn't see him for about a year after the last time she found out something was going on.

Maybe it would be best if she found out again somehow. I would be crushed in the beginning, just like I was last time, of course, but somehow I see him ending it out of fear that she'll take his kids away rather than me ending it just because it's bad for me. I suppose I'm so responsible about everything else all the time, I've let this falter and stay out of my responsible-decison-making mode.

So, to answer your question, Im pretty sure she doesn't know, because she did a pretty good job of being in denial about it last time she found out something two years ago and I imagine things at home must have died down by now to where she's decided he's hopefully broken off contact with me.

I suppose that's probably how it will end at some point. He'll slip up again somehow, she'll find out, he'll beg for forgiveness in fear of losing his happy family unit, she might take him back, and he'll tell me he can't "do it anymore". He'll still have his family, and I'll be left in the dust wondering why Im such an idiot. Yeah, that sounds about right.