Serious advice needed RE: affair

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Yes, I realize that this is a very sensitive topic for many people, however, I have found myself in a difficult situation that I need sound, sincere advice on.
For those of you who feel angry regarding this post I am very sorry and I understand your position. Believe me, 4 years ago I would have felt angry about this as well. My marraige ended as a result of an affair.

2 1/2 years ago I was in a deep depression due to the breakup of my marriage, I had felt that I had lost worth and was basically rejected and unloveable. I found myself finding comfort and friendship with a married colleage of mine. After months of friendship we found ourselves extremely attracted to each other. He doesn't want to leave his family due to his beliefs of committment but feels the need to express his love to me since his wife has lost interest in intimacy.

He has constantly pushed me to put myself out there and find a loving relationaship with someone who could give me everything that he couldn't. I felt safe and loved with him knowing at first that this relationship could never progress into something that could fulfill my life.

We are now at a position that I have found someone that I am interested in pursuing. Suddenly my affair man can't stop calling and showing me more affection than he ever has. He tells me that he wants me to pursue this relationship but that he is also heart broken by the loss of what we had.

I do feel that if he were single that we would have a wonderful life together, but that is simply not the case. I do love him strongly but I also know that I have to go and pursue this other relationship to see where it might go. I love my friend but I'm also very excited about this new person.

What should I do? Do I stop all contact with my friend as a way of respecting him or should I be honest with us both by reminding him of how my heart really feels?

My head is spinning, for all I know, this new relationship may never work out, and then where will I be?

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Well here we go again. You've found yourself a friend that knows you well, but no matter what you do, you'll always feel as though you tripped and fell

So steady as she goes.

When you have completed what you thought you had to do, and your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue, then you'll get along.

Steady as she goes...

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You would be by yourself for a while, and that is a good thing, to learn to be alone and content, not a matter for dread.

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The tricky thing is that I fell in love with him and he says the same thing. Although he wants what's best for me, he is still heartbroken over the loss of us. But due to his sense of committment we will never be completely together.

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kickycan wrote:

Well here we go again. You've found yourself a friend that knows you well, but no matter what you do, you'll always feel as though you tripped and fell

So steady as she goes.

When you have completed what you thought you had to do, and your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue, then you'll get along.

Steady as she goes...

heh -- such poetry!

messyone - Welcome to A2K.

How do your react when you answer the phone (or check the caller-id) and discover it's your old lover? Do you look forward to his calls? Answer them with positive expectations? Perhaps the opposite? Perhaps no feelings at all? Whatever your thoughts are now when you get those calls then those thoughts are your inner voices telling you about the current reality of your feelings towards him. Listen to them and proceed accordingly.

You don't owe him anything. It seems as though it was a mutually satisfactory relationship between two adults (one of them married) who needed something else in their lives at the time. That doesn't mean that situations don't change, that needs don't change, and that the future is always burdened by the past.

If your voices are telling you it's time to move on then do so. If they're telling you you still want this man in your life because of who he is and what you get from that relationship then you're not ready to let him go. If they're telling you you don't want/need him any more but that you'd like to keep him dangling on the sidelines for just in case then perhaps you need to continue to work towards feeling better about yourself.

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I'm also not deniying that I shouldn't have gotten myself into this situation in the first place. This is what it is and now I'm at a loss of direction.

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My inner voice is telling me that I love him in a deep sense, for who he is as an individual as well as who he is with me. I don't want to let him go but I realize that our relationship will never be complete. I feel obligated to myself to pursue someone else despite my true feelings.

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Kickycan is really Jack White. Who knew?

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ok -- lets keep talking to those voices...

You feel obligated to pursue someone else despite your true feelings. It sounds like you're at a crossroads. What's causing your struggle? You have three choices in the short term:

1 - put all of your energies into the new relationship
2 - put all of your energies into affair man
3 - some combination of 1 and 2

ok 4 - chuck them both and disconnect your phone (I don't recommend it)

Where do you see yourself today in terms of 1, 2, and 3?

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OK, #1 is scary, there is always the chance of rejection and who wants to go through that again.

#2, it's safe, fun, and makes me feel secure.

#3 wouldn't be fair to either of the men and I have at least some integrity.

#4 no way, I'm ready to open my heart up again and get involved with a new love. I don't want to stay connected to my past.

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You did notice I said short term, yes?

Why does #3 zap your integrity in the short term and what short term commitments have you made to either guy about exclusive relationships?

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messyone wrote:

#4 no way, I'm ready to open my heart up again and get involved with a new love. I don't want to stay connected to my past.

WAIT!!!! You just no way'd your way into hearing your voices (or at least I heard them)...

You want to get involved with a new love and don't want to stay connected to your past.

Define past. Doesn't your past include affair man? Is affair man a new love?

I'm repeating your own words back to you because they oftentimes answer the questions you're asking. You've just told yourself what you want to do -- at least in the short term.

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My past as defined by me: totally destroyed and hurt by the man I trusted to be my best friend and father to my children.

I knew the affair man wouldn't be forever since he had no plans to leave his family, but I have found myself 2 1/2 years later in love with him. Now I find myself in the position of being the person to cause hurt. I'm hurting him by trying to move on. But I'm only moving on to try to fulfill my life. I want to be in love and feel secure in a relationship. I've lived alone and know that I can be independent but am ready for friendship with a partner.

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Ok -- then restricting yourself to options 1 and 2 -- all or nothing with one or the other man -- which one makes you want to get up in the morning and with hope for that day being a better day than the one before?

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Also, notice that I'm not including what affair man wants or what new man wants -- this is about you and your hopes and dreams. What do you want and how do you best see yourself getting there?

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Re: Serious advice needed RE: affair

messyone wrote:

What should I do? Do I stop all contact with my friend as a way of respecting him or should I be honest with us both by reminding him of how my heart really feels?

My head is spinning, for all I know, this new relationship may never work out, and then where will I be?

Should? A completely overused word loaded with pressure.

Regardless of how your heart feels, the guy is married. So it's best to release yourself from his grip. Sure, he's saddened by the prospect of your liaison ending.

Doesn't what he's doing make you angry, ever? Sure, he was supportive and loving when you were extremely vulnerable.

Set yourself free, girl. You'll ache and cry for a long, long, time, but you know what? eventually you won't and then you'll come out on the other side--relieved and living your life.

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JPB wrote:

Ok -- then restricting yourself to options 1 and 2 -- all or nothing with one or the other man -- which one makes you want to get up in the morning and with hope for that day being a better day than the one before?

I have stronger hopes with the new, single guy. This is because there are no restrictions. With the affair guy, I know that if he were to leave his family for us that it would produce a lot of resentment. I know that is no way to start a future.

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I am really saddened and hurt. I am no angel in any sense. I should never have started this. My feelings allowed me to ignore the true facts of our relationship.

We have always just accepted each other with no high expectations. We never gave each other gifts or really celebrated milestones together, I guess as a way to keep some reasonable distance.

Now I feel that he is scrambling with the prospect of my starting a new relationship. He calls non-stop and even sent me flowers this morning, which he has never done. But on the other hand, he tells me that he loves me enough to encourage me to pursue this new person.

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I guess I'm not fully understanding the dilemma.

Has affair man ever given you any indication that he would leave his family to pursue a committed relationship with you? Is he saying these things now that you've turned your attentions in another direction?

If not, then why are you thinking about that as a possible outcome? If so, then I missed that part.

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You're right, you haven't missed anything. He is not leaving his family. There is no hope for a full future with him unless I'm willing to settle for bits and pieces of time here and there.

My only dilema is that I'm in love with him.

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Serious advice needed RE: affair

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