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Serious advice needed RE: affair

 
 
Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 12:03 pm
messyone wrote:
I am really saddened and hurt.


You are not alone. A bazillion people have affairs with people not married to them and the sadness and hurt comes with the territory.
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messyone
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 12:05 pm
I feel really badly that I'm hurting him somehow by pursueing another man even though I really love him.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 12:06 pm
messyone wrote:
I feel really badly that I'm hurting him somehow by pursueing another man even though I really love him.


Get over it.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 12:10 pm
messyone wrote:
I don't want to let him go but I realize that our relationship will never be complete. I feel obligated to myself to pursue someone else despite my true feelings.


messyone wrote:
I'm ready to open my heart up again and get involved with a new love. I don't want to stay connected to my past.


messyone wrote:
I want to be in love and feel secure in a relationship. I've lived alone and know that I can be independent but am ready for friendship with a partner.


messyone wrote:
I have stronger hopes with the new, single guy. This is because there are no restrictions.


messyone wrote:
There is no hope for a full future with him unless I'm willing to settle for bits and pieces of time here and there.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 12:11 pm
Gala wrote:
messyone wrote:
I feel really badly that I'm hurting him somehow by pursueing another man even though I really love him.


Get over it.


And you will, in time, get over it.
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jodie34
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jun, 2008 06:13 pm
messyone

Let go of the guy that you are having an affair with. There is no future with this situation because he is not going to leave his family for you.
You will be hurting for awhile but will eventually get over it.
Are you looking for a husband ? Do you want children? Think about what you really want in life. You are the only one that can answer that .
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Jun, 2008 06:42 am
I've been harsh, but desperate times calls for desperate measures...

Love is not frantic and does not make you feel desperate.

I suggest you let him know it's time for him to stop sending you flowers and calling. After this, if he continues then don't answer the phone. This way you've drawn a boundary.

And boundaries matter in this case--especially considering he's got a huge line drawn out for you; his marriage and kids.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Jun, 2008 07:19 am
Re: Serious advice needed RE: affair
Hi messyone,

messyone wrote:
We are now at a position that I have found someone that I am interested in pursuing. Suddenly my affair man can't stop calling and showing me more affection than he ever has. He tells me that he wants me to pursue this relationship but that he is also heart broken by the loss of what we had.


I don't like this.

Totally aside from the married-man aspect -- just in terms of a relationship between two adults -- this is selfish, immature, manipulative behavior. It shouldn't take interest in another man for his interest in you to increase. He should be interested in you or not, period.

He wants you there and available and in limbo while he gets to have his life too. That's just unfair.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Jun, 2008 08:20 am
Re: Serious advice needed RE: affair
sozobe wrote:
Hi messyone,I don't like this.

Totally aside from the married-man aspect -- just in terms of a relationship between two adults -- this is selfish, immature, manipulative behavior. It shouldn't take interest in another man for his interest in you to increase. He should be interested in you or not, period.

He wants you there and available and in limbo while he gets to have his life too. That's just unfair.


sozobe is right. To add to this-- your relationship has come down to what she's just described. However, at one point it Did work for you, even if you never got the whole experience from in he did fufill (lopsided as it is)some of your needs at the time.

Cut and run-- keep the break as umessy as possible, you'll be thanking yourself for doing so, especially considering the nature of extramarital affairs are based (in theory, not practice) upon an easy come easy go attitude.
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Jun, 2008 08:21 am
soz- I completely agree. The married man had if just the way he wanted things...........a home, a family, and an adoring mistress on the side. For HIM it was very comfortable.

Messyone- I would guess that your lover sensed your neediness. He knew that he was giving you a "semblance" of stability. Being the gentleman Rolling Eyes , he encouraged you to find another relationship, so long as you did not do it.

Now that you are interested in another man, he is starting to panic, and his anxiety about losing you is coming out with his all-of-a-sudden increase in attention.

IMO, your conflict revolves around the fact that you cannot be sure that your new relationship will last. It might, and it might not, but I think that you need to break away from your first relationship, which is eminently clear, is going nowhere.

Personally, I don't think that you owe anything to your lover. He set the ground rules, and had things just the way that he wanted, on his terms. I would bet that when you leave him, he will quickly find a replacement. Over the years, I have known many men who were married, but had a long term mistress on the side.

You are a lot stronger than you think you are. However this new relationship plays out, it is important for you not to settle for crumbs. You are a lot better than that. Good luck!
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Jun, 2008 01:35 pm
I agree with Soz.

You may be this Married Man's first little civilized arrangement--but what happens after you leave him is up to him, not to you.

Unfortunately your heart is involved. Think, don't pine. Plan, think and escape.
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Bohne
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Jun, 2008 04:21 am
Sorry, I started skipping posts after the first two pages, so maybe this has been said already:

This married guy is using (and misusing) you big time!

He gets a woman for sex, while his marriage is in no danger.
He tells you how much he wants you to be happy, but then he deliberately makes it hard for you to pursue exactly this happiness.
For what?
Not for your sake from the sound of it.
But he would lose his little plaything.

You are not happy with the way things are.
Even though in some of your posts you try to convince us (or yourself) otherwise.
You say it's just one or the other.

So what more is there to think about.
Tell your lover good-bye and turn your head towards future adventures.

Love does not always work out.
Maybe this one won't either, but this is life. This is what you as we all will ahve to deal with.

All you can do is put your heart and all your effort into it.
Close your eyes and jump!
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Jun, 2008 02:49 pm
I too agree with Soz.

Some other interesting things I found :

Quote:
My inner voice is telling me that I love him in a deep sense, for who he is as an individual as well as who he is with me. I don't want to let him go but I realize that our relationship will never be complete. I feel obligated to myself to pursue someone else despite my true feelings.


The meeting of your needs is your own responsibility (sometimes people are nice and help you meet them, but if they don't, you're the only one left who has the ability to get them met - from that perspective, it is your right and your self obligation to seek to have your needs met).

Quote:
#3 wouldn't be fair to either of the men and I have at least some integrity.


I don't quite agree with this, though I understand the sentiment.

Quote:
My only dilema is that I'm in love with him.


I think you've already realised that you can be in love with someone who won't/can't/isn't meeting your needs. When that happens, it is time to look elsewhere. Luckily for us, there are many people out there that we are capable of loving, and who are capable of loving us.

Quote:
I feel really badly that I'm hurting him somehow by pursueing another man even though I really love him.


It's natural enough to feel badly, because you share a connection. Just realise that you aren't intentially wanting to hurt him - you are looking to have your needs met. He says he understands, he has his own life, and you need to seek fulfilment...and that is completely understandable (ie. if he's hurt, he'll still understand, and will get over it....we humans are tougher than many people think)
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Jun, 2008 07:38 am
Noddy24 wrote:
I agree with Soz.

You may be this Married Man's first little civilized arrangement--but what happens after you leave him is up to him, not to you.

Unfortunately your heart is involved. Think, don't pine. Plan, think and escape.


This whole pining thing is interesting to me...if ever a circumstance unwittingly puts you in the pining mode, I imagine it would be over an affair with someone who is married and not to you.

That's why it's such a battle for the mistress or whomever. But I agree--plan, think and above all escape.
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Aubreyea
 
  1  
Reply Fri 13 Jun, 2008 07:13 pm
in a relationship?
o come on girl...
you 're not supposed to do that...
as the line says..."Learn to love the person you marry". having another relationship will not go far...its a matter of finding yourself....try to stop and think...you could hurt anothers feelings....
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titia
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jun, 2008 03:19 am
I skipped some posts (read ~2 pages), so it might be that the thoughts I'll share have already be said, but however, here's my standpoint on your question --

Firstly, I must just say I JPB has done a great job on sorting your thoughts. The way of discussion that was held is usually a very good guide, so whatever you feel after discussing this with JPB might be a much stronger and trustworthy guide than what I'll say as a straightforward personal opinion on the situation.

However, I think you are in the situation where the affair man has tied you to himself mainly of his personal interest, and of course he doesn't want to lose you now. Why should he be happy to lose someone who agrees to share her love and devotion without putting any responsibilities on him, and accepts the game fully with his rules? I even think him saying he's hurt now does not necessarali mean what you think -- it might be that this way he's trying to play on your feelings, so that you wouldn't walk away.

I don't think he's very much in love with you, no. If he loved and respected you, he, in the first place, wouldn't wish you to end up in a relationship where you have nothing tangible. Ok, let's say he loves you and that's why he ended up trying to hold you with him -- but in that case he should really weight his marriage and relationship with you and make his choice. He obviously did that evaluation, but marriage appeared more precious -- and I seriously doubt whether this was caused by the sence of commitment alone.

I actually highly doubt whether there are serious issues in his family either, and would question the fact that his wife has lost intimacy... just because this is a common excuse for people who have affairs, but is not that often the real case. I know this might sound commonplace, but it is said that women have affairs when they lack something in their relationship, whilst men have affairs for what you can never have too much of. Plus, you mentioned that your relationship with him is rewarding, but he still chooses his wife over you. I think that makes the point.

Another thing is, it is nice of you to wish to be faithful to one or another man, but do you really think the affair guy deserves it?

So, long story short -- I would say, use the opportunity of the new guy coming along and try to develop a healthy relationship with him. It is a good chance to end the relationship that is, by common sence, unsound -- because you wouldn't walk away to be on your own for a while, you'd walk away having someone by you and having an opportunity to think what could be done in the future instead of what you lost in the past.

If you are so afraid to end one relationship before developing something new, then keep the contact with the old fellow for sometime (although this would only make things emotionally harder). And I think the math is very simple:

What you lose by doing this:
- a man who gladly uses your "service" but will never care enough to offer you something tangible;
- your feeling of security with the affair man, which is in fact visionary and deceptive, for there is no real security in such relationship. He does not offer you anything secure -- it is you yourself who trusts security might be there.
- by ending this, you also lose the opportunity to spend another 10 years being someone's another woman and not having life of your own. By the way, there is absolutely no guarantee he wouldn't reject you after those 10 years, maybe even for another affair. He'd still end up happily married and in an affair; you would end up brokenhearted and alone.

What you gain:
- an opportunity to develop a healthy relationship with this new guy, or, in case it does not work -- a sane freedom to find someone who would really value you and could offer true devotion.
- it is barely possible that the relationship with the affair guy will last forever. One day or another it will have to either end, either get another form. Another form is barely possible, which again means this will have to end. Thus, using the chance that life just offered you, you can end it sooner, walk out with almost smallest possible pain in your heart, and, in addition to that, have someone to turn to, who will help you to stay strong and will possibly keep you from coming back to the affair guy in the moments of weakness.
- you should also consider that by ending relationship with the affair guy, you relieve his wife from possible hurt. You say you've been cheated on, so you should understand what a big favor that would be for the lady.

This is the way I see it -- but you of course do your own calculation.

//K
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