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Can i run away From my problems? (Family Issue,Its long!)

 
 
mrhunt
 
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 02:46 am
So Allow me to paint the picture....

Im 21 years old and still live at home.Why You ask? Well,My mother has a Severe muscle deseise which has slowly crippled Her For years So that now Shes in her early 50's she about 95% Wheelchair bound with Most of her joints needing replacement,Almost blind and in constant Severe Pain.

She No Longer takes Her Pain medication or Goes to the Doctor and instead sits and Drinks rum and cokes All day long (She already has a VERY POOR Liver which has Failed before and left her in the ICU For weeks) It seems she doesnt really care or Can do anything at all anymore which has left a VERY large workload on me and my father.

My Parents buisness is failing and their house is falling apart....Thanks to Medical bills and Stupid Mistakes my father has gotten into they owe Easily upwards of a hundred thousand....So yeah.there in debt.

I work 2 Jobs And the majority of it i put into bills and helping around the house.....I do all the yard work,All Maintence within the home,get the food Etc etc.... back when i was making around $2500 a month All of it would go into bills and the home.....

In compareson i could be living on my own and without all of this stress and financial strain For around 1k to 1500 Dollars a month......But At what cost? When my mother falls down My father cant pick her up on his own...the house will fall apart,The yard will Die,their bills will stack up quickly to within the point of within a few months Main utilitys like electricity and Water would be shut off (its happened before)


Also,I dont want To Act like I do all this and its one sided....they are my parents and they've done all they could for me and still do....and I want to Help them and i feel obligated to help and stay here and handle things..

but for how long? I feel like i need to start a new chapter and move out....but can i do that? Just turn my back on them and ignore it? I just feel really trapped and i dont see any solutions here....I know moving out would be better,Id be happier. but At what cost?


Im a really terrible Son....I basicly Hate My Mother...i treat her Badly when she drinks but i know its not REALLY her fault as she's In so much pain but I still get angry with her because she's just slowly killing herself...She doesnt seem to understand that or Care I guess...And she wont stop,beleive me ive tried...You'd think liver failure and Detoxing in ICU For 2 weeks would make You not drink....but it didnt last long..



WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 03:00 am
To Further complicate things.......

I Sorta blame Myself For her deseise...Now half of me knows thats not true as All documents State That there is NO KNOWN CAUSE for polymiosytis And no known cure...

but at the same time.....Some doctor when She first got it Said that it could of been because she was pregnant with me....years later During a fight She Said this....She said it maybe a year or 2 ago...but i never Forgot it....

I Dont like to think like that but its always in the back of my mind like maybe if i handt of been born none of this would of ever happened.Maybe its just better if i die. I suppose I still think of suicide Occasionally....Its not a cry for help as ive never actually tried so dont reply saying "oh,People who kill themselves dont talk about it" Cause im too much of a bitch to really do it.

Im just saying if i get hit by a car tomorrow It would probally be all the better for everyone.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 03:59 am
Hi Mr Hunt

Not sure I can advise you and unfortunately I can't stay here too long - can see you are troubled - but you "have" to pull yourself up and try to look forward.

Firstly, I don't know you or any of your family history.

One thing that stands that I can comment on is "blaming" yourself for your mothers disease. This is a wholly unrealistist view in my opinion - something for which I have experience in as a mother. You are not responisble for "being born" and you are seemingly carrying a burden there that you can shed. So shift that load off the shoulders. It is not your fault.

From what I see - you "do" have low self worth and "self esteem" and I'm not sure I'm best placed to advise you on that. I remember reading you had got a new job as a manager! Are you still working and how is it going?

You cannot control what your Mom does, and tho it devastating to watch someone you care about on "self destruct" mode - there is little you can do and nor should you take responsibility for other peoples actions - family or friends. That is "their choice".

I am not sure where you live either - but if your father is unable to care for your mom due to a debilitating disease - then is there not a support system that can assist? If you were not there - SOMEONE would be required to step in and assist your father. I understand that would be a difficult decision - but have you asked the question?

Talk of suicide is "not" the right option IMO. Many people have overwhelming thoughts of preferring not to be around in order to "get out" from the life they are living and because "it wouldn't make a difference if I was dead"... simply NOT true - you need to change your life, believe you can change it and do something constructive to make it happen... and it would make difference to all the people you know were you not around - it would give them immense pain, sadness and grief. It is not easy to turn it around - but it is possible.

You need to find ONE positive in your life to start... then keep building on it. You do have it there... talk about it - not the negative for the moment - just the positives. Your mindset needs to change.

Please don't take this a lecture. I'm in no position to lecture or qualified in any department there. I would ask you just try to take a look around and see positive in something, any little thing, life is worth living - not giving up on. There is a big world for the taking - you need to find your space in it.
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:04 am
http://www.medicinenet.com/polymyositis/article.htm

Quote:
Sorta blame Myself For her deseise...Now half of me knows thats not true as All documents State That there is NO KNOWN CAUSE for polymiosytis And no known cure...

but at the same time.....Some doctor when She first got it Said that it could of been because she was pregnant with me....years later During a fight She Said this....She said it maybe a year or 2 ago...but i never Forgot it....


So.................you are stuck with a miserable, manipulating mother who blames you for something that is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT!

Yes, it is true that she has a serious condition. It is also true that she is attempting to put you in a position where you will spend your youth, and possibly a good part of your life, waiting on her, and letting your own life go by.


Quote:
She No Longer takes Her Pain medication or Goes to the Doctor and instead sits and Drinks rum and cokes All day long


With medication, her condition could be helped, but she would rather sit around and drink. Why not? She has a built in slave.

If I were you, I would get the hell out of there ASAP. You are living in a TOXIC environment, and the misery is beginning to wear you down. As for your father, your mother is HIS wife, and his responsibility. As a son, you could offer some help, but don't be foolish enough to throw your life away on this miserable woman.


Quote:
When my mother falls down My father cant pick her up on his own...


What does he do when you are at work? If she falls, he can call 911. In my retirement neighborhood, there are plenty of couples where one or the other is seriously disabled. And they cope, without destroying the lives of their children.

It is very important for your own mental health that you leave that house. Your mother has laid a guilt trip on you that you don't deserve, and the sad thing is...............you are buying it. Don't let her suck you in. You have your own life to lead.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:07 am
(oh Phoenix - you say it so much better than me. So glad I listened to you hun! Smile )

Mr Hunt. Listen to what people are advising you - ACT ON IT! Please.
0 Replies
 
mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:19 am
Phoenix.....Although im sure your advice was well meant I take serious offense to it...

My mother Is Neither Horrible Nor Manipulating..I am NOT her built In slave.I do these things because i want To JUST AS MUCH as i feel i Should.

Nor do I "wait on her" And i never Mentioned that i did in my post.I Do things around the house Because nobody else can...that means Doing laundry and watering the yard....Im not Rubbing her Feet all day and Getting Her drinks.


She is NOT a miserable Woman and Has done all she can for me and Continues To Do What she Can.She is a very sweet woman! EVERYONE says stupid things during arguments.....

Either Way,I appreciate Your No doubt Good intent but You Seriously Fucked Up On the delivery.....She's still my mother bro.And although i hate her for drinking and What she's doing to herself i still Care for her Or else i WOULD have moved out already.



And to answer your question....when im at work She Sits in her wheelchair all day long...My father is usually at work at that time as well and she is left unsupervised and alone which is not good.We do not have any kind of money for Assistance.
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:27 am
I just feel like......Well,I Know Kinda the answer is yeah...I should move out......And Maybe they WILL COPE.


but at what cost? Loosing their House? Loosing everything they have? My mother cannot work at all,We live in hawaii where Everything is EXTREMELY ExPENSIVE and they are as good as broke......so how does that work? I Have money comming in...they do too but Its next to nothing...

So how does that work? Im their SON! and i just up and leave? there not trying to keep me At home or Doing this....but i just have so much guilt for leaving them in a situation like that.....

I also said after a while i would only pay a grand a month And consider it basilcy "Rent" since thats about what it would cost to live on my own....but thats not even enough...they dont ask me for more than a grand but i go into their bills and See How "Oh,the electric bill is $500.00 past due and is about to be shut off!"

or oh,they stopped picking up our trash cause the bill wasnt paid and theirs garbage EVERYWHERE For weeks....(it just happened)

I wasnt trying to act as if my parents where trying to manipulate Me into doing this Or staying at home...but i can see what happens when i DONT step in and take care of things........and that happens more and more lately....
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Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:36 am
Mr Hunt..

I will leave Phoenix to speak for herself... :wink:


however, I do agree with Phoenix that your "guilt" feeling is not something that has come from you - you weren't born with guilt - it is something that was put upon you - unwittingly or otherwise. And now you carry it.

You have suggested you want to leave the family home and "get a life" - then you need to pursue this. It is not about your mom or your dad - it is your perceived "guilt" that is stopping you doing this and having your own life.

You are not responsible for your parents. If you can help them financially - then do so. You say your parents do not ask you to do the things you do - THEY WILL COPE - then you need to show them that you can have your own life and start moving forward into your future.

I think you sound very scared of doing this on you own - which is understandable. You need to be big and brave and find your own world.
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Joeblow
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 04:40 am
Have you ever heard of Al Anon? It could be a great place to start.

Quote:
How do alcoholics affect families and friends?

Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.




Quote:
Who are the members of Al-Anon and Alateen?

Al-Anon and Alateen members are people just like you and me-people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. They are parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, friends, employers, employees, and coworkers of alcoholics. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.


Quote:
How do I find a meeting?

Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our Web site. Many of those listed post meeting information on their Web sites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET.



link
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 May, 2008 05:06 am
mrhunt- I call it as I see it, and I stand by my advice.

I have a question for you. If your mother is practically blind, and wheelchair bound, how does the rum get into the house?????
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 May, 2008 01:42 am
My Father Buys it for her....

Yeah,I know.Stupid as ****,Right? before this it was wine....and i mean about 2 gallons of wine EVERY DAY for several months and Very little food...

this continued untill her liver failed and She was detoxing in the icu For a week....

I have spoken with my father on this too and im not very happy with him either.He just says that "oh,its her life,What can i do?"

There have been times that he's said he wont get it for her and she becomes very violent and just sorta would throw a fit saying she would "get it herself" which is impossible but she's so stubbern she'd try and It would be a very Dangerous and embaressing situation for everyone involved. but yeah....I realize what my fathers doing and Its just as much fault as Hers for the drinking.



Izzie....As far as my being scared Of moving out and getting my own life...I honestly Dont think thats whats stopping me. when i was working both my jobs full time i would work 5 doubles a week which lead to NEVER seeing my parents for literally months aside from a bit on my one day off..Now as you can imagine i was happier then...yeah,Happier working 80+ Hours a week but its true...Now that ive cut back to part time on my day job the problems with them are resurfacing and i dont wanna be around it....


but theres nothing holding me back.....financially i could get my own place easily.....Im very independent and Capable....I do agree with you on the guilt factor though Izzzie......Any ideas on how to overcome it? its not something my parents have done...Its something ive put on MYSELF and i realize this....



oh! And as for my job as a manager....Some guy came back thats worked there for years previously....He does everything i do but better and Now he's replacing me as the owner clearly doesnt Trust me From his multiple coments about why its so slow and Asking if im drinking beer on the job (i dont drink at all) So yeah.....Its just ******* Greaaaaaaaat.......
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 May, 2008 02:57 pm
Hi Mrhunt,

May I ask how much time you give to yourself?

Do you get time for solitude, to unwind from stress (however you prefer to do it), to see your friends etc.

Your mother and father find ways to cope without you already (when you are at work), so you aren't needed around the house 100% of the time.

I'm not talking about abandoning your mother, but about finding some balance in your life. As you're finding, people who's life becomes unbalanced are unhappy, and we can often blame others for it - yet have you thought about whose sole responsibility it is to find the best possible balance for your life?

As for your mothers pain, which contributes to her drinking. It is natural to feel sad about it. It is natural to fear for her future. It is natural that supporting her saps your energy. It is natural that because of this, an emotional & physical drain will occur...and that's why you need balance - otherwise it's all drain with no renewal / renewing activities...and how can anyone live like that and not become bitter?

Find a way to find some balance for yourself - and things will get better, for you :wink:
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Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 May, 2008 03:40 pm
Hey MrH Smile

mrhunt wrote:
My Father Buys it for her....

Yeah,I know.Stupid as ****,Right? before this it was wine....and i mean about 2 gallons of wine EVERY DAY for several months and Very little food...

this continued untill her liver failed and She was detoxing in the icu For a week....

I have spoken with my father on this too and im not very happy with him either.He just says that "oh,its her life,What can i do?"

There have been times that he's said he wont get it for her and she becomes very violent and just sorta would throw a fit saying she would "get it herself" which is impossible but she's so stubbern she'd try and It would be a very Dangerous and embaressing situation for everyone involved. but yeah....I realize what my fathers doing and Its just as much fault as Hers for the drinking.




This is why you should not bear the guilt. You are old enough to be an "adult" - you are still their "child" - but it seems to me you are taking on the parental role here, which, if your folks were incapable of making decisions, may be appropriate - however, these are their decisions - and you must really try to accept that their decisions are how they wish to live.

Vikorr is so right - you need to find your balance and live your life - not living your life to try and change the way your parents choose to live. I know that sounds easy, and I know it won't be easy to do, but I think that is what you need to try and do. Your folks CAN get on without you picking up the pieces each day - which also doesn't mean you should turn against them, or not see them or anything like that. I just mean that maybe ACCEPTING that they are making these choices, allowing them to do so, living YOUR life for you. Not trying to tell you what to do here - just, that's my feeling.


mrhunt wrote:

Izzie....As far as my being scared Of moving out and getting my own life...I honestly Dont think thats whats stopping me. when i was working both my jobs full time i would work 5 doubles a week which lead to NEVER seeing my parents for literally months aside from a bit on my one day off..Now as you can imagine i was happier then...yeah,Happier working 80+ Hours a week but its true...Now that ive cut back to part time on my day job the problems with them are resurfacing and i dont wanna be around it....



MrH- don't be around it then. Find that balance of just visiting or popping by every so often - it's your choice here - you're of an age where your folks can't tell you what to do - in the same token - you can't tell them. Not saying you are telling them what to do, just - you know you are happier away, you know they can carry on.... you're saying all the words, you just need to put them into action.


mrhunt wrote:

but theres nothing holding me back.....financially i could get my own place easily.....Im very independent and Capable....I do agree with you on the guilt factor though Izzzie......Any ideas on how to overcome it? its not something my parents have done...Its something ive put on MYSELF and i realize this...

.
You know, we all have at some time or another weighed ourselves down with guilt… I've learned from the folk here over the last few months that burdening oneself with guilt….. doesn't change a thing. Releasing yourself from guilt allows you to move forward with your life. You can't change the past, today is today and if you want to live your life in a better state of mind, you have to choose to go into tomorrow as the first step to your future. Yep, all sounds very "clichéd" - but that's the way it is. Find a balance on what you can and can't change… then make it work and start living for you. You won't just overcome whatever you are feeling, but make tomorrow the first day you try to live not feeling guilty. You have nothing to be guilty about. You are not responsible for your parents actions or decisions - only yours.



mrhunt wrote:

oh! And as for my job as a manager....Some guy came back thats worked there for years previously....He does everything i do but better and Now he's replacing me as the owner clearly doesnt Trust me From his multiple coments about why its so slow and Asking if im drinking beer on the job (i dont drink at all) So yeah.....Its just **** Greaaaaaaaat.......


Keep plugging away - don't give in, don't give up. Don't respond to any gibes. You say you are independent and capable. So the only person you need to prove this to, is you. Just keep going and see where it leads you.

In your time not working - find things to do that please you, that help you to relax, go out with friends and just be... yourself.
0 Replies
 
Bohne
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2008 03:32 am
[quote="mrhunt"]He just says that "oh,its her life,What can i do?"[/quote]

1. He can stop buying it
2. it is her life but also your father's and your life she is destroying

I go mainly with Phoenix.
You moving out and getting a life of your own (if that is what you want), does not mean you have to totally ignore your parents and their needs.

You can still be there for them and help out with work and bills.
It does not have to be an all-day/every-day job and take up 100% of your earnings.
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2008 04:43 am
First off,i have to say that I ******* love you guys...this is one of the only places (online or off) That Ive Felt comfortable enough to share All this stuff with.....Religion,Family,Sex And whatever.....You guys rock. Laughing

thanks to alot of you ive sorta been able to start viewing this situation in an entirely different Light and I have to say im Liking where this may be going....

I had another Stressful day today....Not entirely but at my night job the owner comes in and Is being a dick pissing us all off.....And then i get home to find i somehow lost my house keys.....Really nice GTA4 rockstar keychain it was on too...I gotta look for em tomorrow but i cant Remember ANYTHING about em today.....So ive probally lost it for good.

And as for that......That was something else i was thinking....maybe once i do get my own place still stopping in A few times a week and Doing the yard work for them and A bit of cleaning or Whatnot....And TRY to help out With a biT of finances too.....Does that sound sorta reasonable?
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Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2008 04:52 am
MrH - you sound as though you already made your tomorrow a move forward - and yeah, that sounds in the right direction. You sound as though you have a less furrowed brow, less burdened shoulders and perhaps a smile on your face.

Yep - getting your own place and visiting the folks and helping out every so often, sounds a good plan. You can still go by - when it suits you (and obviously in a true emergency), help out financially if it is warranted and still be a caring son but you will also have your independence and can start living life for you, as you should be.

Very reasonable. Smile Very good. Smile Now - what will you do to make that happen?



(good for you... keep it going)
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2008 05:24 am
Well first.......Find my ******* keys! ****!!!!!!!!!

Ehrm......I gotta get my license and then find a place close to my parents/Work thats also within my price range.....Not too hard and Wont happen overnight but I'll Keep you guys updated.
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sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2008 07:40 pm
Your parents are in need of MAJOR outside help. If your mother is that disabled and your father is basically "numb" I.E. HELPLESS in his role, perhaps a social worker or nurse should come in and evaluate the situation. Ask her Dr. for a referral -

AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

You need to get yourself an apartment and stay away for a while. I'll bet you will be surprised on how they will continue to "function" without you. In fact, they will replace you in a minute OR the authorities will step in and do what needs to be done.

Your work is done: get on with YOUR life. That's not your job to caretake two dysfunctional parents.

Learn to DETACH from these two people - or it will take you down. Your issues at work and just little things, like losing your keys (stress related incident) are just the beginning.

Also, if you have time - go to Adult Children of Alcoholics. Listen to how other parents have manipulated their adult children's lives and how these adult children are trying to heal from years of abuse.
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mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2008 05:26 pm
I do rather Agree with your statement sullyfish...Thank you for your helpful advice.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2008 06:22 pm
I'll add my voice in general agreement with the posters so far, but will also say that your feelings about your parents will vary over time. You'll see them as dysfunctional and manipulative and you'll see them as flawed and loved, and dear to you, and all sorts of other ways. You'll be mad at yourself for putting up with all this for so long and mad at yourself for never helping enough. It's a thicket. But they do need more help than any you can give, and they also need some energizing of themselves. Even if you fully wanted to, you can't take care of all their bills - they could/should probably be looking into bankruptcy and some kind of counselling.

And some local counselling might help you work this out too, whether through Al-Anon, that group about adult children of alcoholics, or some other counselling help..

Anyway, best of luck.
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