affairs are not always black/white when kids are involved...

Good advice here, Mame. I have nothing to add, but wish you all the
best Lostgirl, and hopefully the next time you write it will be "Happygirl".

:-) thanks Calamity....

It would be nice to be happy girl, for once, but it's been a while since i've felt that way entirely, and i don't only mean because of this situation with mr. married man. Lo and behold I think he's stopping by today to see me after work. My rational side says "tell him to 'eff off" and my silly, emotional, girl side says, "he's hot as hell, you love him, he cares about you, and let's face it, as soon as he opens his mouth and you hear that cute little British accent you're going to melt into a stupid puddle on the floor so why bother even listening to this rational side of yours?".

Oh Im such a mess!

(hey there! just wanted to say it was nice to see you contributing on another thread - you're an able2knower as well as an able2asker :wink: )

lol, thanks! well, one must give to receive eh? That's the fair thing to do! :-) As much of a mess as my love life is, I like to think I'm still capable of GIVING sound advice. I just suck at giving it to myself. Did I mention that I'm a mental health counselor? I give advice to other people all bloody day long! Just terrible at giving it to myself or following it myself! :-)

Hello everyone, or anyone still bothering to read this thread! Im not sure that anyone cares, but i guess i need to vent and ramble a little

He just left my apartment. And I'm left sitting and staring at his picture on my computer wishing he was still here hugging me. *sigh*

We chatted a bit while he was here, though to be fair I spaced out a bit while he was speaking so i don't remember everything he said except that he admits he has a constant nagging guilt about seeing me, because he gets afraid of how much it would destroy his wife and children if she found out. So i asked him why he kept coming back to see me these four years if he felt so guilty, and i wish i had payed attention to his answer but i was in one of those introspective moods.....i vaguely remember him saying i was this great person , and he loved spending time with me, and that I was hot (nice to know that he thinks I'm hot, cellulite and belly pudge and all! ha!). Vague answer on his part, but its not like I ever proclaim my undying love for him or anything either, I keep it all inside. So sometimes I wonder if he's keeping similiar feelings inside. I don't say them because it seems like a big thing to unload, like it is demanding that this is taken to an entirely new level, and to be honest, I fear losing what little I have with him almost as much as I fear the emotional strain that seeing him brings.

The only thing I did say was that the only thing that bothered me was that i didn't get to see him that often and wished i could see him more than one or two hours a week. He was quiet and then said he didnt know what to do that wouldnt get him in trouble with his wife. He doesn't have a job that requires him to travel or be out of contact for extended periods of time. He doesn't go out with friends like he used to even two years ago. When I first met him when we worked together he used to have tickets to the Yankees games, or go out for drinks with friends, and I'd come out with them when he did that. He doesnt do any of those things anymore, mostly because his wife quit her job to stay at home with the children and he can barely have five dollars left over every week between two jobs he works to pay their mortgage and bills and stuff. *sigh*

He asked me if i would have lunch with him next week, i think because he doesn't want me to think he comes over to see me just for sex, which i guess is nice. to be fair he came to see me for two years without sex so i thought that before, but its nice of him to make an effort to show me he just likes seeing me whether or not I have clothes on :-)

Not that i dont mind that part....god knows why he thinks im so hot! im most certainly not a bad looking chick, but he's a major hottie! Tall, blue eyes, looks fantastic naked, british accent, super kisser, intelligent. UGGGGGH why didn't i meet him when he was single?

WHYYYYYYY why why why. I went out last thursday for dinner with a friend, and his boss was out with us, and happened to get drunk, and i told him the story of my married man affair, and for some reason he seemed insistant that me and married man would end up together.

"you seem so in love with him, i can tell from what little you've said" he tells me, "i think you will end up together."

Maybe we would, but i dont think he will leave his kids when they are so little...only 2 and 5 years old, respectively, and i love him, but i don't want to spend the next decade of my life waiting for his kids to grow up a bit.

OK enough bitching. no one is going to read this, and if you do, you will probably think I am a huge idiot. And you're probably right.

No.

I'm reading. And I don't think you are an idiot.

What happens if you make other plans during these little gaps when he finds time to see you? Or if you decide you want to do something else during that time?

You'll be okay. Vent away if you want. It's good to talk about it. You know that. ..lol.

This is where I'm puzzled as well.

You say you'd like more time with him, so you must have time available that you could use to do things where you might have the opportunity to meet others.

Why not take advantage of that time?

You dig the Brit accent - join some club where there will be lots of Brits - maybe a rugby or soccer fan club - go watch the games ...

Lol, funny that you should mention that i should go meet some other brits.....i sstarted this affair, this on and off affair, with this guy, when i was 22, so nearly four years ago. In these past four years, since him, i have coincidentally gone out with nothing but english guys. I make no denials in the fact that subconsciously I was looking for a replacement for him, and that finding other brits helped me to be distracted from him. I did meet one or two that I genuinly liked in all this time, but of course, they both live in London and didn't want to deal with the long distance. It's quite bizarre though. I have not found myself attracted to a non-Brit in four years. My mind, upon meeting an american guy, just says "why can't you be all cute and english like him?"

I'm so busy between working full time for the hospital, and going to school, that I rarely go out, and when I do have free time I try to see family or friends. I went out on a few dates the past couple of months, and they all became enamoured with me, and one was english another one was Irish, and I just didn't happen to like them in that way. They were nice, but didn't feel that spark I guess. So obviously, since i have no interest in them, they absolutely adored me. That's how it goes. If I have no interest, they all love me. If i do have interest, they are either in another bloody country, or else they're married. *sigh* I can't win.

thanks for saying its ok for me to vent, because at this point i have nothing else i can do except bitch and moan it seems. I was able to not think about him that much when I was seeing the guys in London, even though they were far away. I liked them, so my mind was distracted from married guy. But now that i have no one to distract me, i can't seem to pull away from him. I torture myself with brief two hour interludes that he can squeeze in between his two jobs or before he has to go home because the wife is calling and wondering if he's on his way home yet. And then I'm left in this weird mood for days afterwards, fantasizing about what it would be like if we could just date like regular people and not have to sneak around. Sometimes I even wonder what would happen if he did get divorced. Am I a bad person for wishing that might happen?

It's like i do and do not want it to happen. i do because it would mean he would be free to see me as he liked, and i don't because i envision the pain it would put his wife through, and let's face logistics, divorces when there is 2 little kids, a brand new house, and only one spouse pulling in a paycheck that barely pays for everything, is not easy at all. I wish there could be some ideal world where him and his wife amicably agreed they didnt want to be together anymore and they just continued to live together for now while still doing their own thing in their personal lives. Im sure its been done before, but its just a fantasy, I guess.

I am the perfect mistress. I don't demand things, I don't go running to tell the wife, I even go out of my way to remind him to erase his text messages and stuff so he won't get in trouble and upset the family balance. I'll never ask him to leave his family or demand ultimatums. At best, I express my wish that I could see him more often, but thats as far as I've done.

idiot. idiot. idiot. I am an intelligent idiot. There's lots of us out there I'm learning!

Hi, I just read your post. I will not make any judgements. All I am asking is this. You are very stressed , maybe even depressed. You are very intelligent but that comes with an emotional toll. Are you sure what you think you want is what you really want? It sure is convenient !!!
Don't you tell Patients not to make any judgements or decisions until they are not depressed anymore.
I have been in situations where I had to make some conscious decisions. Those were not easy but knowing that I chose the more difficult path willingly, gave me the power that I needed. You are weak right now. What do yo need if antidepressants are not working? Exercise, a healthy balanced lifestyle. Could you be using him as an escape as much as he is using you? How do you know what to even think when you know that the neurotransmitters that you need are not there ?
I am not good with words but I am well intended.