ehBeth wrote:This is where I'm puzzled as well.
You say you'd like more time with him, so you must have time available that you could use to do things where you might have the opportunity to meet others.
Why not take advantage of that time?
You dig the Brit accent - join some club where there will be lots of Brits - maybe a rugby or soccer fan club - go watch the games ...
Lol, funny that you should mention that i should go meet some other brits.....i sstarted this affair, this on and off affair, with this guy, when i was 22, so nearly four years ago. In these past four years, since him, i have coincidentally gone out with nothing but english guys. I make no denials in the fact that subconsciously I was looking for a replacement for him, and that finding other brits helped me to be distracted from him. I did meet one or two that I genuinly liked in all this time, but of course, they both live in London and didn't want to deal with the long distance. It's quite bizarre though. I have not found myself attracted to a non-Brit in four years. My mind, upon meeting an american guy, just says "why can't you be all cute and english like him?"
I'm so busy between working full time for the hospital, and going to school, that I rarely go out, and when I do have free time I try to see family or friends. I went out on a few dates the past couple of months, and they all became enamoured with me, and one was english another one was Irish, and I just didn't happen to like them in that way. They were nice, but didn't feel that spark I guess. So obviously, since i have no interest in them, they absolutely adored me. That's how it goes. If I have no interest, they all love me. If i do have interest, they are either in another bloody country, or else they're married. *sigh* I can't win.
thanks for saying its ok for me to vent, because at this point i have nothing else i can do except bitch and moan it seems. I was able to not think about him that much when I was seeing the guys in London, even though they were far away. I liked them, so my mind was distracted from married guy. But now that i have no one to distract me, i can't seem to pull away from him. I torture myself with brief two hour interludes that he can squeeze in between his two jobs or before he has to go home because the wife is calling and wondering if he's on his way home yet. And then I'm left in this weird mood for days afterwards, fantasizing about what it would be like if we could just date like regular people and not have to sneak around. Sometimes I even wonder what would happen if he did get divorced. Am I a bad person for wishing that might happen?
It's like i do and do not want it to happen. i do because it would mean he would be free to see me as he liked, and i don't because i envision the pain it would put his wife through, and let's face logistics, divorces when there is 2 little kids, a brand new house, and only one spouse pulling in a paycheck that barely pays for everything, is not easy at all. I wish there could be some ideal world where him and his wife amicably agreed they didnt want to be together anymore and they just continued to live together for now while still doing their own thing in their personal lives. Im sure its been done before, but its just a fantasy, I guess.
I am the perfect mistress. I don't demand things, I don't go running to tell the wife, I even go out of my way to remind him to erase his text messages and stuff so he won't get in trouble and upset the family balance. I'll never ask him to leave his family or demand ultimatums. At best, I express my wish that I could see him more often, but thats as far as I've done.
idiot. idiot. idiot. I am an intelligent idiot. There's lots of us out there I'm learning!