mushypancakes wrote:Cliche, but there is a hell of a big difference between "ALONE" and "not in a relationship right now; single".
It seems like you are terrorified to death of being "alone".
Hell, it ain't that bad. Seriously! Those are some of the best times ever.
I know for myself, I had no chance in hell of meeting a nice decent guy until I had that time alone to get myself settled up and content with the fullness of MY life, and not trying to suck some sort of excitement and security out of being with someone - anyone.
Is this guy...Anyone?
Do you really know him?
Right now you probably believe you do, right? Yup, he shares all these intimate things with me, I've known him for years, and we've got this big secret that he doesn't even tell him wife!.
Now it's my time not to be too harsh, but to try and wake you up. There is nothing "Special" about being the one he badmouths and betrays his wife to. < and that is what he is doing!
None of what he is doing is a reflection of you, and excuse me, but I think it takes just a wee bit of arrogance to figure you are somehow special and an exception when all evidence proves otherwise!!
You, he, and the wife are no different than the rest of us.
You are caving into what you want at the moment, immediate gratification and damn the consequences.
The whole thing is so run of the mill - no different than watching a junkie try to rationalize stealing from my purse to get the next fix!
Think of it that way...it's addictive thinking, this wanting to be with him and having a billion excuses for doing it....
Stop the excuses and face yourself. That's where the real love starts to happen.
Sorry to be cheesy, but it's true. This isn't about anyone but the troubles inside YOU. There will be there with or without him. It's up to you to get a grip.
mushy,
he doesn't badmouth his wife. he doesn't talk about her at all to me, aside from four years ago when we first met, since we started the affair, he's never said anything about her other than when she almost found out about us and he told me she was pissed at him. But he's never said a bad word about her.....he said there's no spark between them, but that's it. He actually says rather nice things other her otherwise, or used to, since he doesn't mention her to me now, as she would for obvious reasons be an awkward conversation topic and i do not bring her up. He doesnt hate her, he loves her, he's not in love with her.
I never tried to say that me and him are some special and unique situation. This happens to a million people every day. But people are different and you can't say they are all the same. You can't say all married men who cheat are assholes or that all the women they cheat with are deluding themselves that there is love there. Yes, dishonesty is not normally a good thing, but then again, it's not always a bad thing.
His wife, whether she chose to ignore what she almost found about about long ago, or whether she believed it wasn't true, is living in blissful ignorance that her husband isn't happy with their marriage. Im not saying she made him cheat, but dont you think when things like this come to light you should wonder, "what is wrong with our relationship that he would do this?" she didn't bother, she just ignored it. Not their family, mind you, they have normal, happy family outings and all that stuff, but i guarantee you that after two years of resisting me, he would not have given in again and started the affair again if he was happy with her. People who are happy with their relationshisp with thier spouses, do not cheat. That's it. He loves his children, he loves his wife like you love a good friend, like you love the mother of your children, he loves the idea of living at home with his children and that they live with both of their parents. the family relationship and the personal relationship between husband and wife are two totally different things and people often forget that parents are also human beings that need an adult connection that works to be a happy marriage!
Why does everyone always seem to think that it is so black and white, so easy? "cheating is wrong, if you do it you are a deceitful, sociopathic liar, asshole, etc etc". For god's sake, just because you got married when you were 25, does that mean you made the right decision?, and even if you idn't , too bad, live old and die with it? Just because you happen to have children, does that mean that's it? People have to struggle between what is the "right" thing to do, between the love for their family, their children, and then the struggle for them as human beings, as men and women. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you lose your identity and don't think that saying "well, you made your bed so lie in it" makes it any easier to deal with. It doesn't. One day you children will grow up, and you will be in your fifties, maybe, and you will look at this person you are still married to and have no feelings for anymore, and think that for the rest of your life you are living with a good friend, a roomate, and that you missed on realy loving someone.
I dont know what Im babbling anymore, im so tired of everything.....I didnt come here for people to tell me I was right or wrong, that is irrelevant. What I struggle with is the thought that someone I am so vastly compatible with is unavailable to me fully because it was "wrong time, wrong place".
I suppose I just have to try to believe that everything happens for a reason. My parents both cheated on each other and split up after 12 years f marriage, when me and my sisters were all not even teenagers yet, and it was hard as hell on me , but had they not split up, my mother woudlnt have met her current fiance, and I wouldnt have my little brother and little sister who I love with all my heart and who she had with this other man. Or another situation I know, where a man and woman, both married to other people, had an affair for years. They both had children in their marriages. Eventually they divorced their spouses and married each other, and lived together, madly in love, until the day the husband died at the age of 83. I saw in this funeral watching his widow, who had long ago been just his mistress, who maybe had other people telling her she was deluding herself and that they were both being selfish, but you know what? This man loved her until the day he died. They had met other people and have other families first, and then realized they really loved each other.
It doesn't always work out the easy, happy way for everyone. You don't always meet the right person for you when you're single and free of baggage. Who knows if this is the man I am suppose to end up with.... i will never ask him to leave his family for me, but I hate to hear from everyone that they know with certainty, despite not knowing me or him, that it is all bullshit and all we want is immediate gratification and f**k the consequences. It's not always that bloody simple.
Some people ARE sociopathic assholes and I wonder why they bother with monogamous relationships, but others had good intentions when they got married. You cannot control feelings, thats it.
Im going to get alot of sh*t for this posting Im sure, but hell, its all about the friendly arguments right? :-) cheers all
