Hi Honeyrose,
May I ask what you think the outcome would be if you 'confronted' your BF's mother?
I could be wrong, but usually such confrontations end in only a yelling match. Do you think there is a chance of actually sorting the problem out without it coming to that?
(I ask because once two people are yelling at each other, neither hears anything from the other except 'she/he's attacking me'...that's it - nothing else, zippo, zilch...in which case, nothing gets achieved, and matters can sometimes be made worse)
It is possible to be productive with such discussions, yet they are a minefield waiting to blow up in your face, especially if you enter such a discussion for the wrong reason, or with the wrong attitude, and usually if you enter without the verbal communication skills.
Also, one of the real problems facing you is the power balance in the house - your boyfriends mother has a fallback position of power ('owning' the house, being able to kick you out...and to a lesser degree, making you miserable, pestering your boyfriend about you, being his mother), so you don't have a really strong bargaining position. The only 'power' position I see you in, is your helping around the house. It's necessary to consider this because it is part of the difficulties you are having when talking with her - those things mean something to her (but not necessarily to you), and she want's you to see them, and acknowledge them.
One of the other issues facing yourself, is that of being treated with equality and fairness. Of you being able to stand up for your rights and beliefs in respect to this. It's very difficult to do in your situation (being permitted to reside there by the person who is denigrating you). The only true way to extract yourself from a weak situation, into a situation where you can ask, and if necessary demand to be treated properly, is to have your own place...anything else leaves you in a position of weakness and open to being treated as a lesser.
It's not easy, it's sounds like it would be financially difficult for you, and you need to look at what you want, and how you can realistically expect to achieve what you want.
Chai wrote:We are all of the opinion that you either keep your mouth shut, or get out. What's so hard about understanding that?
As far as this concern for your boyfriend being treated badly, well, he's got a tongue of his own, doesn't he?
Who put you in charge of him? He's a grown man, and is apparantly comfortable enough with living under her roof....if he didn't like it, he'd get out.
Did he ask you to protect him from his own mother, under her roof?
Stop thinking you have to rescue this guy.
I have a husband who I support, and wouldn't be too happy if someone insulted him, and would say so.
But, he's a big boy, and can't fight his own battles.
Just worry about your own.
honey_rose_cr
I normally don't give opinions on relationships. I agree with you that some members come across as harsh. I also read all the posts and what Chai said in the post I quoted were my thoughts too. There have been times that Chai and I have not seen eye to eye on a subject, but I really feel you should think about what she is saying here.
You know guys, I don't really care. I'm not living there anymore anyway.
And it's not the fact that Chai is posting in a lot of my threads it's the content of the posts that's getting me down.
Thanks anyway, but as I said everything's sorted for now.
Honeyrose--
New address, new beginnings.
Good.
Like the avatar.
An odd situation. Out of curiosity, may I ask - why do you ask if you don't want to care?
I can think of numerous reasons, but there's no way of knowing which one is right, only you can solve that one.
My curiosity is a curse sometimes
