BFs mother trying to break us up, what can I do?

OH DEAR GOD!!! YES, BUT DO I CONFRONT HER ABOUT THE WAY SHE'S MAKING HER SON FEEL? OR SHALL I JUST LET HER LEAVE HIM FEELING LIKE ****? ITS NOT ABOUT LIVING HERE, SHES ******* CHEATING US OUT OF MONEY ANYWAY. I COULD REPORT HER TO THE POLICE, FRAUD, ABOUT THE DOG, THEFT. BUT I WOULDN'T I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME IF THEY THINK I SHOULD SIT DOWN AND TELL HER THAT SHE'S HURTING HER SON BY SLAGGING ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

IGNORE THE FACT WE LIVE IN HER HOUSE, IGNORE THAT. SHE'S SLAGGING ME OFF FOR SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE AND IT'S HURTING HER SON.

DO I TELL HER SHE'S HURTING HER SON?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF WE LIVED IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND EVERY TIME WE WENT TO HER'S SHE TOLD MY BF HOW HORRIBLE I WAS, SHOULD I TELL HER THEN? SHOULD I ASK HER TO STOP BECAUSE I DON'T CARE, IT'S HER SON THAT CARES!

THEY'VE GOT NO RELEVANCE, WETHER WE LIVED IN HER HOUSE OR NOT, IT DOESN'T MATTER, SHE TELLS HER SON, WHO LOVES ME AND HER, THAT I'M CRAP. DO I POLITELY TELL HER NOT TO BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE GETTING TORN BETWEEN US, OR DO I LEAVE IT AND JUST TELL HIM THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I'M STILL ON HIS SIDE?

OR, DO WE MOVE INTO MY MUM'S? ONLY HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

I JUST WANT TO SORT OUT THE PROBLEMS WITH HIS MOTHER SO HE CAN BE HAPPY, WHEREVER WE ARE, I DON'T WANT TO SAY "LOOK, YOU'RE LETTING US LIVE HERE, BUT YOU'RE A ******* BITCH AND I HATE YOU"

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE MAKING ME OUT TO BE IN THE WRONG ALL THE TIME??!!!!!!!!

I'M ASKING WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS THE BEST WAY TO MAKE MY BOYFRIEND HAPPY. HOW I SHOULD SORT OUT THE SITUATION?

And yes, multiple posting makes me happy.

Hi.

I can't imagine that confronting your BF's mother will make anyone happier. Since you're all living together for the time being, making your BF's mother unhappy -- which will happen if you confront her -- will most likely just make everyone even more unhappy than they are now.

From what you've said, it really sounds like your only option is to keep your head down, be as helpful of a house-guest as you can, and get out in May.

I realize this isn't the advice you're looking for.

Ok.
I hear you that you do not want the fact that you live in her house to be part of the answer people give.
But sadly it has to be and here is why

SHE CAN KICK YOU OUT.

And , no.. I would truly suggest that you not approach her about how she treats her son until you have moved out. For the number one fact that if she decides that your opinion of how she treats her son is a 'last straw' and kicks you out.
Beyond that, if you really feel horrible about how she treats her son, then YOU need space to fight with her, argue with her, and yell at her with out having to face her everyday.

Wouldnt it be easier to call her? And tell her how you feel?
To be able to GO to her and agrue, then GO home?

It would be easier for her too.
When you and him are not in her face, she has time to reflect.
Will she agree? Maybe, maybe not. Sadly you have no control over that.

But make sure there is space between you two before you hit the heavy arguments if not for anything other then your sanity.

My husband and I lived with his mother for almost 2 years.
My husband was hell bent on trying to take care of his mother after his father died to the point of moving his family in her house.

She was a drunk. 24-7. Trying several times to throw her son down the stairs, locking me out because I ' was the bitch' and stealing from us to ensure we could not move out.

I feel you. I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY do.

But, while you share space with her is not the time to start that kind of discussion.
Especially since you have to be careful of what you want to say to her so that you dont start yet ANOTHER argument.

Get your own space to fight from. It is safer and much more productive.

She obviously thinks she's hurting me, because she hates me for some unexplainable/ed reason, but she's not.

Do I ask her what her problem with me is, and tell her that it doesn't bother me if she wants to complain, but it's upsetting my boyfriend who she SHOULD care about. Comparing me and the things I do to what the rest of the brothers and brother's gfs do, there's no reason for her to dislike me, but she obviously feels this need to slag me off. Maybe even SHE doesn't know why she does it. Maybe as the only son of her and her second husband she's overprotective of him? Though she has a really poor way of showing if she cares about any of her kids....

Thank you Sozobe, that's exactly the kind of answer I'm looking for, unlike those of the A2K crew who think answering a problem is blaming the answer-seeker..

I don't care if she kicks me out. I have somewhere to go, but my BF would prefer to live here, and while we do live here, I can just get on with it, my BF can't, it really gets him down. Makes him miserable. I'd prefer to sort everything out, but I doubt she's the sort that can sit down and have a discussion, it'll turn into a pathetic bitching match and that WILL make it worse.

Okay, if I can't really discuss with her how we can sort this out, how can I help my boyfriend. I considered moving out, he'd move with me but he wouldn't want to, or if I left him here he'd be unhappy because he likes living with me. It's just a mess. It's not even as if I do anything shockingly bad that she can complain about. If I'd done something awful then maybe she might have a reason to resent me. Leaving a plate out (with the rest of everyone else's washing up, and I do do the washing up a lot of the time) doesn't warrant this bizarre hatred. It's got to be something deeper, or something about me that affects her.... I just don't know.

I hate not knowing what I've done, because then I can't try and correct it. If it was a specific something that I'd done I could try and work to make everything better, but as hard as I try, nothing seems to help. My boy is the one stuck in the middle, and unless I find out how I can make things better he's going to continue losing out.

What do you think "Or, hold your tongue for 90 days and appreciate this person is putting a roof over your head." means?


You're very emotional, could it be you're pregnant?


ok, now post 6 or 7 posts in a row about that.

Oh **** off Chai. I didn't invite you to this thread, now go away. I'm sick of your sarcastic comments, just piss off if you're not going to help.

I think it means "Let this person get away with hurting someone you love" in this case.

HoneyRose--

Bear with me. You're not going to like some of my reasoning.

You and your boyfriend are playing house in someone else's house. You're dealing not only with your bf's mother, but with a landlady and a dog owner and a woman who has raised two kids who are still underfoot and financially dependent.

Yep, the woman is a bit wacko. She's still your boyfriend's mum and your landlady and no matter how much you're contributing financially, she's Queen of the Her Castle.

You describe your bf:




In many ways you're your bf's second mummie. He's not standing up either to you or for you because he isn't a grownup. He's just playing house--with two mummies.

Should you confront her?

Absolutely not. This woman is not running on logic. She doesn't have her emotional life organized by any logical, ethical rules. She's not a particularly good mother--why would you expect her to be a good psudo m-i-l?

Should you confront your own priorities?

Absolutely. You've spent a lot of time in this thread telling us what your bf needs to be happy--and how all the conflict and distress is making him unhappy.

Were you put on this earth to rescue him from his unloving family and make him happy? What about your happiness?

You two can get your own place in May, but having an address of his own isn't going to make your bf instantly more mature or give him a backbone. He's going to be the same, old, loveable guy who is not standing up for you now.

You have two choices: To endure the present situation and hope that geographic distance will help your bf grow up OR get out now.

How much of the rent being paid to your psudo m-i-l is coming out of your paycheck? Who is buying the groceries? What does your bf spend his money on?

Forget your boyfriend's needs for the moment and concentrate on your own. Remember confrontation is not going to solve anything--it will just make the time between now and May more hellish. Is your bf worth putting up with his mother? She's going to be around for years and years and years.

Honey_rose, you come here and ask advice from total strangers and then you hit the roof when said total strangers offer advice. And why? Because a few of them address the issue in total rather than just giving a yes or no answer to your question. And as far as inviting Chai to this thread, by posting you invited everyone to this thread, so get a grip.

I think I understand where your boyfriend's mum is coming from. Be that as it may, my suggestion is to keep your mouth shut and not confront her about anything. Any confrontation should come from her son, not from you. If he is not man enough to sit her down and talk to her, then you might as well get used to the situation.

Really, I never saw an invitation to anyone.

Sarcastic?

Where?

Every word I've written has been written in absolute sincerity.

We are all of the opinion that you either keep your mouth shut, or get out. What's so hard about understanding that?

As far as this concern for your boyfriend being treated badly, well, he's got a tongue of his own, doesn't he?

Who put you in charge of him? He's a grown man, and is apparantly comfortable enough with living under her roof....if he didn't like it, he'd get out.

Did he ask you to protect him from his own mother, under her roof?

Stop thinking you have to rescue this guy.
I have a husband who I support, and wouldn't be too happy if someone insulted him, and would say so.

But, he's a big boy, and can't fight his own battles.

Just worry about your own.

and yes, I was serious also about the writing 6 or 7 further posts in a row....when you calm down (or come down, sounds like your tweeking), look at your shot gun posting....very unstable.

The clown does well when he speaks in color.

honey_rose, it sounds to me like you should move out. Your boyfriend is still very young and loves his mother, whatever her flaws. Rule #1 - Do not come between family members or make them choose sides - you will always lose.

I don't think you should confront her and I don't think you should be living with them. It's obviously a very unhealthy situation for you. Can you not move to another place?

I don't know what the reasons are for their dislike of you (and it's not important, really), but it's very unhealthy for anyone to stay in that environment, which is why I suggest you move out. It'll feel like a great weight is lifted off your chest.

Then you can review the situation from a distance, with more objectivity, and make decisions.

This situation is obviously not working out. Your primary concern should be you - your mental and emotional health.

Please take care of yourself.

Honey Rose

How old are you and your boy friend? You two seem young. Whether you like or don't like his mother or whether she likes or dislikes you she will always be in the picture. Keep in mind this is his mother.
If he is unhappy he should be the one to let his mother know. If you say something to his mother it will only make matters worse. I think you should move out. Have you ever heard there is no house big enough for two women. I will give you an example of my son and his girlfriend . They were seniors in high school at the time and I worked. When I got home from work in the evening she would always be at my house and believe me I got tired of walking in the door and seeing her siting on the sofa. I needed my privacy. She and my son did not live together.
You already have problems with family what makes you think things will get better. Do you and your boyfriend work?

Darling, you aren't the one who has been followed around and harrassed by Chai. Okay?

Sorted anyway.

Chai or any of us are welcome to answer threads here, any threads. There aren't all that many threads at any one time for some of us to check if our interests are, for example, relationships. Don't presume that Chai is following you around. I always read your threads too, as well as batches of other threads, and mostly talk myself out of responding to yours because they tend to put me in a temper or I don't feel like formulating a response. But if I did respond, as I am now, it isn't because I am following you, and it is unlikely she is following you either, unless she is curious what you'll say next.

I can see the boyfriend's behavior and understand his mother's as well, however problematic.

Now that I have been semi-mean, you probably won't take this to heart, honey rose, but I do wish you well, and do hope you quit trying to be a part of a major romance while you are still in 'growing up and finding out about yourself years'. This is the time to be free and learn a lot about who you are, explore your own interests, be able to stand on your own feet; people are apt to regret it later when entrapped in lives that are thickets of unhappiness with little way out, that they didn't have time and space on their own.

I think all of us mean well in our comments to you, sarcastic or nicely put, in that we want you to build up who you are as a young woman and instead keep seeing you encased in problems you seem to dive into.