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BFs mother trying to break us up, what can I do?

 
 
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 06:28 am
I've been living with my boyfriend for a few months now. We started in basically our own place, but his brother kicked us out, with the grand help of his mother.

I moved home, got kicked out within a week and ended up moving in with my boyfriend at his mother's. She gave him permission for me to live here, making the comment of "I don't hate her" which I found a bit of an odd thing to say.

On saturday night his mother's dog bit me for the second time. Not. My. Fault. BF said it was the worst she'd bitten anyone before (and yes she's bitten a lot of people) I'm having trouble typing this because two of my fingers are so ******* numb. She bit me several times on both sides of my wrist and I was literally dripping pools of blood into the sink at the time.

She's shown no remorse at all. Hasn't asked me how it is, hasn't apologised for her ******* dog almost slicing her mangy teeth into my arteries and doesn't seem to give a **** in general.

Dr told me I could report the dog to the police, and man would I love to put a bullet in it's brain myself.

Only thing is, it's my boyfriend's mother and I could **** our relationship over majorly if I report his mother.

If it had been any of his other brother's girlfriends she would have made so much of a fuss, apologised and generally been embarrassed that her dog had perhaps permanently scarred them or damaged the nerves in their fingertips forever. My hands are tiny and I was really terrified (since the dog didn't let go until my BF stood up) that she was going to sever my fingers or even cut right into my wrist and I was going to see blood pumping out of a gaping wound.

I've had to take two days off work so far because I literally can't do anything, it hurts my wrist to the point of tears just lifting something up. It makes me feel sick and light-headed when I brush anything against my numb fingertips, but she still doesn't give a ****.

Yesterday my boyfriend was poorly, had an upset tummy, got up and told his mum he was going to take the day off work (they work in same place) and she immediately said "Is SHE going into work?" and then called him a liar when she got home. In the morning, when my BF came back into the bedroom after his mother asking if I was taking the day off too, he lay down facing away from me and said "I don't get why my mum thinks you're the devil..." He was really upset, and I just tried to make him smile. He went on to comment that she always started calling me a bitch and getting angry when I left a plate on the side, and complains about having to do my washing (though she shrinks everything and the washing powder leaves our clothes sticky and horrible smelling, so I said I'D do ALL both of our washing) etc etc, but with my BFs brother, she lets him get away with everything, his GF doesn't ever talk (and their mother has complained about the fact that I don't really talk much to anyone (why the **** would I want to talk to her, my BF is the only decent person in the house)) the GF leaves plates and pans of mouldy food lying around, leaves all her washing here, but doesn't even live here and his mother hasn't complained a word about her. It's all "Oh, Sammy's so shy"

Anyway, it's getting me and my BF down, and I'm sick of it. She couldn't give a ****, and it's hurting my boyfriend. I don't want to get into an argument with her, because my boyfriend would be upset. She's basically slagging me off to HIM, again, and it's unfair. He shouldn't have to choose between me and his mum, but she seems to think she's so much better than everyone that she's selfish enough to just do whatever the **** she wants.

I don't know what to do. We're planning on getting our own place in may, but that's 3 months away and despite all efforts this vile woman seems to just hate me.
I was just shocked that my boyfriend, with no prompting, would pick up on this behaviour and her attitude towards me.
My mother has offered for us to live back at home, but we don't get on when we live together, and my boyfriend doesn't like my house. It's cold, damp and has no heating. I don't want to move back home, but I feel if we stay here his horrible mother is going to break us up.

I don't know what to do about the dog either, I really just want to let it go and get run over or get someone to come out and terminate it, but the bf would get upset about that too. I just can't believe his mother could give so little of a **** when I could quite easily be scarred for life or have permanent nerve damage in my fingers. She came into the living room last night and was being overly nice to the dog, just because I was there.
It's usually "******* get out Sybil" but last night it was "Come on sweetie, out. *haha* that's not out, that's lying down, come on!"

She's just a devious nasty piece of work and there's very little I can do about it.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 4,926 • Replies: 44
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Chai
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 06:34 am
you just answered yourself in your last 8 words.

How are you typing so well with torn up fingers?
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 06:41 am
Not really. I can either risk everything and do something, or leave it and risk her breaking us up anyway. I'm looking for someone's point of view Chai, not just someone to say "I can't be bothered giving any opinion apart from obviously not believing that you're actually hurt."

I'm trying my best to avoid my torn up fingers as I type, and spending quite some time proof reading and adding the letters I've missed or mis-typed. It's not a case of not being able to type with them, it's a case of when I do hit them (it's mainly my middle finger with typing, coz I don't use my little finger....) it's making me want to puke all over the computer. Okay?
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 06:49 am
Honey Rose - Is this the life you want?
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 06:52 am
What life?

What I want is to get our own place, as far away from his mother as possible. I want my Phil, that's all. As long as his mother's still got her claws in I'm gonna lose him. As soon as she realise he's an adult and he does make his own decisions, the better. Maybe she thinks I'm manipulating him or something, which would account for the comments yesterday morning. God knows, but as soon as we can afford our own place I'm outta here.

What life are you talking about? Living here, being attacked by the dog, his mother hating me? Which part, or all of it? And that's the point, I don't want any of it, but until we can move out, what can I do? Do I confront her, or just leave it? Or just leave?
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 07:15 am
His mother will always be part of your relationship. Moving out will not change that.

Is that the life you want for yourself?

If his mothers "claws" cause you to lose him, was he ever yours?
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:05 am
Well, viewing the current situation regarding her side of the family. If you move out, no-one cares. They don't ring eachother, they don't go "Oh, we should go and see such and such, or invite them over for dinner". They go "Oh God, it's brother number 2, who's in the army, away for months and months at a time, I can't be bothered answering the phone."

The only reason she's still got her claws in, is because she had the key to our old place, she came over and complained and said it was a mess (although it wasn't which makes me wonder if she's loony) it's her house here. She just interferes. She won't bother interfering in something that doesn't belong to her. If we had our own place, she wouldn't put the effort in to come over and complain about the state, and if she does I'll put her in her place.

Thing is, losing him in our relationship is being apart for a while until I bring up a big speech and make him see sense. Last time when we were getting kicked out, NO-ONE communicated with me, and my boyfriend finally told me that his brother and mother had been talking about me to him behind my back. He was under a lot of pressure because they were making fun of me and expecting him to join in, he gives in too easily. How would you feel if the most important person in your life was trying to make you feel crappy about the other most important person in your life? Torn? I can't expect him to just sit there and be constantly torn between us, we need to get out so she can't make him feel bad. He's only 18, he hasn't found his independance yet, so of course he's going to be influenced by what his mummy has to say. Even if he thinks she's wrong. It'll still make him feel like he's disappointing mummy and he'll want to just back out as much as possible until it cools down again.
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:18 am
I would feel pretty shitty and I would be asking myself...

"Is this the life I want for myself?"

That is his roots, his family. He will be a long time dumping a lot of it, and may not ever do so.

Is this the life you want for yourself?

Only you can answer that.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:23 am
I wouldn't abadon our relationship just because his mother is an immature little sissy bitch. She'll see one day that I make her son happy and she can't control him anymore.

I'm just worried she's spoiling our relationship, we're strong together, she's weedling her way between us. I don't think he'll let go, but as soon as there's a weakness there, we don't get on as well. We've been getting on really well up until now, he just drifts into a sort of defensive mode I guess. He won't talk to me much, can't be bothered doing anything.. Tells me he loves me, and then sorta...drifts... It's difficult to understand, but I can't let her ruin something which works so well.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:26 am
I still don't understand what you're saying.. This isn't a constant thing, and the only thing I want is him. I don't care about his family. He loves me for who I am, and wants to move out with me. He only wants me to be happy, but I wouldn't let him screw everything up with his family, but at least if we move out, we've got our own space, he can still see his family, but I won't have to see them as much.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:29 am
I don't just sit there and feel sorry for myself. I don't go "Cry cry, she's complaining about me for no reason" it's upsetting him and I want to know if I should say something to her, or if that would make it worse.

Should I just reassure my boyfriend and try to keep on his mother's side as much as possible, or should I confront her outright and tell her how much she's hurting her son.

If I do confront her, do I do it in private, by myself, or do I discuss with my BF first and get him to come with me, so we can have a proper conversation?

She's just so far up her own arse I think she'll immediately spaz out and it might result in my boyfriend losing his home and being perhaps partially alienated by his family.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:31 am
Take my opinion or leave it honeyrose...but you have asked people in general what they think, so here goes....

It seems to have escaped you that you are living in HER house. You are in her territory.

Are you contributing financially to the household? You mention she had been doing your laundry, were you paying her for this?

No one is forcing you to live there, the person extending their home to you is not beholding to you in any way.

You sit on her furniture, sleep in the bed she owns, criticize her, and you don't have a pot to piss in.

I'm sure she'd be just as glad you leave.

You don't get along with his family, you don't get along with yours. Either find a friend who'll put up with you and stay with them for 3 months. If none of them will put up with you for that long, find yourself a cheap hotel room to stay in while you save money for your own place.

Your boyfriend can chose to stay with you, or stay at his mothers.

Or stay where you are and whine and pewl about your lot in life.

Or, hold your tongue for 90 days and appreciate this person is putting a roof over your head.

Those are your choices, it's not rocket science.
0 Replies
 
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:37 am
I've gotta agree with Chai. You are in this woman's house. This is her territory. She calls the shots.
If you don't like living there, leave. If your man wants to be with you, he'll be with you. If he wants to be with his mama then he'll be with her. The only person you can control in this scenario, in any scenario, is you.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:49 am
I do our washing. She TAKES our washing and ruins it. I have asked that we do our own thing. We pay £200 a month to a woman who's living in a council house, paying £400 rent a month, getting free heating, free hot water etc etc. I prefer to do my own thing, I keep our room clean and tidy, I prefer not to be at home, I buy our own food, I cook our own food, I wash up, I keep the living room tidy, bathroom, anywhere I can.

She accused me of not doing anything at the bungalow where we lived before and she accuses me of not doing anything here, along with my BF. Her other son lives here for free, doesn't do ANYTHING, smashes around, breaks stuff, everything and is allowed to get away with it.

My boyfriend and I paid for the £600 bed we sleep in.

I don't do anything to her and she's using me as a battering ram. I couldn't give a **** about it, but it's hurting my boy. She doesn't give a **** that her dog attacked me, if we had young children and the dog attacked them, they could lose an arm, have permanent major scarring on their face, but she doesn't even ask me how my Drs appointment went.

I don't CARE. I don't WANT to live here. My own mother complains and complains, slags everyone off and doesn't sort anything out for herself, she just complains, which is why I had to leave. So don't even try to say it's me, that no-one will put up with me, my friends are all in college still, we are planning to share a house when they finish.

This person is illegally getting gas for their heating, illegally living in a council house when she earns a **** load of money.

I'm not complaining about her, I'm asking if I should tell her how much she is hurting her SON. I dont want to be here, which is why I plan to get out asap.

God, everyone on this site is so judgemental. I don't even know why I'm on here, but I thought you might be able to advise me whether I should confront her. I still don't seem to have an answer on this.

"Cheap" hotel? Do they exist?!

Quote:
Or, hold your tongue for 90 days and appreciate this person is putting a roof over your head.


I'm not doing anything!! I would appreciate it if I was actually doing something to bother her, but I'm not. I'm doing a hell of a lot more than the rest of the people in this house, I contribute to the rent and I do the chores. What the **** else can I do?

She's just ******* fucked up. I was hoping someone might suggest why she might act liek this, for example "My mother in law hated me because she never made her son happy, but I could" she's nver had time for my BF, he was bullied as a child and she didn't step in, she doesn't care about him, he's openly said he loves me and now he doesn't need her, this could be it, but no, everyone just goes for the "It's obvbiously your fault". I was hoping someone might say "You should confront her privately, just say....etc etc"

What the **** is wrong with you all? Every thread it's blaming the person asking the question!!! Go out, read! Very few of you just give a good supportive answer, you just slag off. It's your fault, YOU are doing this, YOU must do this, YOU are in the wrong....
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:50 am
Oh my ****!

I'm not ******* saying that. We can't leave until May! I'M ASKING, should I confront the woman, or should I just reassure my man and make sure he knows I'M at least on his side.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:56 am
Right let's make this clearer.

I am asking if I should confront the woman and tell her how much she is hurting her son. How I make him happy and it is not her place to tell him how awful SHE thinks I am, because he does not think that.

I don't care about her slagging me off, I can handle it, but should I tell her to stop for the benefit of my boyfriend? He won't talk up to her, should I, so this can all end, or should I just make sure my boy knows I'm on his side, whatever happens??

I don't care if I confront her and end up moving back to my mum's, my boy will come with me, but he won't really want to. In the same way I don't really want to, but could bear it. She just needs to know how selfish shes being and how it's not me she's hurting, it's her son. BUT, should I leave it for now, and just support my boyfriend?
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 08:59 am
I was merely explaining our background, position and describing what a horrible, selfish woman the mother can be. So you can see the risks of confronting her, and also what we'd have to cope with if we didn't confront her.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 09:06 am
We live with his mother. We are planning to move out ASAP, we pay for the rent, we do the chores and she still complains.

I am looking for a way we can sort out the situation of her disliking me (for no apparent reason) and still be on amicable terms, living in the house. Because this is what would make my boyfriend happy.

For these three months, I'm sure he'd prefer for us to get along and live in his mother's house. It's better than mine and he's happier here. I don't do anything, I only dislike his mother because she dislikes me and has a selfish attitude when it comes to anyone else, including my BF, which I think is unfair. I don't say anything to/about her because it hurts my BF, but she still talks about me behind my back, very immaturely...

Should I try to sit down with her and sort things so my BF will be happy, or let it go on, possibly to reach a peak of worseness, or hopefully so she'll get bored with being so petty and immature, and we can deal with it til we can leave.

I can deal, BF can't, should I try to stop it, basically.
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 09:10 am
Why should we deal with her treating us different to everyone else, making us feel bad although we do more than those people who just get away with everything, basically bully us, just because it's her house? We live here, we pay rent, she said we could live here, kicked us out of our own home, we do chores and she still treats us like ****.
0 Replies
 
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Feb, 2008 09:12 am
You are living in her house. Whether her treatment of you is fair or not, whether she's nice to you or a mean ol' bitch to you, the bottom line is, you are living in her house. It's really that simple.
0 Replies
 
 

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