My second date in 4 years...

Did that sound sappy?? I mean, sure, sex is great, who doesn't like sex. I think about it often. I'm in my prime! But I just don't think that this was the guy to start off a relationship with that way. He was a total stranger, I don't know where that things been!

Exactly!! Sex is great, but any sane person knows the risks. If he doesn't care, then he should really go somewhere else.

Well Marty, it's really not his fault - that's what Romans do on dates.
You didn't say how long he's been in the US, but it would have been
up to you to tell him how "dating rules" are applied in the US.

Yet you remained passive and endured his wandering hands and
later on got angry that he was too forward.

I think these are the signals you send out: you are too nice and too
passive. You have been out of the dating world for such a long time,
things not only have changed but women do tell what they want and
don't accept while dating. Those subtle messages that are sent to guys,
are very rarely received by them, let alone a foreigner whose
Latino origin dictates him to pursue a romance.

Yes, it was a disastrous date from your point of view, however, instead of blaming him, you should look long and hard, what signals you're sending
out and you also should find out why you are so passive.

Before you haven't figured out how to assert yourself, dating can
become quite a challenge for you, believe me.

Assume he was maddened by lust.

Take this as a sign of spring--globally and personally.

The details - more of what Slappy was saying? A bull in a china shop, or just downright ignoring what you say clearly and being a jerk?

I think sometimes it's important to figure out what is what. Is it that this guy was genuinely disrespectful, or is it that you were too passive and then got offended that he was being what he is assuming that your lack of assertion meant "go right ahead".

It's be useful to know for the future.

Not all the guys out there are tactful or quick to pick up on signals, but having a strong sense of voice can take the blow out of a lot of these less than sweet little dances (also known as not so great dates!).

Dating takes a certain shell. It's too much energy getting offended by every guy who doesn't send you to the clouds.

God, Marty, I once had a guy - on the first date - end it by literally squealing his tires as he was pulling away and yelling "SEE YA LATER, CHEESEBURGER!"

The cheeseburger was in reference to the fact, that Oh my god, I ordered and ate a cheeseburger on our date - and this repulsed him, as was evident, because I guess I was expected to eat salad and green beans. lol.

Scrap what I said about the vespa, just borrow Gus's tractor.

T
K
On holiday.

This kind of statement makes me worry.
K
O

Well, what I find offensive others may not.

Don't worry about others. I don't think anyone is going to judge you for what you want or don't want.

T
K
O

I've held back on comment since I don't know the details, Marty. I easily see CJ's point about different social mores. I can also sympathize with not wanting to post the the details..


And, concern about niceness, I understand from both sides, and .. being nice can also be big trouble, so I agree with assertiveness practice.


I almost posted a photo slide show about kisses in Paris (where, the Guardian, BBC, NYT, I don't know, but a recent slide show of good photos) and then stopped myself, as it might not just be a social mores thing.


I won't push you to tell us. We wouldn't be shocked, but privacy feelings are valid, whether re yourself or the fellow.

Look, m, dating is the hardest thing to do.

Brain Surgery?
Piece of cake.
Solve the Middle East Peace Problem?
Falling off a log.
Determine the exact angle and speed necessary to launch a rocket to orbit Venus?
Hand me that Radio Shack calculator.

Go on a date? Shoot me now, shoot me now.

So, tell us how it went. What happened?

Joe(and.....what happens next?)Nation

You're late, you're late....

The breakup of my marriage was the most devestating thing that has ever happened in my life. I spent the 2 years of our seperation in mourning and the 2 years following the divorce just getting back on my feet and running a household and parenting two kids alone. At first I was totally freaked out by the idea of dating again. But now I'm excited, I can't wait to meet new people. I feel like it's finally my time to feel good about myself and enjoy another man's company.
Then it all fizzled Sunday evening. We started out by having nice conversation over a glass of wine, he leaned in for a kiss which felt innocent enough, the timing was right. Then he must of felt like that was his go ahead because the next time he kissed me he stuck his tongue down my throut. I was surprised and caught off guard. I tried to keep a little distance between us and keep the conversation going.
It was getting late and I needed to go so we walked outside towards the car and he got pretty handsy and in my opinion too assertive.
I'm still scratching my head over the events. I really don't think men in general are that aggressive on a first date. Are they?

No. I don't think that men in general are that aggressive, but I recognize that many are conditioned to think that is what is expected and exceptable.

T
K
O

Marty, I know from some PMing we did many months ago, that you are a very caring and intelligent woman.

If this guy isn't your type, so be it. If you don't want to be bothered with the mores of another country, then don't for heaven's sake.

You know who you are and I hope you know that that is very nice. More assertiveness is advisable, but I know from experience that assertiveness doesn't come naturally to many people. Please don't let yourself feel inadequate because you didn't send stronger signals.

This is your time, so be picky and don't worry about wanting to be able to trust the man your're with and feel comfortable in his company. Also, that doesn't automatically exclude excitment and sexual tension.

After such a bad experience with your first husband, it is extremely important that you respect yourself and that the men you date will respect your terms.

Ah, I will cede to Jane on Romans. (Where is Raphillon?) Did happily have a Sicilian lover. Not the same scene as yours at all.

I'll just say it seems rather forward/abrupt re tension orchestration. As in dumb, clumsy.

These two "first date in..." posts are interesting, aren't they?

Moral to Diest: marty is an example of someone who would have appreciated a more measured approach.

Moral to marty: Nice guys like Diest are out there.

Aw shucks.

The threads might also be interesting because you know a little about us. A lot of the posters in this part of the forum, come and ask a question and stick around for a while, then leave.

T
K
O

Oh they're all interesting, pretty much! That's not what I meant, anyway (though they are interesting in that way too...) The point was more about the contrast; each of your stories showing that the others' approach would be appreciated. (Note, not trying to shove you two kids together! ;-) Just as a general concept.)

All of that said, marty, I'm not sure that the Roamin' Roman (let's call him RR) was being disrespectful per se. It sounds like that first kiss was the question, and that he took your answer as "yes." I think that if you liked other things about him, it may be worth it to see where direct communication gets you. Maybe say to RR something like, "I did enjoy spending time with you [if you did! I'm not really sure] but things were going a bit fast for me at the end there. If you're OK with taking things more slowly, I'd like to get to know you better." Then hold him to it.

Hey Marty, if you're looking for your THIRD date in four years and you happen to be near So Calif...